OP: Because You Can’t Find It Anywhere Else

Here at Obscure Porn, we have striven to put out high quality content from day 1. However, after 13 years in the business, it’s pretty clear that this comedy thing isn’t really working out for us. Like Luke before he trains with Yoda, we just don’t have what it takes (especially since Ben Strauss went over to the dark side and started writing exclusively for the Cornell Psychopath). That is why I’m please to announce that Obscure Porn will be shifting its focus to Star Wars news and lore, effective immediately. We’ll be your one stop shop for everything happening a long long time ago in a galaxy far far away, from what’s hot in Hoth to the latest decisions from the Jedi Council.

When it comes to Star Wars, this is the site you’re looking for.

edit: Drew, you aren’t welcome here.

Courtesy of Zero Punctuation

http://www.cracked.com/article_18757_5-things-you-wont-believe-arent-in-bible.html
It turns out, the common description of Satan, with horns and a pitchfork and all that, doesn’t actually come from the Bible. In fact, “he’s just a disembodied ghost-voice, kind of like a really evil Obi-Wan Kenobi.”

STAR WARS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS AT ALL. STAR WARS DOES NOT NEED TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS AT ALL.

Ok and to make matters worse, the comparison doesn’t even make any fucking sense. For one thing, Obi-Wan is alive during 4 or 5 of the Star Wars movies. Furthermore, (and I’m forced to guess based on pictures given in the Cracked article because I am mildly normal and not obsessed with Star Wars), it looks like, when Obi-Wan appears in the movies after his death, HE’S STILL NOT DISEMBODIED. He appears as a ghostlike slightly transparent memory thing, but he definitely has a body.

I’ve been reading articles from http://www.cracked.com for a while now.  I’ve been wanting to write a pissed off rant about http://www.cracked.com for a (significantly shorter but still pretty long) while now.  I never got around to doing so because I have neither the patience nor the skill to do my rant justice, but honestly I just can’t take it anymore, so here’s the quick and poorly written version of my biggest Cracked-related complaint:

Cracked, stop fucking referencing Star Wars in every fucking article you post.

The last movie, Episode 3, came out 5 years ago and nobody cared about it even then.  The last movie your writers actually liked, Episode 6, came out in 1983.  That’s almost 30 years ago, a decade older than a large portion of your readership.  You can compare things in your articles to things that aren’t Star Wars.  It is okay.  You are allowed.

For lack of a better transition, here is an example of an article with too many goddamn Star Wars mentions.  For those of you who are lazy, that article is a list of five reasons Hollywood needs to stop making prequels.  Of the five reasons, four of them mention Star Wars!  Four!  Out of five!  That is too many times!

“But George,” you say, “that article is about shitty prequels and Star Wars had the shittiest of prequels!  His examples are apt!”  Fine, you’re right.  Star Wars references made the article boring and repetitive, but at least there is some tiny nugget of logic and reason behind it all.  However, I would like to point you to this.  Specifically, item 2, where the author explains that there is no mystery behind Stonehenge or the Pyramids being built.  He says “for one, the Egyptians actually used independent contractors just like the Empire did when they built the Second Death Star.”  Take a second and let that sink in.  Who the fuck was the author writing for?  Is there anyone in the universe who would possibly read “the Egyptians actually used independent contractors,” was unsure of the author’s meaning, read the comparison to Star fucking Wars and finally understood?

I submit that no, there is not and has never been anyone in the entire universe who read “the Egyptians actually used independent contractors,” was unsure of the author’s meaning and needed a comparison to Star fucking Wars to finally understand.

We’ve had a lot of fun over the years at OP, but I think we can all agree that we’ve said everything there is to say at this point. Effective immediately, OP will be shutting down.

Goodbye and good luck,
George

Thank you for happening, this.

Hello again, Obscure Voyeurs:
I’m sure you’re all aware of the rumors that, due to our massive amounts of accidental traffic, XXXBoneage.com has made an offer for our website. While we have always prided ourselves on being a pinnacle of journalistic integrity, sometimes you need to know when to give up and accept a massive buyout. Because it really is massive. We’re talking government bailout massive. We’ll be swimming in money while you, our dedicated fanbase, is left out in the cold.
You may be thinking to yourself, “No! What will I do without the comedic stylings of such geniuses as Ben Strauss? Where can I find more of the enigmatic dtcb?” Luckily for you, as part of our buyout, we have also sold Strauss and dtcb to XXXBoneage.com. You’ll still be able to find a new feature from each of them every Wednesday night.
It’s been a wonderful ride, and I wish you all luck in the future.

-George out

http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/newfood/

scroll down until you find someone you recognize

ps. if you hit “straus” keep going.  there’s another.

In honor of the inauguration, we’re back and gearing up for a whole new president.

44. A popular song by The Clash is Barack the Casbah.

because THIS BEAR IS AWESOME

ok it’s not that amazing, but I really love the headline