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Thank you for happening, this.
http://www.hulu.com/watch/108271/movie-trailers-clash-of-the-titans
What is Big Nate thinking?
Shit! I’m turning 20 years old this week and I haven’t accomplished anything on my List of Things to Accomplish Before Turning 20 Years Old. (It’s like a Bucket List, except it’s just my youth that’s dying.) I had completely forgotten about this list until the other day when I was going through some of my records. It was a little hard to read because it’s so old, but I deciphered it and transcribed it for you:
- Ride in a hot air balloon – I regret to say that I have not yet done this.
- Take candy from a baby – Everyone says this is really easy, but I haven’t been able to pull it off yet. It’s hard to even find a baby with candy, you know? I mean, who gives candy to a baby and then just leaves them there unattended? And it’s not like babies can just buy candy on their own! At this point it would be easier to just obtain a baby for myself, give candy to it, and then immediately take it back.
- Turn 21 years old – Scientists tell me that this is still at least one year away. Yeah, tell that to my list, guys!
- Get rejected from Cornell University – OK, it’s like I was trying to fail at everything on this list.
- Go over the list and make sure I’ve done everything on it – At least I’m actively working on this one.
- Own a house – I am so behind on this one. I don’t even own a mouse!
- Own a mouse – Dammit!
- FREE SPACE – Oh, that was nice of me. So that’s one down.
- Fulfill my destiny – Whatever I’m doing right now, I was destined to do it. So actually I think I can cross this one off the list.
- Write an article for ObscurePorn.com – History will judge this one.
- Dress up as Spider-Man for Halloween – Yes! Done! Although, I’m pretty sure I made this list after October 31, 1996, so I don’t know why I would put something on there that I had already done. Maybe I wanted to do it again? In which case, no, I have not accomplished this.
- Kill a man – Uh, yeah, dang, another thing I, uh, haven’t accomplished. You’ll never find evidence of me doing this… which is because I haven’t done it.
- Climb the ten tallest mountains in the world – Let’s see, I’ve done Everest, K2, Kangchenjunga, Lhotse, Makalu, Cho Oyu, Dhaulagiri I, Manaslu, and Nanga Parbat… dammit, that’s only nine! Whatever, Annapurna I sucks anyway.
- Die – I’ll do that another day. I don’t feel too bad about leaving this one unfinished.
- Get it – What? I don’t get it. Oh- dammit!
- Bing and Decide – …it’s not worth it.
- Have more than 17 things on this list – I’m such a failure that I can’t even think of enough things for myself to fail at?!
Well, it’s safe to say I’m not the person I thought I was going to be when I made this list. Though to be honest, one week is not very much time to accomplish all these things. Wait – hold on a second – this isn’t my List of Things to Accomplish Before Turning 20 Years Old, it’s my grocery list! Here’s my LoTtABT2YO:
- One dozen eggs – Done.
- Stick of butter – Done.
- One watermelon – Done.
- Box of waffles – Done.
- Cheerios – Done.
- Leave a lasting impact on civilization – Shit!
As you probably haven’t heard, the H1N1 strand of influenza, or “swine flu”, is the latest craze sweeping the nation. This deadly disease can kill you, ending your life and causing you to become dead, at which point you will stop living. If you are reading this, you probably already have swine flu, but in case you have been lucky enough to avoid H1N1 so far, here are some tips to help you stay healthy.
- Swine flu has the same symptoms as regular influenza. These symptoms include coughing, sore throat, headache, fever, and tiredness. If you are experiencing these symptoms, you probably just have the regular flu, so it’s nothing to worry about.
- If you feel sick, make sure you go to class or work like usual. Staying home will just cause you to be cooped up in a confined space, where you’re likely to spread the disease to all your roommates. Also, by staying home, you’ll only be contributing to a nationwide panic. We have to return to a sense of normalcy as quickly as possible, for the sake of the economy.
- Make sure you touch your face a lot. Your face is the primary place on your body where germs can build. Left untouched, you could accumulate enough swine flu germs from others to cause you to become sick. Touching your face as much as possible is the easiest way to combat this illness.
- Shake hands with everybody. If there are 50 people in a room, and all of them have swine flu, and each one of them shakes hands with each other one, but there are no repeat handshakes, how many total handshakes will there be before everyone has died?
- Don’t wash your hands. By now, the water supply has likely been contaminated with the H1N1 virus. Washing your hands will only kill you faster.
- Don’t use your hands to cover your coughs or sneezes. Using your hands to cover coughs or sneezes is likely to facilitate the spread of germs. Instead, you should cover your mouth with other people’s hands.
- Don’t visit obscureporn.com. That website has sooooooooooooooo many viruses.
Just remember these few tips, and you may survive long enough to see swine flu victims start to become reanimated. Then you’re really fucked.
Attentive readers may have noticed the appearance of a new Twitter sidebar on this otherwise flawless website. We’re having management look into it; hopefully it’s not indicative of a larger problem with our servers. We’ll get back to you as soon as more information becomes available.
It’s not all bad news today, though. I am proud to announce the debut of the official Obscure Porn Twitter! You can subscribe at www.twitter.com/obscureporn. It will be your up-to-the-minute source for all news obscure and pornographic, and possibly neither. Our correspondents are working around the clock to provide you with the latest coverage of them working around the clock. You don’t want to miss this. Starring Brad Pitt and Kate Hudson, with Eric Hysen as the gnome who sells them weed.
Hello again, Obscure Voyeurs:
I’m sure you’re all aware of the rumors that, due to our massive amounts of accidental traffic, XXXBoneage.com has made an offer for our website. While we have always prided ourselves on being a pinnacle of journalistic integrity, sometimes you need to know when to give up and accept a massive buyout. Because it really is massive. We’re talking government bailout massive. We’ll be swimming in money while you, our dedicated fanbase, is left out in the cold.
You may be thinking to yourself, “No! What will I do without the comedic stylings of such geniuses as Ben Strauss? Where can I find more of the enigmatic dtcb?” Luckily for you, as part of our buyout, we have also sold Strauss and dtcb to XXXBoneage.com. You’ll still be able to find a new feature from each of them every Wednesday night.
It’s been a wonderful ride, and I wish you all luck in the future.
-George out
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