Attentive readers may have noticed the appearance of a new Twitter sidebar on this otherwise flawless website. We’re having management look into it; hopefully it’s not indicative of a larger problem with our servers. We’ll get back to you as soon as more information becomes available.
It’s not all bad news today, though. I am proud to announce the debut of the official Obscure Porn Twitter! You can subscribe at www.twitter.com/obscureporn. It will be your up-to-the-minute source for all news obscure and pornographic, and possibly neither. Our correspondents are working around the clock to provide you with the latest coverage of them working around the clock. You don’t want to miss this. Starring Brad Pitt and Kate Hudson, with Eric Hysen as the gnome who sells them weed.
Hello again, Obscure Voyeurs:
I’m sure you’re all aware of the rumors that, due to our massive amounts of accidental traffic, XXXBoneage.com has made an offer for our website. While we have always prided ourselves on being a pinnacle of journalistic integrity, sometimes you need to know when to give up and accept a massive buyout. Because it really is massive. We’re talking government bailout massive. We’ll be swimming in money while you, our dedicated fanbase, is left out in the cold.
You may be thinking to yourself, “No! What will I do without the comedic stylings of such geniuses as Ben Strauss? Where can I find more of the enigmatic dtcb?” Luckily for you, as part of our buyout, we have also sold Strauss and dtcb to XXXBoneage.com. You’ll still be able to find a new feature from each of them every Wednesday night.
It’s been a wonderful ride, and I wish you all luck in the future.
Vince █████ is a 90-year old bear who lives in a cave near MIT. I would trust him with my, and several freshmen’s, lives. Just as long as they’re not coated in honey. However, if they are coated in honey, could you please send them over to my place instead? My honeyjar is already about half-empty. But anyway, back to Vince, the great thing about him is that he would probably say that my honeyjar is half-full of delicious honey for him to eat. Admittedly, he does talk about honey a little too much, but that’s only in this recommendation. Yeah, he’s writing this- I mean, I’m writing this, but we’re essentially the same person. This is why I would trust him not only to guard my life, but also to live it. In conclusion, it’s hard to overstate the importance of hiring Vince for this position. OK, it’s not that hard, I mean I could just say something like “not hiring Vince is the leading cause of death in the Northeast.” That sounds like hyperbole, and it is, but what isn’t hyperbole is that Vince is the leading cause of honey-related injuries in this letter. And if that doesn’t qualify him to lead an expedition up Mt. Dew, then I don’t know what does. Well, maybe some mountain-climbing expertise would help. But I’m pretty sure he’s got that too- what bear doesn’t?