Because you can't find it anywhere else

Category: Entertainment

Choose Your Own Pornventure

Hello and welcome to the first (and likely last) ever Choose Your Own Pornventure!
If you don’t want to play, type in a different URL in your address bar. Or close this window. Somehow navigate away from this web page.
If you do want to play, turn to page 1.

Page 1
Are you sure you want to do this? Seriously, it’s not too late to just forget the whole thing. I wouldn’t be offended. Go ahead, go to a different website. Are you sure? OK fine.
A man walks up to you and says, “Hello and welcome to the first (and likely last) ever Choose Your Own Pornventure! How would you like to play?”
If you would like to be a spaceperson exploring Mars, turn to page 2.
If you would like to be transported back in time to Ancient Rome, turn to page 3.
If you would like to be stuck inside a giant pinball machine (or maybe you just shrunk and you’re inside a regular pinball machine), turn to page 4.

Page 2
You have just landed on the surface of Mars. Suddenly, a giant metal ball careens toward you! You barely get out of the way, but not before the giant metal ball bounces off something in the distance and comes back. This time it doesn’t come near you, but as you follow it with your eyes, you see a giant cone shaped object shoot forward and strike the ball, sending it off in an unpredictable direction. Then it hits you. You’re inside a giant Mars-themed pinball machine!
Turn to page 5.

Page 3
You are standing in the Roman Forum (a central marketplace and town square). Everything looks extremely accurate for the period. Suddenly, a giant metal ball careens toward you! You barely get out of the way, but not before the giant metal ball bounces off something in the distance and comes back. This time it doesn’t come near you, but as you follow it with your eyes, you see a giant cone shaped object shoot forward and strike the ball, sending it off in an unpredictable direction. Then it hits you. You’re inside a giant Ancient Rome-themed pinball machine!
Turn to page 5.

Page 4
You are surrounded by flashing lights and loud sounds, and you feel as though you are standing on a 6.5 degree incline. Yes, by all accounts, you are inside a giant pinball machine. Suddenly, the entire structure jolts around, and you are knocked off your feet. Once the shaking subsides, you notice a conveniently placed exit door (more of a trapdoor, since it’s in the ground). You open it up and fall out, only to notice that you are wearing a spacesuit and everything around you is red. Then it hits you. You were in a pinball machine-shaped spacecraft en route to Mars! And now you’ve arrived!
Turn to page 6.

Page 5
Now that you’re in this pinball machine, your thoughts turn to nothing but how to get out. After all, it’s pretty scary in there: the flashing lights are about to give you a seizure, and you feel like you’re going deaf from all the loud sounds. Not to mention there is a giant metal ball rolling around at extremely high speeds. You see two options for how to get out: break a hole through the glass ceiling, or climb out the place where the ball is propelled forward by the plunger.
If you want to break a hole in the ceiling, read the second comment on this post.
If you want to climb out of the place where the ball is propelled forward by the plunger, turn to page 7.

Page 6
You’re on Mars! This is it! You’re making history! After a few moments of awestruck silence, you get on your Martian rover and start driving around. You are basically just driving in a straight line. NASA wants you to be doing important science stuff, but you really just came to Mars to screw around. Anyway, you are driving straight, when all of a sudden a huge wall comes into view just feet in front of you (it had been obscured by a dust storm previously). With just seconds to act, you have to swerve around it somehow. Do you turn left or right? YOU GET NO MORE INFORMATION! YOU HAVE TO DECIDE NOW!! LEFT OR RIGHT!! WHICH IS IT?!?
If you want to turn left, send an email to You will receive an auto-response with further instructions. Please do not send more than one email every four days. Limit one per household. Void where prohibited. OK just kidding, but not about that “only once every four days” thing.
If you want to turn right, turn to page 10.

Page 7
You climb down into the place where the ball is propelled forward by the plunger. You’re starting to think maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. Is there even an exit over here? As you are walking down the chute, a ball rolls into position, the plunger draws back, and- OH! This was ill-advised. It seems you have been squashed to death by a giant metal ball. You have lost. GAME OVER.
If you would like to play again, turn back to page 1.
If you would like to quit (and really, who can blame you), go away from this website somehow. I don’t really care how, and neither do you, probably. Just stop playing this ridiculous game. It’s sucking away your life.

Page 8
You jump down from the giant pinball machine in order to get across the room to the Shrink/Unshrink Machine. Unfortunately, a fall from this height is lethal to someone of your stature. Your bones break in many little pieces and you die painfully. What a way to go, too. I can think of many better ways to die. Especially since your remains are eaten by a mouse. Well, you have a few choices now.
If you want to play again, turn back to page 1.
Otherwise, go away.

Page 9
You sit on top of the pinball machine, thinking about what to do. There’s not much you can do, really. Any idiot can see that jumping to the floor in order to get across the room to the Shrink/Unshrink Machine would be lethal to someone of your stature. As you are thinking, the mad scientist enters the room.
If you want to hide so he doesn’t see you, turn to page 13.
If you want to wait until he’s close and then jump into his pocket, turn to page 13.

Page 10
Little did you know that there was a giant pit full of death to the right of the wall! You have died, and NASA is really pissed because they spent billions of dollars on this mission. In fact you are a disgrace to the American people. Man, if only you had been smart enough to turn left instead of right! You should’ve been able to figure out that that was the right thing to do. Anyway, you’re dead.
If you want to play again, turn back to page 1.
If you don’t want to play again, then why the hell are you still hanging around here! Go do something! Improve the world somehow.

Page 11
You declare to the Martians, “I come in peace!” But, unfortunately, they don’t speak English. Why would they, really. You were kinda dumb to expect them to. In any case, they interpret your innocuous gesture as an act of war and charge toward you! What do you do?!?!
If you want to turn around your Martian rover and drive away like the coward you are, turn to page 14.
If you want to use your ray gun to shoot a conveniently placed boulder that will fall down and crush all the Martians, watch this Flash file (Flash required).

Page 12
You rush in with your ray gun blazing! The Martians, terrified of your sudden attack, run away! You are victorious! You claim this planet in the name of the United States of America! This is an indisputably happy outcome! Years later, your wife leaves you and your children hate you because you are an insufferable asshole. This leads to years of drinking and eventual eviction from your beautiful house. You wander the streets for a while before finally succumbing to a premature death from a combination of cold, liver failure, hunger, and thirst. Wow, you almost thought you won there, didn’t you? You were pretty close, too! Oh well.
If you would like to play again and try for a less depressing ending, turn back to page 1. Don’t even think about turning back to the page from which you came! I know you’re cheating! Maybe if you didn’t cheat so much, you would do better at this game.
If you want to just give up, I won’t stop you. In fact, if that’s the kind of person you are, I don’t want you playing this game anymore. Get out. I’m serious. I don’t want to see your disgusting little face anymore.

Page 13

It doesn’t really matter what you wanted to do; the mad scientist sees you standing there and grabs you in his disgusting fist. “I’ll take care of you!” he says maniacally. Waves of fear assault you; you don’t know what kind of evil plan this man has in mind. He shoves you back in the Shrink/Unshrink Machine and closes the door. He pulls a lever and lights flash all around you. You feel like you’re being torn apart! Everything gradually subsides and he opens the door again. You realize that you are on eye level with him! He has unshrunk you! “There you go, son,” he says, and you realize that you were just acting in “Honey, I Shrunk the Kid.” THE END.
There are no options for you anymore. You won, what more do you want?

Page 14
You race back to the spaceship with the Martians in pursuit. Your astronaut friend is like, “What? What’s going on?” and you’re just like “Let’s take off c’mon no time to explain!” You both rush back into the pinball machine and lift off. As you see Mars disappearing beneath you, you realize that you don’t have enough fuel to make it back to Earth. Instead of dying of suffocation, you and your friend decide that you’ll just end it early, and you die in each other’s arms. Whoa. How’d that happen. Anyway you lost.
If you’d like to play again, I would recommend turning back to page 1.
If you don’t want to play again, I don’t know what to tell you. Because I cannot imagine someone not wanting to play this game again.

Page 15
That weapon works just about as well as it sounds. Or does it? Play this Flash game (Flash required) and see what score you get.
If you got better than 95, then hooray! You killed all the Martians. Turn to page 17.
If you got between 85 and 95, then not bad! You killed most of the Martians. Turn to page 18.
If you got less than 85, then you suck! Too bad. You killed like one Martian. Great job. Turn to page 19.

Page 16
“Oh, you are such a jerk,” mutters your friend the astronaut. However, since you’re the commander, he is required to do whatever you ask of him. He jumps in front of you and absorbs all of the destructive force sent toward you by the Martians, giving you time to get away. You feel no remorse for what you’ve done, because you a robot. OH MY GOD PLOT TWIST! This wasn’t a manned mission to Mars after all! It was just another one of those boring unmanned missions. Well, it’s a good thing that your lifelong dream has been to see things from the point of view of a robot in fiction. That’s right, Choose Your Own Pornventure has reached beyond the realm of fiction and is dictating your real life. Now go get me a sandwich! And less mayo this time! You live out the rest of your life as a slave to me, but you never master the art of how much mayo to put on sandwiches.
If you want to play again- no, since I’m controlling you, you do want to play again. Turn to page 1.
There is no way you don’t want to play again. Turn to page 1.

Page 17
Awesome! You killed all the Martians! You are victorious! You claim this planet in the name of the United States of America! I can’t believe you actually got a happy ending in this game! I thought somebody was editing those out. Anyway, enjoy it, because things don’t work out so well in real life!
If you want to play again (really there’s hardly any point because all the endings are worse than this one- oops sorry for the spoiler), turn back to page 1.
If you want to quit while you’re ahead, no one’s gonna blame you. Just leave this website and gallop off into the wild blue yonder.

Page 18
You killed most of the Martians, but there’s still a few left, and they are pissed. Luckily you at least confused them, so you have time to drive away in your Martian rover. You hide somewhere, and they are unable to find you. Unfortunately, they are able to find your spacecraft and destroy it. It seems you are marooned. What are you gonna do now? This is bad. I don’t see a way out of this. And neither do you. You lost.
To be honest, you could’ve played this game better. I would try again by turning back to page 1.
If you really don’t want to play again, can I recommend playing that Flash game again? You enjoyed that, and you were not that bad at it.

Page 19
It’s lucky for you that the one Martian you killed was the Queen. All the other Martians stop in their tracks and you have nothing to fear anymore. You’re the king of the planet! What are you going to do with all your new power?
If you want to go through the Martians’ wallets and see what you can find, watch this YouTube video.
If you want to go back to Earth, because there’s nothing to watch on TV on Mars, listen to the fifth podcast. Ooh, if you’re reading this before the fifth podcast comes out, I don’t know what to tell you. I guess you should either just stay in front of your computer waiting for it to come out, or go back to page 1 and follow a different track. Sorry about this. I probably could have planned this better.

Page 20
You go to the Galactic Police Force Supreme Court and plead your case. Though the judges are strict, your impeccable argument eventually wins them over. Unfortunately, as you are jubilantly leaving the courtroom, you realize that the cost of the gas to get here was more than the fine itself! D’oh! Also, they arrested you for murder of the Queen. Galactic Jail is less than fun.
If you want to pursue a less illegal path, turn back to page 1.
If you’re happy with how things ended up, then stay in jail for the rest of your life. It’s fine with me.

Page 21
Though it eats up your entire allowance, you grudgingly pay the fine. Nothing interesting happens for the rest of your life.
I bet something interesting will happen if you turn back to page 1 and do things differently.
On the other hand, maybe you’re really boring. In that case, just get on with the rest of your boring life.

Page 22
You get the brain-transmission technology operation. The first program that comes on is a “Choose Your Own Pornventure” show (they have become extremely popular in the intervening years). To watch it, turn to page 1.

Page 65
What? How did you get here? Nothing in this game tells you to go to page 65. You must be cheating or something. There’s nothing here anyway. Stop looking at me!

I Hate Bradford Howe

I hate Bradford Howe.


You know, Bradford Howe. That guy who hosts the ads before the previews start when you go to see a movie.

Oh, you mean this guy?

Bradford Howe

Yeah, that guy. Doesn’t he suck?

You know, I’ve never really thought about it before.

Well don’t think, just know. He sucks. A lot.


Oh, fine, now you want reasons. Maybe next you’ll want articles that don’t involve me pretending to talk to myself. Fine, here you go.

Reasons I Hate Bradford Howe

  1. How hard is it to wear a freakin’ tie?
  2. Where the hell is his set supposed to be? I mean seriously – it’s based on the logo of an advertising company! Is there anything that could possibly be less interesting than a set based on the logo of an advertising company nobody likes?
  3. Play some better commercials. If I have to see that “The Apple in Your Eye” or The Coca-Cola Refreshing Filmmaker Award crap again, someone’s legs are getting broken. I’m looking at Bradford Howe.
  4. He’s like Ryan Seacrest, but with even less talent (Is that even possible?) and without an endearing catchphrase.
  5. Actually, scratch that. “Seacrest out!” is about as unendearing as possible. And please, Bradford Howe, don’t start ending your segments with “Howe Out!” I don’t think I could handle it.
  6. What kind of name is Bradford Howe, anyway? Is Bradford even a first name?
  7. No time for a seventh reason – I’m too busy hating Bradford Howe.
  8. He’s Canadian. Or at least he used to be a VJ at Canadian fake-MTV MuchMusic. (ObscurePorn does not hate Canadians. Just Bradford Howe. -Ed.)
  9. It’s impossible to find information on him online for, say, writing a hate piece about him. One of the top Google results for his name was actually a girl’s Angelfire page saying “OMGOMGOMG I MET BRADFORD HOWE!!!!111!!!ONEISUCK!!!”.
  10. Did I mention he sucks?

I invite the entire ObscurePorn community to add their own reasons why they hate Bradford Howe in the comments. If #9 is any indication, this post will soon be one of the top Google results for Bradford Howe, so anyone searching for him will know the truth.

Point/Counterpoint: Harry Potter

The second half of this article was written by George. I can’t believe ObscurePorn doesn’t support multiple authors. Technical Editor, get on that! Yeah, I’m addressing you from inside an article! Maybe if we had multiple author support I wouldn’t be embarrassing you like this. OK just read the article.

I Love Harry Potter!
by Julie Tibler, age 11

Editor’s Note: This editorial takes place before Book 7. The person who wrote it doesn’t know what happens in Book 7. You should read it from a pre-Book 7 perspective. It’s like a time machine back to six days ago.

I love Harry Potter! He is the greatest. He is the coolest wizard ever. I wish I had powers like him. Harry Potter can do anything he wants, cause he is the Boy Who Lived. I think You-Know-Who doesn’t stand a chance against Harry Potter, cause Harry is way better. I have read every Harry Potter book at least five times cause they are the best books ever. My favorite is Harry Potter and the Half-Baked Plot- I mean Half-Blood Prince. Every other book ever written is not worth the time. Once Harry Potter is over, I’m never reading again. Nothing could be as good as Harry Potter. He is so cool! Don’t you wish you had a magic wand? I would use mine to Petrificus Totalus my little brother so he would leave me alone. But actually, I couldn’t do that cause I’m just a Muggle. I wish I was a wizard so I could go to Hogwarts and meet Harry. I want to take magic classes and go on adventures with Harry. Actually, he is six years older than me, so we wouldn’t be in the same class, but I would still see him. Maybe I would see Ron and Hermione too! But they’re not as cool as Harry. I would tell Proffessor [sic] Snape to leave Harry alone cause Harry is really good and Snape is just being mean. Ooh, I forgot that Snape killed Dumbledore. He probably doesn’t even teach there anymore. Is Dumbledore really dead? I don’t think so. I hope he’s not. Dumbledore is really nice to Harry and also a really good wizard. If he’s dead that would be bad.

Harry Potter is like my best friend. He is so much better than anyone I know. He would be nice to me, like he was to Ginny. He wouldn’t make fun of me because of my hunchback. I bet he would show me his Patronus if I asked him. I really want to meet Harry Potter. But I guess that can’t happen. I mean because he lives in England and that’s really far away. I wrote a million letters (oops, I’m not supposed to exaggerate. I meant 9,997 letters) to J.K. Rowling asking if I could meet him but they must’ve gotten lost in the mail cause she never wrote back. Oh well. At least I have a life-size cardboard cutout of him. In conclusion, the Harry Potter series is a masterfully written and vividly imagined literary tour de force that has enormous appeal for readers of all ages. I heartily recommend it.

Harry Potter is a Fucking Douche.
by Draco Malfoy, age… 17, I think

Editor’s Note: This editorial takes place after, but ignores the events of, Book 7. Who knows whether Draco is even alive right now (I do and I’m sure plenty of other people do, but if you haven’t read Book 7 yet you don’t. So pbbbblt [Editor’s Editor’s Note: that was the raspberry sound]!) But anyway, you should read this from a pre-Book 7 perspective. If you don’t, things might not be the same as they would otherwise. So you shouldn’t do that. Shouldn’t not read it from a pre-Book 7 perspective, I mean. Look just take this as I meant it and don’t misconstrue anything. If you do, it’s the fault of your shitty reading, not my shitty writing.

First of all, I have no idea what that idiot muggle girl is talking about with J.K. Rowling and “the Harry Potter books.” She oughta be put in the loony bin, if you ask me. Or a cage, so she doesn’t hurt herself. The world would be so much better if all the muggles were caged…

But back to the point: Harry Potter is a fucking douche. Widdle Potty, the Boy Who Needed a Better Attitude. Loved by teachers (except Snape, the only good teacher of the lot), followed around by that mudblood Granger and practically living with those blood traitor Weasleys (I’m amazed they can even afford to feed themselves, let alone him). He just happened to get lucky once or twice… or three times. Or six. He got lucky six times and now everyone is so dazzled by his scar that they don’t notice how much of a douche he is. Believe me, he’s a douche.

The first time I met him, 6 years ago, in Madam Malkin’s, I tried to be nice (this was before I found out what an attention-seeking, muggle-loving goody two shoes he was). Sure, he wasn’t as rich as I was, but his father did come from an old wizarding family and he was famous… look, I was young and didn’t know any better. I don’t have to explain myself to you. But as I was saying, I offered to be his friend and he turned me down! Me! HE, the little orphan with no friends, turned ME down. What a douche.

It’s okay, though. I got him back on the Hogwarts Express this year. He snuck into our compartment and tried to spy on us with his fancy little invisibility cloak, but I saw him anyway. I stunned him and broke his nose, the little spy-douche-sneak. I stomped on his nose just like-

What do you want, mom?!? I’m busy right now. And I told you, CALL ME DRACO YOU BITCH.
Don’t you talk to me like that, young man. Now get down here and walk the dog right this instant or…
Coming, mom!

Ugh, I have to go. But Harry Potter is still a douche.

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