Because you can't find it anywhere else

Category: Opinion

Fuck You Cracked Dot Com

I’ve been reading articles from http://www.cracked.com for a while now.  I’ve been wanting to write a pissed off rant about http://www.cracked.com for a (significantly shorter but still pretty long) while now.  I never got around to doing so because I have neither the patience nor the skill to do my rant justice, but honestly I just can’t take it anymore, so here’s the quick and poorly written version of my biggest Cracked-related complaint:

Cracked, stop fucking referencing Star Wars in every fucking article you post.

The last movie, Episode 3, came out 5 years ago and nobody cared about it even then.  The last movie your writers actually liked, Episode 6, came out in 1983.  That’s almost 30 years ago, a decade older than a large portion of your readership.  You can compare things in your articles to things that aren’t Star Wars.  It is okay.  You are allowed.

For lack of a better transition, here is an example of an article with too many goddamn Star Wars mentions.  For those of you who are lazy, that article is a list of five reasons Hollywood needs to stop making prequels.  Of the five reasons, four of them mention Star Wars!  Four!  Out of five!  That is too many times!

“But George,” you say, “that article is about shitty prequels and Star Wars had the shittiest of prequels!  His examples are apt!”  Fine, you’re right.  Star Wars references made the article boring and repetitive, but at least there is some tiny nugget of logic and reason behind it all.  However, I would like to point you to this.  Specifically, item 2, where the author explains that there is no mystery behind Stonehenge or the Pyramids being built.  He says “for one, the Egyptians actually used independent contractors just like the Empire did when they built the Second Death Star.”  Take a second and let that sink in.  Who the fuck was the author writing for?  Is there anyone in the universe who would possibly read “the Egyptians actually used independent contractors,” was unsure of the author’s meaning, read the comparison to Star fucking Wars and finally understood?

I submit that no, there is not and has never been anyone in the entire universe who read “the Egyptians actually used independent contractors,” was unsure of the author’s meaning and needed a comparison to Star fucking Wars to finally understand.

Recommendation for Vince [redacted]

To Whom It May Concern:

Vince █████ is a 90-year old bear who lives in a cave near MIT.  I would trust him with my, and several freshmen’s, lives.  Just as long as they’re not coated in honey.  However, if they are coated in honey, could you please send them over to my place instead?  My honeyjar is already about half-empty.  But anyway, back to Vince, the great thing about him is that he would probably say that my honeyjar is half-full of delicious honey for him to eat.  Admittedly, he does talk about honey a little too much, but that’s only in this recommendation.  Yeah, he’s writing this- I mean, I’m writing this, but we’re essentially the same person.  This is why I would trust him not only to guard my life, but also to live it.  In conclusion, it’s hard to overstate the importance of hiring Vince for this position.  OK, it’s not that hard, I mean I could just say something like “not hiring Vince is the leading cause of death in the Northeast.”  That sounds like hyperbole, and it is, but what isn’t hyperbole is that Vince is the leading cause of honey-related injuries in this letter.  And if that doesn’t qualify him to lead an expedition up Mt. Dew, then I don’t know what does.  Well, maybe some mountain-climbing expertise would help.  But I’m pretty sure he’s got that too- what bear doesn’t?

Vince █████ for Class Treasurer 2009,
Ben Strauss

Time to Face Facts

This site is dead. I know, it sucks. it had such potential. Well, not really.

We kind of went in the wrong direction from our original idea of a site based entirely off of the traffic from people looking for creepy fetish pornography. Not that we get much of a direction with that base, but it also gives us the freedom to write about anything we want.

But somehow, even with an audience that expects nothing and no restrictions we managed to fuck this up. Here are the problems we have, as I see them:

  • A Terrible Layout: Sorry Hysen, but this layout truly is awful. It dies going toward the right, it is ugly busy, and really just looks like one of the template site designs from Microsoft Front Page 2000. It makes me not want to visit the site. I do like the purple and white, however. It just wasn’t implemented well. This link gives a pretty straightforward tutorial for making a nice layout, but I’m not Photoshop savvy enough to get past step 6.
  • No Recurring Authors: All of the writers who used to write now just, well, don’t. I don’t understand why people decided to hold themselves to deadlines and schedules. No one fucking cares that your article came out a day late. Just write. It’s entertaining when it comes. We aren’t thinking about it when it’s not there.

So.
Ben, start writing again. I don’t care how often.
Eric, I expect your opinion of political conditions because we are in the middle of what could be the next big anal penetration for America. Also tell me who to vote for, and why other people are dumb.
Cole, this may only be for me and a select few, but tell me what is going on in the tech world.
Shaggy, i dunno man, just do what you do.
Stamm, quotes if you must, or write some original content. Superheroes? Ben is working on the talk show, so the topic is open for you.
Hyder, stocks.
Nick, you are our bbc.
Pawel, write about being lazy.
Vadis, I heard yo expressed interest in actually reviewing weird porn. Go for it

Also, if anyone wants to do anything else or not do anything at all, go ahead. This is for our own entertainment anyway. If the site stays dead, it’s a shame. We have too many good people.

The Great Comparison

The Translocator: The translocator was originally created by the Liandri Mining Corporation to allow the workers to be able to escape in the event of a cave in. The translocator is a disc, that fits into a launcher and can be launched in for a great distance in any direction.

Pros: This gun can be fire fired anywhere, and with a little clever use of physics can allow the user to a very wide range of transport. As the translocator forcibly places the person in the area of the disc, anything else that is there is vaporized. This makes the translocator a somewhat unique weapon.  The translocator can be opened anywhere (in midflight, under water, in a teleport, etc..), allowing the user to hop around quickly.

Cons: The translocator can only be used by the person wielding it, and it is a one way trip. To get back, the disc must be relaunched. The translocator has a terrible aversion to a person carrying a flag while using it. It looks ugly as all hell.

The Portal Gun: The portal gun is a hand held device produced by the Aperture Science Center. This gun can fire two “portals”, one orange and one blue, that open a gateway between each other. It can pick up and carry objects.

Pros: After the portal ends are set, anything and anyone can go through them. Single ends of the portal can be manipulated independently of each other, which coupled with the fact momentum of objects is conserved through the portal, allows the user to propel themselves wherever they please (this of course, takes a certain amount of skill and a high tolerance for pain). It is aesthetically appealing

Cons: Because the portal gun is so contrary to our perception of physics,  it is very easy to mess up while using it. VERY EASY. The user has to have a visible line between them and the desired portal position, which makes portal placement limited. In addition, the portal itself is a passive and nonviolent entity, even though it could be used indirectly for violent purposes (such as dropping blocks on people, making them fall until they reach terminal velocity and catch fire, launching them into the sun, etc..).

Author’s choice:  Both? I don’t know they both have their purposes, and having a translocator I could fire through a portal would be sweet.

Someone's Compensating for Something

I love stories like this one. No, not because I’m a fan of anonymous gay bathroom sex, you sick freak. But because this story, about Idaho Senator Larry Craig, and similar ones, featuring this guy and this guy, are finally revealing that a common sense rule of thumb applies to American politics – the guy with the biggest car, biggest house, and, well, biggest everything, is probably compensating for something.

In this case, it takes the form of family values. Why is it that the latest three Congressional sex scandals have involved not just Republicans, whose party declares family values as one of its main issues, but the select Republicans who made family values their main issues. According to Wikipedia, “In the House, [Mark] Foley was one of the foremost opponents of child pornography.” He then proceeded to solicit cyber-sex with teenage Congressional pages. Next up, David “Vitter believes strongly that marriage is a sacred vow between a man and a woman. In 2003, Vitter proposed to amend the U.S. Constitution to ban same sex marriages.” Turns out the real threat to his marriage was a prostitute.

Finally, we come to my favorite, good old Larry Craig. Wikipedia says “Craig supported the Federal Marriage Amendment, which barred extention of rights to same-sex couples; he voted for cloture on the amendment in both 2004 and 2006. Craig voted against cloture on a in 2002 which would have extended the federal definition of hate crimes to cover sexual orientation.” Take a minute to let that soak in. First, he supported denying basic marriage rights to gays. Alright, fairly standard of many Republicans. But beyond that, he voted against labeling crimes against gays as hate crimes. Now for the kicker – he’s been dealing with allegations of being gay (and seeking sex with Congressional pages and random passerby) for over 25 years!

Now I stress that these are just allegations. Everyone, including (alleged) scumbags like these, has a right to due process. And I’m not saying that Democrat’s can’t be scum either. But these guys are just dumb. I’ll leave Foley and Vitter out of it for now, but let’s take a closer look at Larry Craig.

The man was arrested by an undercover police officer on June 11th. He didn’t plead guilty until August 8th. AUGUST EIGHTH! TWO FREAKING MONTHS! So once the guilty plea made the news this week, what was his response? I quote, “I chose to plead guilty to a lesser charge in the hope of making it go away. I did not seek any counsel, either from an attorney, staff, friends, or family. That was a mistake, and I deeply regret it.”

You’re a UNITED STATES SENATOR – one of the most powerful men in the country. You have been a crusader against gay rights for years, while simultaneously dealing with allegations of improper homosexual conduct. So after being arrested for allegations of improper homosexual conduct, with two months to think about what you’re going to do, you think that this type of thing will just “go away?” And you think that pleading guilty will make it go away faster?

For the sake of argument, let’s assume this guy is 100% innocent and did make a mistake by pleading guilty. Even if that’s the case, Senator Craig has given the voters of Idaho a crystal-clear reason not to send him back to Washington if he chooses to seek reelection in 2008 – HE’S A MORON.

Or maybe Idahoans will reelect Craig, to keep this (alleged) twisted hypocrite hundreds of miles away in Washington, and the hell out of their state.

"This Article Is About College." FALSE.

If you’ve been paying the slightest bit of attention to the articles I’ve written over the past several weeks for Obscure Porn.com, then I know that you’ve observed at least one constant. That unifying force, that characteristic that ties all my articles together, is, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, concern for my readers. Without you, I’m nothing. I have no purpose. I’m a voice crying in the dark with no one to hear, not even myself. That’s how strongly I identify myself with you. Oh god please don’t leave. I don’t think I could go on without you. No! Come back! I’m still here! Oh… you’re really gone. That’s it. You’re gone, and so there’s not really any point in me going on either, is there? This is the end. Farewell; it was nice knowing you, but I guess you didn’t really feel that way!! One quick thrust, that’s all it’ll take, and then it’ll all be over. HKKK! [Thud].

Whoa! What? No, this article just started. I’m still here, so you must be reading this again. Nothing happened in this article before this paragraph. There’s no way you would have known about that, since you weren’t reading it. Known about what? Nothing. Anyway, the point is, I really care about my readers. So, here are the results of the reader poll I conducted a few weeks ago.

  1. How good are my articles on a scale of 1 to 10?
    Readers were extremely divided on this question; a majority wondered whether 1 was the worst and 10 was the best, or the other way around. The other responses ranged from 5 to 5, for an average of N/A (due to the large amount of no responses). Um, if I had to rate your question answering ability on a scale of 1 to 10, I would give you like a zero. Seriously, you guys did really terribly on this one. You gave me basically no useful feedback.
  2. What can I do to improve?
    Well, all of your suggestions were pretty terrible, especially this one guy who just tore apart every article I’ve written. Some of his comments were “you suck!”, “Completely uninformative. Not recommended.”, “Try not to suck next time.”, “Overlong, confusing, and downright incoherent toward the end… Terrible journalism.”, “Way too long and complicated. Don’t do this again.”, and “Extremely poorly researched… Please don’t write an article of this type again.” I just- I don’t know how to respond to something like this! If this is how you guys are gonna be, maybe I’ll just never improve on purpose. You’ll have to deal with really crappy articles all the time. Um… yeah, all… the… time…
  3. What did you eat for breakfast this morning?
    “Objection: relevance!” “Yes, Mr. Strauss, I too am wondering what this line of questioning could possibly show.” “Your Honor, if you’ll just give me a few minutes, you’ll see.” “All right, but this had better be quick.” “Thank you. So, Reader, answer the question. What did you have for breakfast this morning? Oatmeal? And is that not your least favorite meal? And in the past, has your mood not been affected by the meal you had eaten just previously? I submit that the bad experience you had with oatmeal ruined my writing for you, not the writing itself!” “GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY!”
    So yeah, next time, don’t eat oatmeal.
  4. How are you liking this poll so far?
    Everyone was pissed that it interrupted their dinner. Sorry, that was poor timing.
  5. Would you rather it be multiple choice? a) yes; b) no; c) since I don’t want it to be multiple choice I’m not gonna answer with any of these letters; d) none of the above; e) all of the above; f) there are way too many choices in this question; g) b, d, e ,and h, but not c. I don’t even know about f; h) g and c but no others (including this one); i) OK now all of the above; j) don’t they always skip j for some reason? Well, I put it in; k) maybe.
    …In retrospect this question could have been phrased a little better.
  6. Write a multi-paragraph essay analyzing the impact of the rise of militarism and the Second World War on the lives of European women during the period from 1930 to 1950.
    Many of you didn’t even turn in an answer to this one! This information is vital to improving your reading experience on Obscure Porn.com! Remember, I’m doing this all for you! And for European History 105! Uh, but not really for that. Um, I- this- as I was saying, the few of you who did turn in an answer should really have kept in mind that, even though you were sending it over the internet, an essay should not contain such lexicographical elements as “lol,” “kxthbai,” or “stfu.”
  7. I don’t remember taking this poll! What are you talking about “the reader poll [you] conducted a few weeks ago?”
    Why did I put this question in the survey? Come to think of it, I don’t even remember writing this poll. Hmm.

Well, that wraps up this edition of the reader poll. I gained some valuable insight into how my readers feel about my writing, and an article for this week, while you, the reader, gained a loss of time. I’ll be sure to put your suggestions into practice, by ignoring them, and you will reap the benefits in the form of COOKIES FOR EVERYONE! …Did it work? Are there cookies for everyone? I figure if I do that enough times, one of these days it’ll come true. Anyway, feel free to not send me any comments on my writing anymore. I got my fill from this poll. Well, unless you’re not imaginary. Then you can say what you want, since I haven’t heard from you yet. Now get out of my face!

I Can't Believe Some of These Movies They're Making

Can you believe some of these movies they’ve been making? I know I can’t. And now I find out that they’re making even more movies like that! What the heck! Here are some upcoming movies I can’t believe they’re making:

The Wizard of Oz 2
The description on the official website reads, “Dorothy awakens again to find that both her existence in Kansas and her adventure in Oz were dreams! In reality, she is a drug-addicted promiscuous singer/actress who requires constant validation of her self-worth! Using footage of the late Judy Garland in a style similar to what was done with Marlon Brando in Superman Returns, this is a shameless cash-in on an established property- I mean a way of introducing Dorothy to the next generation of moviegoers!”

The Sex and the City Movie
Does anyone believe that these actresses are as young as the characters they are portraying? Come on! Artistic license only goes so far!

The Seinfeld Movie
Inspired by the recent success of The Simpsons Movie, Hollywood has announced that it will be turning perhaps the most successful sitcom of all time into a movie. Unfortunately, due to recent less-than-appropriate remarks by main cast member Michael Richards, he will have to be replaced by a different actor to avoid a PR nightmare. Rumors suggest that the role of Kramer will be filled by Rob Schneider, though I fail to see how people hate him less than Michael Richards. At least he has one thing in common with Jason Alexander: neither of them have made any money in recent memory. Julia Louis-Dreyfuss will also not be featured in the movie because, quote, “I’ve worked so hard to distance myself from Seinfeld (and Seinfeld) that I just can’t see going back, especially now that I have a wildly successful [sic] TV series of my own.” Jerry Seinfeld himself will be in the movie, alyeahthough, to accommodate his new laid-back lifestyle, his contract stipulates that he only has to work for half an hour per day. Industry projections show a catastrophic box-office and critical failure for this movie, which will ruin the memory of the show for its legions of fans.

King Kong
Not satisfied with his first remake, Peter Jackson has announced plans to film another remake of the cinema classic King Kong. This new film will join the original 1933 version, the 1933, 1962, 1967, and 1986 sequels, the 1976 remake, and, of course, the 2005 remake. The new version promises to take boredom and stratospheric budgets to new levels.

Pac-Man
Apparently the recent video game movie craze has reached insanity levels. This movie claims to chronicle “the riveting exploits of America’s yellowest hero, Pac-Man.” In a remarkably thoughtful decision, the studio has decided not to simply recreate the gameplay of the arcade game, which would just consist of 90 minutes of the main character gliding through a maze eating dots. However, in an equally wrongheaded move, the movie will instead be a Hollywood action movie-style “re-imagining” of the Pac-Man mythos. In this version, Pac-Man will be a gun-toting, profanity-using anti-hero who single-handedly takes on the mob to recover a stolen stash of “white dots.” He will be played by a heavily made-up John Travolta.

Movie: The Movie
Details on this project remain difficult to find. Speculation runs rampant, with some predicting that it will simply consist of a one-second clip of every movie ever made (though the cost of the rights alone would be overwhelming), and others saying it will be a mash-up of all the genres (a dangerous superspy, accompanied by his wisecracking and foul-mouthed friends, embarks on an epic quest to survive a warzone while searching for a mystic talisman that will banish the evil spirits that are haunting a nearby small town in which a peculiar murder has just occurred; one of the suspects is a beautiful woman who is almost ready to love again, if she can only defuse the bomb in time. Her son is the last hope of the town’s basketball team, but to win, he has to travel into the future and save the galaxy, periodically bursting into song). In any case, this independent film is sure to be a come-from-behind blockbuster.

Obscure Porn: The Movie
In a desperate attempt to stir up publicity for its failing website, Obscure Porn is releasing a movie version of itself. What is this movie even going to be about? It’s not like the website contains a single linear narrative off of which to base a movie. Also, if the movie is produced in anything like the manner in which the website is managed, it is going to be unwatchable. I predict disaster.

Your Life Story
Are you serious? Your life story is getting adapted into a movie? That is so ridiculous. You haven’t done anything worthwhile! Look at you! Right now you’re just sitting in front of a computer screen reading some stupid website! That is not noteworthy at all. You haven’t done anything heroic, or inspiring, or even comical. Believe me, I’ve known you pretty well for a number of years, and I could barely stand to live through your life story. I doubt anyone wants to sit through a condensed version of it for 90 minutes. Cease development on this project immediately.

I Hate Bradford Howe

I hate Bradford Howe.

Who?

You know, Bradford Howe. That guy who hosts the ads before the previews start when you go to see a movie.

Oh, you mean this guy?

Bradford Howe

Yeah, that guy. Doesn’t he suck?

You know, I’ve never really thought about it before.

Well don’t think, just know. He sucks. A lot.

Why?

Oh, fine, now you want reasons. Maybe next you’ll want articles that don’t involve me pretending to talk to myself. Fine, here you go.

Reasons I Hate Bradford Howe

  1. How hard is it to wear a freakin’ tie?
  2. Where the hell is his set supposed to be? I mean seriously – it’s based on the logo of an advertising company! Is there anything that could possibly be less interesting than a set based on the logo of an advertising company nobody likes?
  3. Play some better commercials. If I have to see that “The Apple in Your Eye” or The Coca-Cola Refreshing Filmmaker Award crap again, someone’s legs are getting broken. I’m looking at Bradford Howe.
  4. He’s like Ryan Seacrest, but with even less talent (Is that even possible?) and without an endearing catchphrase.
  5. Actually, scratch that. “Seacrest out!” is about as unendearing as possible. And please, Bradford Howe, don’t start ending your segments with “Howe Out!” I don’t think I could handle it.
  6. What kind of name is Bradford Howe, anyway? Is Bradford even a first name?
  7. No time for a seventh reason – I’m too busy hating Bradford Howe.
  8. He’s Canadian. Or at least he used to be a VJ at Canadian fake-MTV MuchMusic. (ObscurePorn does not hate Canadians. Just Bradford Howe. -Ed.)
  9. It’s impossible to find information on him online for, say, writing a hate piece about him. One of the top Google results for his name was actually a girl’s Angelfire page saying “OMGOMGOMG I MET BRADFORD HOWE!!!!111!!!ONEISUCK!!!”.
  10. Did I mention he sucks?

I invite the entire ObscurePorn community to add their own reasons why they hate Bradford Howe in the comments. If #9 is any indication, this post will soon be one of the top Google results for Bradford Howe, so anyone searching for him will know the truth.

Movie Review: Beerfest

Beerfest is a 2006 film about a rag-tag team of American beer drinkers who train for a super-secret underground international beer-drinking competitions. The film, which is written by, directed by, produced by, and starring Jay Chandrasekhar, Kevin Heffernan, Steve Lemme, Paul Soter, and Erik Stolhanske is both enjoyable and entertaining. Part of what makes this film so good is that it exemplifies all of the good characteristics of a member of the comedy genre:

1. It is funny.

That’s it. It had good jokes, funny things happened, and the acting was good. What more can you ask for? Of course, Beerfest can’t be considered funny on the level of Dodgeball or Anchorman, but those movies had something that Beerfest didn’t: They were REALLY funny. Astute viewers will realize that a movie like Beerfest can be funny without being hilarious. Beerfest is about as funny as, say, The 40-Year-Old Virgin.

Now I know what many of you are thinking: Vince, what the hell are you talking about? Beerfest wasn’t funny at all! The 40-Year-Old Virgin was hilarious! However, you are wrong. Beerfest was funny. The 40-Year-Old Virgin was okay, but it wasn’t like the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. I don’t know what you kids are thinking these days. Big snakes live under people’s porches and eat their pets. Do you think THAT’S cool? I don’t understand you kids.

Anyway, to conclude, Beerfest is a solid, entertaining comedy, that is thoroughly enjoyable even if it doesn’t astonish on all levels. I would recommend watching it in theaters, but it seems I’m a little late with this review. Still, it’s good.

My Own Class Action Suits

So apparently there’s been a class-action lawsuit filed against Apple because, in the plaintiff’s words:

Unknown to the Plaintiff, and undisclosed to the public, prior to purchase, the iPhone is a sealed unit with its battery soldered on the inside of the device so that it cannot be changed by the owner… The battery enclosed in the iPhone can only be charged approximately 300 times before it will be in need of replacement, necessitating a new battery annually for owners of the iPhone.

Let me get this straight. This guy claims that the fact that the iPhone’s battery isn’t user-replaceable is “undisclosed to the public.” Apparently he didn’t pay attention to all the news stories about this exact point, or didn’t even bother to look at an iPhone to see that there isn’t a way to remove the battery. (And in addition to all that’ he can’t even get his facts straight.) Well, if morons like this get to file class-action lawsuits for things like this, I think I deserve a few of my own:

  • The fruit I bought at the supermarket went bad after I didn’t eat it for a month. There was no notice saying it spoils, and the cashier didn’t tell me, so I feel I’m due a couple hundred grand for the pain and suffering caused by eating an overripe pear.
  • My cell phone broke when I accidentally dropped it, ran it over with my car, and flushed the battered remains down the toilet. I saw no “Do not drop, run over, or flush” warnings when I bought it, so pony up, Cingular.
  • My TV uses electricity, adding a sinister hidden cost to its advertised price. Pay me, Sony.
  • I suffered ear damage after listening to my iPod at maximum volume for hours on end. You owe me for my surgery, Apple.

Oh crap, that last one is real. I’ll stop there or I may give someone ideas. But seriously, how screwed up is our justice system when crap like this sucks the time and money out of the courts? This almost makes me wish for the good old days, when all you had to worry about was being sued over creased pants.