Well, you faithful readers and listeners out there have devoured two and a half of my posts and one of my podcasts so far; I feel that it’s time you learned a little bit about the man behind the articles. Unfortunately, he was unavailable for comment, so I just interviewed myself.
ObscurePorn: So, tell us a little bit about yourself. Give us a little introduction.
Ben: My name is Ben and I-
OP: You don’t need to say that. We put your name before your answer.
B: Oh, well how was I supposed to know that? You said introduce yourself, so-
OP: Yeah, I know, I’m just saying, it was unnecessary to say your name, because it was redundant.
B: Look, at this point you’re disrupting the flow of the interview more than I did by saying my name.
OP: Excuse me? Are you trying to tell me how to conduct this interview? Who’s the journalist here?
B: I’m not trying to tell you how to conduct the interview, but it just seems like we’re wasting a lot of time here, and I have an appointment to keep this afternoon-
OP: Look, to get this moving along all you have to do is answer the question.
B: OK fine. Hi, my n- um, I’m B- I’m a writer for ObscurePorn.com. My column updates every Thursday without fail, except for the times that I don’t update. But that doesn’t happen very often. I am also the co-host of the official Obscure Porncast.
OP: Wow, you had that one all loaded up, didn’t you?
B: I’m sorry?
OP: Well, it just sounds like you had written that little monologue down and memorized it before the interview, and now you’re just spouting it off by rote!
B: Well maybe I had time to write it down, edit it, and memorize it while you were wasting time complaining about me saying my name!
OP: Oh! You’re still bitter about that, huh? Well look mister, maybe when you’ve attended the Columbia School of Broadcasting, you can tell me how to do my job, but until then, stick to answering questions, OK?
B: Wait a second, you haven’t attended the Columbia School of Broadcasting either!
OP: Yeah, but I’m already asking you questions, so it’s not like you can question my credentials. Anyway, to-
B: Wait, what? Your logic doesn’t make any sense!
OP: Look, I’d like to get past this. Can we just get to the questions?
B: Fine. As long as you can ask some intelligent questions.
OP: Fair enough. So, you said you were the co-host of the official Obscure Porncast?
B: That’s right.
OP: So, which one are you?
OP: The Porncast was alternately titled “The Ben and Vince Show,” so I’m asking, which one are you?
B: You’re asking, am I Ben or Vince?
OP: That’s right.
B: OK um, for somebody who claims to know my name automatically, you certainly are acting like an idiot!
OP: Oh fine, just bring that up again! I thought we were past this! What the hell! I knew you were still bitter. I thought we agreed to move past this and get to the actual interview, but apparently you’re not ready to do that. You know what, why don’t you just come find me when you’re ready to talk.
B: I’m ready to talk; it’s not my fault if you’re so stupid that you can’t even get my name right!
OP: I swear to god, I am this close to cancelling this interview. Do you think you could maybe just shut up for a second so I could think of some questions?
B: Wait, you don’t even have any questions prepared? What kind of interviewer are you? Why did I agree to this?
OP: Oh, now you think you can ask the questions. By the way, remind me never to interview you again, OK?
B: Yeah, and remind me never to be interviewed by you again.
OP: My editor’s gonna hear about this. You are not getting a favorable write-up on ObscurePorn.com.
B: If that website is anywhere near as unprofessional as you are, I could care less what it says about me.
OP: You mean you couldn’t care less.
OP: You said that you could care less. But that means that you care about it to a certain extent. What you wanted to say was that you couldn’t care less; i.e., you have the lowest possible opinion of the site. You are at the zero mark for caring.
B: Wha- maybe I was being sarcastic! Jesus! Don’t tell me what I meant to say!
OP: Didn’t you mean to say, “Don’t tell yourself what you meant to say!”
B: What did I just say to you?!
OP: Don’t you mean, “What did you just say to me?!”
B: What are you talking about?
OP: Yeah, I agree. I mean, you agree. I mean, you mean, you agree.
OP: I am you. Er- you are me. I am me? You are who? Who is this? No, actually I’m not happy with my current long distance provider, but what’re you gonna do about it?
OP: What happened to this interview?
B: Wait, I was supposed to say that! How did you do that?
OP: Yeah um, it turns out that we are the same person.
Vince: You mean all this time, you were just- I was just- we were just interviewing myself? Yourself?
B: Wait, what’s he doing here?
OP: He’s also the same person.
OB: I can’t deal with this! Stop! Get-
B: -out of my head! Ah! I did it.
OP: OK but I’m still here.
B: Shut up!
And so Ben continued his unhealthy schizophrenic lifestyle, in order to maintain his ability to write articles for ObscurePorn.com.
B: Wait, who are you?
I’m another one of your personalities. The summing-up personality. The personality that ends articles.