Because you can't find it anywhere else

Category: Things That Are Awesome


Slowly fade in on a park bench. There’s a lot of hustle and bustle going behind and in front of it. As we get closer we see that a strange man is sitting on it. He is kind of just staring off into space in front of him, but his expression is getting more and more distressed. Just as he is about to explode, a kid and his mom walk past quickly and we follow them. It’s clear that we are in a zoo.

Kid- Mommy mommy I wanna see the bear!

Mom (clearly not paying attention)- Mm-hmm.

Kid- Mommy! Did you hear me? I wanna see the bear! (he is jumping up and down a little bit by this point)

Mom- well, I want an abortion, but we can’t always get what we want, can we? Actually, I- I really want to see the bear also. At least that one didn’t take me five years to figure out.

As they are walking, they pass by a cage with a monkey in it, who plunges a knife into the other monkey in the cage. In another cage, we see a cow who says “M-O-O.”

Kid- can I see the bear yet?!

Mom- we’re almost there, aright? And when we get there, could you try to tone it down a little? It’s kind of embarrassing.

They approach the bear section of the zoo. Unfortunately, it’s becoming clear that something is horribly wrong. There are police cars and cops all over the place.

Mom (to closest police officer)- Officer, what’s going on? Are- are we gonna get to see the bear?

Officer- Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to step away from the crime scene.

Mom- Crime? What crime? There’s no crime! I have a license for this child, I swear, I just left it-

Officer- No, it’s not that, it’s- well, take a look for yourself (he motions in a direction).

Mom- wait, didn’t you just say I had to step away?

Officer- Jesus Christ, fine! I was trying to do you a favor! I- I just thought maybe it would make you like me, and then we could like go out sometime? I dunno, it sounds stupid, but-

Mom (obviously a little unnerved)- uh, right, so I’m just gonna look over in this direction-

The crowd parts and a scene comes into view: a cage with the label “BEAR BEAR BEAR BEAR FLYING SQU-” and we can’t see the rest. But, there’s nothing in the cage! And one of the walls of the cage is violently torn open from the inside. Cut back to Mom.

Mom (very distressed)- Oh no… this situation is unbearable!

Kid (disgusted)- Sometimes, I can barely stand to be with you.

Officer- I bear witness to the fact that you both are fuckin’ retards.

Mom- look, I’m sick of bearing the brunt of your insults!

Officer- too bad, you’re just gonna have to grin and bear it.

Kid- Mom, you’re really doing the bare minimum as a parent here.

Mom- well, it’s hard! There are a lot of barriers for working moms!

Officer- yeah, but still! I mean, look at this kid’s clothes! They’re completely threadbare!

Mom- well, we’re kind of poor, OK? I had to make them with my bare hands!

Officer- but you’re not even providing the bare necessities.

Kid- yeah, I might as well be one of those old timey characters wearing a barrel!

Mom- look, I apologize, but if you’ll just bear with me, I’ll-

Kid- no! I wish you were dead and buried!

Officer (to Kid)- well you know, you would have to be a pallbearer in that situation.

Mom (to Kid)- how can you say that?! You make it sound like I’m some nasty old barracuda!

Officer- well you know what they say: it takes one to know a bear! (They all stare at him.) …What?

At this point the strange man from the beginning walks by and stares in shock at the mangled cage. After a few seconds, he starts to walk away and we follow him. It seems as though he is walking faster but then it becomes clear that the film is just speeding up. We follow him as he exits the zoo, walks a few blocks, enters an apartment building, walks up three flights of stairs, and enters his apartment. He does some stuff that we can’t really see cause the film is so fast, and eventually goes to sleep. We watch him sleep and then wake up in the morning and go into his kitchen to eat breakfast. By the end, the film is going really fast, but as he goes into the kitchen it suddenly goes back to normal. He has two roommates that are also eating breakfast. He sits down at the table and picks up the newspaper. On the front is a big headline: “The Bear Escapes From the Zoo.” He leafs through the paper for a little while, then shakes his head. Throughout this scene, the headline is visible in the bottom half of the screen.

Man- I can’t believe what happened with that bear!

Roommate #1- I know, pretty crazy.

A medium-length pause.

Man (forcefully)- Guys, I think we should find that bear.

Roommate #2- …What?

Man- Yeah! I really think we should do it!

Roommate #1- Why, is there a reward or something?

Man- No, I just think we should do it!

Roommate #1 (glances at Roommate #2)- Uh, I don’t know about that. It sounds like a lot of effort.

The man looks down at his paper again. Short pause.

Roommate #2 (to Roommate #1)- Hey, did you finish painting that corpse?

Roommate #1 (lifts an arm out from under the table)- Yeah, almost, I just have to do the arms-

Man (slamming his fist down on the table)- Guys, we have to find that bear!

Roommate #1- Wha- dude, you’re like obsessed with that bear!

Man- What are you talking about?

Roommate #1- I’m just saying, you keep bringing it up!

Man- Well yeah, cause, I mean… (Pause)

Roommate #2- …What? What is it?

Remember we still see the headline in the bottom of the screen.

Man (hesitantly at first)- Well, cause… (now forcefully) Because (as he says these last four words they appear in the air above the headline) THIS BEAR IS AWESOME!

Animated titles. Something cool involving a bear, I don’t know. At the end, we pull away to show that it was playing on a projector screen. The man is standing next to the screen pointing at it with a pointer.

Man- And if that extensively researched Powerpoint presentation doesn’t convince you, nothing will.

Cut to the two roommates sitting in chairs looking dubious.

Roommate #2- …Really? You thought Powerpoint was the best way to convince us?

Roommate #1- You could’ve at least had some wacky transitions or something.

Man- OK FINE NOTHING WILL. I’ll just go find the bear myself.

Roommate #1 (pointing)- He’s right there.

Man (whirling around)- Aah! (He realizes what’s happened.) No, that’s the Powerpoint I just showed you! That’s just a picture of a bear.

Roommate #1- I wasn’t talking about that, I was talking about the bear that’s right there! (pointing again)

Man (jumps)- Aah! Oh my god, it’s him! That’s the bear! Right outside on the fire escape! (we don’t actually see it; we’re still looking at the man.) Get him!

He charges toward the window but doesn’t open it so he just bonks into it and falls down.

Man- Dammit! He got away! What was he doing here anyway though? Suspicious… damned suspicious… almost too suspicious… (we zoom in on his worried face as dramatic music plays and the screen fades to black.)

END OF ACT I (of several)

The Great Comparison

The Translocator: The translocator was originally created by the Liandri Mining Corporation to allow the workers to be able to escape in the event of a cave in. The translocator is a disc, that fits into a launcher and can be launched in for a great distance in any direction.

Pros: This gun can be fire fired anywhere, and with a little clever use of physics can allow the user to a very wide range of transport. As the translocator forcibly places the person in the area of the disc, anything else that is there is vaporized. This makes the translocator a somewhat unique weapon.  The translocator can be opened anywhere (in midflight, under water, in a teleport, etc..), allowing the user to hop around quickly.

Cons: The translocator can only be used by the person wielding it, and it is a one way trip. To get back, the disc must be relaunched. The translocator has a terrible aversion to a person carrying a flag while using it. It looks ugly as all hell.

The Portal Gun: The portal gun is a hand held device produced by the Aperture Science Center. This gun can fire two “portals”, one orange and one blue, that open a gateway between each other. It can pick up and carry objects.

Pros: After the portal ends are set, anything and anyone can go through them. Single ends of the portal can be manipulated independently of each other, which coupled with the fact momentum of objects is conserved through the portal, allows the user to propel themselves wherever they please (this of course, takes a certain amount of skill and a high tolerance for pain). It is aesthetically appealing

Cons: Because the portal gun is so contrary to our perception of physics,  it is very easy to mess up while using it. VERY EASY. The user has to have a visible line between them and the desired portal position, which makes portal placement limited. In addition, the portal itself is a passive and nonviolent entity, even though it could be used indirectly for violent purposes (such as dropping blocks on people, making them fall until they reach terminal velocity and catch fire, launching them into the sun, etc..).

Author’s choice:  Both? I don’t know they both have their purposes, and having a translocator I could fire through a portal would be sweet.

How To: Laptop Stealth

So I’ve realized some teachers actually give a shit about whether or not you are fucking around on your laptop in class. To catch people who are off task, the TAs/minions will lazily walk around the room, looking at peoples monitors. I am here to show you a few way to easily avoid being caught, while maintaining the ability to do whatever you want.

If you are a Mac user, you can download Nocturne, a cool program that will make the rest of this guide simple.

Preparatory  steps:

– Sit away from an aisle, or the direct back of the class if the TAs walk around there.

– Turn your sound off.

Step 1. Turn down your screen brightness. Seems obvious. It will make it much harder for someone not directly in front of the computer to see  what is happening on the screen. Nocturne can be set to automatically lower the screen brightness whenever it is used.

Step 2. Stay away from color. Color is what gives you away, and what people

look for when they focus on something. Not having a colorful screen will leave the TA without enough reason to call you out. Nocturne will automatically monochrome and invert the color on your display.

Step 3. Don’t watch movies. Peripheral vision is best suited for catching motion, so it will grab the attention of anyone scanning the room. Plus, movies need sound, and having your speakers or headphones is suspicious.

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