Because you can't find it anywhere else

Category: News & Politics

Help Me Obscure Porn, You're My Only Hope

Here at Obscure Porn, we have striven to put out high quality content from day 1. However, after 13 years in the business, it’s pretty clear that this comedy thing isn’t really working out for us. Like Luke before he trains with Yoda, we just don’t have what it takes (especially since Ben Strauss went over to the dark side and started writing exclusively for the Cornell Psychopath). That is why I’m please to announce that Obscure Porn will be shifting its focus to Star Wars news and lore, effective immediately. We’ll be your one stop shop for everything happening a long long time ago in a galaxy far far away, from what’s hot in Hoth to the latest decisions from the Jedi Council.

When it comes to Star Wars, this is the site you’re looking for.

edit: Drew, you aren’t welcome here.

I'm on the List

Shit!  I’m turning 20 years old this week and I haven’t accomplished anything on my List of Things to Accomplish Before Turning 20 Years Old.  (It’s like a Bucket List, except it’s just my youth that’s dying.)  I had completely forgotten about this list until the other day when I was going through some of my records.  It was a little hard to read because it’s so old, but I deciphered it and transcribed it for you:

  • Ride in a hot air balloon – I regret to say that I have not yet done this.
  • Take candy from a baby – Everyone says this is really easy, but I haven’t been able to pull it off yet.  It’s hard to even find a baby with candy, you know?  I mean, who gives candy to a baby and then just leaves them there unattended?  And it’s not like babies can just buy candy on their own!  At this point it would be easier to just obtain a baby for myself, give candy to it, and then immediately take it back.
  • Turn 21 years old – Scientists tell me that this is still at least one year away.  Yeah, tell that to my list, guys!
  • Get rejected from Cornell University – OK, it’s like I was trying to fail at everything on this list.
  • Go over the list and make sure I’ve done everything on it – At least I’m actively working on this one.
  • Own a house – I am so behind on this one.  I don’t even own a mouse!
  • Own a mouse – Dammit!
  • FREE SPACE – Oh, that was nice of me.  So that’s one down.
  • Fulfill my destiny – Whatever I’m doing right now,  I was destined to do it.  So actually I think I can cross this one off the list.
  • Write an article for ObscurePorn.com – History will judge this one.
  • Dress up as Spider-Man for Halloween – Yes!  Done!  Although, I’m pretty sure I made this list after October 31, 1996, so I don’t know why I would put something on there that I had already done.  Maybe I wanted to do it again?  In which case, no, I have not accomplished this.
  • Kill a man – Uh, yeah, dang, another thing I, uh, haven’t accomplished.  You’ll never find evidence of me doing this… which is because I haven’t done it.
  • Climb the ten tallest mountains in the world – Let’s see, I’ve done Everest, K2, Kangchenjunga, Lhotse, Makalu, Cho Oyu, Dhaulagiri I, Manaslu, and Nanga Parbat… dammit, that’s only nine!  Whatever, Annapurna I sucks anyway.
  • Die – I’ll do that another day.  I don’t feel too bad about leaving this one unfinished.
  • Get it – What?  I don’t get it.  Oh- dammit!
  • Bing and Decide – …it’s not worth it.
  • Have more than 17 things on this list – I’m such a failure that I can’t even think of enough things for myself to fail at?!

Well, it’s safe to say I’m not the person I thought I was going to be when I made this list.  Though to be honest, one week is not very much time to accomplish all these things.  Wait – hold on a second – this isn’t my List of Things to Accomplish Before Turning 20 Years Old, it’s my grocery list!  Here’s my LoTtABT2YO:

  • One dozen eggs – Done.
  • Stick of butter – Done.
  • One watermelon – Done.
  • Box of waffles – Done.
  • Cheerios – Done.
  • Leave a lasting impact on civilization – Shit!

Swine Flu Tips

As you probably haven’t heard, the H1N1 strand of influenza, or “swine flu”, is the latest craze sweeping the nation. This deadly disease can kill you, ending your life and causing you to become dead, at which point you will stop living. If you are reading this, you probably already have swine flu, but in case you have been lucky enough to avoid H1N1 so far, here are some tips to help you stay healthy.

  • Swine flu has the same symptoms as regular influenza. These symptoms include coughing, sore throat, headache, fever, and tiredness.  If you are experiencing these symptoms, you probably just have the regular flu, so it’s nothing to worry about.
  • If you feel sick, make sure you go to class or work like usual. Staying home will just cause you to be cooped up in a confined space, where you’re likely to spread the disease to all your roommates.  Also, by staying home, you’ll only be contributing to a nationwide panic.  We have to return to a sense of normalcy as quickly as possible, for the sake of the economy.
  • Make sure you touch your face a lot. Your face is the primary place on your body where germs can build.  Left untouched, you could accumulate enough swine flu germs from others to cause you to become sick.  Touching your face as much as possible is the easiest way to combat this illness.
  • Shake hands with everybody. If there are 50 people in a room, and all of them have swine flu, and each one of them shakes hands with each other one, but there are no repeat handshakes, how many total handshakes will there be before everyone has died?
  • Don’t wash your hands. By now, the water supply has likely been contaminated with the H1N1 virus.  Washing your hands will only kill you faster.
  • Don’t use your hands to cover your coughs or sneezes. Using your hands to cover coughs or sneezes is likely to facilitate the spread of germs.  Instead, you should cover your mouth with other people’s hands.
  • Don’t visit obscureporn.com. That website has sooooooooooooooo many viruses.

Just remember these few tips, and you may survive long enough to see swine flu victims start to become reanimated.  Then you’re really fucked.