Because you can't find it anywhere else

Category: Crime

Fuck You Cracked Dot Com

I’ve been reading articles from http://www.cracked.com for a while now.  I’ve been wanting to write a pissed off rant about http://www.cracked.com for a (significantly shorter but still pretty long) while now.  I never got around to doing so because I have neither the patience nor the skill to do my rant justice, but honestly I just can’t take it anymore, so here’s the quick and poorly written version of my biggest Cracked-related complaint:

Cracked, stop fucking referencing Star Wars in every fucking article you post.

The last movie, Episode 3, came out 5 years ago and nobody cared about it even then.  The last movie your writers actually liked, Episode 6, came out in 1983.  That’s almost 30 years ago, a decade older than a large portion of your readership.  You can compare things in your articles to things that aren’t Star Wars.  It is okay.  You are allowed.

For lack of a better transition, here is an example of an article with too many goddamn Star Wars mentions.  For those of you who are lazy, that article is a list of five reasons Hollywood needs to stop making prequels.  Of the five reasons, four of them mention Star Wars!  Four!  Out of five!  That is too many times!

“But George,” you say, “that article is about shitty prequels and Star Wars had the shittiest of prequels!  His examples are apt!”  Fine, you’re right.  Star Wars references made the article boring and repetitive, but at least there is some tiny nugget of logic and reason behind it all.  However, I would like to point you to this.  Specifically, item 2, where the author explains that there is no mystery behind Stonehenge or the Pyramids being built.  He says “for one, the Egyptians actually used independent contractors just like the Empire did when they built the Second Death Star.”  Take a second and let that sink in.  Who the fuck was the author writing for?  Is there anyone in the universe who would possibly read “the Egyptians actually used independent contractors,” was unsure of the author’s meaning, read the comparison to Star fucking Wars and finally understood?

I submit that no, there is not and has never been anyone in the entire universe who read “the Egyptians actually used independent contractors,” was unsure of the author’s meaning and needed a comparison to Star fucking Wars to finally understand.

Movie Review: Lakeview Terrace

Lakeview Terrace is a chilling tale about the dangers of suburban life. Samuel L. Jackson plays Abel “Jordan” Turner, a single father struggling to raise two children in a world of moral corruption and bad grammar. When a newly married couple moves in next door to his house on Lakeview Circle, AJT doesn’t think much of it. But it’s not long before Tariq’s new neighbors are asking him to turn off his security lights (his only defense against the dangerous lowlifes that prowl Lakeview at night), parking illegally, having sex in front of his kids, entering his house, and generally threatening his safety, family, and way of life. As a police officer, Abdullah-Jamal begins to sense the danger posed by his new neighbors and their criminal lifestyle, but it may be too late for him to stop them from taking, WHAT EVER they want.

With its gripping cinematic style, crisp dialogue, and flawless acting, Lakeview Terrace paints a terrifying picture of a worst-case scenario of neighborhood relations. It seems there are several lessons to be learned from this film and its portrayal of Elijah’s ordeal:
– You can never trust your neighbors, no matter how young and vibrant they seem to be.
– Sometimes, when dealing with truly twisted minds, even being stubborn and annoying can’t save you.
– Only you can prevent forest fires.
– I’m the police; you have to do what I say.

There's a $1000 fine for Twittering

Attentive readers may have noticed the appearance of a new Twitter sidebar on this otherwise flawless website.  We’re having management look into it; hopefully it’s not indicative of a larger problem with our servers.  We’ll get back to you as soon as more information becomes available.

It’s not all bad news today, though.  I am proud to announce the debut of the official Obscure Porn Twitter!  You can subscribe at www.twitter.com/obscureporn.  It will be your up-to-the-minute source for all news obscure and pornographic, and possibly neither.  Our correspondents are working around the clock to provide you with the latest coverage of them working around the clock.  You don’t want to miss this.  Starring Brad Pitt and Kate Hudson, with Eric Hysen as the gnome who sells them weed.

Codeine

So I’ve been on codeine for a couple days now. For those of you not in the know, it’s Project Pat’s drug of choice and one of the key ingredients in Sizurp, also known as “Purple Drank.”

A review will be forthcoming. Suffice it to say that the works of Paul Wall, especially his chopped and screwed remixes, make a lot more sense now.

Missing Persons Report

Today marks the one year anniversary of Mary Worth’s disappearance from the Washington Post. If you have seen Ms. Worth, please contact the Washington Post comics department or the Mary Worth Anti-Cancellation Committee at once. Mary Worth is described as a meddling old biddy, age mid-70s, between 5’0 and 5’4. Her favored activities include meddling, advice-giving, adopting other people’s pets, trips to Vietnam, sending other people on trips to Vietnam, and causing Captain Kangaroo look-alikes to drive off a cliff.

If you have any information as to her whereabouts, please call the tip line at 1-800-MEDDLER.

Warning: Schemes

Man, I am very into coming up with awesome ideas, but being unable to carry them to fruition.

[1:20] <Mantas> help me think of some of the stuff we did
[1:20] <Mantas> the crazy plans
[1:21] <Mantas> that never got finished
[1:21] <Grog> there are so many
[1:21] <Grog> nigh-infinity

Let’s have a list of some of the ones I remember:

Cookies for everyone funding, ninja outfits, making our own coca cola, graffiti, making an AIM AI with a true personality, Parkour, 3D Pool, “Grammar Team vs. The Murder Monkey”, making a 3 foot ballista capable of firing a ping pong ball into a brick wall, Bacon Fridays, the Zelda MAN skit, The fully physics programmed “Gullivers Travels 2: Gullivers Revenge” stick figure fighting game, making obscureporn.com, engaging in a Spartan training program, hacking/ questionably legal stuff, my kickass gigantic capture the flag game, flaming nunchaku/whip, the Caleb Survival Guide, telling Henry Scher he is Caleb, the Triumvirate of me nick and david, the Great Trip, the Lesser Trip, Thermite, Neo-Darwinian Dogma, write a comic for silver chips, This versus That, changing construction road signs, senior magnet picnic, etc.

Now, by no means have I given up on any of these. I just don’t usually remember them enough to make any forward progress with them.

i will continue adding to this list if i remember more