OP: Because You Can’t Find It Anywhere Else

I guess you’re all breathlessly waiting for the latest issue of the Cornell Lunatic. Well, it’s here. Online. Check it… out. At here. I mean, I did.

I totally forgot, the new issue (PDF, SFW, SASE) has been up for a few weeks.  Don’t judge.

Not to overshadow Stamm’s post or anything, but I’m so glad I finally found this commercial online:

I’ve been looking for this for a while!

It’s often said that there are no original ideas in Hollywood.  In fact, it’s been said so often that saying it again is completely unoriginal at this point.  But this time, it’s different.  This time I’ve got evidence.  The following is a list of all the sequels, remakes, and adaptations coming out over the next few years.  Peruse at your own risk:

• The Final Destination – I know we’ve already been over this, but putting “the” in front of your movie title doesn’t change the meaning at all.  Regardless, this movie looks like the shit!
• Halloween II – Is this a remake of Halloween II from 1981, or a sequel to Halloween from 2007?  They should’ve just called this The Halloween.
• 9 – A feature-length remake of an eleven minute short film.  I think that means it will be 9 times worse.
• Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs – OK, this just looks terrible.  Forecast: crappy with a chance of bad reviews.
• Fame – The original Fame came out in 1980.  So did every actor who appeared in it.
• Toy Story 3-D and Toy Story 2 3-D Double Feature – These titles are very confusing.  Are either of these movies Toy Story 3?
• The Road – How many of you liked No Country For Old Men?  How many of you liked it enough to see this other movie adapted from a book by the same author that is in a completely different genre and style?  That’s definitely not enough of you to justify describing this movie as “highly anticipated” – ObscurePorn.com.
• Where the Wild Things Are – Let me remind you that the book from which this movie is adapted is only ten sentences long.  I guess they just talk really slowly in the movie.  Anyway, your childhood memories are about to be warped forever and you will never get them back.
• Astro Boy – If only anyone cared about Astro Boy.  I mean, let’s be honest, he’s no Speed Racer.
• Saw VI – The fact that this series is already six movies long is less impressive when you consider that they are all the same movie.
• A Christmas Carol – From the director of The Polar Express and Beowulf comes the adventure of several lifetimes.  Ooooooooo!  I am the Ghost of the Uncanny Valley!  Beware of releasing this movie!  So anyway, these movies are extensively motion-captured, right?  Then how does Jim Carrey look 5000 years old in this?  Did they put prosthetics on him and then motion-capture that?
• Fantastic Mr. Fox – Not having read the original book by Roald Dahl, I can’t tell if this will suffer in the translation to film.  OK, it will.
• New Moon – This is a sequel, an adaptation, a sequel to an adaptation, and an adaptation of a sequel.  Is that a category at the Oscars?
• Nine – OK so, this has no relation to that other movie 9, besides their presence on this list.  This is an adaptation of a Broadway musical.  That Broadway musical is an adaptation of a stage play.  That stage play is inspired by the movie 8 1/2.  So it’s taken us 46 years to move forward a half-step.  Look for Nine and a Third in 2040!
• The Princess and the Frog – Yeah, you forgot about this fairy tale, didn’t you!  Probably because it’s the only one with a black heroine, you racist!  Disney is not racist.  They remember.
• The Lovely Bones – This book was all the rage in eighth grade.  Peter Jackson likes directing movies.  I can’t think of a better match for an adaptation.
• Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel – Everyone loved the first movie.  That’s why they made a second one.  That’s how it works.  This one features a really creepily sexualized female chipmunk.  Other than that it’s nothing like Ice Age 3.
• Sherlock Holmes – Robert Downey Jr. is Sherlock Holmes.  This has no relation to that other movie coming out soon, in which Sacha Baron Cohen is Sherlock Holmes.  This one stars Jude Law as Will Ferrell and is produced by Ritchie Apatow.  Don’t get confused.
• Tekken – There’s a Tekken movie?!  With James Franco as Hwoarang?! (Am I pronouncing that right?)  It’s not that weird that this exists, what with the current craze for adapting video games into movies, it’s just weird that I haven’t heard about it.
• The Legend Of Spyro 3D – There’s a Spyro movie?!  With Elijah Wood as Spyro?!  It’s weird that this exists.
• Hoodwinked 2: Hood vs. Evil – OK first of all, that is a terrible pun.  Also this movie series is essentially just a worse version of Shrek.  It’s like Shrek the Third.
• The Wolfman – This is a remake of one of those old Universal monster movies.  Actually, the title has been changed from the original The Wolf Man, and that’s just one of the many huge changes they’re making to update this movie for contemporary audiences.  Another example is that instead of being about a vicious man-eating beast, the new movie is about a mild-mannered accountant named Howard Wolfman who turns into an actuary when a full moon is out.
• Alice in Wonderland – Disney has adapted Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland before, but not like this!  This time it’s directed by Tim Burton, who did so well with his other adaptation of a children’s book, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.  Only white makeup enthusiasts need apply.
• Clash of the Titans – A remake of a retelling of literally thousands-of-years-old myths.  There is no possible way they could add anything to the story; it, like anyone upon whom the Gorgon Medusa’s gaze rests, is set in stone.  That just leaves the visual effects to be updated.  But how can you improve on stop motion?
• MacGruber – A movie adaptation of a parody of a TV show.  I guess Hollywood is really making use of the materials it has at hand.
• Wall Street 2 – Greed is good.  Clearly Oliver Stone has learned that lesson.  This movie has the opportunity to provide a scathing commentary on the factors that led to the current economic Seasonal Affective Disorder, but more likely it will just provide a scathing commentary on Michael Douglas’s acting ability.
• A Nightmare on Elm Street – Jeez guys, horror films aren’t that complicated.  If you really wanted to make a movie about a guy invading people’s dreams, you could just do it, and I don’t think anyone would care that it’s the same plot as A Nightmare on Elm Street.  There’s no need to do a “reboot.”  Anyway, this movie stars Rorschach from Watchmen as Freddy Krueger, meaning that the Batman voice will be haunting your nightmares well through 2010.
• Iron Man 2 – Iron Man… Iron Man… doesn’t ring a bell… is this about a maid?  Why would anyone want to see that?  Why would enough people want to see it that there’s a sequel?
• Robin Hood – Robin Hood?  Robin Hood?!  Are you serious?  This story has been told eight million times!  We don’t need to hear it again!  Especially not from Russell Crowe!  I have an idea, let’s release another movie a week after this one starring Robert Downey Jr. as Robin Hood.  And then maybe another one with Sacha Baron Cohen a week later.  And then maybe they can all cross over and kill each other and we can be done with this.
• Shrek Forever After – I don’t know why they changed the title from Shrek Goes Fourth.  Shrek Forever After just gives the impression that this series will never end.  Uh, that’s not why they changed it, is it?
• Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time – This video game lends itself very well to a movie adaptation, because anytime a scene needs more than one take, it’s embracing the central conceit of the game.  Unfortunately for the theatergoers, that means that we have to sit there and watch while the director says “oh, hang on, that’s not right,” and shoots the scene again.  I don’t know about you, but I’m psyched!  Wait, that’s not right.  I meant “this looks terrible!”
• Sex and the City 2 – If you really had enough material for two movies, why did you stop making the TV show?  It was pretty easy to avoid Sex and the City when it was just on some cable channel no one got, but it’s not so easy when Sarah Jessica Parker’s face is taking up an entire movie screen.  Anyway, it’s clear that this movie should have been titled 2 Sex 2 City.
• Marmaduke – Ahahaha why?!?!?  I guess Marmaduke has never been more relevant than he is in 2009.  Or maybe the technology just hasn’t been good enough until now to provide the sense of visceral terror that should accompany Marmaduke’s gnashing teeth and horrible growl.  The only good that can come out of this movie is that maybe it  will finally convince the industry that America is ready for Mary Worth: The Movie.
• The A Team – Does it star Mr. T?  No?  Then I don’t care.
• Get Him to the Greek – This is, if you can believe it, a spin-off of Forgetting Sarah Marshall.  Remember that annoying British character you were supposed to hate?  Now you can look forward to an entire movie about him!
• The Kung Fu Kid – A remake of The Karate Kid starring Jackie Chan and Will Smith’s kid?  Why didn’t anyone think of this before?  By the way, do you think Jaden Smith actually wanted to be a movie star, or was Happyness^TM forced on him?
• Footloose – Footloose!  Footloose!  Something something something footloose!  Watching this movie will be as painful as losing your foot.  Or is that “loosing”?
• Toy Story 3 – No “D”?  Where’s the “D”?  The missing “D” is for “disappointing.”
• Eclipse – Oh my God, another friggin’ Twilight movie?  How many books are there in this series?  45?  I’m guessing this one is about vampires.
• The Last Airbender – I wonder if they took the “Avatar” out of the title of the anime to avoid confusion with that James Cameron movie.  Avoiding confusion can’t have been the main goal, though, since they hired  M. Night Shyamalan to be the director.
• Predators – Guys, you already made a sequel called Predator 2 nineteen years ago.  It’s too late to do Predators.  I really wish this method of sequel-titling would be applied to more movies, though.  I would be excited to see The Thing: Plural in 2011.
• The Green Hornet – It all becomes clear: Pineapple Express was created just to prepare America to accept Seth Rogen as an action hero.  That’s already weird enough, but I had totally forgotten that this is directed by Michel Gondry!  The fighting in this movie will be entirely dream-based.
• The Sorcerer’s Apprentice – An entire movie based on that one segment from Fantasia wherein Mickey is a shitty wizard.  More disturbingly, this is live-action, produced by Jerry Bruckheimer, and starring Nicholas Cage!  He would look good with giant circular ears, now that I think about it.
• Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore – I know what you’re thinking: this is indescribably stupid.  But really, the original Cats & Dogs was ahead of its time.  Now that America’s obsession with cute animals has been reinforced by countless YouTube videos, it’s the perfect time for a comeback.  This will suck anyway.
• Step Up 3-D – Oh, here’s the “D.”  This will probably be a step up from High School Musical 3.  Is that true?  D.
• Resident Evil: Afterlife – After your life ends, there is still this Resident Evil movie.  That way when you come back as a zombie, you know what you’re supposed to do.
• Red Dawn – Wasn’t the plot of the original movie heavily focused on the Cold War?  As in, it was entirely about the Cold War?  A “war” that ended almost twenty years ago?  Twenty years before this remake comes out?  Your Honor, I object: leading questions!
• A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas – I could’ve sworn that Kal Penn had something more important to be doing these days.  I guess not.  I plan to have something more important to be doing on November 5, 2010 than watching this movie.
• Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I – You just had to do it, didn’t you?  This series was already going to be seven movies long, and then you had to go and split the last one into two parts.  What’s the next one going to be, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II – The Beginning?  And then Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Go To Hawaii?  Troubling.
• The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader – This movie series based on a long-winded seven-part book series, on the other hand, is just getting started.  Has anyone else written seven books and wants to adapt them into a movie?  Consider not doing that.
• Kick-Ass – Most people will be unfamiliar with this one, but this is actually based on a comic book that published literally four issues before the movie deal was signed, and is now basically on indefinite hiatus until after the movie is released.  So next time you create something, just bury it in the ground immediately before it gets turned into a movie.  This includes things like a new mix of fruit to put in your cereal.
• The Smurfs – The Smurfs.  The fuckin’ Smurfs.  In CGI, of course.  This will be smurferrible.
• Gulliver’s Travels – Starring Jack Black.  No word yet as to why.
• Rapunzel – Yeah, yeah, it’s another Disney fairy tale movie.  Whatever.  I’ve always wondered, though, is that long hair a metaphor for something?  Rapunzel’s longing to have her story made into a movie?  Hmm?  Hmm?  Did I say I wondered that?  I meant the Disney executives.
• Tron Legacy – I’m pretty sure the only legacy of Tron is being one of the first films to use computer graphics extensively and then being declared ineligible for the Academy Award for Best Visual Effects because that was considered “cheating.”  Wait, that’s not interesting.  I meant, I’m pretty sure the only legacy of Tron is being a really sucky movie!!
• Stretch Armstrong – This is the most transparent case of opportunistically jumping on a successful trend of any movie on this list.  It’s like, Transformers and G.I. Joe did really well, so I’m sure a movie based on the first toy that pops into my head, especially one that hasn’t entered anyone else’s brain in thirty years, will be equally successful!  Who can we get to write it?  How about the first guy who pops into my head?  Nope, Elmo is a fictional character, let’s get the Thumb Wars guy instead.  Holy crap.
• Spider-Man 4 – Yup, it’s happening.  Still not sure why it’s not called Shrek Goes Fourth, though.
• Thor – It’s the thor movie.  Movie number thor.  Shrek Goes Thorf.  I don’t know.
• The Hangover 2 – OK, so in this one, Doug, Alan, Phil, and Stu have a fifth friend who’s getting married, so they throw him a bachelor party, but when they wake up the next morning, they’re being human trafficked!  And they have no idea how it happened!
• Kung Fu Panda: The Kaboom of Doom – Wow, the second movie on this list to have “Kung Fu” in the title.  And the twenty-second to have “the” in the title.  How unoriginal can you get?
• Green Lantern – I know it’s been said a million times by now, but Ryan Reynolds already played Deadpool!  And a character in Blade: Trinity!  Why does this guy play so many comic book characters!  Having Ryan Reynolds play a comic book character is so unoriginal by now.
• Cars 2 – I’ve always thought that Cars had the most unoriginal name out of all the Pixar movies.  What better way to name a sequel than to put the number 2 after it?
• Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II – UNORIGINAL UNORIGINAL UNORIGINAL
• The First Avenger: Captain America – Does that title come off as a little awkward to anyone else?  Shouldn’t it be Captain America: The First Avenger?  Is this a set-up for The Second Avenger: Ant-Man or something?  The Firsts Avenger?  (Can you imagine if this movie was about a guy who went around murdering people who put “first” on website comments sections?  “That is why they call me… The First Avenger!”)
• The Adventures of Tintin: Secret of the Unicorn – Spoiler alert: the secret is that this whimsical comic book series should never have been made into a movie.
• The Hobbit – Somehow this book is requiring two movies to be properly adapted.  And here I thought hobbits were supposed to be shorter than regular people!  Rimshot
• Get Smart 2 – Oh c’mon, the first one wasn’t even good.  And the fact that it isn’t titled Get Smarter, or even Get Smart Again, shows that the second one won’t be either.  This is just 2 smart 2 get me 2 the movie theater.
• The Rest – Marvin the Martian, Happy Feet 2, Bourne 4, Deadpool, Men in Black III, Terminator V, Bond 23, Mission Impossible IV, Rambo V, Sinatra, The Lone Ranger, Star Trek Sequel, Indiana Jones 5, Ghost Rider 2, Wanted 2, National Treasure 3, The Lorax, Puss in Boots: Story of an Ogre Killer, The Avengers, Madagascar 3, Pirates of the Caribbean 4, Transformers 3, Saw VII, Beverly Hills Cop IV, Ghostbusters III, The Jetsons, X-Men Origins: Wolverine 2, Anchorman 2, Chronicles of Riddick Sequel, Constantine 2 – These are all movies that don’t have their own Wikipedia page, either because they don’t totally exist yet, or are still in pre-production, or are just too awful to think about.  If you add up all the numbers in the titles of the movies just in this segment of the list, you get 88, which is just shy of the numbers of times I wanted to kill myself while making this list.

Have you noticed this list is horrifyingly long?  And yet, is it such a bad thing to want more of something we enjoyed the first time?  To take comfort in the familiarity of a proven quantity?  What are you, stupid?  Of course it is!  You haven’t learned anything from the past four hours, or however long it took you to read this list!  Forget it.  Enjoy the sequel to this list in 2010.

Shit!  I’m turning 20 years old this week and I haven’t accomplished anything on my List of Things to Accomplish Before Turning 20 Years Old.  (It’s like a Bucket List, except it’s just my youth that’s dying.)  I had completely forgotten about this list until the other day when I was going through some of my records.  It was a little hard to read because it’s so old, but I deciphered it and transcribed it for you:

• Ride in a hot air balloon – I regret to say that I have not yet done this.
• Take candy from a baby – Everyone says this is really easy, but I haven’t been able to pull it off yet.  It’s hard to even find a baby with candy, you know?  I mean, who gives candy to a baby and then just leaves them there unattended?  And it’s not like babies can just buy candy on their own!  At this point it would be easier to just obtain a baby for myself, give candy to it, and then immediately take it back.
• Turn 21 years old – Scientists tell me that this is still at least one year away.  Yeah, tell that to my list, guys!
• Get rejected from Cornell University – OK, it’s like I was trying to fail at everything on this list.
• Go over the list and make sure I’ve done everything on it – At least I’m actively working on this one.
• Own a house – I am so behind on this one.  I don’t even own a mouse!
• Own a mouse – Dammit!
• FREE SPACE – Oh, that was nice of me.  So that’s one down.
• Fulfill my destiny – Whatever I’m doing right now,  I was destined to do it.  So actually I think I can cross this one off the list.
• Write an article for ObscurePorn.com – History will judge this one.
• Dress up as Spider-Man for Halloween – Yes!  Done!  Although, I’m pretty sure I made this list after October 31, 1996, so I don’t know why I would put something on there that I had already done.  Maybe I wanted to do it again?  In which case, no, I have not accomplished this.
• Kill a man – Uh, yeah, dang, another thing I, uh, haven’t accomplished.  You’ll never find evidence of me doing this… which is because I haven’t done it.
• Climb the ten tallest mountains in the world – Let’s see, I’ve done Everest, K2, Kangchenjunga, Lhotse, Makalu, Cho Oyu, Dhaulagiri I, Manaslu, and Nanga Parbat… dammit, that’s only nine!  Whatever, Annapurna I sucks anyway.
• Die – I’ll do that another day.  I don’t feel too bad about leaving this one unfinished.
• Get it – What?  I don’t get it.  Oh- dammit!
• Bing and Decide – …it’s not worth it.
• Have more than 17 things on this list – I’m such a failure that I can’t even think of enough things for myself to fail at?!

Well, it’s safe to say I’m not the person I thought I was going to be when I made this list.  Though to be honest, one week is not very much time to accomplish all these things.  Wait – hold on a second – this isn’t my List of Things to Accomplish Before Turning 20 Years Old, it’s my grocery list!  Here’s my LoTtABT2YO:

• One dozen eggs – Done.
• Stick of butter – Done.
• One watermelon – Done.
• Box of waffles – Done.
• Cheerios – Done.
• Leave a lasting impact on civilization – Shit!

Attentive readers may have noticed the appearance of a new Twitter sidebar on this otherwise flawless website.  We’re having management look into it; hopefully it’s not indicative of a larger problem with our servers.  We’ll get back to you as soon as more information becomes available.

It’s not all bad news today, though.  I am proud to announce the debut of the official Obscure Porn Twitter!  You can subscribe at www.twitter.com/obscureporn.  It will be your up-to-the-minute source for all news obscure and pornographic, and possibly neither.  Our correspondents are working around the clock to provide you with the latest coverage of them working around the clock.  You don’t want to miss this.  Starring Brad Pitt and Kate Hudson, with Eric Hysen as the gnome who sells them weed.

To Whom It May Concern:

Vince Agard is a 90-year old bear who lives in a cave near MIT.  I would trust him with my, and several freshmen’s, lives.  Just as long as they’re not coated in honey.  However, if they are coated in honey, could you please send them over to my place instead?  My honeyjar is already about half-empty.  But anyway, back to Vince, the great thing about him is that he would probably say that my honeyjar is half-full of delicious honey for him to eat.  Admittedly, he does talk about honey a little too much, but that’s only in this recommendation.  Yeah, he’s writing this- I mean, I’m writing this, but we’re essentially the same person.  This is why I would trust him not only to guard my life, but also to live it.  In conclusion, it’s hard to overstate the importance of hiring Vince for this position.  OK, it’s not that hard, I mean I could just say something like “not hiring Vince is the leading cause of death in the Northeast.”  That sounds like hyperbole, and it is, but what isn’t hyperbole is that Vince is the leading cause of honey-related injuries in this letter.  And if that doesn’t qualify him to lead an expedition up Mt. Dew, then I don’t know what does.  Well, maybe some mountain-climbing expertise would help.  But I’m pretty sure he’s got that too- what bear doesn’t?

Vince Agard for Class Treasurer 2009,
Ben Strauss

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Jackson, Bruce Willis, Die Hard, DieHard batteries, assault and battery, salt and pepper, Anthony Caine, Horatio Caine, Horatio Sanz, Horatio Hornblower, Mr. Fantastic, Mr. Incredible, Pixar, Disney, Greg Disney, Walt Disney, Robot Chicken, Seth Green, Kermit the Frog, Green Bay Packers, Super Bowl I, jet pack, petjack, Jack in the Box, Sonic Burger, NYU, Nick Wolf, lupus, Lupe Fiasco, fiesta, Tostitos, Doritos, Frito-Lay, Ken Lay, Kendall Square, square inches, square dance, Dance Dance Revolution, Guitar Hero, Rock Band, vagee, G-Unit, 50 Cent, JFK, the moon, you, you, sheep, Mattress Discounters, recount, Al Gore, An Inconvenient Truth, global warming, greenhouse gases, natural gas, natural hair color, the barbershop, one of those rotating candy-cane-looking poles, Mr. Mint, Peppermint Pattie, Thin Mints, Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, Cub Scouts, cubby, Cully Vale, basketball karate, foul shot, photo shot, Photoshop, candy shop, Sour Patch Kids, Swedish Fish, Swedish Chef, Swedish meatballs, IKEA, furniture, fur coat, paint coat, paintbrush, hairbrush, Hairspray, John Travolta, Battlefield Earth, Battlestar Galactica, bears, chinchilla, double chin, double cheeseburger, double play, triple play, playground, four square, fork, spoon, spork, knife, machete, Grindhouse, House of the Rising Sun, The Animals, the zoo, panda, Kung Fu Panda, Jack Black, blackjack, Stars and Stripes, The White Stripes, zebra, zebra cake, Little Debbie, Li’l Bow Wow, Like Mike, microphone, headphone, Fone Bone, T-Bone, T-Rex, Utahraptor, Mormons, the Mormon Temple, Temple University, Ben and Vince University, University of Maryland, Ms. Tubman, Harriet Tubman, bathtub, tubgirl, cup chicks, chicken fingers, Denver Nuggets, Denver Colorado, Denver Broncos, bucking bronco, white Ford Bronco, ford the river, die of dysentery, disinterested, interest rates, subprime mortgage, prime number, ready for primetime, Deion Sanders, Colonel Sanders, Cap’n Crunch, Crunch bar, crunch time, Time to Remember, Hallmark, magic marker, Sharpie, p-value, Chizzart, art class, painting, graffiti, shoefitti, Shoes, feet, meat, vegetables, coma, Terri Schiavo, Bill Frist, Eleanor Holmes Norton, Eleanor Roosevelt, Theodore Roosevelt, San Juan Hill, Cuban cigar, cigarette, hookah, Captain Hook, Peter Pan, Tiger Lily, Tiger Woods, Arnold Palmer, Arnold Schwarzenegger, California, cheese, Provolone, mozzarella, Ella Fitzgerald, Fitzgerald Auto Mall, Otto the dog from Beetle Bailey, Sarge, SARS, bird flu, Flunitrazepam, flash in the pan, The Flash, The Human Torch, The Thing, Michael Chiklis, The Shield, The Glass Shield, The Ledo Pizza Glass-Enclosed Nerve Center, square, cube, Cube Zero, zero tolerance, absolute zero, Kelvin, Kevin, inside, outside, out of the box, Target Practice, Soccer Practice, track practice, laugh track, The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Infoflow, It’s Tricky, Tricky Dick, the movie Dick, Dick Cavett, Dick Army, Vagina Coast Guard, Vagina Monologues, mono, David Gootenberg, David and Goliath, goal, goalie, Olaf Kolzig, hockey, Stanley Cup, Stan Lee, Spider-Man, Venom, snake bite, Solid Snake, solid-state chemistry, state capital, Annapolis, The Naval Academy, navel oranges, tangerine, clementine, Tiny Tim, Tim He, retarded, Petarded, hoisted by your own petard, the docks, stevedore, Steve Smith, Steve Zahn, the other Steve Smith, Super Bowl XLII, Tom Brady, Brady Bunch, a bunch of flowers, flower child, Unaccompanied Minors, company car, Cars, Pixar, Finding Nemo, Albert Brooks, Mr. Brooks, Mr. Rogers, remote sensing, remote control, RC Cola, Coca-Cola, Pepsi-Cola, Pepsi Twist, Halle Berry, strawberry, kiwi, New Zealand, Australia, Oceania, Ocean Spray, Ocean City, Sacramento California, Mentos, the freshmaker, meet your maker, Midnight Meat Train, the stroke of midnight, stroke of luck, Good Luck Chuck, Goodnight and Good Luck, good afternoon good evening and goodnight, Me Myself and Irene, Renee Zellweger, Ren and Stimpy, Animaniacs, Animorphs, K. A. Applegate, apple cider, apple pie, Apple computer, IBM, Compaq, HP, Dell, Microsoft, Yahoo!, exclamation point, question mark, period, punctuation, Fast Food Nation, Supersize Me, Morgan Spurlock, Morgan Freeman, God, Satan, racecar, oval, ovum, egg, Ann, ant, anthill, Aunt May, Mayberry, Mayflower, Pilgrims, Plymouth Rock, rock opera, Rock Lobster, the beach, sand, Sandman, Metallica, iron, Iron Man, Tony Stark, Tony Siragusa, Tony the Tiger, Frosted Flakes, Frosty the Snowman, Iceman, manatee, sea cow, sea lion, Food Lion, Safeway, Giant, the Jolly Green Giant, green peppers, Pepper Potts, saltshaker, sodium, chloride, chlorine, bleach, white, black, Black & Decker, Arm & Hammer, Armin Rosen, Silver Chips, Golden Grahams, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, I’d like to propose a toast, French toast, French fries, freedom fries, Frylock, Phillip J. Fry, Homer J. Simpson, O.J. Simpson, If I Did It, Here’s How It Happened, The Happening, The Grudge, The Grudge 2, The Ring Two, one ring to rule them all, Clerks II, Jeff Anderson, Morten Andersen, Morton Salt, Chad Morton, Mort Weisinger, Gene Weingarten, genetic engineering, General Motors, Toyota, NASCAR, John Nash, Steve Nash, Steven Spielberg, E.T., IT, It, Stephen King, Burger King, The King, Elvis, The L Word, the kramer, non-dairy creamer, coffee, Cathy, chocolate, AAACK, Tina Fey, The Golden Globes, the golden ticket, might as well kick it, foam ear apparel, foam #1 hands with pointing fingers, the shocker, Electro, electrolytes, Gatorade, G, Georgia, Jordan Turner, Will Turner, Will Smith, Smith & Wesson, Colt .45, Denny Colt, Denny’s, Wendy’s, Dave Thomas, old-fayshioned hamburger, the bidness, bizness, .biz, .tv, .org, .muffin, talking muffin, blueberry muffin, raspberry muffin, banana nut muffin, banana-nut-bread-maker, rye bread, Riley Freeman, Morgan Freeman, Bruce Wayne, Dominic Swain, Dominique Swain, Dominique Dawes, Takoma Park Middle School, Middle English, Old English, English muffin, .egg, egg on my face, ice on my face, the ice age, Steve Buscemi, Fargo, forego, hunger strike, strike zone, in the zone, ESPN Zone, residential zoning, Resident Evil, Resident Evil: Extinction, endangered species, Dangerous Elevators, Dirty Carts, Dirty Jobs, Discovery Channel, Shark Week, Sherman’s Lagoon, the Creature from the Black Lagoon, A Blaffair to Rememblack, Who Dat Ninja, Ninja Gaiden, Ask a Ninja, Ask Amy, Amy Thomas, turtle, don’t eat rocks, hard candy, Jolly Rancher, The Lone Ranger, Justice Guy, Justices League, Supreme Court Justice, Supreme Court Justice keg party, party at Ben’s house, Cupid Shovel, Valentine’s Day, My Bloody Valentine 3D, Spy Kids 3-D, Sin City, The Spirit, Eva Mendes, Hitch, bitch, 5 Second Films, Lance Bass, Lance Armstrong, Neil Armstrong, Arm & Hammer, hammerhead shark, tiger shark, Tiger Woods, Arnold Palmer, Mucho Mango, muchas gracias, Salma Hayek, Selma Alabama, Martin Luther King Jr., Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Joe the Plumber, Sarah Palin, Sarah Plain and Tall, plain M&M’s, airplane, spaceship, space elevator, dangerous space elevators, Mars, Mars Bar, My Favorite Martian, Curtis “My Favorite” Martin, that rap junk, junkyard, prison yard, Prison Break, breakdance, Just Dance, dance party, Republican Party, John McCain, Arizona, Original Brand AriZona Sun-Brewed Ice Tea with Lemon Flavor, sun-dried tomatoes, Tomatometer, tomato sauce, burnsauce, Burn Notice, eviction notice, landlord, manor, mansion, MANswers, termites, porch, Porsche, Saab, cry, Cry Wolf, Nick Wolf, St. Nick, St. Petersburg Florida, Gaithersburg, Maryland, Marilyn Monroe, Marilyn Manson, Hansen, Han Solo, guitar solo, Guitar Hero, Welcome Back Qatar, American Dad!, father of the year, Father of the Bride, Bride of Frankenstein, Young Frankenstein, Young Republicans, Michael Steele, Man of Steel, Terry Labonte, Montoni’s, Tony Soprano, Tony the Tiger, Frosted Flakes, Sugar Smacks, Honeycomb, comb over, bald, bold, italic, Italy, Greece, John Travolta, Samuel L. Jackson, Jackson Mississippi, Jason Campbell, Campbell’s Soup, alphabet soup, Super Bowl, big game bowl, satellite dish, FiOS, Verizon, Comcast, sucks, socks, Red Sox, White Sox, white supremacist, KKK, Special K, special teams, ninja teams, teenz, Caleb Crew, Sexual Caleb, sex on the beach, White Russian, vodka, Pop Champagne, pop music, Michael Jackson, Thriller, Indian Thriller, Ghajini, Slumdog Millionaire, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, The Price Is Right, Whose Line Is It Anyway?, Wheel of Fortune, fortune cookie, sugar cookie, Sugar Ray, ray of light, Ray Romano, Ray Charles, Charles Barkley, Dwyane Wade, Duane Reade, CVS, Rite Aid, Walgreen’s, Walstein, New York Giants, James and the Giant Peach, James Brown, Brown Death, the black plague, malaria, hilarious, Hi and Lois, David and Lois, Peter and Lois, Peter and MJ, Mark and Cherry, Mark and Jess, court jester, The Day the Music Died, Death of a Salesman, English class, English major, Jack Bauer, Jack-in-the-box, Five Guys, Two Guys and a Girl, a izza place, pizza dip, Jerry’s Subs & Pizza, Subway, Jared, Jarhead, Jake Gyllenhaal, Heath Ledger, Christian Bale, bale of hay, Hey Arnold!, CatDog, hot dog, Hot Tamale, Red Hot Chili Peppers, four-alarm chili, four-alarm fire, you’re fired, Donald Trump, Donald Duck, Winnie the Pooh, Piglet, Tigger, Christopher Robin, Hundred Acre Wood, would you like to go to the dance with me?, Dance Dance Revolution, American Revolution, French Revolution, Napoleon, Napoleon Dynamite, Blades of Glory, blade servers, Blade the movie, Blade II, The Sims 2, SimTower, Tower of Terror, Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster, the coast, the ocean, the Arctic Ocean, Antarctica, Auntie Em, Kansas, Sam Brownback, Rod Blagojevich, Rod and Todd Flanders, Ned Flanders, Maude Flanders, Claude Monet, Impressionism, The Illusionist, The Prestige, Michael Caine, Michael Clarke Duncan, Clark Kent, Lois Lane, Lana Lang, Smallville, The CW, Everybody Hates Chris, Everybody Loves Raymond, Raymond Sydnor II, Spider-Man 2, Spider-Man Also, Spider-Man Free, Free Tibet, Free Hat, hat-trick, Patrick, St. Patrick’s Day, Jumping Out the Window, defenestration, penetration, Bic, cigarette lighters, lighter than air, lighter than water, don’t drink the water, Don’t, Werewolf Women of the SS, Nicolas Cage, cage match, regular match, matchbox, Matchbox Twenty, Twenty Questions, 20Q, artificial intelligence, A.I., T.I., Rihanna, Cover Girl, centerfold, the center of the Earth, Brendan Fraser, The Mummy 3, Jet Li, Lee Harvey Oswald, Jack Ruby, Hope Diamond, Finesse Mitchell, Kenan Thompson, Kel Mitchell, All That, Snoopy Too, Woodstock, card stock, stock market, Wall Street, Sesame Street, Oscar the Grouch, The Oscars, SAG Awards, Thieves’ Guild, Robin Hood, Robin Williams, Man of the Year, Wayne Avenue parking garage, scooter chase, Scooter Libby, Dick Cheney, Richard “Tricky Dick” Nixon, Futurama, American Dad!, Stan Smith, Stan Lee, The Amazing Spider-Man, camera, Ritz Camera, Ritz Crackers, saltines, pig paste, pig waste, wasting time, wasting money, wasting gas, fart, heart, Heart of Darkness, Apocalypse Now, Armageddon, The Core, magma, Mad Max, Mel Gibson, racism, Kramer, Jerry Seinfeld, Newman, Paul Newman, Ryan Newman, Ryan Reynolds, Smokin’ Aces, pocket aces, pocket eight ball, 3D Pool, Marco Polo, water polo, polo shirt, regular polo, regular celery, wine cellar, oenology, OED, rhyming dictionary, grammar rap, wrapping paper, Christmas, Jordan Turner, Islam, B.C., The Wizard of Id, Sigmund Freud, cigar, banana, dildo, Dilbert, Zippy the Pinhead, pinball, foosball, soccer, Mia Hamm, emergency ham, emergency exit, Eggspectations, egg on your face, bacon, baking, cookies, Cookie Monster, Avenue Q, Saks Fifth Avenue, the SAC, eggsac, smooth as eggs, Chappelle’s Show, Block Party, building blocks, Legos, Eggo, waffle, Waffle House, IHOP, Pancake House, pan-fried noodles, pho, enemy, Charlie, Charlie’s Angels, Bernie Mac, Mr. 3000, year 2000, Y2K, bug from On the Fastrack, your horoscope, Cancer, AIDS, adult illiteracy, Fantasia, American Idol, Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson, Randy Parker, Peter Parker, Peter Sellers, Mike Sellers, microphone, mike check, roadie, groupie, backstage pass, hall pass, hall sweep, Minesweeper, broom, toothbrush, hairbrush, haircut, Tortoise and the Hare, Shelley, Magic Shell, tragic accident, Unbreakable, M. Night Shyamalan, The Village, The Village People, YMCA, senior act, Born to Be Wild, Idlewild, OutKast, podcast, iPod, Apple, The Beatles, Ringo Starr, John Lennon, lemon lime, sublemonal massages, Sprite, Coke, crack, buttcrack, shuttlecock, space shuttle, Challenger, Columbia, Colombia, Diego, carpe diem, e pluribus unum, Uno the card game, draw two, tuba, tutu, Toto, Kansas, Kansas City Shuffle, Josh Hartnett, Josh Reads, Uncle Lumpy, Uncle Tom, Uncle Sam, Sam Brownback, Brokeback Mountain, Mount Everest, Everest institute, ITT Tech, MC, Harvard on the Pike, regular Harvard, Stanford, Princeton, Prince Charming, Prince Hamlet, Denmark, Deutsche mark, Mark Harding, Canada, hockey, Boston Bruins, The Departed, department store, Sears, Kenmore, claymore, Play-Doh, donut, Krispy Kreme, Crispix, mix tape, tape measure, duct tape, masking tape, rape, grape, Jolly Rancher, The Lone Ranger, Justice Guy, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Philadelphia, The Pursuit of Happyness, Will Smith, Kevin Smith, Kevin Bacon, six degrees of separation, Six Degrees TV show, Show Me The Money, William Shatner, Patrick Stewart, Stuart Little, Little House on the Prairie, Laura Ingalls Wilder, Gene Wilder, Jean Grey, Phoenix, Tucson, Fish On!, Goat In!, write-in candidate, Manchurian Candidate, Denzel Washington, Advent Children, Cloud, rain, reign of terror, Terror Squad, Mod Squad, Thank You for Smoking, J. Jonah Jameson, Daily Bugle, LA Bugle, LA Law, Law & Order, New York City, Statue of Liberty, flea-flicker, Photobucket, The Bucket, Gil Thorp, Gil Grissom, John Grisham, Stephen King, Anne Rice, Anne Heche, Ellen DeGeneres, Ricki Lake, Ricky Bobby, Ron Burgundy, Ronald McDonald, the King, Pocketbike Racer, Xbox, Wii, Nintendo, Sony, Japan, anime, animals, the zoo, Zoolander, Hansel, Gretel, Greta Weber, Peace Village, rest in peace, RIT, MIT, beaver

Carl Justin and Jimmy Justice have been appointed the newest members of the Supreme Court. They really hate each other and they get in a big argument about which one of them is the fairer judge. It turns into a contest decided by the other members of the Supreme Court, and the eventual result is a tie. Carl is dejected so he goes to the Renaissance Faire, one of his favorite things to do. They have an event set up where you can joust a cardboard cutout of a jester that you can move up and down on the horse (to get it at the correct height where you can hit it). Carl does it and barely manages to knock the jester down. The media gets ahold of this whole story, and on the evening news that day, one of the anchors says:

This just in: Justice Justin is just as just as Justice Justice, and is just able to joust the adjustable jester.

Slowly fade in on a park bench. There’s a lot of hustle and bustle going behind and in front of it. As we get closer we see that a strange man is sitting on it. He is kind of just staring off into space in front of him, but his expression is getting more and more distressed. Just as he is about to explode, a kid and his mom walk past quickly and we follow them. It’s clear that we are in a zoo.

Kid- Mommy mommy I wanna see the bear!

Mom (clearly not paying attention)- Mm-hmm.

Kid- Mommy! Did you hear me? I wanna see the bear! (he is jumping up and down a little bit by this point)

Mom- well, I want an abortion, but we can’t always get what we want, can we? Actually, I- I really want to see the bear also. At least that one didn’t take me five years to figure out.

As they are walking, they pass by a cage with a monkey in it, who plunges a knife into the other monkey in the cage. In another cage, we see a cow who says “M-O-O.”

Kid- can I see the bear yet?!

Mom- we’re almost there, aright? And when we get there, could you try to tone it down a little? It’s kind of embarrassing.

They approach the bear section of the zoo. Unfortunately, it’s becoming clear that something is horribly wrong. There are police cars and cops all over the place.

Mom (to closest police officer)- Officer, what’s going on? Are- are we gonna get to see the bear?

Officer- Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to step away from the crime scene.

Mom- Crime? What crime? There’s no crime! I have a license for this child, I swear, I just left it-

Officer- No, it’s not that, it’s- well, take a look for yourself (he motions in a direction).

Mom- wait, didn’t you just say I had to step away?

Officer- Jesus Christ, fine! I was trying to do you a favor! I- I just thought maybe it would make you like me, and then we could like go out sometime? I dunno, it sounds stupid, but-

Mom (obviously a little unnerved)- uh, right, so I’m just gonna look over in this direction-

The crowd parts and a scene comes into view: a cage with the label “BEAR BEAR BEAR BEAR FLYING SQU-” and we can’t see the rest. But, there’s nothing in the cage! And one of the walls of the cage is violently torn open from the inside. Cut back to Mom.

Mom (very distressed)- Oh no… this situation is unbearable!

Kid (disgusted)- Sometimes, I can barely stand to be with you.

Officer- I bear witness to the fact that you both are fuckin’ retards.

Mom- look, I’m sick of bearing the brunt of your insults!

Officer- too bad, you’re just gonna have to grin and bear it.

Kid- Mom, you’re really doing the bare minimum as a parent here.

Mom- well, it’s hard! There are a lot of barriers for working moms!

Officer- yeah, but still! I mean, look at this kid’s clothes! They’re completely threadbare!

Mom- well, we’re kind of poor, OK? I had to make them with my bare hands!

Officer- but you’re not even providing the bare necessities.

Kid- yeah, I might as well be one of those old timey characters wearing a barrel!

Mom- look, I apologize, but if you’ll just bear with me, I’ll-

Kid- no! I wish you were dead and buried!

Officer (to Kid)- well you know, you would have to be a pallbearer in that situation.

Mom (to Kid)- how can you say that?! You make it sound like I’m some nasty old barracuda!

Officer- well you know what they say: it takes one to know a bear! (They all stare at him.) …What?

At this point the strange man from the beginning walks by and stares in shock at the mangled cage. After a few seconds, he starts to walk away and we follow him. It seems as though he is walking faster but then it becomes clear that the film is just speeding up. We follow him as he exits the zoo, walks a few blocks, enters an apartment building, walks up three flights of stairs, and enters his apartment. He does some stuff that we can’t really see cause the film is so fast, and eventually goes to sleep. We watch him sleep and then wake up in the morning and go into his kitchen to eat breakfast. By the end, the film is going really fast, but as he goes into the kitchen it suddenly goes back to normal. He has two roommates that are also eating breakfast. He sits down at the table and picks up the newspaper. On the front is a big headline: “The Bear Escapes From the Zoo.” He leafs through the paper for a little while, then shakes his head. Throughout this scene, the headline is visible in the bottom half of the screen.

Man- I can’t believe what happened with that bear!

Roommate #1- I know, pretty crazy.

A medium-length pause.

Man (forcefully)- Guys, I think we should find that bear.

Roommate #2- …What?

Man- Yeah! I really think we should do it!

Roommate #1- Why, is there a reward or something?

Man- No, I just think we should do it!

Roommate #1 (glances at Roommate #2)- Uh, I don’t know about that. It sounds like a lot of effort.

The man looks down at his paper again. Short pause.

Roommate #2 (to Roommate #1)- Hey, did you finish painting that corpse?

Roommate #1 (lifts an arm out from under the table)- Yeah, almost, I just have to do the arms-

Man (slamming his fist down on the table)- Guys, we have to find that bear!

Roommate #1- Wha- dude, you’re like obsessed with that bear!

Man- What are you talking about?

Roommate #1- I’m just saying, you keep bringing it up!

Man- Well yeah, cause, I mean… (Pause)

Roommate #2- …What? What is it?

Remember we still see the headline in the bottom of the screen.

Man (hesitantly at first)- Well, cause… (now forcefully) Because (as he says these last four words they appear in the air above the headline) THIS BEAR IS AWESOME!

Animated titles. Something cool involving a bear, I don’t know. At the end, we pull away to show that it was playing on a projector screen. The man is standing next to the screen pointing at it with a pointer.

Man- And if that extensively researched Powerpoint presentation doesn’t convince you, nothing will.

Cut to the two roommates sitting in chairs looking dubious.

Roommate #2- …Really? You thought Powerpoint was the best way to convince us?

Roommate #1- You could’ve at least had some wacky transitions or something.

Man- OK FINE NOTHING WILL. I’ll just go find the bear myself.

Roommate #1 (pointing)- He’s right there.

Man (whirling around)- Aah! (He realizes what’s happened.) No, that’s the Powerpoint I just showed you! That’s just a picture of a bear.

Roommate #1- I wasn’t talking about that, I was talking about the bear that’s right there! (pointing again)

Man (jumps)- Aah! Oh my god, it’s him! That’s the bear! Right outside on the fire escape! (we don’t actually see it; we’re still looking at the man.) Get him!

He charges toward the window but doesn’t open it so he just bonks into it and falls down.

Man- Dammit! He got away! What was he doing here anyway though? Suspicious… damned suspicious… almost too suspicious… (we zoom in on his worried face as dramatic music plays and the screen fades to black.)

END OF ACT I (of several)