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Archive for the 'Humor' Category
Various businesses in Toronto whose names are puns. It’s pretty good. Some are better than others (link).
…Is forthcoming. After a day of wingin’ it, so to speak, the traditional surprisingly incisive yet impossibly humorous review shall be found on this site.
Potential WingFesters are asked to submit a three page written essay detailing how wings have acted as a force to effect change–social, political, and otherwise–in America, and what can be done to maximize their impact as a revolutionary force.
Or just, like…let me know prior to/during winter break. Give me a call or email or send me a fax or whatever. That would work too. Actually, scratch that thing about the essay, it’s a BS prompt and only a douche would want to read three pages about wings. Unless, you know, it’s a WingFest article.
Carl Justin and Jimmy Justice have been appointed the newest members of the Supreme Court. They really hate each other and they get in a big argument about which one of them is the fairer judge. It turns into a contest decided by the other members of the Supreme Court, and the eventual result is a tie. Carl is dejected so he goes to the Renaissance Faire, one of his favorite things to do. They have an event set up where you can joust a cardboard cutout of a jester that you can move up and down on the horse (to get it at the correct height where you can hit it). Carl does it and barely manages to knock the jester down. The media gets ahold of this whole story, and on the evening news that day, one of the anchors says:
This just in: Justice Justin is just as just as Justice Justice, and is just able to joust the adjustable jester.
Somewhere there’s a someone for everyone
Somewhere there’s a someone for me
Though I may be lonely now
I’ll see it through somehow
To someone’s heart I know I hold the key
–Dean Martin, “Somewhere There’s a Someone,” 1966
But was old Dean right in his assertion? The fact that he spoke in such certainties when mathematics and modern physics seem to tell us, in stereo, that the only certainty in the universe is the lack thereof is unnerving to me. His words beg the question: is there really a someone? Somewhere? For me?
Perhaps even in this very university? Continue reading ‘For the love of the Gaussian function: a lonely math major crunches the numbers’
Slowly fade in on a park bench. There’s a lot of hustle and bustle going behind and in front of it. As we get closer we see that a strange man is sitting on it. He is kind of just staring off into space in front of him, but his expression is getting more and more distressed. Just as he is about to explode, a kid and his mom walk past quickly and we follow them. It’s clear that we are in a zoo.
Kid- Mommy mommy I wanna see the bear!
Mom (clearly not paying attention)- Mm-hmm.
Kid- Mommy! Did you hear me? I wanna see the bear! (he is jumping up and down a little bit by this point)
Mom- well, I want an abortion, but we can’t always get what we want, can we? Actually, I- I really want to see the bear also. At least that one didn’t take me five years to figure out.
As they are walking, they pass by a cage with a monkey in it, who plunges a knife into the other monkey in the cage. In another cage, we see a cow who says “M-O-O.”
Kid- can I see the bear yet?!
Mom- we’re almost there, aright? And when we get there, could you try to tone it down a little? It’s kind of embarrassing.
They approach the bear section of the zoo. Unfortunately, it’s becoming clear that something is horribly wrong. There are police cars and cops all over the place.
Mom (to closest police officer)- Officer, what’s going on? Are- are we gonna get to see the bear?
Officer- Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to step away from the crime scene.
Mom- Crime? What crime? There’s no crime! I have a license for this child, I swear, I just left it-
Officer- No, it’s not that, it’s- well, take a look for yourself (he motions in a direction).
Mom- wait, didn’t you just say I had to step away?
Officer- Jesus Christ, fine! I was trying to do you a favor! I- I just thought maybe it would make you like me, and then we could like go out sometime? I dunno, it sounds stupid, but-
Mom (obviously a little unnerved)- uh, right, so I’m just gonna look over in this direction-
The crowd parts and a scene comes into view: a cage with the label “BEAR BEAR BEAR BEAR FLYING SQU-” and we can’t see the rest. But, there’s nothing in the cage! And one of the walls of the cage is violently torn open from the inside. Cut back to Mom.
Mom (very distressed)- Oh no… this situation is unbearable!
Kid (disgusted)- Sometimes, I can barely stand to be with you.
Officer- I bear witness to the fact that you both are fuckin’ retards.
Mom- look, I’m sick of bearing the brunt of your insults!
Officer- too bad, you’re just gonna have to grin and bear it.
Kid- Mom, you’re really doing the bare minimum as a parent here.
Mom- well, it’s hard! There are a lot of barriers for working moms!
Officer- yeah, but still! I mean, look at this kid’s clothes! They’re completely threadbare!
Mom- well, we’re kind of poor, OK? I had to make them with my bare hands!
Officer- but you’re not even providing the bare necessities.
Kid- yeah, I might as well be one of those old timey characters wearing a barrel!
Mom- look, I apologize, but if you’ll just bear with me, I’ll-
Kid- no! I wish you were dead and buried!
Officer (to Kid)- well you know, you would have to be a pallbearer in that situation.
Mom (to Kid)- how can you say that?! You make it sound like I’m some nasty old barracuda!
Officer- well you know what they say: it takes one to know a bear! (They all stare at him.) …What?
At this point the strange man from the beginning walks by and stares in shock at the mangled cage. After a few seconds, he starts to walk away and we follow him. It seems as though he is walking faster but then it becomes clear that the film is just speeding up. We follow him as he exits the zoo, walks a few blocks, enters an apartment building, walks up three flights of stairs, and enters his apartment. He does some stuff that we can’t really see cause the film is so fast, and eventually goes to sleep. We watch him sleep and then wake up in the morning and go into his kitchen to eat breakfast. By the end, the film is going really fast, but as he goes into the kitchen it suddenly goes back to normal. He has two roommates that are also eating breakfast. He sits down at the table and picks up the newspaper. On the front is a big headline: “The Bear Escapes From the Zoo.” He leafs through the paper for a little while, then shakes his head. Throughout this scene, the headline is visible in the bottom half of the screen.
Man- I can’t believe what happened with that bear!
Roommate #1- I know, pretty crazy.
A medium-length pause.
Man (forcefully)- Guys, I think we should find that bear.
Roommate #2- …What?
Man- Yeah! I really think we should do it!
Roommate #1- Why, is there a reward or something?
Man- No, I just think we should do it!
Roommate #1 (glances at Roommate #2)- Uh, I don’t know about that. It sounds like a lot of effort.
The man looks down at his paper again. Short pause.
Roommate #2 (to Roommate #1)- Hey, did you finish painting that corpse?
Roommate #1 (lifts an arm out from under the table)- Yeah, almost, I just have to do the arms-
Man (slamming his fist down on the table)- Guys, we have to find that bear!
Roommate #1- Wha- dude, you’re like obsessed with that bear!
Man- What are you talking about?
Roommate #1- I’m just saying, you keep bringing it up!
Man- Well yeah, cause, I mean… (Pause)
Roommate #2- …What? What is it?
Remember we still see the headline in the bottom of the screen.
Man (hesitantly at first)- Well, cause… (now forcefully) Because (as he says these last four words they appear in the air above the headline) THIS BEAR IS AWESOME!
Animated titles. Something cool involving a bear, I don’t know. At the end, we pull away to show that it was playing on a projector screen. The man is standing next to the screen pointing at it with a pointer.
Man- And if that extensively researched Powerpoint presentation doesn’t convince you, nothing will.
Cut to the two roommates sitting in chairs looking dubious.
Roommate #2- …Really? You thought Powerpoint was the best way to convince us?
Roommate #1- You could’ve at least had some wacky transitions or something.
Man- OK FINE NOTHING WILL. I’ll just go find the bear myself.
Roommate #1 (pointing)- He’s right there.
Man (whirling around)- Aah! (He realizes what’s happened.) No, that’s the Powerpoint I just showed you! That’s just a picture of a bear.
Roommate #1- I wasn’t talking about that, I was talking about the bear that’s right there! (pointing again)
Man (jumps)- Aah! Oh my god, it’s him! That’s the bear! Right outside on the fire escape! (we don’t actually see it; we’re still looking at the man.) Get him!
He charges toward the window but doesn’t open it so he just bonks into it and falls down.
Man- Dammit! He got away! What was he doing here anyway though? Suspicious… damned suspicious… almost too suspicious… (we zoom in on his worried face as dramatic music plays and the screen fades to black.)
END OF ACT I (of several)
Note: As of today’s column, my schedule has changed to Friday updates instead of Thursday updates. Adjust your eager anticipation times accordingly.
Today I’d like to engage in a serious philosophical discussion of what a humor article is. To quote S?ren Kierkegaard, “Bevidstheden modsætter sig den befriende Guds Virksomhed,” roughly translated as, “A humor article is an article that contains humor; writing one is the highest calling of mankind.” Wow, Danish must be a really concise language. In this quote, we can see Kierkegaard’s trademark rejection of anything other than seemingly obvious definitions, along with his penchant for speaking the truth at all times. Nietzsche, on the other hand, had this to say: “Hier genoss er seines Geistes und seiner Einsamkeit und wurde dessen zehn Jahr nicht müde,” or “My moustache is really big and funny-looking, why don’t you write an article about that.” Typical. All he can think about is the surface of things. As a side note, what I translated as “big” was actually a slightly more nuanced word; Nietzsche did not want to just use the word meaning “big,” “einsengutenschlageroffenkopfmeinschtengelüffersteinkatz,” because it wasn’t long enough. Anyway, I’m not going to stoop to Nietzsche’s level and write about mustaches, as he would want, because we have more important things to discuss, namely: why is this article here?
Throughout history, terrible introductions have started with phrases like “throughout history.” Civilizations have consistently struggled with the question of how to introduce a paper without sounding like a twelve-year-old, and not only with this question, but with an even deeper one: Why do people exist? What are we doing on Earth? Who put us here? How can I stop this saber-toothed tiger from eating me? Perhaps that was more than one question. But that doesn’t change the fact that the same questions apply to humor articles. Why do they exist? What are they doing on the Internet? Who wrote them? How can they stop this saber-toothed tiger from eating them? These are not questions with easy answers. In fact, these are not questions with answers at all. I mean, I sat here for a while (for the purposes of this article, one while equals half an hour (minus twenty-nine minutes) ) and I still had no idea. But that’s OK, because these are pretty stupid questions. More important is what’s in the next paragraph. Why don’tcha take a look down there.
What I really want to know is: does a humor article have to consist of a bunch of jokes tied loosely together by a theme? Or can it only have a few jokes, yet derive humor through parody, spoof, satire, lampoon, caricature, or other means? Market research suggests that people like to laugh as frequently as possible, but what is market research doing in a philosophical discussion? Questions, questions, questions. Do philosophers ever actually figure anything out? Is there ever an answer? C’mon guys, you’ve been working at this for like thousands of years now, you’d think you’d have something to show for it. In what other job are you allowed to produce no results for your entire career and still be considered a genius? By the way, are these jokes doing it for you guys? Would you like funnier ones? That’s too bad, because as a philosopher, I’m not required to do… anything at all, actually. Perhaps you were wondering why I had no article last week; turns out it was because I was busy philosophizing (read: sleeping). Well, also I was getting attacked by clown columnists (again), but that’s another story (literally).
So, to sum up, terrible conclusions often start with phrases like “to sum up.” In addition, terrible transitions often uses phrases like “in addition.” But what I can say for certain is thatI haven’t answered any of the questions that I posed, and yet I still feel like I’ve made some progress (in number of words, anyway). And in the end, isn’t that all for which we can ask? The answer to this question, of course, is no, but since it was rhetorical, there was no need for you to know that.
To celebrate my record-breaking 10th article last week, I will be releasing a series of Klassic Kolumns with never-before-seen writeage, behind-the-scenes info, and a modern take on the subject matter. Consider it director’s commentary, except you don’t have to buy the DVD to get it (however, there will be a Special Edition 2-Disc DVD on sale in the Obscure Adult Video Store with even more crap on it. We’re talking easter eggs, menus, the whole nine gigabytes.) Anyway, here is a second look at “First Look: the iTaco”:
TRUE FACT: This was my first article for ObscurePorn.com! It took some amount of time to write!
As part of its continuing quest to put lowercase i’s in front of everything, Apple has released the new iTaco. [Context: Apple had just released the iPhone. That would make this a parody.] I don’t normally write about technology (actually, so far 100% of the columns I have written have been about technology [get it? this was my first article]), but this is such an earth-shaking event that I am forced to report on it. The iTaco has been marketed as a revolutionary combination of great taste, great ingredients, Internet connectivity, multimedia play, and a shockingly intuitive interface. Does it live up to the hype? Don’t ask me- I didn’t waste my time waiting in line for 14 hours to get one! Uh, I mean, I am a highly qualified reviewer who definitely owns an iTaco. Several times. I actually created the iTaco. [you may be wondering why I choose to write about the iTaco as opposed to any other edible substance, or even something inedible, for that matter. The answer? I think the word "taco" is like the funniest word ever made!] Anyway, don’t consider this a review per se; instead, just take these opinions and use them as your own. [Full Disclosure: I actually don't get this joke, despite writing it!]
Let’s take a quick look at the features of the iTaco. The iTaco breaks away from the usual constraints of tacos, featuring touch-shell technology, which allows users to operate it with one finger. No longer will an entire hand be occupied during the process of taco-eating. Apple’s revolutionary new technology suspends the iTaco in an anti-gravity field in front of the user’s mouth, and it can then be rotated with the wave of a finger. [Now, a few months after this article was originally written, scientists have actually come closer than ever to achieving an anti-gravity field. We may be looking at a Christmas 2008 release date for the iTaco!] This interface worked incredibly well for the most part; the only problem I found is that all of the contents of the iTaco fall out onto the table when it is rotated upside down (an embarrassingly common occurrence). [Were you wondering why there were so few jokes in this paragraph? So was I! My flimsy justification is that this was a more "subtle" kind of "humor." So if you didn't get it, well then you're just not smart enough!]
The main function of the iTaco- to eat a taco- was at least adequate. Like almost all of Apple’s products (at least in my experience), the iTaco looked better than it tasted. (For the trivia-loving among you, the one product that didn’t follow this paradigm was the original iPod Shuffle- definitely not the second generation one.) [There will be a Trivial Pursuit: Obscure Porn edition on the shelves pretty soon, so this is actually a pretty valuable piece of information to know.] There’s not too much I can say about the taco part of the iTaco: I’ve eaten better tacos but I’ve certainly eaten worse Apple products.
The Internet browser on the iTaco worked pretty well; unfortunately, since the iTaco doesn’t have a screen, it instead employs a speaker that reads aloud the content of websites. I am especially impressed with the software that describes images you find as you browse the web. For example, the iTaco described this image as “um, it’s this kind of like, silver thing, in the shape of I think an apple? But somebody took a bite out of it, and the stem’s not really attached. I don’t know, that seems kind of weird. Is this thing on? He- hello? Where am I?” [If you've heard the Podcast, you know that this is actually how I talk. Seems kind of weird that a commercial product would sound just like me, doesn't it? Well, I'll let you in on a secret: I was part of the development team for the iTaco. Yes I know, conflict of interest and all that, but it was worth it for the swag.]
The one other feature of the iTaco that I want to highlight is the presence of built-in applications such as Google Maps, which shows the locations of iTaco stores near you in case you want to buy another one; YouTube, to which the iTaco is continuously posting videos of you using it; and Stocks, which shows Apple’s stock plummeting (well, that was my experience, anyway). [Little known fact: I actually did research to find out what applications came with the iPhone in order to write this paragraph! There were a lot that didn't get spoofed here. Here are some of the deleted jokes: "...built-in applications such as Weather, which allows the user to control the weather around them using a patent-pending technology from Apple; Clock, which tells the time but does it SO AWESOMELY; and Calculator, to see how much of your net worth you wasted on the iTaco." Hm. Perhaps there was a reason these were deleted.]
Some of the lesser known features of the iTaco are its uses as a personal space vehicle and teleportation device. Some users have also reported the manifestation of god-like powers gained through purchase of the $750 special edition iTaco. [Apparently, this price estimate was a tad on the low side. The special edition iTaco actually requires you to go through a seven-year period of indentured servitude in one of the colonies.]
Usability: B-
Look and Feel: 92%
Size: Excellent
Price: 4 stars
Goodness: 4.6
Likes: Long walks on the beach
Overall: So how do you make an [pay attention] eye talk? Oh [stop paying attention. Did you get it? This was an extremely obscure joke. If you didn't get it the first time, I wouldn't be surprised. If you still don't get it, read those three words out loud. Then think about the title of the article. No, not "Klassic Kolumns #01," the original title. What sounds the same? It's tough I know. This was kind of a long way to go just for a ridiculous pun.], I see. You have to blink in Morse Co- oh whoops, that was for my other column at howtomakebodypartstalk.com [I considered registering this domain, but decided it wasn't worth the effort. But I don't know, would you guys like to read articles on this topic? If there's a sizable audience out there, I wouldn't be against writing a few things for a site like that.]. Where was I? Oh yeah, summing up. In conclusion, the iTaco really sucks and you should consider buying the iPhone instead. [Comedy Tip: this is a technique called "invalidating the concept of your entire article." Use it sparingly.]
The iTaco comes in your choice of beef, chicken, or vegetarian, and costs $500 for one taco ($600 if you want toppings). Each one you eat costs you an additional $500.
AP- Reports of shocking neighbor-against-neighbor violence have recently surfaced in a small 16×30 grid on your computer monitor. Under the euphemism “sweeping mines,” savage gangs of numbers have been assaulting, maiming, and in a few cases even killing those squares marked as mines. It seems that once a certain square has been “flagged,” it is set upon by the extremely violent numbers surrounding it.
“That flag means it’s undesirable,” said a 2 earlier today. “Once the cursor marks him and leaves, we can do whatever we need to do to deal with the situation.” Apparently, this includes murdering in cold blood.
Defending themselves against accusations of brutality and murder, a group of numbers spoke out today. “Those mines are threatening our families! If we don’t uncover them and take care of them, they could destroy our entire way of life. The world as we know it could come to an end if those mines are left unchecked. Have you ever seen an 8? They’re terrified! It’s not fair to ask an innocent number to live under these conditions.”
Another complaint voiced by the numbers was that the mines almost always live under cover, undetected by the surrounding community. “When I think that my little 1’s are living right next to these horrible creatures without even knowing it, well, it- it keeps me up at night!” said a 5. “What responsible parent wouldn’t feel this way?”
The mines themselves take a different view. “Look, we can’t help it!” said one, speaking under the condition of anonymity. “We were born this way! It’s not our fault if we’re different from you! How can you possibly justify such inhuman actions?” How indeed? “I hate to say it, but inhuman actions are justified against things that aren’t human,” said a 4. “Those mines are basically subhuman. The only way I would tolerate their existence is if they were placed in special camps where we wouldn’t have to come into contact with them.”
When reached for comment, the cursor professed ignorance of the situation. “I did not know this was going on. But, I mean, even if I did, what could I do to stop it? I’m just one cursor… I don’t have the resources necessary to do anything about it. Plus, it’s not really that big a deal, right?”
What about the cases where a square has been mistakenly identified as a mine? “Horrible as it sounds, and while it is regrettable, certain sacrifices need to be made for the sake of safety, “ said a spokesnumber for Numbers Against Mines, a prominent number-advocacy group. “Actually, I wouldn’t be against a law that would allow the government to look at each square’s personal information to find out if they’re a mine,” he continued.
And what of the rare “question mark” cases, where a square is labeled with a question mark? “Well, we won’t kill him, but we might rough him up or take his money,” said a gang leader. “Can’t be too careful.”
Will this conflict ever come to a peaceful resolution? Only time will tell. Right now time seems to be telling that this will not end peacefully. There is even the possibility of uprisings. “Us mines, we’re basically afraid for our lives right now. But if enough of us get angry enough, who knows what might happen. We might just decide to overpower our oppressors and take back what is ours! Dammit, the time is now! Chaaaaaaaaaarge!”
Further bulletins as events warrant. Well, I guess events do warrant some further bulletins right now. But I don’t care, I’m not staying embedded in this warzone! I might get like beheaded or something! Get your news somewhere else, please.
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