The second half of this article was written by George. I can’t believe ObscurePorn doesn’t support multiple authors. Technical Editor, get on that! Yeah, I’m addressing you from inside an article! Maybe if we had multiple author support I wouldn’t be embarrassing you like this. OK just read the article.
I Love Harry Potter!
by Julie Tibler, age 11
Editor’s Note: This editorial takes place before Book 7. The person who wrote it doesn’t know what happens in Book 7. You should read it from a pre-Book 7 perspective. It’s like a time machine back to six days ago.
I love Harry Potter! He is the greatest. He is the coolest wizard ever. I wish I had powers like him. Harry Potter can do anything he wants, cause he is the Boy Who Lived. I think You-Know-Who doesn’t stand a chance against Harry Potter, cause Harry is way better. I have read every Harry Potter book at least five times cause they are the best books ever. My favorite is Harry Potter and the Half-Baked Plot- I mean Half-Blood Prince. Every other book ever written is not worth the time. Once Harry Potter is over, I’m never reading again. Nothing could be as good as Harry Potter. He is so cool! Don’t you wish you had a magic wand? I would use mine to Petrificus Totalus my little brother so he would leave me alone. But actually, I couldn’t do that cause I’m just a Muggle. I wish I was a wizard so I could go to Hogwarts and meet Harry. I want to take magic classes and go on adventures with Harry. Actually, he is six years older than me, so we wouldn’t be in the same class, but I would still see him. Maybe I would see Ron and Hermione too! But they’re not as cool as Harry. I would tell Proffessor [sic] Snape to leave Harry alone cause Harry is really good and Snape is just being mean. Ooh, I forgot that Snape killed Dumbledore. He probably doesn’t even teach there anymore. Is Dumbledore really dead? I don’t think so. I hope he’s not. Dumbledore is really nice to Harry and also a really good wizard. If he’s dead that would be bad.
Harry Potter is like my best friend. He is so much better than anyone I know. He would be nice to me, like he was to Ginny. He wouldn’t make fun of me because of my hunchback. I bet he would show me his Patronus if I asked him. I really want to meet Harry Potter. But I guess that can’t happen. I mean because he lives in England and that’s really far away. I wrote a million letters (oops, I’m not supposed to exaggerate. I meant 9,997 letters) to J.K. Rowling asking if I could meet him but they must’ve gotten lost in the mail cause she never wrote back. Oh well. At least I have a life-size cardboard cutout of him. In conclusion, the Harry Potter series is a masterfully written and vividly imagined literary tour de force that has enormous appeal for readers of all ages. I heartily recommend it.
Harry Potter is a Fucking Douche.
by Draco Malfoy, age… 17, I think
Editor’s Note: This editorial takes place after, but ignores the events of, Book 7. Who knows whether Draco is even alive right now (I do and I’m sure plenty of other people do, but if you haven’t read Book 7 yet you don’t. So pbbbblt [Editor’s Editor’s Note: that was the raspberry sound]!) But anyway, you should read this from a pre-Book 7 perspective. If you don’t, things might not be the same as they would otherwise. So you shouldn’t do that. Shouldn’t not read it from a pre-Book 7 perspective, I mean. Look just take this as I meant it and don’t misconstrue anything. If you do, it’s the fault of your shitty reading, not my shitty writing.
First of all, I have no idea what that idiot muggle girl is talking about with J.K. Rowling and “the Harry Potter books.” She oughta be put in the loony bin, if you ask me. Or a cage, so she doesn’t hurt herself. The world would be so much better if all the muggles were caged…
But back to the point: Harry Potter is a fucking douche. Widdle Potty, the Boy Who Needed a Better Attitude. Loved by teachers (except Snape, the only good teacher of the lot), followed around by that mudblood Granger and practically living with those blood traitor Weasleys (I’m amazed they can even afford to feed themselves, let alone him). He just happened to get lucky once or twice… or three times. Or six. He got lucky six times and now everyone is so dazzled by his scar that they don’t notice how much of a douche he is. Believe me, he’s a douche.
The first time I met him, 6 years ago, in Madam Malkin’s, I tried to be nice (this was before I found out what an attention-seeking, muggle-loving goody two shoes he was). Sure, he wasn’t as rich as I was, but his father did come from an old wizarding family and he was famous… look, I was young and didn’t know any better. I don’t have to explain myself to you. But as I was saying, I offered to be his friend and he turned me down! Me! HE, the little orphan with no friends, turned ME down. What a douche.
It’s okay, though. I got him back on the Hogwarts Express this year. He snuck into our compartment and tried to spy on us with his fancy little invisibility cloak, but I saw him anyway. I stunned him and broke his nose, the little spy-douche-sneak. I stomped on his nose just like-
What do you want, mom?!? I’m busy right now. And I told you, CALL ME DRACO YOU BITCH.
Don’t you talk to me like that, young man. Now get down here and walk the dog right this instant or…
Ugh, I have to go. But Harry Potter is still a douche.