Because you can't find it anywhere else

Crime, Entertainment
2 Comments

Warning: Schemes

Man, I am very into coming up with awesome ideas, but being unable to carry them to fruition.

[1:20] <Mantas> help me think of some of the stuff we did
[1:20] <Mantas> the crazy plans
[1:21] <Mantas> that never got finished
[1:21] <Grog> there are so many
[1:21] <Grog> nigh-infinity

Let’s have a list of some of the ones I remember:

Cookies for everyone funding, ninja outfits, making our own coca cola, graffiti, making an AIM AI with a true personality, Parkour, 3D Pool, “Grammar Team vs. The Murder Monkey”, making a 3 foot ballista capable of firing a ping pong ball into a brick wall, Bacon Fridays, the Zelda MAN skit, The fully physics programmed “Gullivers Travels 2: Gullivers Revenge” stick figure fighting game, making obscureporn.com, engaging in a Spartan training program, hacking/ questionably legal stuff, my kickass gigantic capture the flag game, flaming nunchaku/whip, the Caleb Survival Guide, telling Henry Scher he is Caleb, the Triumvirate of me nick and david, the Great Trip, the Lesser Trip, Thermite, Neo-Darwinian Dogma, write a comic for silver chips, This versus That, changing construction road signs, senior magnet picnic, etc.

Now, by no means have I given up on any of these. I just don’t usually remember them enough to make any forward progress with them.

i will continue adding to this list if i remember more

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News & Politics
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nomadic toothbrushing

a short explanation of nomadic style of dental hygiene. It is a commonly used practice among people living in populated, community spaces, i.e. nuns, college students, military low ranks, mormons, etc.

it goes as such:

1. a person starts brushing ones teeth at a sink, then leaves the sink.

2. the person goes about their business, doing things the are capable of doing with one hand, i.e. converting heathens, masturbation, doing push ups, proposing marriage, etc.

3. when the person believes their brushing scenario to be complete, they return to ANY SINK, not necessarily the one of origin.

unknowing people watching this dance between man and sink have a hard time coping with the shock, and scientists believe this to be the next step in the evolutionary chain.

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Quotes
1 Comment

Stamm's Quote of the Week – 9/03/07

Ok, so it’s that time of the week again, or like that day of the week again, yeah you know what I mean.  Umm so like I wasn’t really prepared for this week because is came by pretty fast and all, but this quote comes all the way to us from someone named Anonymous.  I don’t really know if he said it, but I don’t know who said it, so as far as I’m concerned it was Anonymous.  Umm so like this quote is sort of a variation on something Confucius was said to have said.  The quote is:  “Be wary of those who have found, put your trust in those who are still searching.”

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Humor
3 Comments

On The Road

Unfortunately, I was unable to make deadline this week, so please accept my incoherent ramblings in lieu of an actual article. Yeah, this is pretty lame, isn’t it? But I’m sure you’ll understand. After all, I’ve been under a lot of pressure lately, what with the wife leaving, and the dog dying, and other fictional occurrences. Anyway, enough introduction, let’s get to the point! Well, I guess in this case the introduction has as much of a point as the rest of the article, which is to say none. That’s kind of an interesting expression: “which is to say.” You’ve got a good combination of words in there. “Which” is definitely a personal favorite, and then you follow it up with the one-two punch of “is to,” which sounds like the middle of an analogy, and then you cap it off with “say,” which is something that we all enjoy doing. Put it all together and you’ve got a phrase you can take to the bank (the phrase bank, that is). Oh man imagine a phrase bank. You could like deposit a phrase that you knew you’re weren’t going to need for a while, and then when your crack dealer is threatening to break your legs if you don’t get the cash right away, you’d be pretty screwed because you definitely can’t use phrases to pay for stuff. But what if you could…? It would be pretty dumb. Well, this is pretty incoherent and rambulatory so far, so I guess I’m succeeding. I’m going to make a paragraph break right here.

Welcome to paragraph two! It will be a rehash of the first one but without the qualities that made the original so fresh and exciting. I can’t actually promise that. Maybe this paragraph will be better than the first, I don’t know. What do you think so far? Call in, to the caller request line. Or, um, I guess what I mean is write in, to the writer request line. Wouldn’t that just be like a number that you could call to request a writer to come over to your house for the afternoon? You could eat lunch and play croquet in your backyard. Hopefully you have croquet equipment in your backyard. If not, you could always talk about writing. But honestly, who actually wants to talk to a writer about writing. Not even the writer wants to talk about writing. I suppose I’m making sort of an unfair generality here. But I don’t care. This is my column and I can say what I want, dammit! If you don’t like it you can just stop reading! Aw, but don’t actually do that. I’m nothing without you! Have I covered this before? It seems familiar. I think my prediction at the start of this paragraph turned out to be pretty true.

Man I’ve only typed 476- wait now it’s 480- dammit 482- aw crap this never works- words so far. That’s not very many. That’s like half as many as I need. Not that I have a word quota or anything. That would be unconstitutional. Or maybe not. There’s a lot of debate about it. Do I sound like Hemingway to you now? Man, what a jerk he was. Did you know that a man died from an infected papercut received from one of Hemingway’s books? It’s true*! Hemingway killed a man through his writing. Which is I’m pretty sure illegal. But he didn’t go to jail for it! Just more evidence of the corruption of the system. It’s so biased in favor of writers. Hey, I guess this could work out well for me! Wow I have used the phrase “I guess” like a billion times in this article. Well more like five times, and that’s including the one in the quotes in the last sentence. That’s definitely a lot, though. I guess I’m just indecisive. OH MY GOD THERE I GO AGAIN!!

Do you think I could just turn this in for my English essay? It’s due tomorrow, and I haven’t started. It’s a really stupid essay too. I wonder if my English teacher reads this site. I bet he would be offended by my disregard for many of the rules of grammar. Um, probably he would be more offended by the fact that I called his essay stupid, though. Wow I wonder if that would influence his grading. That would be extremely unprofessional. Don’t do it, English teacher. I’m not going to name names, but you know who you are. No, it’s not you. C’mon, you’re not even an English teacher. Don’t be ridiculous.

*Don’t you hate when you can’t find where the asterisk goes? It’s like, just put it at the end of the page, or paragraph, or somewhere obvious! Anyway the point of this footnote (midnote? Sounds like midnight (but is not actually like midnight (things don’t mean what they sound like (believe me I’ve learned this from experience)))) was to say that- wait a second, how many parentheses did you use there? What the hell! That’s not acceptable! Sorry, I’m talking to myself again. Maybe if you had read some of previous articles, you would know why I do that. Hey this time I used dashes instead of parentheses. That doesn’t really make it better. I’m just gonna start the sentence over. The point of this note was to say that the truth of the statement was possibly obtained using illegal performance enhancing drugs. Disillusioning, isn’t it?

Well I feel like I’m just about done with this article. I know you’re disappointed that I didn’t actually have a theme or anything this week, but who knows, maybe you enjoyed just listening to me talk about whatever comes into my head. Though I guess you already have the podcast for that. But those are coming out less frequently these days, so maybe this will tide you over. Wow, this is so time-dependent! For anyone reading this in the future, not at the time it was published, what I’m saying has no relevance! I don’t even want to think about what’s it’s like for people reading this in the past. In conclusion, next week I’ll try to have a real article (it’s gonna suck when I have to do this again next week). Goodbye.

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Crime, News & Politics, Opinion
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Someone's Compensating for Something

I love stories like this one. No, not because I’m a fan of anonymous gay bathroom sex, you sick freak. But because this story, about Idaho Senator Larry Craig, and similar ones, featuring this guy and this guy, are finally revealing that a common sense rule of thumb applies to American politics – the guy with the biggest car, biggest house, and, well, biggest everything, is probably compensating for something.

In this case, it takes the form of family values. Why is it that the latest three Congressional sex scandals have involved not just Republicans, whose party declares family values as one of its main issues, but the select Republicans who made family values their main issues. According to Wikipedia, “In the House, [Mark] Foley was one of the foremost opponents of child pornography.” He then proceeded to solicit cyber-sex with teenage Congressional pages. Next up, David “Vitter believes strongly that marriage is a sacred vow between a man and a woman. In 2003, Vitter proposed to amend the U.S. Constitution to ban same sex marriages.” Turns out the real threat to his marriage was a prostitute.

Finally, we come to my favorite, good old Larry Craig. Wikipedia says “Craig supported the Federal Marriage Amendment, which barred extention of rights to same-sex couples; he voted for cloture on the amendment in both 2004 and 2006. Craig voted against cloture on a in 2002 which would have extended the federal definition of hate crimes to cover sexual orientation.” Take a minute to let that soak in. First, he supported denying basic marriage rights to gays. Alright, fairly standard of many Republicans. But beyond that, he voted against labeling crimes against gays as hate crimes. Now for the kicker – he’s been dealing with allegations of being gay (and seeking sex with Congressional pages and random passerby) for over 25 years!

Now I stress that these are just allegations. Everyone, including (alleged) scumbags like these, has a right to due process. And I’m not saying that Democrat’s can’t be scum either. But these guys are just dumb. I’ll leave Foley and Vitter out of it for now, but let’s take a closer look at Larry Craig.

The man was arrested by an undercover police officer on June 11th. He didn’t plead guilty until August 8th. AUGUST EIGHTH! TWO FREAKING MONTHS! So once the guilty plea made the news this week, what was his response? I quote, “I chose to plead guilty to a lesser charge in the hope of making it go away. I did not seek any counsel, either from an attorney, staff, friends, or family. That was a mistake, and I deeply regret it.”

You’re a UNITED STATES SENATOR – one of the most powerful men in the country. You have been a crusader against gay rights for years, while simultaneously dealing with allegations of improper homosexual conduct. So after being arrested for allegations of improper homosexual conduct, with two months to think about what you’re going to do, you think that this type of thing will just “go away?” And you think that pleading guilty will make it go away faster?

For the sake of argument, let’s assume this guy is 100% innocent and did make a mistake by pleading guilty. Even if that’s the case, Senator Craig has given the voters of Idaho a crystal-clear reason not to send him back to Washington if he chooses to seek reelection in 2008 – HE’S A MORON.

Or maybe Idahoans will reelect Craig, to keep this (alleged) twisted hypocrite hundreds of miles away in Washington, and the hell out of their state.

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Quotes
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Stamm's Quote of the Week: 8/27/07

Ok so I’m starting a weekly quote section here on obscureporn.com. Every Monday from now on I’ll post a quote unless I don’t. But what are the chances of that happening? Anyway here is my first submission. It has been attributed to my good friend Anonymous.

“Humility is important and for that reason I hope this quote is never attributed to me”

– Anonymous

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Humor, Opinion
5 Comments

"This Article Is About College." FALSE.

If you’ve been paying the slightest bit of attention to the articles I’ve written over the past several weeks for Obscure Porn.com, then I know that you’ve observed at least one constant. That unifying force, that characteristic that ties all my articles together, is, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, concern for my readers. Without you, I’m nothing. I have no purpose. I’m a voice crying in the dark with no one to hear, not even myself. That’s how strongly I identify myself with you. Oh god please don’t leave. I don’t think I could go on without you. No! Come back! I’m still here! Oh… you’re really gone. That’s it. You’re gone, and so there’s not really any point in me going on either, is there? This is the end. Farewell; it was nice knowing you, but I guess you didn’t really feel that way!! One quick thrust, that’s all it’ll take, and then it’ll all be over. HKKK! [Thud].

Whoa! What? No, this article just started. I’m still here, so you must be reading this again. Nothing happened in this article before this paragraph. There’s no way you would have known about that, since you weren’t reading it. Known about what? Nothing. Anyway, the point is, I really care about my readers. So, here are the results of the reader poll I conducted a few weeks ago.

  1. How good are my articles on a scale of 1 to 10?
    Readers were extremely divided on this question; a majority wondered whether 1 was the worst and 10 was the best, or the other way around. The other responses ranged from 5 to 5, for an average of N/A (due to the large amount of no responses). Um, if I had to rate your question answering ability on a scale of 1 to 10, I would give you like a zero. Seriously, you guys did really terribly on this one. You gave me basically no useful feedback.
  2. What can I do to improve?
    Well, all of your suggestions were pretty terrible, especially this one guy who just tore apart every article I’ve written. Some of his comments were “you suck!”, “Completely uninformative. Not recommended.”, “Try not to suck next time.”, “Overlong, confusing, and downright incoherent toward the end… Terrible journalism.”, “Way too long and complicated. Don’t do this again.”, and “Extremely poorly researched… Please don’t write an article of this type again.” I just- I don’t know how to respond to something like this! If this is how you guys are gonna be, maybe I’ll just never improve on purpose. You’ll have to deal with really crappy articles all the time. Um… yeah, all… the… time…
  3. What did you eat for breakfast this morning?
    “Objection: relevance!” “Yes, Mr. Strauss, I too am wondering what this line of questioning could possibly show.” “Your Honor, if you’ll just give me a few minutes, you’ll see.” “All right, but this had better be quick.” “Thank you. So, Reader, answer the question. What did you have for breakfast this morning? Oatmeal? And is that not your least favorite meal? And in the past, has your mood not been affected by the meal you had eaten just previously? I submit that the bad experience you had with oatmeal ruined my writing for you, not the writing itself!” “GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY!”
    So yeah, next time, don’t eat oatmeal.
  4. How are you liking this poll so far?
    Everyone was pissed that it interrupted their dinner. Sorry, that was poor timing.
  5. Would you rather it be multiple choice? a) yes; b) no; c) since I don’t want it to be multiple choice I’m not gonna answer with any of these letters; d) none of the above; e) all of the above; f) there are way too many choices in this question; g) b, d, e ,and h, but not c. I don’t even know about f; h) g and c but no others (including this one); i) OK now all of the above; j) don’t they always skip j for some reason? Well, I put it in; k) maybe.
    …In retrospect this question could have been phrased a little better.
  6. Write a multi-paragraph essay analyzing the impact of the rise of militarism and the Second World War on the lives of European women during the period from 1930 to 1950.
    Many of you didn’t even turn in an answer to this one! This information is vital to improving your reading experience on Obscure Porn.com! Remember, I’m doing this all for you! And for European History 105! Uh, but not really for that. Um, I- this- as I was saying, the few of you who did turn in an answer should really have kept in mind that, even though you were sending it over the internet, an essay should not contain such lexicographical elements as “lol,” “kxthbai,” or “stfu.”
  7. I don’t remember taking this poll! What are you talking about “the reader poll [you] conducted a few weeks ago?”
    Why did I put this question in the survey? Come to think of it, I don’t even remember writing this poll. Hmm.

Well, that wraps up this edition of the reader poll. I gained some valuable insight into how my readers feel about my writing, and an article for this week, while you, the reader, gained a loss of time. I’ll be sure to put your suggestions into practice, by ignoring them, and you will reap the benefits in the form of COOKIES FOR EVERYONE! …Did it work? Are there cookies for everyone? I figure if I do that enough times, one of these days it’ll come true. Anyway, feel free to not send me any comments on my writing anymore. I got my fill from this poll. Well, unless you’re not imaginary. Then you can say what you want, since I haven’t heard from you yet. Now get out of my face!

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Entertainment, Humor, Movies, Opinion
2 Comments

I Can't Believe Some of These Movies They're Making

Can you believe some of these movies they’ve been making? I know I can’t. And now I find out that they’re making even more movies like that! What the heck! Here are some upcoming movies I can’t believe they’re making:

The Wizard of Oz 2
The description on the official website reads, “Dorothy awakens again to find that both her existence in Kansas and her adventure in Oz were dreams! In reality, she is a drug-addicted promiscuous singer/actress who requires constant validation of her self-worth! Using footage of the late Judy Garland in a style similar to what was done with Marlon Brando in Superman Returns, this is a shameless cash-in on an established property- I mean a way of introducing Dorothy to the next generation of moviegoers!”

The Sex and the City Movie
Does anyone believe that these actresses are as young as the characters they are portraying? Come on! Artistic license only goes so far!

The Seinfeld Movie
Inspired by the recent success of The Simpsons Movie, Hollywood has announced that it will be turning perhaps the most successful sitcom of all time into a movie. Unfortunately, due to recent less-than-appropriate remarks by main cast member Michael Richards, he will have to be replaced by a different actor to avoid a PR nightmare. Rumors suggest that the role of Kramer will be filled by Rob Schneider, though I fail to see how people hate him less than Michael Richards. At least he has one thing in common with Jason Alexander: neither of them have made any money in recent memory. Julia Louis-Dreyfuss will also not be featured in the movie because, quote, “I’ve worked so hard to distance myself from Seinfeld (and Seinfeld) that I just can’t see going back, especially now that I have a wildly successful [sic] TV series of my own.” Jerry Seinfeld himself will be in the movie, alyeahthough, to accommodate his new laid-back lifestyle, his contract stipulates that he only has to work for half an hour per day. Industry projections show a catastrophic box-office and critical failure for this movie, which will ruin the memory of the show for its legions of fans.

King Kong
Not satisfied with his first remake, Peter Jackson has announced plans to film another remake of the cinema classic King Kong. This new film will join the original 1933 version, the 1933, 1962, 1967, and 1986 sequels, the 1976 remake, and, of course, the 2005 remake. The new version promises to take boredom and stratospheric budgets to new levels.

Pac-Man
Apparently the recent video game movie craze has reached insanity levels. This movie claims to chronicle “the riveting exploits of America’s yellowest hero, Pac-Man.” In a remarkably thoughtful decision, the studio has decided not to simply recreate the gameplay of the arcade game, which would just consist of 90 minutes of the main character gliding through a maze eating dots. However, in an equally wrongheaded move, the movie will instead be a Hollywood action movie-style “re-imagining” of the Pac-Man mythos. In this version, Pac-Man will be a gun-toting, profanity-using anti-hero who single-handedly takes on the mob to recover a stolen stash of “white dots.” He will be played by a heavily made-up John Travolta.

Movie: The Movie
Details on this project remain difficult to find. Speculation runs rampant, with some predicting that it will simply consist of a one-second clip of every movie ever made (though the cost of the rights alone would be overwhelming), and others saying it will be a mash-up of all the genres (a dangerous superspy, accompanied by his wisecracking and foul-mouthed friends, embarks on an epic quest to survive a warzone while searching for a mystic talisman that will banish the evil spirits that are haunting a nearby small town in which a peculiar murder has just occurred; one of the suspects is a beautiful woman who is almost ready to love again, if she can only defuse the bomb in time. Her son is the last hope of the town’s basketball team, but to win, he has to travel into the future and save the galaxy, periodically bursting into song). In any case, this independent film is sure to be a come-from-behind blockbuster.

Obscure Porn: The Movie
In a desperate attempt to stir up publicity for its failing website, Obscure Porn is releasing a movie version of itself. What is this movie even going to be about? It’s not like the website contains a single linear narrative off of which to base a movie. Also, if the movie is produced in anything like the manner in which the website is managed, it is going to be unwatchable. I predict disaster.

Your Life Story
Are you serious? Your life story is getting adapted into a movie? That is so ridiculous. You haven’t done anything worthwhile! Look at you! Right now you’re just sitting in front of a computer screen reading some stupid website! That is not noteworthy at all. You haven’t done anything heroic, or inspiring, or even comical. Believe me, I’ve known you pretty well for a number of years, and I could barely stand to live through your life story. I doubt anyone wants to sit through a condensed version of it for 90 minutes. Cease development on this project immediately.

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