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I Hate Bradford Howe

I hate Bradford Howe.

Who?

You know, Bradford Howe. That guy who hosts the ads before the previews start when you go to see a movie.

Oh, you mean this guy?

Bradford Howe

Yeah, that guy. Doesn’t he suck?

You know, I’ve never really thought about it before.

Well don’t think, just know. He sucks. A lot.

Why?

Oh, fine, now you want reasons. Maybe next you’ll want articles that don’t involve me pretending to talk to myself. Fine, here you go.

Reasons I Hate Bradford Howe

  1. How hard is it to wear a freakin’ tie?
  2. Where the hell is his set supposed to be? I mean seriously – it’s based on the logo of an advertising company! Is there anything that could possibly be less interesting than a set based on the logo of an advertising company nobody likes?
  3. Play some better commercials. If I have to see that “The Apple in Your Eye” or The Coca-Cola Refreshing Filmmaker Award crap again, someone’s legs are getting broken. I’m looking at Bradford Howe.
  4. He’s like Ryan Seacrest, but with even less talent (Is that even possible?) and without an endearing catchphrase.
  5. Actually, scratch that. “Seacrest out!” is about as unendearing as possible. And please, Bradford Howe, don’t start ending your segments with “Howe Out!” I don’t think I could handle it.
  6. What kind of name is Bradford Howe, anyway? Is Bradford even a first name?
  7. No time for a seventh reason – I’m too busy hating Bradford Howe.
  8. He’s Canadian. Or at least he used to be a VJ at Canadian fake-MTV MuchMusic. (ObscurePorn does not hate Canadians. Just Bradford Howe. -Ed.)
  9. It’s impossible to find information on him online for, say, writing a hate piece about him. One of the top Google results for his name was actually a girl’s Angelfire page saying “OMGOMGOMG I MET BRADFORD HOWE!!!!111!!!ONEISUCK!!!”.
  10. Did I mention he sucks?

I invite the entire ObscurePorn community to add their own reasons why they hate Bradford Howe in the comments. If #9 is any indication, this post will soon be one of the top Google results for Bradford Howe, so anyone searching for him will know the truth.

Movie Review: Beerfest

Beerfest is a 2006 film about a rag-tag team of American beer drinkers who train for a super-secret underground international beer-drinking competitions. The film, which is written by, directed by, produced by, and starring Jay Chandrasekhar, Kevin Heffernan, Steve Lemme, Paul Soter, and Erik Stolhanske is both enjoyable and entertaining. Part of what makes this film so good is that it exemplifies all of the good characteristics of a member of the comedy genre:

1. It is funny.

That’s it. It had good jokes, funny things happened, and the acting was good. What more can you ask for? Of course, Beerfest can’t be considered funny on the level of Dodgeball or Anchorman, but those movies had something that Beerfest didn’t: They were REALLY funny. Astute viewers will realize that a movie like Beerfest can be funny without being hilarious. Beerfest is about as funny as, say, The 40-Year-Old Virgin.

Now I know what many of you are thinking: Vince, what the hell are you talking about? Beerfest wasn’t funny at all! The 40-Year-Old Virgin was hilarious! However, you are wrong. Beerfest was funny. The 40-Year-Old Virgin was okay, but it wasn’t like the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. I don’t know what you kids are thinking these days. Big snakes live under people’s porches and eat their pets. Do you think THAT’S cool? I don’t understand you kids.

Anyway, to conclude, Beerfest is a solid, entertaining comedy, that is thoroughly enjoyable even if it doesn’t astonish on all levels. I would recommend watching it in theaters, but it seems I’m a little late with this review. Still, it’s good.

LIVEBLOG: The Ben-cident

Dateline: August 3rd, 2007. ~2200hrs.

Messr. Georgeford issues bennifer an order.

“Sir Ben,” says he, “Consider it your bounden duty to safeguard this glass. guard it with your life, soldier. i believe in you.”

“I shall guard and/or safe it with my life,” the resilient private confirmed. he had accepted his post with courage of monumental proportions.

Ben continued to put the glass to his mouth.

“Sir! you err!” his noble friends cried, knowing this would go poorly.

Acting foolishly, Eric asked ben to “eat it.” if only he knew what events were to come.

We all looked away. we laughed, we sang, we cried.

suddenly,

a drop of blood.

the tinkle of glass.

cries of profanity and confusion.

“prithee, BEN! what has occurred<interrobang>” said the greatest of those present, one Sir Shaagnik, an enormous example of magnanimous majesty.

but we all knew.

ben had bitten the glass, shattering it, along with any respect his colleagues felt for him.

Glass

as he continued to bleed for several minutes, one among he gentlemen pondered searching for “oral cut,” but they realized that would be unwelcome.

good night.

Update 10:34 PM: The bleeding continues, flow decreased. Further options considered.

Update 10:37 PM: Diego reports the bleeding has stopped. Visual confirmation required.

Update 10:39 PM: Exclusive quote from Ben: “You guys are such assholes, I swear. I’m watching you type this.”

EXCLUSIVE Update 10:46 PM: Ben says it’s still bleeding. Hardly bleeding. Could this spell a new turn in the Ben-cident saga? Time will tell…

Writing: Shagtaw, Photos: David

A Little Bit About Me and Me and Me and Me

Well, you faithful readers and listeners out there have devoured two and a half of my posts and one of my podcasts so far; I feel that it’s time you learned a little bit about the man behind the articles. Unfortunately, he was unavailable for comment, so I just interviewed myself.

ObscurePorn: So, tell us a little bit about yourself. Give us a little introduction.

Ben: My name is Ben and I-

OP: You don’t need to say that. We put your name before your answer.

B: Oh, well how was I supposed to know that? You said introduce yourself, so-

OP: Yeah, I know, I’m just saying, it was unnecessary to say your name, because it was redundant.

B: Look, at this point you’re disrupting the flow of the interview more than I did by saying my name.

OP: Excuse me? Are you trying to tell me how to conduct this interview? Who’s the journalist here?

B: I’m not trying to tell you how to conduct the interview, but it just seems like we’re wasting a lot of time here, and I have an appointment to keep this afternoon-

OP: Look, to get this moving along all you have to do is answer the question.

B: OK fine. Hi, my n- um, I’m B- I’m a writer for ObscurePorn.com. My column updates every Thursday without fail, except for the times that I don’t update. But that doesn’t happen very often. I am also the co-host of the official Obscure Porncast.

OP: Wow, you had that one all loaded up, didn’t you?

B: I’m sorry?

OP: Well, it just sounds like you had written that little monologue down and memorized it before the interview, and now you’re just spouting it off by rote!

B: Well maybe I had time to write it down, edit it, and memorize it while you were wasting time complaining about me saying my name!

OP: Oh! You’re still bitter about that, huh? Well look mister, maybe when you’ve attended the Columbia School of Broadcasting, you can tell me how to do my job, but until then, stick to answering questions, OK?

B: Wait a second, you haven’t attended the Columbia School of Broadcasting either!

OP: Yeah, but I’m already asking you questions, so it’s not like you can question my credentials. Anyway, to-

B: Wait, what? Your logic doesn’t make any sense!

OP: Look, I’d like to get past this. Can we just get to the questions?

B: Fine. As long as you can ask some intelligent questions.

OP: Fair enough. So, you said you were the co-host of the official Obscure Porncast?

B: That’s right.

OP: So, which one are you?

B: What?

OP: The Porncast was alternately titled “The Ben and Vince Show,” so I’m asking, which one are you?

B: You’re asking, am I Ben or Vince?

OP: That’s right.

B: OK um, for somebody who claims to know my name automatically, you certainly are acting like an idiot!

OP: Oh fine, just bring that up again! I thought we were past this! What the hell! I knew you were still bitter. I thought we agreed to move past this and get to the actual interview, but apparently you’re not ready to do that. You know what, why don’t you just come find me when you’re ready to talk.

B: I’m ready to talk; it’s not my fault if you’re so stupid that you can’t even get my name right!

OP: I swear to god, I am this close to cancelling this interview. Do you think you could maybe just shut up for a second so I could think of some questions?

B: Wait, you don’t even have any questions prepared? What kind of interviewer are you? Why did I agree to this?

OP: Oh, now you think you can ask the questions. By the way, remind me never to interview you again, OK?

B: Yeah, and remind me never to be interviewed by you again.

OP: My editor’s gonna hear about this. You are not getting a favorable write-up on ObscurePorn.com.

B: If that website is anywhere near as unprofessional as you are, I could care less what it says about me.

OP: You mean you couldn’t care less.

B: What?

OP: You said that you could care less. But that means that you care about it to a certain extent. What you wanted to say was that you couldn’t care less; i.e., you have the lowest possible opinion of the site. You are at the zero mark for caring.

B: Wha- maybe I was being sarcastic! Jesus! Don’t tell me what I meant to say!

OP: Didn’t you mean to say, “Don’t tell yourself what you meant to say!”

B: What did I just say to you?!

OP: Don’t you mean, “What did you just say to me?!”

B: What are you talking about?

OP: Yeah, I agree. I mean, you agree. I mean, you mean, you agree.

B: What?!?!

OP: I am you. Er- you are me. I am me? You are who? Who is this? No, actually I’m not happy with my current long distance provider, but what’re you gonna do about it?

OP: What happened to this interview?

B: Wait, I was supposed to say that! How did you do that?

OP: Yeah um, it turns out that we are the same person.

Vince: You mean all this time, you were just- I was just- we were just interviewing myself? Yourself?

B: Wait, what’s he doing here?

OP: He’s also the same person.

OB: I can’t deal with this! Stop! Get-

B: -out of my head! Ah! I did it.

OP: OK but I’m still here.

B: Shut up!

And so Ben continued his unhealthy schizophrenic lifestyle, in order to maintain his ability to write articles for ObscurePorn.com.

B: Wait, who are you?

I’m another one of your personalities. The summing-up personality. The personality that ends articles.

A Pun for Every President

Well, obscure voyeurs, President’s Day is just around the corner (We kind of… lost this article… for a few months. -Ed). That’s right, the first President’s Day of the new millenium! (Okay, a few years. -Ed) In order to get you ready for this upcoming third Monday of February of the year 1000 (Okay… a few centuries. -Ed), we here at Obscure Porn have a special surprise that’s sure to put you in the President’s Day spirit. That’s right, we’ve decided to make each and every one of you the democratically elected leader of your own island nation!
Ok really I’m just going to make a pun (or rhyme or whatever) about each and every president, in order. So without further ado, here goes:

  1. In an effort to stop its growing pollution problem, officials in Ithaca have announced plans for a ravine-cleaning party focused on restoring the beauty of the area’s touted ravines. According to flyers, it’ll be gorge-washing fun!
  2. Outhouse-tipping, the new prank of choice for vandals in rural areas, is a growing problem for the more upstanding members of society. Said farmer Billy Bob, “If’n they come ’round here I’ll give ’em a taste’a their own medicine. I’ll throw the john at ’em!”
  3. A Viking bull, nicknamed Tom, has finally come to terms with the fact that he doesn’t have a father, opting to go by the name Thomas Heifersson.
  4. The Federalist Papers, bane of the existence of government students everywhere, are the brainchild of our nation’s fourth president. One might even call them his… MadiSon(s).
  5. Max was enjoying his Jamaican vacation immensely, sipping tropical drinks at a bar on the beach. All of a sudden, a wave collected his belongings and started pulling them out to sea. The bartender, thinking quickly, got out his canoe and handed Max an oar, crying, “What’re ya waiting for, mon? Row!”
  6. Having failed in his previous attempt to deter the outhouse vandals, Farmer Billy Bob went back to the drawing board and came up with an even better plan. “I’ll throw the john quincy at ’em,” he said with a smirk before continuing, “I aint sure what a quincy is, but I’ll throw it at ’em.”
  7. The orphanage was so poor that they couldn’t afford for materials to play games. While luckier kids were able to play by bouncing a ball and then picking up spiky pieces of metal, the poor girls at the orphanage sighed, got out their pencils, and drew jacks on the table.
  8. A group of kids from a middle school, deciding that painting and drawing really were the best medicine, began an initiative to bring these diversions to the hospital. The kids (apparently from For Better or For Worse (ignore these parentheses if you don’t read the comic)) called their new program Artin’ an’ Curin’.
  9. Uncle It (father of Cousin It from the Addam’s Family), refers to his only child as his hairy son.
  10. In the days before family names, one’s surname was decide by occupation. Thus the blacksmith was known as Frank Smith, the barrel maker was Mr. Cooper, and the man who put roofs on houses and made the kitchen floor was named John Tile-er.
  11. James Polk… James Polk… what the hell did he do? Did he do anything? He gets no pun.
  12. The whole town was abuzz with excitement. The game was about to begin. Everyone in town brought their cats, some short-tail and some long-tail. However, today, all the cats appeared to have long tails, and the judges had to decide which were natural and which were fake in the exciting game Tail or Pipe cleaner.
  13. Timmy cackled with delight, clutching his arsenal of water balloons. He was going to sneak attack his little sister and her friends. As they rounded the corner, however, he realized he was outsmarted. The girls were there with enormous water guns. His own supply of water balloons was looking pitiful. In a desperate attempt to even the odds, he called frantically to his friend who was sitting near the hose, “FILL MORE BALLOONS! FILL MORE!”
  14. Scientists discovered the worst smell known to man today, and said that it could only be described as “rank” and “fierce”
  15. The British were able to defeat the flotilla, which was attacking along the river Thames, by using a special cannon that shot Bio-Laser Undulating Electric (BLUE) cannon balls. Their weapon was called the Thames Blue Cannon.
  16. It was Civil War Reenactment Day. The town drunk had somehow gotten assigned to be one of the Confederate leaders, the kind with the sword that they had for no reason. Anyway, everyone was ready. In position, waiting to begin. Unfortunately, they were short one man. One Confederate leader with a superfluous sword, to be exact. Where was the sabre-man? Drinkin’.
  17. Johnson. Penis. Enough said.
  18. In the true text of the Odyssey, Odysseus was sent forward in time to the 1990s, where he became captivated by an animated show featuring a yellow drunk and his family. Upon discovering this writing, anthropologists were flummoxed. They immediately sought more government funding and received it in the Ulysss-Simpsons Grant.
  19. What did Austin Powers say to president Rutherford? Oh B. Hayes.
  20. What do you call it when an orange cat that likes to eat a lot is hit by a car driven by the 20th president and then picked up as roadkill? James Abram’s Car-peeled.
  21. What do you get when you cross this president with someone who died for a cause? Chester A. Martyr.
  22. In the big parade in Ohio, a giant ballon of one of the presidents broke free from its ties and went floating free into the air. Grover Cleveland, the balloon president, was last somewhere over Cleveland.
  23. Who the fuck is Benjamin Harrison?
  24. See 22.
  25. In food-related news, McDonalds teamed up with Soylent Green for the latest addition to the dollars menu: a hamburger made out of one’s own family and Jet Li. It was be called the McKin-Li burger.
  26. What do you call a president who puts his waistband in ice? Teddy Froze-a-belt.
  27. Monopolies found his trust-busting policies so overzealous that they began referring to this president as William Howard Daft. (look, it was either this or William Howard Fat)
  28. A president’s enterprising offspring began a lawncare service wherein they cut the grass while balancing on pieces of wood. They called their business Good-Mow Stilt Sons.
  29. Harding. Hard on. Erection. C’mon.
  30. The presidential refridgerator? Calvin’s cool fridge.
  31. Depression era ice cream? Sherbert Hoover.
  32. 26 but with Franklin. Franklin Froze-a-belt.
  33. A presidential tribute band that uses strange things as drums: Harry S. Tru-man Group
  34. A conspiracy theorist recently wrote a book about the Korean War titled Dwight D. LiesInPower.
  35. In an alternate universe, this president was homosexual and not assassinated. Who is: J.F.Gay
  36. Johnson. Again, penis. Do you really need me for this?
  37. Both president and part of physics, Richard Friction.
  38. Gerald Ford? More like Gerald Can’t Afford (anything) (I hope there was a recession when he was president because I really didn’t research so he could’ve been incredibly rich)
  39. I’m sorry but you can’t be “James Earl” unless your last name is Jones. I guess that’s why this guy went by Jimmy.
  40. Seriously I’m about to give up on this one… In college he was referred to as Ronald Keggin’
  41. The blacksmiths would meet every year to test their strength in the Forge Push.
  42. <gratuitous Monica Lewinsky “insert Bill here” joke>
  43. Double your terror, double your guns. Double you hatredtothepresident with Double-You Bush. (I’m a liberal, if you couldn’t tell)

So there, now aren’t you all excited for the big day? Ready to go out and give your favorite president a great big hug? I know I am.

p.s. If you’re unsure as to which president I am referencing, too bad. They are very clearly numbered.

My Own Class Action Suits

So apparently there’s been a class-action lawsuit filed against Apple because, in the plaintiff’s words:

Unknown to the Plaintiff, and undisclosed to the public, prior to purchase, the iPhone is a sealed unit with its battery soldered on the inside of the device so that it cannot be changed by the owner… The battery enclosed in the iPhone can only be charged approximately 300 times before it will be in need of replacement, necessitating a new battery annually for owners of the iPhone.

Let me get this straight. This guy claims that the fact that the iPhone’s battery isn’t user-replaceable is “undisclosed to the public.” Apparently he didn’t pay attention to all the news stories about this exact point, or didn’t even bother to look at an iPhone to see that there isn’t a way to remove the battery. (And in addition to all that’ he can’t even get his facts straight.) Well, if morons like this get to file class-action lawsuits for things like this, I think I deserve a few of my own:

  • The fruit I bought at the supermarket went bad after I didn’t eat it for a month. There was no notice saying it spoils, and the cashier didn’t tell me, so I feel I’m due a couple hundred grand for the pain and suffering caused by eating an overripe pear.
  • My cell phone broke when I accidentally dropped it, ran it over with my car, and flushed the battered remains down the toilet. I saw no “Do not drop, run over, or flush” warnings when I bought it, so pony up, Cingular.
  • My TV uses electricity, adding a sinister hidden cost to its advertised price. Pay me, Sony.
  • I suffered ear damage after listening to my iPod at maximum volume for hours on end. You owe me for my surgery, Apple.

Oh crap, that last one is real. I’ll stop there or I may give someone ideas. But seriously, how screwed up is our justice system when crap like this sucks the time and money out of the courts? This almost makes me wish for the good old days, when all you had to worry about was being sued over creased pants.

Cheating Made Easy

So the other day I went to a magic act. The venue was a darkened room, it was about the size of a hallway. The paint on the walls was chipping, and the floor was concrete. There was a single table at the end. A shadeless bulb hung over the table, illuminating it. The whole time I was wondered if this was an elaborate act to get random people into an isolated area to mug them. I’m sure there was at least one pickpocket among them.

This was an act specifically based on deception with playing cards, and the table was where the example card games would be played. There weren’t even chairs for watching. The audience (of 4 people) stood.

The illusionist was a 40-something guy wearing a Hawaiian shirt and slacks. He seemed out of place. He began talking some card history and handed some decks out to be shuffled. He started off with a small demo of 3 Card Monte. Being an amateur Monte practitioner, I was intrigued. Even though I knew exactly what he was doing, he managed to trick me. At one point the cards even changed. He was wearing short sleeves. I decided this guy was legit.

After that he got to the fun parts. He would take a shuffled deck, shuffle it a few times, and have the audience call out random cards that he would then whip out of the deck without looking at the card faces. At one point through his casual shuffling, he had arranged the entire deck into an order he had memorized. This is all basically an introduction to me talking about something completely different.

The book this guy learned all of his crazy mind games from a book called The Expert at the Card Table by S. W. Erdnase. Erdnase isn’t a real person, and nobody knows who it really was. I believe he was a ninja. Anyway, the book gives detailed info on how to pull off slight of hand tricks for use with any card game that involves….cards. So it is useful.

Now I know what most of you are going to say.

“Why would I shell out $8 for a potentially life changing skill set?” Because it gets you girls, thats why.

“If this book is so good, why doesn’t everyone know about it?” Because it is old. Over a century old, in fact. I guess people forgot about it.

“If it’s so old, how could it possibly apply?” Because card games still use cards.

“Wont other people knowing about this negate my ability to use the slight of hand?” No, because even if you know how to use the techniques, they are so good that even professionals can not see them. WHAT YOU SAY? Yes, that’s right. They are so perfect, they can not even be seen by the people who apply them.

So go out and read this book guys. Next week we can have a poker game.

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