OP: Because You Can’t Find It Anywhere Else

Thank you for happening, this.

Hello again, Obscure Voyeurs:
I’m sure you’re all aware of the rumors that, due to our massive amounts of accidental traffic, XXXBoneage.com has made an offer for our website. While we have always prided ourselves on being a pinnacle of journalistic integrity, sometimes you need to know when to give up and accept a massive buyout. Because it really is massive. We’re talking government bailout massive. We’ll be swimming in money while you, our dedicated fanbase, is left out in the cold.
You may be thinking to yourself, “No! What will I do without the comedic stylings of such geniuses as Ben Strauss? Where can I find more of the enigmatic dtcb?” Luckily for you, as part of our buyout, we have also sold Strauss and dtcb to XXXBoneage.com. You’ll still be able to find a new feature from each of them every Wednesday night.
It’s been a wonderful ride, and I wish you all luck in the future.

-George out

http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/newfood/

scroll down until you find someone you recognize

ps. if you hit “straus” keep going.  there’s another.

In honor of the inauguration, we’re back and gearing up for a whole new president.

44. A popular song by The Clash is Barack the Casbah.

because THIS BEAR IS AWESOME

ok it’s not that amazing, but I really love the headline

Well, obscure voyeurs, President’s Day is just around the corner (We kind of… lost this article… for a few months. -Ed). That’s right, the first President’s Day of the new millenium! (Okay, a few years. -Ed) In order to get you ready for this upcoming third Monday of February of the year 1000 (Okay… a few centuries. -Ed), we here at Obscure Porn have a special surprise that’s sure to put you in the President’s Day spirit. That’s right, we’ve decided to make each and every one of you the democratically elected leader of your own island nation!
Ok really I’m just going to make a pun (or rhyme or whatever) about each and every president, in order. So without further ado, here goes:

1. In an effort to stop its growing pollution problem, officials in Ithaca have announced plans for a ravine-cleaning party focused on restoring the beauty of the area’s touted ravines. According to flyers, it’ll be gorge-washing fun!
2. Outhouse-tipping, the new prank of choice for vandals in rural areas, is a growing problem for the more upstanding members of society. Said farmer Billy Bob, “If’n they come ’round here I’ll give ‘em a taste’a their own medicine. I’ll throw the john at ‘em!”
3. A Viking bull, nicknamed Tom, has finally come to terms with the fact that he doesn’t have a father, opting to go by the name Thomas Heifersson.
4. The Federalist Papers, bane of the existence of government students everywhere, are the brainchild of our nation’s fourth president. One might even call them his… MadiSon(s).
5. Max was enjoying his Jamaican vacation immensely, sipping tropical drinks at a bar on the beach. All of a sudden, a wave collected his belongings and started pulling them out to sea. The bartender, thinking quickly, got out his canoe and handed Max an oar, crying, “What’re ya waiting for, mon? Row!”
6. Having failed in his previous attempt to deter the outhouse vandals, Farmer Billy Bob went back to the drawing board and came up with an even better plan. “I’ll throw the john quincy at ‘em,” he said with a smirk before continuing, “I aint sure what a quincy is, but I’ll throw it at ‘em.”
7. The orphanage was so poor that they couldn’t afford for materials to play games. While luckier kids were able to play by bouncing a ball and then picking up spiky pieces of metal, the poor girls at the orphanage sighed, got out their pencils, and drew jacks on the table.
8. A group of kids from a middle school, deciding that painting and drawing really were the best medicine, began an initiative to bring these diversions to the hospital. The kids (apparently from For Better or For Worse (ignore these parentheses if you don’t read the comic)) called their new program Artin’ an’ Curin’.
9. Uncle It (father of Cousin It from the Addam’s Family), refers to his only child as his hairy son.
10. In the days before family names, one’s surname was decide by occupation. Thus the blacksmith was known as Frank Smith, the barrel maker was Mr. Cooper, and the man who put roofs on houses and made the kitchen floor was named John Tile-er.
11. James Polk… James Polk… what the hell did he do? Did he do anything? He gets no pun.
12. The whole town was abuzz with excitement. The game was about to begin. Everyone in town brought their cats, some short-tail and some long-tail. However, today, all the cats appeared to have long tails, and the judges had to decide which were natural and which were fake in the exciting game Tail or Pipe cleaner.
13. Timmy cackled with delight, clutching his arsenal of water balloons. He was going to sneak attack his little sister and her friends. As they rounded the corner, however, he realized he was outsmarted. The girls were there with enormous water guns. His own supply of water balloons was looking pitiful. In a desperate attempt to even the odds, he called frantically to his friend who was sitting near the hose, “FILL MORE BALLOONS! FILL MORE!”
14. Scientists discovered the worst smell known to man today, and said that it could only be described as “rank” and “fierce”
15. The British were able to defeat the flotilla, which was attacking along the river Thames, by using a special cannon that shot Bio-Laser Undulating Electric (BLUE) cannon balls. Their weapon was called the Thames Blue Cannon.
16. It was Civil War Reenactment Day. The town drunk had somehow gotten assigned to be one of the Confederate leaders, the kind with the sword that they had for no reason. Anyway, everyone was ready. In position, waiting to begin. Unfortunately, they were short one man. One Confederate leader with a superfluous sword, to be exact. Where was the sabre-man? Drinkin’.
17. Johnson. Penis. Enough said.
18. In the true text of the Odyssey, Odysseus was sent forward in time to the 1990s, where he became captivated by an animated show featuring a yellow drunk and his family. Upon discovering this writing, anthropologists were flummoxed. They immediately sought more government funding and received it in the Ulysss-Simpsons Grant.
19. What did Austin Powers say to president Rutherford? Oh B. Hayes.
20. What do you call it when an orange cat that likes to eat a lot is hit by a car driven by the 20th president and then picked up as roadkill? James Abram’s Car-peeled.
21. What do you get when you cross this president with someone who died for a cause? Chester A. Martyr.
22. In the big parade in Ohio, a giant ballon of one of the presidents broke free from its ties and went floating free into the air. Grover Cleveland, the balloon president, was last somewhere over Cleveland.
23. Who the fuck is Benjamin Harrison?
24. See 22.
25. In food-related news, McDonalds teamed up with Soylent Green for the latest addition to the dollars menu: a hamburger made out of one’s own family and Jet Li. It was be called the McKin-Li burger.
26. What do you call a president who puts his waistband in ice? Teddy Froze-a-belt.
27. Monopolies found his trust-busting policies so overzealous that they began referring to this president as William Howard Daft. (look, it was either this or William Howard Fat)
28. A president’s enterprising offspring began a lawncare service wherein they cut the grass while balancing on pieces of wood. They called their business Good-Mow Stilt Sons.
29. Harding. Hard on. Erection. C’mon.
30. The presidential refridgerator? Calvin’s cool fridge.
31. Depression era ice cream? Sherbert Hoover.
32. 26 but with Franklin. Franklin Froze-a-belt.
33. A presidential tribute band that uses strange things as drums: Harry S. Tru-man Group
34. A conspiracy theorist recently wrote a book about the Korean War titled Dwight D. LiesInPower.
35. In an alternate universe, this president was homosexual and not assassinated. Who is: J.F.Gay
36. Johnson. Again, penis. Do you really need me for this?
37. Both president and part of physics, Richard Friction.
38. Gerald Ford? More like Gerald Can’t Afford (anything) (I hope there was a recession when he was president because I really didn’t research so he could’ve been incredibly rich)
39. I’m sorry but you can’t be “James Earl” unless your last name is Jones. I guess that’s why this guy went by Jimmy.
40. Seriously I’m about to give up on this one… In college he was referred to as Ronald Keggin’
41. The blacksmiths would meet every year to test their strength in the Forge Push.
42. <gratuitous Monica Lewinsky “insert Bill here” joke>
43. Double your terror, double your guns. Double you hatredtothepresident with Double-You Bush. (I’m a liberal, if you couldn’t tell)

So there, now aren’t you all excited for the big day? Ready to go out and give your favorite president a great big hug? I know I am.

p.s. If you’re unsure as to which president I am referencing, too bad. They are very clearly numbered.

It begins on a typical Thursday afternoon. You’re sitting at your desk, staring blankly in the direction of your computer screen. “I don’t want to do any work,” your brains tells you. You nod in agreement.

Unfortunately, the situation is getting desperate. This late into the summer, you’ve already seen all the internet has to offer. You can’t talk to your coworkers because, well… you can’t talk to your coworkers (Trust me, you’re better off this way. signed, unexplained-narrator-telling-you-about your-own-life). You can’t even listen to music, as you finished your iTaco for lunch (and accidently lost half your music collection in the process) over an hour ago. In desperation, you turn to the thing that has helped you out of countless tough spots and dire situations in the past. From helping with homework to finding your way in an unfamiliar town to teaching you to love again after your heart was broken back in the 8th grade, it has always been there for you. You turn, of course, to Google (and, more specifically, to gmail chat).

Scanning your contacts list with increasing dismay, you realize that none of your friends are online. In fact, the only person who is online is that weird kid from your math class the year before. You don’t know much about him, because he only ever talked to ask for help on whatever assignment you had for the day. And even those conversations were brief because, more often than not, you were asleep or ignoring the work completely in some other way. Just as you move to close the browser in disgust and actually do your work, you notice his status change.

“this computer doesn’t even have JAVA?!??!?!?!?!”
The interrobangs catch your eye and the sheer ridiculousness of the question hooks you in. He seems to be lost in his own world of strange priorities (Java on the computers) and stranger expectations (Java on the computers). His gmail status, you soon realize, is a window into this world, and you, voyeur that you are, can’t resist peeking in.

Over the next few days, you share in his experiences. You laugh as he celebrates beating what you assume is some computer game (”OH MY GOD, I BEAT 5X5!!!!” he raves). You gasp in concern as he defies his mentor and stands up for his principles (”screw it, I’m right. my mentor’s wrong,” he declares, steeling himself for the clash of wills ahead, “x.x”) and then chuckle as he learns the hard way to trust in experience (”x.x”). You sit puzzled as he boldly speaks his mind (declaring “The bathroom smells like popcorn; it smells delicious”). You’re shocked as, one, day, the tone of the status changes dramatically. “Waldman…” he warns ominously and a million questions race through your head. Who is Waldman? What could he have done to evoke such ire? Okay… two questions race through your head. But they’re big questions. Slightly worried for your little friend, you realize that you can’t really do anything but wait.

Luckily, things are back to normal by the next day. He frantically scrambles to do his work (”OMG, where’s the integral sign in Matlab!?!??”). Evidently he’s found it by the end of the day, though, because he has time to ponder politics. As he wonders “Why is Obama so popular?” you can tell he has no idea who Obama is. You imagine him wonder to himself “Obama… Obama… why does that sound so familiar… was he in my Spanish class last year?” The next day brings another shock with a gmail status of “gay, so gay.” Who is he calling gay? Could it be Waldman? What is going on between those two? But again, you are forced to wait and worry.

The next few days find the subject of your study uncharacteristically happy, full of Disney songs and similar lyrics such as “Oh baby, baby this is not a lie Let’s stop this tonight.” You wonder for the thousandth time whether he realizes that anyone could read his gmail status, but just smile and continue with your day.

And then, one day, the pieces finally start to fit together. The morning starts with “Waldman, omg I’m gonna get you.” You spend the better part of the morning puzzling over this not-so-new development. You finally get your answer that afternoon, when his status changes to “SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY.” You gasp in epiphany as you realize that he’s not insulting anyone, or directing that at anyone else. All this time, he’s been talking about himself, revealing his inner thoughts and feelings. You realize that all along, he hasn’t been angry at Waldman. Those seemingly ominous status messages are not the angry warnings of a spited coworker, rather they tell a tale of a young man declaring his love to the world. Your heart aches as you discover that you’ve come to understand this strange boy, watching his trials and tribulations, his soaring victories and crushing defeats. A single tear rolls down your cheek for the love that you now know can never be.