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A Pun for Every President

Well, obscure voyeurs, President’s Day is just around the corner (We kind of… lost this article… for a few months. -Ed). That’s right, the first President’s Day of the new millenium! (Okay, a few years. -Ed) In order to get you ready for this upcoming third Monday of February of the year 1000 (Okay… a few centuries. -Ed), we here at Obscure Porn have a special surprise that’s sure to put you in the President’s Day spirit. That’s right, we’ve decided to make each and every one of you the democratically elected leader of your own island nation!
Ok really I’m just going to make a pun (or rhyme or whatever) about each and every president, in order. So without further ado, here goes:

  1. In an effort to stop its growing pollution problem, officials in Ithaca have announced plans for a ravine-cleaning party focused on restoring the beauty of the area’s touted ravines. According to flyers, it’ll be gorge-washing fun!
  2. Outhouse-tipping, the new prank of choice for vandals in rural areas, is a growing problem for the more upstanding members of society. Said farmer Billy Bob, “If’n they come ’round here I’ll give ’em a taste’a their own medicine. I’ll throw the john at ’em!”
  3. A Viking bull, nicknamed Tom, has finally come to terms with the fact that he doesn’t have a father, opting to go by the name Thomas Heifersson.
  4. The Federalist Papers, bane of the existence of government students everywhere, are the brainchild of our nation’s fourth president. One might even call them his… MadiSon(s).
  5. Max was enjoying his Jamaican vacation immensely, sipping tropical drinks at a bar on the beach. All of a sudden, a wave collected his belongings and started pulling them out to sea. The bartender, thinking quickly, got out his canoe and handed Max an oar, crying, “What’re ya waiting for, mon? Row!”
  6. Having failed in his previous attempt to deter the outhouse vandals, Farmer Billy Bob went back to the drawing board and came up with an even better plan. “I’ll throw the john quincy at ’em,” he said with a smirk before continuing, “I aint sure what a quincy is, but I’ll throw it at ’em.”
  7. The orphanage was so poor that they couldn’t afford for materials to play games. While luckier kids were able to play by bouncing a ball and then picking up spiky pieces of metal, the poor girls at the orphanage sighed, got out their pencils, and drew jacks on the table.
  8. A group of kids from a middle school, deciding that painting and drawing really were the best medicine, began an initiative to bring these diversions to the hospital. The kids (apparently from For Better or For Worse (ignore these parentheses if you don’t read the comic)) called their new program Artin’ an’ Curin’.
  9. Uncle It (father of Cousin It from the Addam’s Family), refers to his only child as his hairy son.
  10. In the days before family names, one’s surname was decide by occupation. Thus the blacksmith was known as Frank Smith, the barrel maker was Mr. Cooper, and the man who put roofs on houses and made the kitchen floor was named John Tile-er.
  11. James Polk… James Polk… what the hell did he do? Did he do anything? He gets no pun.
  12. The whole town was abuzz with excitement. The game was about to begin. Everyone in town brought their cats, some short-tail and some long-tail. However, today, all the cats appeared to have long tails, and the judges had to decide which were natural and which were fake in the exciting game Tail or Pipe cleaner.
  13. Timmy cackled with delight, clutching his arsenal of water balloons. He was going to sneak attack his little sister and her friends. As they rounded the corner, however, he realized he was outsmarted. The girls were there with enormous water guns. His own supply of water balloons was looking pitiful. In a desperate attempt to even the odds, he called frantically to his friend who was sitting near the hose, “FILL MORE BALLOONS! FILL MORE!”
  14. Scientists discovered the worst smell known to man today, and said that it could only be described as “rank” and “fierce”
  15. The British were able to defeat the flotilla, which was attacking along the river Thames, by using a special cannon that shot Bio-Laser Undulating Electric (BLUE) cannon balls. Their weapon was called the Thames Blue Cannon.
  16. It was Civil War Reenactment Day. The town drunk had somehow gotten assigned to be one of the Confederate leaders, the kind with the sword that they had for no reason. Anyway, everyone was ready. In position, waiting to begin. Unfortunately, they were short one man. One Confederate leader with a superfluous sword, to be exact. Where was the sabre-man? Drinkin’.
  17. Johnson. Penis. Enough said.
  18. In the true text of the Odyssey, Odysseus was sent forward in time to the 1990s, where he became captivated by an animated show featuring a yellow drunk and his family. Upon discovering this writing, anthropologists were flummoxed. They immediately sought more government funding and received it in the Ulysss-Simpsons Grant.
  19. What did Austin Powers say to president Rutherford? Oh B. Hayes.
  20. What do you call it when an orange cat that likes to eat a lot is hit by a car driven by the 20th president and then picked up as roadkill? James Abram’s Car-peeled.
  21. What do you get when you cross this president with someone who died for a cause? Chester A. Martyr.
  22. In the big parade in Ohio, a giant ballon of one of the presidents broke free from its ties and went floating free into the air. Grover Cleveland, the balloon president, was last somewhere over Cleveland.
  23. Who the fuck is Benjamin Harrison?
  24. See 22.
  25. In food-related news, McDonalds teamed up with Soylent Green for the latest addition to the dollars menu: a hamburger made out of one’s own family and Jet Li. It was be called the McKin-Li burger.
  26. What do you call a president who puts his waistband in ice? Teddy Froze-a-belt.
  27. Monopolies found his trust-busting policies so overzealous that they began referring to this president as William Howard Daft. (look, it was either this or William Howard Fat)
  28. A president’s enterprising offspring began a lawncare service wherein they cut the grass while balancing on pieces of wood. They called their business Good-Mow Stilt Sons.
  29. Harding. Hard on. Erection. C’mon.
  30. The presidential refridgerator? Calvin’s cool fridge.
  31. Depression era ice cream? Sherbert Hoover.
  32. 26 but with Franklin. Franklin Froze-a-belt.
  33. A presidential tribute band that uses strange things as drums: Harry S. Tru-man Group
  34. A conspiracy theorist recently wrote a book about the Korean War titled Dwight D. LiesInPower.
  35. In an alternate universe, this president was homosexual and not assassinated. Who is: J.F.Gay
  36. Johnson. Again, penis. Do you really need me for this?
  37. Both president and part of physics, Richard Friction.
  38. Gerald Ford? More like Gerald Can’t Afford (anything) (I hope there was a recession when he was president because I really didn’t research so he could’ve been incredibly rich)
  39. I’m sorry but you can’t be “James Earl” unless your last name is Jones. I guess that’s why this guy went by Jimmy.
  40. Seriously I’m about to give up on this one… In college he was referred to as Ronald Keggin’
  41. The blacksmiths would meet every year to test their strength in the Forge Push.
  42. <gratuitous Monica Lewinsky “insert Bill here” joke>
  43. Double your terror, double your guns. Double you hatredtothepresident with Double-You Bush. (I’m a liberal, if you couldn’t tell)

So there, now aren’t you all excited for the big day? Ready to go out and give your favorite president a great big hug? I know I am.

p.s. If you’re unsure as to which president I am referencing, too bad. They are very clearly numbered.

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  1. That was so awesome! Though I guess when you say “A Pun for Every President” you really mean “A Pun for 41 out of the 43 Presidents.” Yeah, I’m talking about #11 James Polk and #23 Benjamin Harrison. Anyway that was still amazing.

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