I lol’ed at this.
Archive for the 'Humor' Category
Thank you for happening, this.
What is Big Nate thinking?
Shit! I’m turning 20 years old this week and I haven’t accomplished anything on my List of Things to Accomplish Before Turning 20 Years Old. (It’s like a Bucket List, except it’s just my youth that’s dying.) I had completely forgotten about this list until the other day when I was going through some of my records. It was a little hard to read because it’s so old, but I deciphered it and transcribed it for you:
- Ride in a hot air balloon – I regret to say that I have not yet done this.
- Take candy from a baby – Everyone says this is really easy, but I haven’t been able to pull it off yet. It’s hard to even find a baby with candy, you know? I mean, who gives candy to a baby and then just leaves them there unattended? And it’s not like babies can just buy candy on their own! At this point it would be easier to just obtain a baby for myself, give candy to it, and then immediately take it back.
- Turn 21 years old – Scientists tell me that this is still at least one year away. Yeah, tell that to my list, guys!
- Get rejected from Cornell University – OK, it’s like I was trying to fail at everything on this list.
- Go over the list and make sure I’ve done everything on it – At least I’m actively working on this one.
- Own a house – I am so behind on this one. I don’t even own a mouse!
- Own a mouse – Dammit!
- FREE SPACE – Oh, that was nice of me. So that’s one down.
- Fulfill my destiny – Whatever I’m doing right now, I was destined to do it. So actually I think I can cross this one off the list.
- Write an article for ObscurePorn.com – History will judge this one.
- Dress up as Spider-Man for Halloween – Yes! Done! Although, I’m pretty sure I made this list after October 31, 1996, so I don’t know why I would put something on there that I had already done. Maybe I wanted to do it again? In which case, no, I have not accomplished this.
- Kill a man – Uh, yeah, dang, another thing I, uh, haven’t accomplished. You’ll never find evidence of me doing this… which is because I haven’t done it.
- Climb the ten tallest mountains in the world – Let’s see, I’ve done Everest, K2, Kangchenjunga, Lhotse, Makalu, Cho Oyu, Dhaulagiri I, Manaslu, and Nanga Parbat… dammit, that’s only nine! Whatever, Annapurna I sucks anyway.
- Die – I’ll do that another day. I don’t feel too bad about leaving this one unfinished.
- Get it – What? I don’t get it. Oh- dammit!
- Bing and Decide – …it’s not worth it.
- Have more than 17 things on this list – I’m such a failure that I can’t even think of enough things for myself to fail at?!
Well, it’s safe to say I’m not the person I thought I was going to be when I made this list. Though to be honest, one week is not very much time to accomplish all these things. Wait – hold on a second – this isn’t my List of Things to Accomplish Before Turning 20 Years Old, it’s my grocery list! Here’s my LoTtABT2YO:
- One dozen eggs – Done.
- Stick of butter – Done.
- One watermelon – Done.
- Box of waffles – Done.
- Cheerios – Done.
- Leave a lasting impact on civilization – Shit!
ESPN commercial from a couple years ago.
Okay some of these people are a little too cised… still, might be worth watching
ok, i know what you’re thinking so i’m going to pre-emptively strike (i bleed red, white and blue) and tell you THIS POST DOES NOT HAVE ANY RELATION TO PORNOGRAPHY. if you were looking for porn i dont have any idea as to why you’d end up at this website. go along now, you’ve got a boner to maintain. anywho, this is my innagural post on obscureporn so lets get this party started!
assuming you can read, reader, you probably know what i’m going be talking about. i can see already this blog attracts a different breed of reader – this is some psychic shit right here. on to the topic: tralling for idiots. if you look at the internet as a vast sea (or a dumptruck), it is filled with millions of metaphorical fish (better known as idiots). the only difference between these fish and those in the real world is that catching these fish is like shooting fish in a barrel… if your gun was actually a shotgun that shot shotguns and rather than being in a barrel, the fish were cryogenically frozen and duct taped down to a plank of wood one foot in front of you. “that’s absurd!” you’re thinking, “a gun can’t shoot guns!” well you’re fucking wrong but i digress… let the hunt begin!
the other day (ok actually about three hours ago) i opened my web-browser (links obvi) and set sail into the internet (facebook, namely). search for any group with ‘facebook’ in the title, for example “We Will Not Pay To Use Facebook. We Are Gone If This Happens.” brilliant! notice every word is capitalized – you can tell these guys mean business. and what stronger a way to reaffirm this fact than stating, “we are gone if this happens” (excuse me, i just vomited in my mouth). i’ll leave the stylistic/grammatical corrections to the grammar team (once they get back from their recon mission in g – OH SHIT READER YOU ARE CRAFTY). you’d think that was enough, but we haven’t even looked into the group yet! a hop, skip and a click later and you’re there – the steaming pile of shit that feeds on the internet. “Apparently if Facebook gets sold then theres a major possibility that it will turn into a “Paysite” This is just stupid!” claims the description, authored by a concerned facebooker (abreviated fooker from hereon). paysite? what is this… porn? it continues, “Lets all stick together on this one and let them know that we will leave Facebook if they decide to charge us to use it.” so from my understanding this is simply a group full of frugal fooking (facebook-ing) WHORES. alright, they may not sell themselves and i do acknowledge that if you were desperate enough to be a whore being frugal would only be logical but they DO suck. a lot. not convinced? let me convince you. another fooker writes, “You should know that Facebook has already been bought and sold at least twice and it’s not a paysite. You really needn’t worry, their ad revenue makes them MILLIONS of dollars already.” oh, thank you blessed saviour. we don’t need to worry, facebook’s already been bought AND sold at least twice (fun challenge: try to buy something without it being sold! tough stuff!). this fooker seems to know his stuff! but wait… facebook has been neither sold nor purchased. in fact, i seem to remember many articles remarking on the controversy of zuckerberg’s decision NOT to sell facebook despite big money offers. intriguing. and millions of dollars in revenue, sure, but not in profit. in fact, i hear they just (barely) failed to break even. oh well, i’m sure Christopher Saunders knows his shit.
see how easy that was? and i only looked at ONE POST! if school’s got you down and you’re feeling worthless, worry not! you’re worth at least 1,000 of these blithering idiots!
dtcb out
ps: if you were planning on suggesting i look into myspace or youtube for idiots, last time i read comments on either of those sites i went into a stress induced seizure. also, what if this was actually part one in a multipart series and i was actually going to hit those sites next but since you decided to be uppity and tell me i should look at them so i decided to NEVER LOOK AT THEM to spite you? but wait… i left that one open ended didn’t i? and i bet you want an answer.
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