Because you can't find it anywhere else

"This Article Is About College." FALSE.

If you’ve been paying the slightest bit of attention to the articles I’ve written over the past several weeks for Obscure, then I know that you’ve observed at least one constant. That unifying force, that characteristic that ties all my articles together, is, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, concern for my readers. Without you, I’m nothing. I have no purpose. I’m a voice crying in the dark with no one to hear, not even myself. That’s how strongly I identify myself with you. Oh god please don’t leave. I don’t think I could go on without you. No! Come back! I’m still here! Oh… you’re really gone. That’s it. You’re gone, and so there’s not really any point in me going on either, is there? This is the end. Farewell; it was nice knowing you, but I guess you didn’t really feel that way!! One quick thrust, that’s all it’ll take, and then it’ll all be over. HKKK! [Thud].

Whoa! What? No, this article just started. I’m still here, so you must be reading this again. Nothing happened in this article before this paragraph. There’s no way you would have known about that, since you weren’t reading it. Known about what? Nothing. Anyway, the point is, I really care about my readers. So, here are the results of the reader poll I conducted a few weeks ago.

  1. How good are my articles on a scale of 1 to 10?
    Readers were extremely divided on this question; a majority wondered whether 1 was the worst and 10 was the best, or the other way around. The other responses ranged from 5 to 5, for an average of N/A (due to the large amount of no responses). Um, if I had to rate your question answering ability on a scale of 1 to 10, I would give you like a zero. Seriously, you guys did really terribly on this one. You gave me basically no useful feedback.
  2. What can I do to improve?
    Well, all of your suggestions were pretty terrible, especially this one guy who just tore apart every article I’ve written. Some of his comments were “you suck!”, “Completely uninformative. Not recommended.”, “Try not to suck next time.”, “Overlong, confusing, and downright incoherent toward the end… Terrible journalism.”, “Way too long and complicated. Don’t do this again.”, and “Extremely poorly researched… Please don’t write an article of this type again.” I just- I don’t know how to respond to something like this! If this is how you guys are gonna be, maybe I’ll just never improve on purpose. You’ll have to deal with really crappy articles all the time. Um… yeah, all… the… time…
  3. What did you eat for breakfast this morning?
    “Objection: relevance!” “Yes, Mr. Strauss, I too am wondering what this line of questioning could possibly show.” “Your Honor, if you’ll just give me a few minutes, you’ll see.” “All right, but this had better be quick.” “Thank you. So, Reader, answer the question. What did you have for breakfast this morning? Oatmeal? And is that not your least favorite meal? And in the past, has your mood not been affected by the meal you had eaten just previously? I submit that the bad experience you had with oatmeal ruined my writing for you, not the writing itself!” “GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY!”
    So yeah, next time, don’t eat oatmeal.
  4. How are you liking this poll so far?
    Everyone was pissed that it interrupted their dinner. Sorry, that was poor timing.
  5. Would you rather it be multiple choice? a) yes; b) no; c) since I don’t want it to be multiple choice I’m not gonna answer with any of these letters; d) none of the above; e) all of the above; f) there are way too many choices in this question; g) b, d, e ,and h, but not c. I don’t even know about f; h) g and c but no others (including this one); i) OK now all of the above; j) don’t they always skip j for some reason? Well, I put it in; k) maybe.
    …In retrospect this question could have been phrased a little better.
  6. Write a multi-paragraph essay analyzing the impact of the rise of militarism and the Second World War on the lives of European women during the period from 1930 to 1950.
    Many of you didn’t even turn in an answer to this one! This information is vital to improving your reading experience on Obscure! Remember, I’m doing this all for you! And for European History 105! Uh, but not really for that. Um, I- this- as I was saying, the few of you who did turn in an answer should really have kept in mind that, even though you were sending it over the internet, an essay should not contain such lexicographical elements as “lol,” “kxthbai,” or “stfu.”
  7. I don’t remember taking this poll! What are you talking about “the reader poll [you] conducted a few weeks ago?”
    Why did I put this question in the survey? Come to think of it, I don’t even remember writing this poll. Hmm.

Well, that wraps up this edition of the reader poll. I gained some valuable insight into how my readers feel about my writing, and an article for this week, while you, the reader, gained a loss of time. I’ll be sure to put your suggestions into practice, by ignoring them, and you will reap the benefits in the form of COOKIES FOR EVERYONE! …Did it work? Are there cookies for everyone? I figure if I do that enough times, one of these days it’ll come true. Anyway, feel free to not send me any comments on my writing anymore. I got my fill from this poll. Well, unless you’re not imaginary. Then you can say what you want, since I haven’t heard from you yet. Now get out of my face!

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  1. You did not actually incorporate any of the reader comments. This whole post was useless. You may as well not have written it. Many of us wish you didn’t.

  2. Ben, you always start the comments off with a bad one from yourself, which I think is meant to confound or at least appease naysayers. I don’t think this is healthy. If you feel you are too fragile for rejection, then this job is just what you need! You face the public domain with anonymity! All tomatoes stop short of striking your real life person, as if you are protected by a mystical force field. Anyway get ready, because here it comes: You suck. Taste it Ben. Bitterness is actually valued in some foods!

  3. I like the article. It was at the same time informative and completely ridiculous. It really takes a skilled writer to combine those two well. Although I guess it was less informative and more completely ridiculous. Which could either take a slightly skilled writer or someone from the insane asylum. In that case I want to say I hope you are never released because of the damage you would cause the world with your writing, Loon!

  4. i just realized all the comments from question 2 are your own comments on your own articles, which means that you tore up every article you ever wrote, unless you meant tore up like bad-mouthed, cus i thought you meant physically tore up, but now i see i was mistaken, so disregard this whole thing. disregard it! on that note, finish writing your article for this week and post it, your punctuality inspired me to be punctual, but i don’t know if i can anymore

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