OP: Because You Can’t Find It Anywhere Else

The Society for the Promotion of Good Grammar and MSN Encarta (?!) urge you to march forth on March fourth to promote good grammar!

(That’s today)

http://nationalgrammarday.com/

beaver, cleaver, cleavage, Janet Jackson, nipple, titties, biddies, Vietnam, Dr. Jeff Cory, Dr. House, Dr. Cox, J.D., Turk, Saudi Arabia, Iraq, Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden, Barack Hussein Obama, Hillary Clinton, Charles Schumer, pair of shoes, let’s get some shoes, $300, the 300, Sin City, Las Vegas, CSI, NYPD Blue, David Caruso, David Hu, The Who, Keith Moon, Marty Moon, person of indeterminate gender wearing a fur-trimmed jacket even though he or she is inside, Stormy Hicks, The Perfect Storm, George Clooney, Rosemary Clooney, thyme, Simon and Garfunkel, Garfield, Taft, Hoover, Dyson, suction cup, black holes, Elliot, My Name Is Shiotani, My Name Is Earl, 30 Rock, The Office, Office Space, Ron Livingston, Sprint, Nextel, Nextel Cup, Jeff Gordon, Tide, Darrell Waltrip, Daryl Hanna, Hanna Barbera, his son Elroy, Jack Elrod, elbow, macaroni, martini, vodka, Mantas, map, mop, janitor, actor, Neil Flynn, Neil Armstrong, Lance Armstrong, Sheryl Crow, Counting Crows, Count von Count, Big Bird, Snuffleupagus, Grover, Grosvenor, Strathmore, Trish Stratus, Vince McMahon, manatee, humanity, Hugh Grant, Hugh Laurie, Omar Epps, Omar Stoutmire, Oscar Mayer, Healthy Choice, pro-choice, pro-life, Life magazine, Life board game, life sentence, Lyfe Jennings, Ken Jennings, Alex Trebek, Sean Connery, James Bond, Ali G, Borat, Kazakhstan, USSR, Russia, RGSD, Vladimir Hyder, Alex Hyder, Alexander the Great, Hagar the Horrible, Attila the Hun, super hunch, Super Freak, Little Miss Sunshine, Steve Carell, Will Ferrell, David Koechner, Snakes on a Plane, Samuel L. Jackson, Bruce Willis, Die Hard, DieHard batteries, assault and battery, salt and pepper, Anthony Caine, Horatio Caine, Horatio Sanz, Horatio Hornblower, Mr. Fantastic, Mr. Incredible, Pixar, Disney, Greg Disney, Walt Disney, Robot Chicken, Seth Green, Kermit the Frog, Green Bay Packers, Super Bowl I, jet pack, petjack, Jack in the Box, Sonic Burger, NYU, Nick Wolf, lupus, Lupe Fiasco, fiesta, Tostitos, Doritos, Frito-Lay, Ken Lay, Kendall Square, square inches, square dance, Dance Dance Revolution, Guitar Hero, Rock Band, vagee, G-Unit, 50 Cent, JFK, the moon, you, you, sheep, Mattress Discounters, recount, Al Gore, An Inconvenient Truth, global warming, greenhouse gases, natural gas, natural hair color, the barbershop, one of those rotating candy-cane-looking poles, Mr. Mint, Peppermint Pattie, Thin Mints, Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, Cub Scouts, cubby, Cully Vale, basketball karate, foul shot, photo shot, Photoshop, candy shop, Sour Patch Kids, Swedish Fish, Swedish Chef, Swedish meatballs, IKEA, furniture, fur coat, paint coat, paintbrush, hairbrush, Hairspray, John Travolta, Battlefield Earth, Battlestar Galactica, bears, chinchilla, double chin, double cheeseburger, double play, triple play, playground, four square, fork, spoon, spork, knife, machete, Grindhouse, House of the Rising Sun, The Animals, the zoo, panda, Kung Fu Panda, Jack Black, blackjack, Stars and Stripes, The White Stripes, zebra, zebra cake, Little Debbie, Li’l Bow Wow, Like Mike, microphone, headphone, Fone Bone, T-Bone, T-Rex, Utahraptor, Mormons, the Mormon Temple, Temple University, Ben and Vince University, University of Maryland, Ms. Tubman, Harriet Tubman, bathtub, tubgirl, cup chicks, chicken fingers, Denver Nuggets, Denver Colorado, Denver Broncos, bucking bronco, white Ford Bronco, ford the river, die of dysentery, disinterested, interest rates, subprime mortgage, prime number, ready for primetime, Deion Sanders, Colonel Sanders, Cap’n Crunch, Crunch bar, crunch time, Time to Remember, Hallmark, magic marker, Sharpie, p-value, Chizzart, art class, painting, graffiti, shoefitti, Shoes, feet, meat, vegetables, coma, Terri Schiavo, Bill Frist, Eleanor Holmes Norton, Eleanor Roosevelt, Theodore Roosevelt, San Juan Hill, Cuban cigar, cigarette, hookah, Captain Hook, Peter Pan, Tiger Lily, Tiger Woods, Arnold Palmer, Arnold Schwarzenegger, California, cheese, Provolone, mozzarella, Ella Fitzgerald, Fitzgerald Auto Mall, Otto the dog from Beetle Bailey, Sarge, SARS, bird flu, Flunitrazepam, flash in the pan, The Flash, The Human Torch, The Thing, Michael Chiklis, The Shield, The Glass Shield, The Ledo Pizza Glass-Enclosed Nerve Center, square, cube, Cube Zero, zero tolerance, absolute zero, Kelvin, Kevin, inside, outside, out of the box, Target Practice, Soccer Practice, track practice, laugh track, The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Infoflow, It’s Tricky, Tricky Dick, the movie Dick, Dick Cavett, Dick Army, Vagina Coast Guard, Vagina Monologues, mono, David Gootenberg, David and Goliath, goal, goalie, Olaf Kolzig, hockey, Stanley Cup, Stan Lee, Spider-Man, Venom, snake bite, Solid Snake, solid-state chemistry, state capital, Annapolis, The Naval Academy, navel oranges, tangerine, clementine, Tiny Tim, Tim He, retarded, Petarded, hoisted by your own petard, the docks, stevedore, Steve Smith, Steve Zahn, the other Steve Smith, Super Bowl XLII, Tom Brady, Brady Bunch, a bunch of flowers, flower child, Unaccompanied Minors, company car, Cars, Pixar, Finding Nemo, Albert Brooks, Mr. Brooks, Mr. Rogers, remote sensing, remote control, RC Cola, Coca-Cola, Pepsi-Cola, Pepsi Twist, Halle Berry, strawberry, kiwi, New Zealand, Australia, Oceania, Ocean Spray, Ocean City, Sacramento California, Mentos, the freshmaker, meet your maker, Midnight Meat Train, the stroke of midnight, stroke of luck, Good Luck Chuck, Goodnight and Good Luck, good afternoon good evening and goodnight, Me Myself and Irene, Renee Zellweger, Ren and Stimpy, Animaniacs, Animorphs, K. A. Applegate, apple cider, apple pie, Apple computer, IBM, Compaq, HP, Dell, Microsoft, Yahoo!, exclamation point, question mark, period, punctuation, Fast Food Nation, Supersize Me, Morgan Spurlock, Morgan Freeman, God, Satan, racecar, oval, ovum, egg, Ann, ant, anthill, Aunt May, Mayberry, Mayflower, Pilgrims, Plymouth Rock, rock opera, Rock Lobster, the beach, sand, Sandman, Metallica, iron, Iron Man, Tony Stark, Tony Siragusa, Tony the Tiger, Frosted Flakes, Frosty the Snowman, Iceman, manatee, sea cow, sea lion, Food Lion, Safeway, Giant, the Jolly Green Giant, green peppers, Pepper Potts, saltshaker, sodium, chloride, chlorine, bleach, white, black, Black & Decker, Arm & Hammer, Armin Rosen, Silver Chips, Golden Grahams, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, I’d like to propose a toast, French toast, French fries, freedom fries, Frylock, Phillip J. Fry, Homer J. Simpson, O.J. Simpson, If I Did It, Here’s How It Happened, The Happening, The Grudge, The Grudge 2, The Ring Two, one ring to rule them all, Clerks II, Jeff Anderson, Morten Andersen, Morton Salt, Chad Morton, Mort Weisinger, Gene Weingarten, genetic engineering, General Motors, Toyota, NASCAR, John Nash, Steve Nash, Steven Spielberg, E.T., IT, It, Stephen King, Burger King, The King, Elvis, The L Word, the kramer, non-dairy creamer, coffee, Cathy, chocolate, AAACK, Tina Fey, The Golden Globes, the golden ticket, might as well kick it, foam ear apparel, foam #1 hands with pointing fingers, the shocker, Electro, electrolytes, Gatorade, G, Georgia, Jordan Turner, Will Turner, Will Smith, Smith & Wesson, Colt .45, Denny Colt, Denny’s, Wendy’s, Dave Thomas, old-fayshioned hamburger, the bidness, bizness, .biz, .tv, .org, .muffin, talking muffin, blueberry muffin, raspberry muffin, banana nut muffin, banana-nut-bread-maker, rye bread, Riley Freeman, Morgan Freeman, Bruce Wayne, Dominic Swain, Dominique Swain, Dominique Dawes, Takoma Park Middle School, Middle English, Old English, English muffin, .egg, egg on my face, ice on my face, the ice age, Steve Buscemi, Fargo, forego, hunger strike, strike zone, in the zone, ESPN Zone, residential zoning, Resident Evil, Resident Evil: Extinction, endangered species, Dangerous Elevators, Dirty Carts, Dirty Jobs, Discovery Channel, Shark Week, Sherman’s Lagoon, the Creature from the Black Lagoon, A Blaffair to Rememblack, Who Dat Ninja, Ninja Gaiden, Ask a Ninja, Ask Amy, Amy Thomas, turtle, don’t eat rocks, hard candy, Jolly Rancher, The Lone Ranger, Justice Guy, Justices League, Supreme Court Justice, Supreme Court Justice keg party, party at Ben’s house, Cupid Shovel, Valentine’s Day, My Bloody Valentine 3D, Spy Kids 3-D, Sin City, The Spirit, Eva Mendes, Hitch, bitch, 5 Second Films, Lance Bass, Lance Armstrong, Neil Armstrong, Arm & Hammer, hammerhead shark, tiger shark, Tiger Woods, Arnold Palmer, Mucho Mango, muchas gracias, Salma Hayek, Selma Alabama, Martin Luther King Jr., Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Joe the Plumber, Sarah Palin, Sarah Plain and Tall, plain M&M’s, airplane, spaceship, space elevator, dangerous space elevators, Mars, Mars Bar, My Favorite Martian, Curtis “My Favorite” Martin, that rap junk, junkyard, prison yard, Prison Break, breakdance, Just Dance, dance party, Republican Party, John McCain, Arizona, Original Brand AriZona Sun-Brewed Ice Tea with Lemon Flavor, sun-dried tomatoes, Tomatometer, tomato sauce, burnsauce, Burn Notice, eviction notice, landlord, manor, mansion, MANswers, termites, porch, Porsche, Saab, cry, Cry Wolf, Nick Wolf, St. Nick, St. Petersburg Florida, Gaithersburg, Maryland, Marilyn Monroe, Marilyn Manson, Hansen, Han Solo, guitar solo, Guitar Hero, Welcome Back Qatar, American Dad!, father of the year, Father of the Bride, Bride of Frankenstein, Young Frankenstein, Young Republicans, Michael Steele, Man of Steel, Terry Labonte, Montoni’s, Tony Soprano, Tony the Tiger, Frosted Flakes, Sugar Smacks, Honeycomb, comb over, bald, bold, italic, Italy, Greece, John Travolta, Samuel L. Jackson, Jackson Mississippi, Jason Campbell, Campbell’s Soup, alphabet soup, Super Bowl, big game bowl, satellite dish, FiOS, Verizon, Comcast, sucks, socks, Red Sox, White Sox, white supremacist, KKK, Special K, special teams, ninja teams, teenz, Caleb Crew, Sexual Caleb, sex on the beach, White Russian, vodka, Pop Champagne, pop music, Michael Jackson, Thriller, Indian Thriller, Ghajini, Slumdog Millionaire, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, The Price Is Right, Whose Line Is It Anyway?, Wheel of Fortune, fortune cookie, sugar cookie, Sugar Ray, ray of light, Ray Romano, Ray Charles, Charles Barkley, Dwyane Wade, Duane Reade, CVS, Rite Aid, Walgreen’s, Walstein, New York Giants, James and the Giant Peach, James Brown, Brown Death, the black plague, malaria, hilarious, Hi and Lois, David and Lois, Peter and Lois, Peter and MJ, Mark and Cherry, Mark and Jess, court jester, The Day the Music Died, Death of a Salesman, English class, English major, Jack Bauer, Jack-in-the-box, Five Guys, Two Guys and a Girl, a izza place, pizza dip, Jerry’s Subs & Pizza, Subway, Jared, Jarhead, Jake Gyllenhaal, Heath Ledger, Christian Bale, bale of hay, Hey Arnold!, CatDog, hot dog, Hot Tamale, Red Hot Chili Peppers, four-alarm chili, four-alarm fire, you’re fired, Donald Trump, Donald Duck, Winnie the Pooh, Piglet, Tigger, Christopher Robin, Hundred Acre Wood, would you like to go to the dance with me?, Dance Dance Revolution, American Revolution, French Revolution, Napoleon, Napoleon Dynamite, Blades of Glory, blade servers, Blade the movie, Blade II, The Sims 2, SimTower, Tower of Terror, Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster, the coast, the ocean, the Arctic Ocean, Antarctica, Auntie Em, Kansas, Sam Brownback, Rod Blagojevich, Rod and Todd Flanders, Ned Flanders, Maude Flanders, Claude Monet, Impressionism, The Illusionist, The Prestige, Michael Caine, Michael Clarke Duncan, Clark Kent, Lois Lane, Lana Lang, Smallville, The CW, Everybody Hates Chris, Everybody Loves Raymond, Raymond Sydnor II, Spider-Man 2, Spider-Man Also, Spider-Man Free, Free Tibet, Free Hat, hat-trick, Patrick, St. Patrick’s Day, Jumping Out the Window, defenestration, penetration, Bic, cigarette lighters, lighter than air, lighter than water, don’t drink the water, Don’t, Werewolf Women of the SS, Nicolas Cage, cage match, regular match, matchbox, Matchbox Twenty, Twenty Questions, 20Q, artificial intelligence, A.I., T.I., Rihanna, Cover Girl, centerfold, the center of the Earth, Brendan Fraser, The Mummy 3, Jet Li, Lee Harvey Oswald, Jack Ruby, Hope Diamond, Finesse Mitchell, Kenan Thompson, Kel Mitchell, All That, Snoopy Too, Woodstock, card stock, stock market, Wall Street, Sesame Street, Oscar the Grouch, The Oscars, SAG Awards, Thieves’ Guild, Robin Hood, Robin Williams, Man of the Year, Wayne Avenue parking garage, scooter chase, Scooter Libby, Dick Cheney, Richard “Tricky Dick” Nixon, Futurama, American Dad!, Stan Smith, Stan Lee, The Amazing Spider-Man, camera, Ritz Camera, Ritz Crackers, saltines, pig paste, pig waste, wasting time, wasting money, wasting gas, fart, heart, Heart of Darkness, Apocalypse Now, Armageddon, The Core, magma, Mad Max, Mel Gibson, racism, Kramer, Jerry Seinfeld, Newman, Paul Newman, Ryan Newman, Ryan Reynolds, Smokin’ Aces, pocket aces, pocket eight ball, 3D Pool, Marco Polo, water polo, polo shirt, regular polo, regular celery, wine cellar, oenology, OED, rhyming dictionary, grammar rap, wrapping paper, Christmas, Jordan Turner, Islam, B.C., The Wizard of Id, Sigmund Freud, cigar, banana, dildo, Dilbert, Zippy the Pinhead, pinball, foosball, soccer, Mia Hamm, emergency ham, emergency exit, Eggspectations, egg on your face, bacon, baking, cookies, Cookie Monster, Avenue Q, Saks Fifth Avenue, the SAC, eggsac, smooth as eggs, Chappelle’s Show, Block Party, building blocks, Legos, Eggo, waffle, Waffle House, IHOP, Pancake House, pan-fried noodles, pho, enemy, Charlie, Charlie’s Angels, Bernie Mac, Mr. 3000, year 2000, Y2K, bug from On the Fastrack, your horoscope, Cancer, AIDS, adult illiteracy, Fantasia, American Idol, Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson, Randy Parker, Peter Parker, Peter Sellers, Mike Sellers, microphone, mike check, roadie, groupie, backstage pass, hall pass, hall sweep, Minesweeper, broom, toothbrush, hairbrush, haircut, Tortoise and the Hare, Shelley, Magic Shell, tragic accident, Unbreakable, M. Night Shyamalan, The Village, The Village People, YMCA, senior act, Born to Be Wild, Idlewild, OutKast, podcast, iPod, Apple, The Beatles, Ringo Starr, John Lennon, lemon lime, sublemonal massages, Sprite, Coke, crack, buttcrack, shuttlecock, space shuttle, Challenger, Columbia, Colombia, Diego, carpe diem, e pluribus unum, Uno the card game, draw two, tuba, tutu, Toto, Kansas, Kansas City Shuffle, Josh Hartnett, Josh Reads, Uncle Lumpy, Uncle Tom, Uncle Sam, Sam Brownback, Brokeback Mountain, Mount Everest, Everest institute, ITT Tech, MC, Harvard on the Pike, regular Harvard, Stanford, Princeton, Prince Charming, Prince Hamlet, Denmark, Deutsche mark, Mark Harding, Canada, hockey, Boston Bruins, The Departed, department store, Sears, Kenmore, claymore, Play-Doh, donut, Krispy Kreme, Crispix, mix tape, tape measure, duct tape, masking tape, rape, grape, Jolly Rancher, The Lone Ranger, Justice Guy, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Philadelphia, The Pursuit of Happyness, Will Smith, Kevin Smith, Kevin Bacon, six degrees of separation, Six Degrees TV show, Show Me The Money, William Shatner, Patrick Stewart, Stuart Little, Little House on the Prairie, Laura Ingalls Wilder, Gene Wilder, Jean Grey, Phoenix, Tucson, Fish On!, Goat In!, write-in candidate, Manchurian Candidate, Denzel Washington, Advent Children, Cloud, rain, reign of terror, Terror Squad, Mod Squad, Thank You for Smoking, J. Jonah Jameson, Daily Bugle, LA Bugle, LA Law, Law & Order, New York City, Statue of Liberty, flea-flicker, Photobucket, The Bucket, Gil Thorp, Gil Grissom, John Grisham, Stephen King, Anne Rice, Anne Heche, Ellen DeGeneres, Ricki Lake, Ricky Bobby, Ron Burgundy, Ronald McDonald, the King, Pocketbike Racer, Xbox, Wii, Nintendo, Sony, Japan, anime, animals, the zoo, Zoolander, Hansel, Gretel, Greta Weber, Peace Village, rest in peace, RIT, MIT, beaver

holy christ this thing looks amazing (link)

…Is forthcoming.  After a day of wingin’ it, so to speak, the traditional surprisingly incisive yet impossibly humorous review shall be found on this site.

Potential WingFesters are asked to submit a three page written essay detailing how wings have acted as a force to effect change–social, political, and otherwise–in America, and what can be done to maximize their impact as a revolutionary force.

Or just, like…let me know prior to/during winter break.  Give me a call or email or send me a fax or whatever.  That would work too.  Actually, scratch that thing about the essay, it’s a BS prompt and only a douche would want to read three pages about wings.  Unless, you know, it’s a WingFest article.

because THIS BEAR IS AWESOME

ok it’s not that amazing, but I really love the headline

but don’t take my word for it…

Slowly fade in on a park bench. There’s a lot of hustle and bustle going behind and in front of it. As we get closer we see that a strange man is sitting on it. He is kind of just staring off into space in front of him, but his expression is getting more and more distressed. Just as he is about to explode, a kid and his mom walk past quickly and we follow them. It’s clear that we are in a zoo.

Kid- Mommy mommy I wanna see the bear!

Mom (clearly not paying attention)- Mm-hmm.

Kid- Mommy! Did you hear me? I wanna see the bear! (he is jumping up and down a little bit by this point)

Mom- well, I want an abortion, but we can’t always get what we want, can we? Actually, I- I really want to see the bear also. At least that one didn’t take me five years to figure out.

As they are walking, they pass by a cage with a monkey in it, who plunges a knife into the other monkey in the cage. In another cage, we see a cow who says “M-O-O.”

Kid- can I see the bear yet?!

Mom- we’re almost there, aright? And when we get there, could you try to tone it down a little? It’s kind of embarrassing.

They approach the bear section of the zoo. Unfortunately, it’s becoming clear that something is horribly wrong. There are police cars and cops all over the place.

Mom (to closest police officer)- Officer, what’s going on? Are- are we gonna get to see the bear?

Officer- Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to step away from the crime scene.

Mom- Crime? What crime? There’s no crime! I have a license for this child, I swear, I just left it-

Officer- No, it’s not that, it’s- well, take a look for yourself (he motions in a direction).

Mom- wait, didn’t you just say I had to step away?

Officer- Jesus Christ, fine! I was trying to do you a favor! I- I just thought maybe it would make you like me, and then we could like go out sometime? I dunno, it sounds stupid, but-

Mom (obviously a little unnerved)- uh, right, so I’m just gonna look over in this direction-

The crowd parts and a scene comes into view: a cage with the label “BEAR BEAR BEAR BEAR FLYING SQU-” and we can’t see the rest. But, there’s nothing in the cage! And one of the walls of the cage is violently torn open from the inside. Cut back to Mom.

Mom (very distressed)- Oh no… this situation is unbearable!

Kid (disgusted)- Sometimes, I can barely stand to be with you.

Officer- I bear witness to the fact that you both are fuckin’ retards.

Mom- look, I’m sick of bearing the brunt of your insults!

Officer- too bad, you’re just gonna have to grin and bear it.

Kid- Mom, you’re really doing the bare minimum as a parent here.

Mom- well, it’s hard! There are a lot of barriers for working moms!

Officer- yeah, but still! I mean, look at this kid’s clothes! They’re completely threadbare!

Mom- well, we’re kind of poor, OK? I had to make them with my bare hands!

Officer- but you’re not even providing the bare necessities.

Kid- yeah, I might as well be one of those old timey characters wearing a barrel!

Mom- look, I apologize, but if you’ll just bear with me, I’ll-

Kid- no! I wish you were dead and buried!

Officer (to Kid)- well you know, you would have to be a pallbearer in that situation.

Mom (to Kid)- how can you say that?! You make it sound like I’m some nasty old barracuda!

Officer- well you know what they say: it takes one to know a bear! (They all stare at him.) …What?

At this point the strange man from the beginning walks by and stares in shock at the mangled cage. After a few seconds, he starts to walk away and we follow him. It seems as though he is walking faster but then it becomes clear that the film is just speeding up. We follow him as he exits the zoo, walks a few blocks, enters an apartment building, walks up three flights of stairs, and enters his apartment. He does some stuff that we can’t really see cause the film is so fast, and eventually goes to sleep. We watch him sleep and then wake up in the morning and go into his kitchen to eat breakfast. By the end, the film is going really fast, but as he goes into the kitchen it suddenly goes back to normal. He has two roommates that are also eating breakfast. He sits down at the table and picks up the newspaper. On the front is a big headline: “The Bear Escapes From the Zoo.” He leafs through the paper for a little while, then shakes his head. Throughout this scene, the headline is visible in the bottom half of the screen.

Man- I can’t believe what happened with that bear!

Roommate #1- I know, pretty crazy.

A medium-length pause.

Man (forcefully)- Guys, I think we should find that bear.

Roommate #2- …What?

Man- Yeah! I really think we should do it!

Roommate #1- Why, is there a reward or something?

Man- No, I just think we should do it!

Roommate #1 (glances at Roommate #2)- Uh, I don’t know about that. It sounds like a lot of effort.

The man looks down at his paper again. Short pause.

Roommate #2 (to Roommate #1)- Hey, did you finish painting that corpse?

Roommate #1 (lifts an arm out from under the table)- Yeah, almost, I just have to do the arms-

Man (slamming his fist down on the table)- Guys, we have to find that bear!

Roommate #1- Wha- dude, you’re like obsessed with that bear!

Man- What are you talking about?

Roommate #1- I’m just saying, you keep bringing it up!

Man- Well yeah, cause, I mean… (Pause)

Roommate #2- …What? What is it?

Remember we still see the headline in the bottom of the screen.

Man (hesitantly at first)- Well, cause… (now forcefully) Because (as he says these last four words they appear in the air above the headline) THIS BEAR IS AWESOME!

Animated titles. Something cool involving a bear, I don’t know. At the end, we pull away to show that it was playing on a projector screen. The man is standing next to the screen pointing at it with a pointer.

Man- And if that extensively researched Powerpoint presentation doesn’t convince you, nothing will.

Cut to the two roommates sitting in chairs looking dubious.

Roommate #2- …Really? You thought Powerpoint was the best way to convince us?

Roommate #1- You could’ve at least had some wacky transitions or something.

Man- OK FINE NOTHING WILL. I’ll just go find the bear myself.

Roommate #1 (pointing)- He’s right there.

Man (whirling around)- Aah! (He realizes what’s happened.) No, that’s the Powerpoint I just showed you! That’s just a picture of a bear.

Roommate #1- I wasn’t talking about that, I was talking about the bear that’s right there! (pointing again)

Man (jumps)- Aah! Oh my god, it’s him! That’s the bear! Right outside on the fire escape! (we don’t actually see it; we’re still looking at the man.) Get him!

He charges toward the window but doesn’t open it so he just bonks into it and falls down.

Man- Dammit! He got away! What was he doing here anyway though? Suspicious… damned suspicious… almost too suspicious… (we zoom in on his worried face as dramatic music plays and the screen fades to black.)

END OF ACT I (of several)

i made an obscure porn themed desktop. take a look.

The Translocator: The translocator was originally created by the Liandri Mining Corporation to allow the workers to be able to escape in the event of a cave in. The translocator is a disc, that fits into a launcher and can be launched in for a great distance in any direction.

Pros: This gun can be fire fired anywhere, and with a little clever use of physics can allow the user to a very wide range of transport. As the translocator forcibly places the person in the area of the disc, anything else that is there is vaporized. This makes the translocator a somewhat unique weapon.  The translocator can be opened anywhere (in midflight, under water, in a teleport, etc..), allowing the user to hop around quickly.

Cons: The translocator can only be used by the person wielding it, and it is a one way trip. To get back, the disc must be relaunched. The translocator has a terrible aversion to a person carrying a flag while using it. It looks ugly as all hell.

The Portal Gun: The portal gun is a hand held device produced by the Aperture Science Center. This gun can fire two “portals”, one orange and one blue, that open a gateway between each other. It can pick up and carry objects.

Pros: After the portal ends are set, anything and anyone can go through them. Single ends of the portal can be manipulated independently of each other, which coupled with the fact momentum of objects is conserved through the portal, allows the user to propel themselves wherever they please (this of course, takes a certain amount of skill and a high tolerance for pain). It is aesthetically appealing

Cons: Because the portal gun is so contrary to our perception of physics,  it is very easy to mess up while using it. VERY EASY. The user has to have a visible line between them and the desired portal position, which makes portal placement limited. In addition, the portal itself is a passive and nonviolent entity, even though it could be used indirectly for violent purposes (such as dropping blocks on people, making them fall until they reach terminal velocity and catch fire, launching them into the sun, etc..).

Author’s choice:  Both? I don’t know they both have their purposes, and having a translocator I could fire through a portal would be sweet.