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Category: News & Politics

All The News That's Fit To Post

AP- Reports of shocking neighbor-against-neighbor violence have recently surfaced in a small 16×30 grid on your computer monitor. Under the euphemism “sweeping mines,” savage gangs of numbers have been assaulting, maiming, and in a few cases even killing those squares marked as mines. It seems that once a certain square has been “flagged,” it is set upon by the extremely violent numbers surrounding it.

“That flag means it’s undesirable,” said a 2 earlier today. “Once the cursor marks him and leaves, we can do whatever we need to do to deal with the situation.” Apparently, this includes murdering in cold blood.

Defending themselves against accusations of brutality and murder, a group of numbers spoke out today. “Those mines are threatening our families! If we don’t uncover them and take care of them, they could destroy our entire way of life. The world as we know it could come to an end if those mines are left unchecked. Have you ever seen an 8? They’re terrified! It’s not fair to ask an innocent number to live under these conditions.”

Another complaint voiced by the numbers was that the mines almost always live under cover, undetected by the surrounding community. “When I think that my little 1’s are living right next to these horrible creatures without even knowing it, well, it- it keeps me up at night!” said a 5. “What responsible parent wouldn’t feel this way?”

The mines themselves take a different view. “Look, we can’t help it!” said one, speaking under the condition of anonymity. “We were born this way! It’s not our fault if we’re different from you! How can you possibly justify such inhuman actions?” How indeed? “I hate to say it, but inhuman actions are justified against things that aren’t human,” said a 4. “Those mines are basically subhuman. The only way I would tolerate their existence is if they were placed in special camps where we wouldn’t have to come into contact with them.”

When reached for comment, the cursor professed ignorance of the situation. “I did not know this was going on. But, I mean, even if I did, what could I do to stop it? I’m just one cursor… I don’t have the resources necessary to do anything about it. Plus, it’s not really that big a deal, right?”

What about the cases where a square has been mistakenly identified as a mine? “Horrible as it sounds, and while it is regrettable, certain sacrifices need to be made for the sake of safety, “ said a spokesnumber for Numbers Against Mines, a prominent number-advocacy group. “Actually, I wouldn’t be against a law that would allow the government to look at each square’s personal information to find out if they’re a mine,” he continued.

And what of the rare “question mark” cases, where a square is labeled with a question mark? “Well, we won’t kill him, but we might rough him up or take his money,” said a gang leader. “Can’t be too careful.”

Will this conflict ever come to a peaceful resolution? Only time will tell. Right now time seems to be telling that this will not end peacefully. There is even the possibility of uprisings. “Us mines, we’re basically afraid for our lives right now. But if enough of us get angry enough, who knows what might happen. We might just decide to overpower our oppressors and take back what is ours! Dammit, the time is now! Chaaaaaaaaaarge!”

Further bulletins as events warrant. Well, I guess events do warrant some further bulletins right now. But I don’t care, I’m not staying embedded in this warzone! I might get like beheaded or something! Get your news somewhere else, please.

nomadic toothbrushing

a short explanation of nomadic style of dental hygiene. It is a commonly used practice among people living in populated, community spaces, i.e. nuns, college students, military low ranks, mormons, etc.

it goes as such:

1. a person starts brushing ones teeth at a sink, then leaves the sink.

2. the person goes about their business, doing things the are capable of doing with one hand, i.e. converting heathens, masturbation, doing push ups, proposing marriage, etc.

3. when the person believes their brushing scenario to be complete, they return to ANY SINK, not necessarily the one of origin.

unknowing people watching this dance between man and sink have a hard time coping with the shock, and scientists believe this to be the next step in the evolutionary chain.

Someone's Compensating for Something

I love stories like this one. No, not because I’m a fan of anonymous gay bathroom sex, you sick freak. But because this story, about Idaho Senator Larry Craig, and similar ones, featuring this guy and this guy, are finally revealing that a common sense rule of thumb applies to American politics – the guy with the biggest car, biggest house, and, well, biggest everything, is probably compensating for something.

In this case, it takes the form of family values. Why is it that the latest three Congressional sex scandals have involved not just Republicans, whose party declares family values as one of its main issues, but the select Republicans who made family values their main issues. According to Wikipedia, “In the House, [Mark] Foley was one of the foremost opponents of child pornography.” He then proceeded to solicit cyber-sex with teenage Congressional pages. Next up, David “Vitter believes strongly that marriage is a sacred vow between a man and a woman. In 2003, Vitter proposed to amend the U.S. Constitution to ban same sex marriages.” Turns out the real threat to his marriage was a prostitute.

Finally, we come to my favorite, good old Larry Craig. Wikipedia says “Craig supported the Federal Marriage Amendment, which barred extention of rights to same-sex couples; he voted for cloture on the amendment in both 2004 and 2006. Craig voted against cloture on a in 2002 which would have extended the federal definition of hate crimes to cover sexual orientation.” Take a minute to let that soak in. First, he supported denying basic marriage rights to gays. Alright, fairly standard of many Republicans. But beyond that, he voted against labeling crimes against gays as hate crimes. Now for the kicker – he’s been dealing with allegations of being gay (and seeking sex with Congressional pages and random passerby) for over 25 years!

Now I stress that these are just allegations. Everyone, including (alleged) scumbags like these, has a right to due process. And I’m not saying that Democrat’s can’t be scum either. But these guys are just dumb. I’ll leave Foley and Vitter out of it for now, but let’s take a closer look at Larry Craig.

The man was arrested by an undercover police officer on June 11th. He didn’t plead guilty until August 8th. AUGUST EIGHTH! TWO FREAKING MONTHS! So once the guilty plea made the news this week, what was his response? I quote, “I chose to plead guilty to a lesser charge in the hope of making it go away. I did not seek any counsel, either from an attorney, staff, friends, or family. That was a mistake, and I deeply regret it.”

You’re a UNITED STATES SENATOR – one of the most powerful men in the country. You have been a crusader against gay rights for years, while simultaneously dealing with allegations of improper homosexual conduct. So after being arrested for allegations of improper homosexual conduct, with two months to think about what you’re going to do, you think that this type of thing will just “go away?” And you think that pleading guilty will make it go away faster?

For the sake of argument, let’s assume this guy is 100% innocent and did make a mistake by pleading guilty. Even if that’s the case, Senator Craig has given the voters of Idaho a crystal-clear reason not to send him back to Washington if he chooses to seek reelection in 2008 – HE’S A MORON.

Or maybe Idahoans will reelect Craig, to keep this (alleged) twisted hypocrite hundreds of miles away in Washington, and the hell out of their state.

LIVEBLOG: The Ben-cident

Dateline: August 3rd, 2007. ~2200hrs.

Messr. Georgeford issues bennifer an order.

“Sir Ben,” says he, “Consider it your bounden duty to safeguard this glass. guard it with your life, soldier. i believe in you.”

“I shall guard and/or safe it with my life,” the resilient private confirmed. he had accepted his post with courage of monumental proportions.

Ben continued to put the glass to his mouth.

“Sir! you err!” his noble friends cried, knowing this would go poorly.

Acting foolishly, Eric asked ben to “eat it.” if only he knew what events were to come.

We all looked away. we laughed, we sang, we cried.


a drop of blood.

the tinkle of glass.

cries of profanity and confusion.

“prithee, BEN! what has occurred<interrobang>” said the greatest of those present, one Sir Shaagnik, an enormous example of magnanimous majesty.

but we all knew.

ben had bitten the glass, shattering it, along with any respect his colleagues felt for him.


as he continued to bleed for several minutes, one among he gentlemen pondered searching for “oral cut,” but they realized that would be unwelcome.

good night.

Update 10:34 PM: The bleeding continues, flow decreased. Further options considered.

Update 10:37 PM: Diego reports the bleeding has stopped. Visual confirmation required.

Update 10:39 PM: Exclusive quote from Ben: “You guys are such assholes, I swear. I’m watching you type this.”

EXCLUSIVE Update 10:46 PM: Ben says it’s still bleeding. Hardly bleeding. Could this spell a new turn in the Ben-cident saga? Time will tell…

Writing: Shagtaw, Photos: David

A Pun for Every President

Well, obscure voyeurs, President’s Day is just around the corner (We kind of… lost this article… for a few months. -Ed). That’s right, the first President’s Day of the new millenium! (Okay, a few years. -Ed) In order to get you ready for this upcoming third Monday of February of the year 1000 (Okay… a few centuries. -Ed), we here at Obscure Porn have a special surprise that’s sure to put you in the President’s Day spirit. That’s right, we’ve decided to make each and every one of you the democratically elected leader of your own island nation!
Ok really I’m just going to make a pun (or rhyme or whatever) about each and every president, in order. So without further ado, here goes:

  1. In an effort to stop its growing pollution problem, officials in Ithaca have announced plans for a ravine-cleaning party focused on restoring the beauty of the area’s touted ravines. According to flyers, it’ll be gorge-washing fun!
  2. Outhouse-tipping, the new prank of choice for vandals in rural areas, is a growing problem for the more upstanding members of society. Said farmer Billy Bob, “If’n they come ’round here I’ll give ’em a taste’a their own medicine. I’ll throw the john at ’em!”
  3. A Viking bull, nicknamed Tom, has finally come to terms with the fact that he doesn’t have a father, opting to go by the name Thomas Heifersson.
  4. The Federalist Papers, bane of the existence of government students everywhere, are the brainchild of our nation’s fourth president. One might even call them his… MadiSon(s).
  5. Max was enjoying his Jamaican vacation immensely, sipping tropical drinks at a bar on the beach. All of a sudden, a wave collected his belongings and started pulling them out to sea. The bartender, thinking quickly, got out his canoe and handed Max an oar, crying, “What’re ya waiting for, mon? Row!”
  6. Having failed in his previous attempt to deter the outhouse vandals, Farmer Billy Bob went back to the drawing board and came up with an even better plan. “I’ll throw the john quincy at ’em,” he said with a smirk before continuing, “I aint sure what a quincy is, but I’ll throw it at ’em.”
  7. The orphanage was so poor that they couldn’t afford for materials to play games. While luckier kids were able to play by bouncing a ball and then picking up spiky pieces of metal, the poor girls at the orphanage sighed, got out their pencils, and drew jacks on the table.
  8. A group of kids from a middle school, deciding that painting and drawing really were the best medicine, began an initiative to bring these diversions to the hospital. The kids (apparently from For Better or For Worse (ignore these parentheses if you don’t read the comic)) called their new program Artin’ an’ Curin’.
  9. Uncle It (father of Cousin It from the Addam’s Family), refers to his only child as his hairy son.
  10. In the days before family names, one’s surname was decide by occupation. Thus the blacksmith was known as Frank Smith, the barrel maker was Mr. Cooper, and the man who put roofs on houses and made the kitchen floor was named John Tile-er.
  11. James Polk… James Polk… what the hell did he do? Did he do anything? He gets no pun.
  12. The whole town was abuzz with excitement. The game was about to begin. Everyone in town brought their cats, some short-tail and some long-tail. However, today, all the cats appeared to have long tails, and the judges had to decide which were natural and which were fake in the exciting game Tail or Pipe cleaner.
  13. Timmy cackled with delight, clutching his arsenal of water balloons. He was going to sneak attack his little sister and her friends. As they rounded the corner, however, he realized he was outsmarted. The girls were there with enormous water guns. His own supply of water balloons was looking pitiful. In a desperate attempt to even the odds, he called frantically to his friend who was sitting near the hose, “FILL MORE BALLOONS! FILL MORE!”
  14. Scientists discovered the worst smell known to man today, and said that it could only be described as “rank” and “fierce”
  15. The British were able to defeat the flotilla, which was attacking along the river Thames, by using a special cannon that shot Bio-Laser Undulating Electric (BLUE) cannon balls. Their weapon was called the Thames Blue Cannon.
  16. It was Civil War Reenactment Day. The town drunk had somehow gotten assigned to be one of the Confederate leaders, the kind with the sword that they had for no reason. Anyway, everyone was ready. In position, waiting to begin. Unfortunately, they were short one man. One Confederate leader with a superfluous sword, to be exact. Where was the sabre-man? Drinkin’.
  17. Johnson. Penis. Enough said.
  18. In the true text of the Odyssey, Odysseus was sent forward in time to the 1990s, where he became captivated by an animated show featuring a yellow drunk and his family. Upon discovering this writing, anthropologists were flummoxed. They immediately sought more government funding and received it in the Ulysss-Simpsons Grant.
  19. What did Austin Powers say to president Rutherford? Oh B. Hayes.
  20. What do you call it when an orange cat that likes to eat a lot is hit by a car driven by the 20th president and then picked up as roadkill? James Abram’s Car-peeled.
  21. What do you get when you cross this president with someone who died for a cause? Chester A. Martyr.
  22. In the big parade in Ohio, a giant ballon of one of the presidents broke free from its ties and went floating free into the air. Grover Cleveland, the balloon president, was last somewhere over Cleveland.
  23. Who the fuck is Benjamin Harrison?
  24. See 22.
  25. In food-related news, McDonalds teamed up with Soylent Green for the latest addition to the dollars menu: a hamburger made out of one’s own family and Jet Li. It was be called the McKin-Li burger.
  26. What do you call a president who puts his waistband in ice? Teddy Froze-a-belt.
  27. Monopolies found his trust-busting policies so overzealous that they began referring to this president as William Howard Daft. (look, it was either this or William Howard Fat)
  28. A president’s enterprising offspring began a lawncare service wherein they cut the grass while balancing on pieces of wood. They called their business Good-Mow Stilt Sons.
  29. Harding. Hard on. Erection. C’mon.
  30. The presidential refridgerator? Calvin’s cool fridge.
  31. Depression era ice cream? Sherbert Hoover.
  32. 26 but with Franklin. Franklin Froze-a-belt.
  33. A presidential tribute band that uses strange things as drums: Harry S. Tru-man Group
  34. A conspiracy theorist recently wrote a book about the Korean War titled Dwight D. LiesInPower.
  35. In an alternate universe, this president was homosexual and not assassinated. Who is: J.F.Gay
  36. Johnson. Again, penis. Do you really need me for this?
  37. Both president and part of physics, Richard Friction.
  38. Gerald Ford? More like Gerald Can’t Afford (anything) (I hope there was a recession when he was president because I really didn’t research so he could’ve been incredibly rich)
  39. I’m sorry but you can’t be “James Earl” unless your last name is Jones. I guess that’s why this guy went by Jimmy.
  40. Seriously I’m about to give up on this one… In college he was referred to as Ronald Keggin’
  41. The blacksmiths would meet every year to test their strength in the Forge Push.
  42. <gratuitous Monica Lewinsky “insert Bill here” joke>
  43. Double your terror, double your guns. Double you hatredtothepresident with Double-You Bush. (I’m a liberal, if you couldn’t tell)

So there, now aren’t you all excited for the big day? Ready to go out and give your favorite president a great big hug? I know I am.

p.s. If you’re unsure as to which president I am referencing, too bad. They are very clearly numbered.

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