Because you can't find it anywhere else

Category: things that suck

Movie Review: Death Race 2

I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is yes.  Yes, there is a Death Race 2.  Yes, it is a sequel to a remake, and yes, it takes place BEFORE the first one.  Yes, it’s direct-to-DVD.  Yes, it stars Danny Trejo, and yes, it’s in a supporting role.  Yes, it also has Ving Rhames and the guy who played 006.  Yes, of course I watched it.  And yes, it is exactly as bad as you think it is.  In fact, pretty much everything about it is hilariously bad.  The premise of the movie is basically “CARS + EXPLOSIONS + RACIAL STEREOTYPES = WIN”.  The combination of retarded writing and retarded acting make for a lot of laugh-out-loud moments.  Also, every time a car crashes, it explodes improbably.  And the best line of dialogue is “HAHAHA I JUST FUCKED YO ASS!!!”  Seriously, why are you not watching this movie right now??

Fuck You Cracked Dot Com

I’ve been reading articles from http://www.cracked.com for a while now.  I’ve been wanting to write a pissed off rant about http://www.cracked.com for a (significantly shorter but still pretty long) while now.  I never got around to doing so because I have neither the patience nor the skill to do my rant justice, but honestly I just can’t take it anymore, so here’s the quick and poorly written version of my biggest Cracked-related complaint:

Cracked, stop fucking referencing Star Wars in every fucking article you post.

The last movie, Episode 3, came out 5 years ago and nobody cared about it even then.  The last movie your writers actually liked, Episode 6, came out in 1983.  That’s almost 30 years ago, a decade older than a large portion of your readership.  You can compare things in your articles to things that aren’t Star Wars.  It is okay.  You are allowed.

For lack of a better transition, here is an example of an article with too many goddamn Star Wars mentions.  For those of you who are lazy, that article is a list of five reasons Hollywood needs to stop making prequels.  Of the five reasons, four of them mention Star Wars!  Four!  Out of five!  That is too many times!

“But George,” you say, “that article is about shitty prequels and Star Wars had the shittiest of prequels!  His examples are apt!”  Fine, you’re right.  Star Wars references made the article boring and repetitive, but at least there is some tiny nugget of logic and reason behind it all.  However, I would like to point you to this.  Specifically, item 2, where the author explains that there is no mystery behind Stonehenge or the Pyramids being built.  He says “for one, the Egyptians actually used independent contractors just like the Empire did when they built the Second Death Star.”  Take a second and let that sink in.  Who the fuck was the author writing for?  Is there anyone in the universe who would possibly read “the Egyptians actually used independent contractors,” was unsure of the author’s meaning, read the comparison to Star fucking Wars and finally understood?

I submit that no, there is not and has never been anyone in the entire universe who read “the Egyptians actually used independent contractors,” was unsure of the author’s meaning and needed a comparison to Star fucking Wars to finally understand.

Coming Attractions

It’s often said that there are no original ideas in Hollywood.  In fact, it’s been said so often that saying it again is completely unoriginal at this point.  But this time, it’s different.  This time I’ve got evidence.  The following is a list of all the sequels, remakes, and adaptations coming out over the next few years.  Peruse at your own risk:

  • The Final Destination – I know we’ve already been over this, but putting “the” in front of your movie title doesn’t change the meaning at all.  Regardless, this movie looks like the shit!
  • Halloween II – Is this a remake of Halloween II from 1981, or a sequel to Halloween from 2007?  They should’ve just called this The Halloween.
  • 9 – A feature-length remake of an eleven minute short film.  I think that means it will be 9 times worse.
  • Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs – OK, this just looks terrible.  Forecast: crappy with a chance of bad reviews.
  • Fame – The original Fame came out in 1980.  So did every actor who appeared in it.
  • Toy Story 3-D and Toy Story 2 3-D Double Feature – These titles are very confusing.  Are either of these movies Toy Story 3?
  • The Road – How many of you liked No Country For Old Men?  How many of you liked it enough to see this other movie adapted from a book by the same author that is in a completely different genre and style?  That’s definitely not enough of you to justify describing this movie as “highly anticipated” – ObscurePorn.com.
  • Where the Wild Things Are – Let me remind you that the book from which this movie is adapted is only ten sentences long.  I guess they just talk really slowly in the movie.  Anyway, your childhood memories are about to be warped forever and you will never get them back.
  • Astro Boy – If only anyone cared about Astro Boy.  I mean, let’s be honest, he’s no Speed Racer.
  • Saw VI – The fact that this series is already six movies long is less impressive when you consider that they are all the same movie.
  • A Christmas CarolFrom the director of The Polar Express and Beowulf comes the adventure of several lifetimes.  Ooooooooo!  I am the Ghost of the Uncanny Valley!  Beware of releasing this movie!  So anyway, these movies are extensively motion-captured, right?  Then how does Jim Carrey look 5000 years old in this?  Did they put prosthetics on him and then motion-capture that?
  • Fantastic Mr. Fox – Not having read the original book by Roald Dahl, I can’t tell if this will suffer in the translation to film.  OK, it will.
  • New Moon – This is a sequel, an adaptation, a sequel to an adaptation, and an adaptation of a sequel.  Is that a category at the Oscars?
  • Nine – OK so, this has no relation to that other movie 9, besides their presence on this list.  This is an adaptation of a Broadway musical.  That Broadway musical is an adaptation of a stage play.  That stage play is inspired by the movie 8 1/2.  So it’s taken us 46 years to move forward a half-step.  Look for Nine and a Third in 2040!
  • The Princess and the Frog – Yeah, you forgot about this fairy tale, didn’t you!  Probably because it’s the only one with a black heroine, you racist!  Disney is not racist.  They remember.
  • The Lovely Bones – This book was all the rage in eighth grade.  Peter Jackson likes directing movies.  I can’t think of a better match for an adaptation.
  • Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel – Everyone loved the first movie.  That’s why they made a second one.  That’s how it works.  This one features a really creepily sexualized female chipmunk.  Other than that it’s nothing like Ice Age 3.
  • Sherlock Holmes – Robert Downey Jr. is Sherlock Holmes.  This has no relation to that other movie coming out soon, in which Sacha Baron Cohen is Sherlock Holmes.  This one stars Jude Law as Will Ferrell and is produced by Ritchie Apatow.  Don’t get confused.
  • Tekken – There’s a Tekken movie?!  With James Franco as Hwoarang?! (Am I pronouncing that right?)  It’s not that weird that this exists, what with the current craze for adapting video games into movies, it’s just weird that I haven’t heard about it.
  • The Legend Of Spyro 3D – There’s a Spyro movie?!  With Elijah Wood as Spyro?!  It’s weird that this exists.
  • Hoodwinked 2: Hood vs. Evil – OK first of all, that is a terrible pun.  Also this movie series is essentially just a worse version of Shrek.  It’s like Shrek the Third.
  • The Wolfman – This is a remake of one of those old Universal monster movies.  Actually, the title has been changed from the original The Wolf Man, and that’s just one of the many huge changes they’re making to update this movie for contemporary audiences.  Another example is that instead of being about a vicious man-eating beast, the new movie is about a mild-mannered accountant named Howard Wolfman who turns into an actuary when a full moon is out.
  • Alice in Wonderland – Disney has adapted Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland before, but not like this!  This time it’s directed by Tim Burton, who did so well with his other adaptation of a children’s book, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.  Only white makeup enthusiasts need apply.
  • Clash of the Titans – A remake of a retelling of literally thousands-of-years-old myths.  There is no possible way they could add anything to the story; it, like anyone upon whom the Gorgon Medusa’s gaze rests, is set in stone.  That just leaves the visual effects to be updated.  But how can you improve on stop motion?
  • MacGruber – A movie adaptation of a parody of a TV show.  I guess Hollywood is really making use of the materials it has at hand.
  • Wall Street 2 – Greed is good.  Clearly Oliver Stone has learned that lesson.  This movie has the opportunity to provide a scathing commentary on the factors that led to the current economic Seasonal Affective Disorder, but more likely it will just provide a scathing commentary on Michael Douglas’s acting ability.
  • A Nightmare on Elm Street – Jeez guys, horror films aren’t that complicated.  If you really wanted to make a movie about a guy invading people’s dreams, you could just do it, and I don’t think anyone would care that it’s the same plot as A Nightmare on Elm Street.  There’s no need to do a “reboot.”  Anyway, this movie stars Rorschach from Watchmen as Freddy Krueger, meaning that the Batman voice will be haunting your nightmares well through 2010.
  • Iron Man 2 – Iron Man… Iron Man… doesn’t ring a bell… is this about a maid?  Why would anyone want to see that?  Why would enough people want to see it that there’s a sequel?
  • Robin Hood – Robin Hood?  Robin Hood?!  Are you serious?  This story has been told eight million times!  We don’t need to hear it again!  Especially not from Russell Crowe!  I have an idea, let’s release another movie a week after this one starring Robert Downey Jr. as Robin Hood.  And then maybe another one with Sacha Baron Cohen a week later.  And then maybe they can all cross over and kill each other and we can be done with this.
  • Shrek Forever After – I don’t know why they changed the title from Shrek Goes FourthShrek Forever After just gives the impression that this series will never end.  Uh, that’s not why they changed it, is it?
  • Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time – This video game lends itself very well to a movie adaptation, because anytime a scene needs more than one take, it’s embracing the central conceit of the game.  Unfortunately for the theatergoers, that means that we have to sit there and watch while the director says “oh, hang on, that’s not right,” and shoots the scene again.  I don’t know about you, but I’m psyched!  Wait, that’s not right.  I meant “this looks terrible!”
  • Sex and the City 2 – If you really had enough material for two movies, why did you stop making the TV show?  It was pretty easy to avoid Sex and the City when it was just on some cable channel no one got, but it’s not so easy when Sarah Jessica Parker’s face is taking up an entire movie screen.  Anyway, it’s clear that this movie should have been titled 2 Sex 2 City.
  • Marmaduke – Ahahaha why?!?!?  I guess Marmaduke has never been more relevant than he is in 2009.  Or maybe the technology just hasn’t been good enough until now to provide the sense of visceral terror that should accompany Marmaduke’s gnashing teeth and horrible growl.  The only good that can come out of this movie is that maybe it  will finally convince the industry that America is ready for Mary Worth: The Movie.
  • The A Team – Does it star Mr. T?  No?  Then I don’t care.
  • Get Him to the Greek – This is, if you can believe it, a spin-off of Forgetting Sarah Marshall.  Remember that annoying British character you were supposed to hate?  Now you can look forward to an entire movie about him!
  • The Kung Fu Kid – A remake of The Karate Kid starring Jackie Chan and Will Smith’s kid?  Why didn’t anyone think of this before?  By the way, do you think Jaden Smith actually wanted to be a movie star, or was HappynessTM forced on him?
  • Footloose – Footloose!  Footloose!  Something something something footloose!  Watching this movie will be as painful as losing your foot.  Or is that “loosing”?
  • Toy Story 3 – No “D”?  Where’s the “D”?  The missing “D” is for “disappointing.”
  • Eclipse – Oh my God, another friggin’ Twilight movie?  How many books are there in this series?  45?  I’m guessing this one is about vampires.
  • The Last Airbender – I wonder if they took the “Avatar” out of the title of the anime to avoid confusion with that James Cameron movie.  Avoiding confusion can’t have been the main goal, though, since they hired  M. Night Shyamalan to be the director.
  • Predators – Guys, you already made a sequel called Predator 2 nineteen years ago.  It’s too late to do Predators.  I really wish this method of sequel-titling would be applied to more movies, though.  I would be excited to see The Thing: Plural in 2011.
  • The Green Hornet – It all becomes clear: Pineapple Express was created just to prepare America to accept Seth Rogen as an action hero.  That’s already weird enough, but I had totally forgotten that this is directed by Michel Gondry!  The fighting in this movie will be entirely dream-based.
  • The Sorcerer’s Apprentice – An entire movie based on that one segment from Fantasia wherein Mickey is a shitty wizard.  More disturbingly, this is live-action, produced by Jerry Bruckheimer, and starring Nicholas Cage!  He would look good with giant circular ears, now that I think about it.
  • Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore – I know what you’re thinking: this is indescribably stupid.  But really, the original Cats & Dogs was ahead of its time.  Now that America’s obsession with cute animals has been reinforced by countless YouTube videos, it’s the perfect time for a comeback.  This will suck anyway.
  • Step Up 3-D – Oh, here’s the “D.”  This will probably be a step up from High School Musical 3.  Is that true?  D.
  • Resident Evil: Afterlife – After your life ends, there is still this Resident Evil movie.  That way when you come back as a zombie, you know what you’re supposed to do.
  • Red Dawn – Wasn’t the plot of the original movie heavily focused on the Cold War?  As in, it was entirely about the Cold War?  A “war” that ended almost twenty years ago?  Twenty years before this remake comes out?  Your Honor, I object: leading questions!
  • A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas – I could’ve sworn that Kal Penn had something more important to be doing these days.  I guess not.  I plan to have something more important to be doing on November 5, 2010 than watching this movie.
  • Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I – You just had to do it, didn’t you?  This series was already going to be seven movies long, and then you had to go and split the last one into two parts.  What’s the next one going to be, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II – The Beginning?  And then Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Go To Hawaii?  Troubling.
  • The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader – This movie series based on a long-winded seven-part book series, on the other hand, is just getting started.  Has anyone else written seven books and wants to adapt them into a movie?  Consider not doing that.
  • Kick-Ass – Most people will be unfamiliar with this one, but this is actually based on a comic book that published literally four issues before the movie deal was signed, and is now basically on indefinite hiatus until after the movie is released.  So next time you create something, just bury it in the ground immediately before it gets turned into a movie.  This includes things like a new mix of fruit to put in your cereal.
  • The Smurfs – The Smurfs.  The fuckin’ Smurfs.  In CGI, of course.  This will be smurferrible.
  • Gulliver’s Travels – Starring Jack Black.  No word yet as to why.
  • Rapunzel – Yeah, yeah, it’s another Disney fairy tale movie.  Whatever.  I’ve always wondered, though, is that long hair a metaphor for something?  Rapunzel’s longing to have her story made into a movie?  Hmm?  Hmm?  Did I say I wondered that?  I meant the Disney executives.
  • Tron Legacy – I’m pretty sure the only legacy of Tron is being one of the first films to use computer graphics extensively and then being declared ineligible for the Academy Award for Best Visual Effects because that was considered “cheating.”  Wait, that’s not interesting.  I meant, I’m pretty sure the only legacy of Tron is being a really sucky movie!!
  • Stretch Armstrong – This is the most transparent case of opportunistically jumping on a successful trend of any movie on this list.  It’s like, Transformers and G.I. Joe did really well, so I’m sure a movie based on the first toy that pops into my head, especially one that hasn’t entered anyone else’s brain in thirty years, will be equally successful!  Who can we get to write it?  How about the first guy who pops into my head?  Nope, Elmo is a fictional character, let’s get the Thumb Wars guy instead.  Holy crap.
  • Spider-Man 4 – Yup, it’s happening.  Still not sure why it’s not called Shrek Goes Fourth, though.
  • Thor – It’s the thor movie.  Movie number thorShrek Goes Thorf.  I don’t know.
  • The Hangover 2 – OK, so in this one, Doug, Alan, Phil, and Stu have a fifth friend who’s getting married, so they throw him a bachelor party, but when they wake up the next morning, they’re being human trafficked!  And they have no idea how it happened!
  • Kung Fu Panda: The Kaboom of Doom – Wow, the second movie on this list to have “Kung Fu” in the title.  And the twenty-second to have “the” in the title.  How unoriginal can you get?
  • Green Lantern – I know it’s been said a million times by now, but Ryan Reynolds already played Deadpool!  And a character in Blade: Trinity!  Why does this guy play so many comic book characters!  Having Ryan Reynolds play a comic book character is so unoriginal by now.
  • Cars 2 – I’ve always thought that Cars had the most unoriginal name out of all the Pixar movies.  What better way to name a sequel than to put the number 2 after it?
  • Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II – UNORIGINAL UNORIGINAL UNORIGINAL
  • The First Avenger: Captain America – Does that title come off as a little awkward to anyone else?  Shouldn’t it be Captain America: The First Avenger?  Is this a set-up for The Second Avenger: Ant-Man or something?  The Firsts Avenger?  (Can you imagine if this movie was about a guy who went around murdering people who put “first” on website comments sections?  “That is why they call me… The First Avenger!”)
  • The Adventures of Tintin: Secret of the Unicorn – Spoiler alert: the secret is that this whimsical comic book series should never have been made into a movie.
  • The Hobbit – Somehow this book is requiring two movies to be properly adapted.  And here I thought hobbits were supposed to be shorter than regular people!  Rimshot
  • Get Smart 2 – Oh c’mon, the first one wasn’t even good.  And the fact that it isn’t titled Get Smarter, or even Get Smart Again, shows that the second one won’t be either.  This is just 2 smart 2 get me 2 the movie theater.
  • The Rest – Marvin the Martian, Happy Feet 2, Bourne 4, Deadpool, Men in Black III, Terminator V, Bond 23, Mission Impossible IV, Rambo V, Sinatra, The Lone Ranger, Star Trek Sequel, Indiana Jones 5, Ghost Rider 2, Wanted 2, National Treasure 3, The Lorax, Puss in Boots: Story of an Ogre Killer, The Avengers, Madagascar 3, Pirates of the Caribbean 4, Transformers 3, Saw VII, Beverly Hills Cop IV, Ghostbusters III, The Jetsons, X-Men Origins: Wolverine 2, Anchorman 2, Chronicles of Riddick Sequel, Constantine 2 – These are all movies that don’t have their own Wikipedia page, either because they don’t totally exist yet, or are still in pre-production, or are just too awful to think about.  If you add up all the numbers in the titles of the movies just in this segment of the list, you get 88, which is just shy of the numbers of times I wanted to kill myself while making this list.

Have you noticed this list is horrifyingly long?  And yet, is it such a bad thing to want more of something we enjoyed the first time?  To take comfort in the familiarity of a proven quantity?  What are you, stupid?  Of course it is!  You haven’t learned anything from the past four hours, or however long it took you to read this list!  Forget it.  Enjoy the sequel to this list in 2010.

I Hate Bradford Howe

I hate Bradford Howe.

Who?

You know, Bradford Howe. That guy who hosts the ads before the previews start when you go to see a movie.

Oh, you mean this guy?

Bradford Howe

Yeah, that guy. Doesn’t he suck?

You know, I’ve never really thought about it before.

Well don’t think, just know. He sucks. A lot.

Why?

Oh, fine, now you want reasons. Maybe next you’ll want articles that don’t involve me pretending to talk to myself. Fine, here you go.

Reasons I Hate Bradford Howe

  1. How hard is it to wear a freakin’ tie?
  2. Where the hell is his set supposed to be? I mean seriously – it’s based on the logo of an advertising company! Is there anything that could possibly be less interesting than a set based on the logo of an advertising company nobody likes?
  3. Play some better commercials. If I have to see that “The Apple in Your Eye” or The Coca-Cola Refreshing Filmmaker Award crap again, someone’s legs are getting broken. I’m looking at Bradford Howe.
  4. He’s like Ryan Seacrest, but with even less talent (Is that even possible?) and without an endearing catchphrase.
  5. Actually, scratch that. “Seacrest out!” is about as unendearing as possible. And please, Bradford Howe, don’t start ending your segments with “Howe Out!” I don’t think I could handle it.
  6. What kind of name is Bradford Howe, anyway? Is Bradford even a first name?
  7. No time for a seventh reason – I’m too busy hating Bradford Howe.
  8. He’s Canadian. Or at least he used to be a VJ at Canadian fake-MTV MuchMusic. (ObscurePorn does not hate Canadians. Just Bradford Howe. -Ed.)
  9. It’s impossible to find information on him online for, say, writing a hate piece about him. One of the top Google results for his name was actually a girl’s Angelfire page saying “OMGOMGOMG I MET BRADFORD HOWE!!!!111!!!ONEISUCK!!!”.
  10. Did I mention he sucks?

I invite the entire ObscurePorn community to add their own reasons why they hate Bradford Howe in the comments. If #9 is any indication, this post will soon be one of the top Google results for Bradford Howe, so anyone searching for him will know the truth.