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LIVEBLOG: The Ben-cident

Dateline: August 3rd, 2007. ~2200hrs.

Messr. Georgeford issues bennifer an order.

“Sir Ben,” says he, “Consider it your bounden duty to safeguard this glass. guard it with your life, soldier. i believe in you.”

“I shall guard and/or safe it with my life,” the resilient private confirmed. he had accepted his post with courage of monumental proportions.

Ben continued to put the glass to his mouth.

“Sir! you err!” his noble friends cried, knowing this would go poorly.

Acting foolishly, Eric asked ben to “eat it.” if only he knew what events were to come.

We all looked away. we laughed, we sang, we cried.

suddenly,

a drop of blood.

the tinkle of glass.

cries of profanity and confusion.

“prithee, BEN! what has occurred<interrobang>” said the greatest of those present, one Sir Shaagnik, an enormous example of magnanimous majesty.

but we all knew.

ben had bitten the glass, shattering it, along with any respect his colleagues felt for him.

Glass

as he continued to bleed for several minutes, one among he gentlemen pondered searching for “oral cut,” but they realized that would be unwelcome.

good night.

Update 10:34 PM: The bleeding continues, flow decreased. Further options considered.

Update 10:37 PM: Diego reports the bleeding has stopped. Visual confirmation required.

Update 10:39 PM: Exclusive quote from Ben: “You guys are such assholes, I swear. I’m watching you type this.”

EXCLUSIVE Update 10:46 PM: Ben says it’s still bleeding. Hardly bleeding. Could this spell a new turn in the Ben-cident saga? Time will tell…

Writing: Shagtaw, Photos: David

A Little Bit About Me and Me and Me and Me

Well, you faithful readers and listeners out there have devoured two and a half of my posts and one of my podcasts so far; I feel that it’s time you learned a little bit about the man behind the articles. Unfortunately, he was unavailable for comment, so I just interviewed myself.

ObscurePorn: So, tell us a little bit about yourself. Give us a little introduction.

Ben: My name is Ben and I-

OP: You don’t need to say that. We put your name before your answer.

B: Oh, well how was I supposed to know that? You said introduce yourself, so-

OP: Yeah, I know, I’m just saying, it was unnecessary to say your name, because it was redundant.

B: Look, at this point you’re disrupting the flow of the interview more than I did by saying my name.

OP: Excuse me? Are you trying to tell me how to conduct this interview? Who’s the journalist here?

B: I’m not trying to tell you how to conduct the interview, but it just seems like we’re wasting a lot of time here, and I have an appointment to keep this afternoon-

OP: Look, to get this moving along all you have to do is answer the question.

B: OK fine. Hi, my n- um, I’m B- I’m a writer for ObscurePorn.com. My column updates every Thursday without fail, except for the times that I don’t update. But that doesn’t happen very often. I am also the co-host of the official Obscure Porncast.

OP: Wow, you had that one all loaded up, didn’t you?

B: I’m sorry?

OP: Well, it just sounds like you had written that little monologue down and memorized it before the interview, and now you’re just spouting it off by rote!

B: Well maybe I had time to write it down, edit it, and memorize it while you were wasting time complaining about me saying my name!

OP: Oh! You’re still bitter about that, huh? Well look mister, maybe when you’ve attended the Columbia School of Broadcasting, you can tell me how to do my job, but until then, stick to answering questions, OK?

B: Wait a second, you haven’t attended the Columbia School of Broadcasting either!

OP: Yeah, but I’m already asking you questions, so it’s not like you can question my credentials. Anyway, to-

B: Wait, what? Your logic doesn’t make any sense!

OP: Look, I’d like to get past this. Can we just get to the questions?

B: Fine. As long as you can ask some intelligent questions.

OP: Fair enough. So, you said you were the co-host of the official Obscure Porncast?

B: That’s right.

OP: So, which one are you?

B: What?

OP: The Porncast was alternately titled “The Ben and Vince Show,” so I’m asking, which one are you?

B: You’re asking, am I Ben or Vince?

OP: That’s right.

B: OK um, for somebody who claims to know my name automatically, you certainly are acting like an idiot!

OP: Oh fine, just bring that up again! I thought we were past this! What the hell! I knew you were still bitter. I thought we agreed to move past this and get to the actual interview, but apparently you’re not ready to do that. You know what, why don’t you just come find me when you’re ready to talk.

B: I’m ready to talk; it’s not my fault if you’re so stupid that you can’t even get my name right!

OP: I swear to god, I am this close to cancelling this interview. Do you think you could maybe just shut up for a second so I could think of some questions?

B: Wait, you don’t even have any questions prepared? What kind of interviewer are you? Why did I agree to this?

OP: Oh, now you think you can ask the questions. By the way, remind me never to interview you again, OK?

B: Yeah, and remind me never to be interviewed by you again.

OP: My editor’s gonna hear about this. You are not getting a favorable write-up on ObscurePorn.com.

B: If that website is anywhere near as unprofessional as you are, I could care less what it says about me.

OP: You mean you couldn’t care less.

B: What?

OP: You said that you could care less. But that means that you care about it to a certain extent. What you wanted to say was that you couldn’t care less; i.e., you have the lowest possible opinion of the site. You are at the zero mark for caring.

B: Wha- maybe I was being sarcastic! Jesus! Don’t tell me what I meant to say!

OP: Didn’t you mean to say, “Don’t tell yourself what you meant to say!”

B: What did I just say to you?!

OP: Don’t you mean, “What did you just say to me?!”

B: What are you talking about?

OP: Yeah, I agree. I mean, you agree. I mean, you mean, you agree.

B: What?!?!

OP: I am you. Er- you are me. I am me? You are who? Who is this? No, actually I’m not happy with my current long distance provider, but what’re you gonna do about it?

OP: What happened to this interview?

B: Wait, I was supposed to say that! How did you do that?

OP: Yeah um, it turns out that we are the same person.

Vince: You mean all this time, you were just- I was just- we were just interviewing myself? Yourself?

B: Wait, what’s he doing here?

OP: He’s also the same person.

OB: I can’t deal with this! Stop! Get-

B: -out of my head! Ah! I did it.

OP: OK but I’m still here.

B: Shut up!

And so Ben continued his unhealthy schizophrenic lifestyle, in order to maintain his ability to write articles for ObscurePorn.com.

B: Wait, who are you?

I’m another one of your personalities. The summing-up personality. The personality that ends articles.

A Pun for Every President

Well, obscure voyeurs, President’s Day is just around the corner (We kind of… lost this article… for a few months. -Ed). That’s right, the first President’s Day of the new millenium! (Okay, a few years. -Ed) In order to get you ready for this upcoming third Monday of February of the year 1000 (Okay… a few centuries. -Ed), we here at Obscure Porn have a special surprise that’s sure to put you in the President’s Day spirit. That’s right, we’ve decided to make each and every one of you the democratically elected leader of your own island nation!
Ok really I’m just going to make a pun (or rhyme or whatever) about each and every president, in order. So without further ado, here goes:

  1. In an effort to stop its growing pollution problem, officials in Ithaca have announced plans for a ravine-cleaning party focused on restoring the beauty of the area’s touted ravines. According to flyers, it’ll be gorge-washing fun!
  2. Outhouse-tipping, the new prank of choice for vandals in rural areas, is a growing problem for the more upstanding members of society. Said farmer Billy Bob, “If’n they come ’round here I’ll give ’em a taste’a their own medicine. I’ll throw the john at ’em!”
  3. A Viking bull, nicknamed Tom, has finally come to terms with the fact that he doesn’t have a father, opting to go by the name Thomas Heifersson.
  4. The Federalist Papers, bane of the existence of government students everywhere, are the brainchild of our nation’s fourth president. One might even call them his… MadiSon(s).
  5. Max was enjoying his Jamaican vacation immensely, sipping tropical drinks at a bar on the beach. All of a sudden, a wave collected his belongings and started pulling them out to sea. The bartender, thinking quickly, got out his canoe and handed Max an oar, crying, “What’re ya waiting for, mon? Row!”
  6. Having failed in his previous attempt to deter the outhouse vandals, Farmer Billy Bob went back to the drawing board and came up with an even better plan. “I’ll throw the john quincy at ’em,” he said with a smirk before continuing, “I aint sure what a quincy is, but I’ll throw it at ’em.”
  7. The orphanage was so poor that they couldn’t afford for materials to play games. While luckier kids were able to play by bouncing a ball and then picking up spiky pieces of metal, the poor girls at the orphanage sighed, got out their pencils, and drew jacks on the table.
  8. A group of kids from a middle school, deciding that painting and drawing really were the best medicine, began an initiative to bring these diversions to the hospital. The kids (apparently from For Better or For Worse (ignore these parentheses if you don’t read the comic)) called their new program Artin’ an’ Curin’.
  9. Uncle It (father of Cousin It from the Addam’s Family), refers to his only child as his hairy son.
  10. In the days before family names, one’s surname was decide by occupation. Thus the blacksmith was known as Frank Smith, the barrel maker was Mr. Cooper, and the man who put roofs on houses and made the kitchen floor was named John Tile-er.
  11. James Polk… James Polk… what the hell did he do? Did he do anything? He gets no pun.
  12. The whole town was abuzz with excitement. The game was about to begin. Everyone in town brought their cats, some short-tail and some long-tail. However, today, all the cats appeared to have long tails, and the judges had to decide which were natural and which were fake in the exciting game Tail or Pipe cleaner.
  13. Timmy cackled with delight, clutching his arsenal of water balloons. He was going to sneak attack his little sister and her friends. As they rounded the corner, however, he realized he was outsmarted. The girls were there with enormous water guns. His own supply of water balloons was looking pitiful. In a desperate attempt to even the odds, he called frantically to his friend who was sitting near the hose, “FILL MORE BALLOONS! FILL MORE!”
  14. Scientists discovered the worst smell known to man today, and said that it could only be described as “rank” and “fierce”
  15. The British were able to defeat the flotilla, which was attacking along the river Thames, by using a special cannon that shot Bio-Laser Undulating Electric (BLUE) cannon balls. Their weapon was called the Thames Blue Cannon.
  16. It was Civil War Reenactment Day. The town drunk had somehow gotten assigned to be one of the Confederate leaders, the kind with the sword that they had for no reason. Anyway, everyone was ready. In position, waiting to begin. Unfortunately, they were short one man. One Confederate leader with a superfluous sword, to be exact. Where was the sabre-man? Drinkin’.
  17. Johnson. Penis. Enough said.
  18. In the true text of the Odyssey, Odysseus was sent forward in time to the 1990s, where he became captivated by an animated show featuring a yellow drunk and his family. Upon discovering this writing, anthropologists were flummoxed. They immediately sought more government funding and received it in the Ulysss-Simpsons Grant.
  19. What did Austin Powers say to president Rutherford? Oh B. Hayes.
  20. What do you call it when an orange cat that likes to eat a lot is hit by a car driven by the 20th president and then picked up as roadkill? James Abram’s Car-peeled.
  21. What do you get when you cross this president with someone who died for a cause? Chester A. Martyr.
  22. In the big parade in Ohio, a giant ballon of one of the presidents broke free from its ties and went floating free into the air. Grover Cleveland, the balloon president, was last somewhere over Cleveland.
  23. Who the fuck is Benjamin Harrison?
  24. See 22.
  25. In food-related news, McDonalds teamed up with Soylent Green for the latest addition to the dollars menu: a hamburger made out of one’s own family and Jet Li. It was be called the McKin-Li burger.
  26. What do you call a president who puts his waistband in ice? Teddy Froze-a-belt.
  27. Monopolies found his trust-busting policies so overzealous that they began referring to this president as William Howard Daft. (look, it was either this or William Howard Fat)
  28. A president’s enterprising offspring began a lawncare service wherein they cut the grass while balancing on pieces of wood. They called their business Good-Mow Stilt Sons.
  29. Harding. Hard on. Erection. C’mon.
  30. The presidential refridgerator? Calvin’s cool fridge.
  31. Depression era ice cream? Sherbert Hoover.
  32. 26 but with Franklin. Franklin Froze-a-belt.
  33. A presidential tribute band that uses strange things as drums: Harry S. Tru-man Group
  34. A conspiracy theorist recently wrote a book about the Korean War titled Dwight D. LiesInPower.
  35. In an alternate universe, this president was homosexual and not assassinated. Who is: J.F.Gay
  36. Johnson. Again, penis. Do you really need me for this?
  37. Both president and part of physics, Richard Friction.
  38. Gerald Ford? More like Gerald Can’t Afford (anything) (I hope there was a recession when he was president because I really didn’t research so he could’ve been incredibly rich)
  39. I’m sorry but you can’t be “James Earl” unless your last name is Jones. I guess that’s why this guy went by Jimmy.
  40. Seriously I’m about to give up on this one… In college he was referred to as Ronald Keggin’
  41. The blacksmiths would meet every year to test their strength in the Forge Push.
  42. <gratuitous Monica Lewinsky “insert Bill here” joke>
  43. Double your terror, double your guns. Double you hatredtothepresident with Double-You Bush. (I’m a liberal, if you couldn’t tell)

So there, now aren’t you all excited for the big day? Ready to go out and give your favorite president a great big hug? I know I am.

p.s. If you’re unsure as to which president I am referencing, too bad. They are very clearly numbered.

My Own Class Action Suits

So apparently there’s been a class-action lawsuit filed against Apple because, in the plaintiff’s words:

Unknown to the Plaintiff, and undisclosed to the public, prior to purchase, the iPhone is a sealed unit with its battery soldered on the inside of the device so that it cannot be changed by the owner… The battery enclosed in the iPhone can only be charged approximately 300 times before it will be in need of replacement, necessitating a new battery annually for owners of the iPhone.

Let me get this straight. This guy claims that the fact that the iPhone’s battery isn’t user-replaceable is “undisclosed to the public.” Apparently he didn’t pay attention to all the news stories about this exact point, or didn’t even bother to look at an iPhone to see that there isn’t a way to remove the battery. (And in addition to all that’ he can’t even get his facts straight.) Well, if morons like this get to file class-action lawsuits for things like this, I think I deserve a few of my own:

  • The fruit I bought at the supermarket went bad after I didn’t eat it for a month. There was no notice saying it spoils, and the cashier didn’t tell me, so I feel I’m due a couple hundred grand for the pain and suffering caused by eating an overripe pear.
  • My cell phone broke when I accidentally dropped it, ran it over with my car, and flushed the battered remains down the toilet. I saw no “Do not drop, run over, or flush” warnings when I bought it, so pony up, Cingular.
  • My TV uses electricity, adding a sinister hidden cost to its advertised price. Pay me, Sony.
  • I suffered ear damage after listening to my iPod at maximum volume for hours on end. You owe me for my surgery, Apple.

Oh crap, that last one is real. I’ll stop there or I may give someone ideas. But seriously, how screwed up is our justice system when crap like this sucks the time and money out of the courts? This almost makes me wish for the good old days, when all you had to worry about was being sued over creased pants.

Cheating Made Easy

So the other day I went to a magic act. The venue was a darkened room, it was about the size of a hallway. The paint on the walls was chipping, and the floor was concrete. There was a single table at the end. A shadeless bulb hung over the table, illuminating it. The whole time I was wondered if this was an elaborate act to get random people into an isolated area to mug them. I’m sure there was at least one pickpocket among them.

This was an act specifically based on deception with playing cards, and the table was where the example card games would be played. There weren’t even chairs for watching. The audience (of 4 people) stood.

The illusionist was a 40-something guy wearing a Hawaiian shirt and slacks. He seemed out of place. He began talking some card history and handed some decks out to be shuffled. He started off with a small demo of 3 Card Monte. Being an amateur Monte practitioner, I was intrigued. Even though I knew exactly what he was doing, he managed to trick me. At one point the cards even changed. He was wearing short sleeves. I decided this guy was legit.

After that he got to the fun parts. He would take a shuffled deck, shuffle it a few times, and have the audience call out random cards that he would then whip out of the deck without looking at the card faces. At one point through his casual shuffling, he had arranged the entire deck into an order he had memorized. This is all basically an introduction to me talking about something completely different.

The book this guy learned all of his crazy mind games from a book called The Expert at the Card Table by S. W. Erdnase. Erdnase isn’t a real person, and nobody knows who it really was. I believe he was a ninja. Anyway, the book gives detailed info on how to pull off slight of hand tricks for use with any card game that involves….cards. So it is useful.

Now I know what most of you are going to say.

“Why would I shell out $8 for a potentially life changing skill set?” Because it gets you girls, thats why.

“If this book is so good, why doesn’t everyone know about it?” Because it is old. Over a century old, in fact. I guess people forgot about it.

“If it’s so old, how could it possibly apply?” Because card games still use cards.

“Wont other people knowing about this negate my ability to use the slight of hand?” No, because even if you know how to use the techniques, they are so good that even professionals can not see them. WHAT YOU SAY? Yes, that’s right. They are so perfect, they can not even be seen by the people who apply them.

So go out and read this book guys. Next week we can have a poker game.

Amazon

Point/Counterpoint: Harry Potter

The second half of this article was written by George. I can’t believe ObscurePorn doesn’t support multiple authors. Technical Editor, get on that! Yeah, I’m addressing you from inside an article! Maybe if we had multiple author support I wouldn’t be embarrassing you like this. OK just read the article.

I Love Harry Potter!
by Julie Tibler, age 11

Editor’s Note: This editorial takes place before Book 7. The person who wrote it doesn’t know what happens in Book 7. You should read it from a pre-Book 7 perspective. It’s like a time machine back to six days ago.

I love Harry Potter! He is the greatest. He is the coolest wizard ever. I wish I had powers like him. Harry Potter can do anything he wants, cause he is the Boy Who Lived. I think You-Know-Who doesn’t stand a chance against Harry Potter, cause Harry is way better. I have read every Harry Potter book at least five times cause they are the best books ever. My favorite is Harry Potter and the Half-Baked Plot- I mean Half-Blood Prince. Every other book ever written is not worth the time. Once Harry Potter is over, I’m never reading again. Nothing could be as good as Harry Potter. He is so cool! Don’t you wish you had a magic wand? I would use mine to Petrificus Totalus my little brother so he would leave me alone. But actually, I couldn’t do that cause I’m just a Muggle. I wish I was a wizard so I could go to Hogwarts and meet Harry. I want to take magic classes and go on adventures with Harry. Actually, he is six years older than me, so we wouldn’t be in the same class, but I would still see him. Maybe I would see Ron and Hermione too! But they’re not as cool as Harry. I would tell Proffessor [sic] Snape to leave Harry alone cause Harry is really good and Snape is just being mean. Ooh, I forgot that Snape killed Dumbledore. He probably doesn’t even teach there anymore. Is Dumbledore really dead? I don’t think so. I hope he’s not. Dumbledore is really nice to Harry and also a really good wizard. If he’s dead that would be bad.

Harry Potter is like my best friend. He is so much better than anyone I know. He would be nice to me, like he was to Ginny. He wouldn’t make fun of me because of my hunchback. I bet he would show me his Patronus if I asked him. I really want to meet Harry Potter. But I guess that can’t happen. I mean because he lives in England and that’s really far away. I wrote a million letters (oops, I’m not supposed to exaggerate. I meant 9,997 letters) to J.K. Rowling asking if I could meet him but they must’ve gotten lost in the mail cause she never wrote back. Oh well. At least I have a life-size cardboard cutout of him. In conclusion, the Harry Potter series is a masterfully written and vividly imagined literary tour de force that has enormous appeal for readers of all ages. I heartily recommend it.

Harry Potter is a Fucking Douche.
by Draco Malfoy, age… 17, I think

Editor’s Note: This editorial takes place after, but ignores the events of, Book 7. Who knows whether Draco is even alive right now (I do and I’m sure plenty of other people do, but if you haven’t read Book 7 yet you don’t. So pbbbblt [Editor’s Editor’s Note: that was the raspberry sound]!) But anyway, you should read this from a pre-Book 7 perspective. If you don’t, things might not be the same as they would otherwise. So you shouldn’t do that. Shouldn’t not read it from a pre-Book 7 perspective, I mean. Look just take this as I meant it and don’t misconstrue anything. If you do, it’s the fault of your shitty reading, not my shitty writing.

First of all, I have no idea what that idiot muggle girl is talking about with J.K. Rowling and “the Harry Potter books.” She oughta be put in the loony bin, if you ask me. Or a cage, so she doesn’t hurt herself. The world would be so much better if all the muggles were caged…

But back to the point: Harry Potter is a fucking douche. Widdle Potty, the Boy Who Needed a Better Attitude. Loved by teachers (except Snape, the only good teacher of the lot), followed around by that mudblood Granger and practically living with those blood traitor Weasleys (I’m amazed they can even afford to feed themselves, let alone him). He just happened to get lucky once or twice… or three times. Or six. He got lucky six times and now everyone is so dazzled by his scar that they don’t notice how much of a douche he is. Believe me, he’s a douche.

The first time I met him, 6 years ago, in Madam Malkin’s, I tried to be nice (this was before I found out what an attention-seeking, muggle-loving goody two shoes he was). Sure, he wasn’t as rich as I was, but his father did come from an old wizarding family and he was famous… look, I was young and didn’t know any better. I don’t have to explain myself to you. But as I was saying, I offered to be his friend and he turned me down! Me! HE, the little orphan with no friends, turned ME down. What a douche.

It’s okay, though. I got him back on the Hogwarts Express this year. He snuck into our compartment and tried to spy on us with his fancy little invisibility cloak, but I saw him anyway. I stunned him and broke his nose, the little spy-douche-sneak. I stomped on his nose just like-

KEVIIIIIIIIN
What do you want, mom?!? I’m busy right now. And I told you, CALL ME DRACO YOU BITCH.
Don’t you talk to me like that, young man. Now get down here and walk the dog right this instant or…
Coming, mom!

Ugh, I have to go. But Harry Potter is still a douche.

"This Article Is About College." TRUE.

Recently I got into college. And through discussion with my colleagues and business associates, I have discovered that there are a lot of misconceptions regarding the college experience. Therefore, as a public service, I have compiled a sort of FAQ: College Edition, consisting of commonly held beliefs about college, followed by the word TRUE, if the statement is true, or FALSE, if the statement is not true. Or if the statement is false. That really means the same thing. Why did I even bother making that clarification. There then follows a brief explanation of why the answer is TRUE or FALSE. You could treat it as a little game too, by trying to guess whether the answer is TRUE or FALSE. Well, except the answers are right there. That probably wouldn’t be that fun of a game. Unless you like instant gratification. Well, enough delay, let’s (as they say on the Vault commercials) get to it!

“I will gain ‘the Freshman 15.’” TRUE. Presented with an astounding variety of easy-to-access food sources, most freshman tend to lose control and eat more than they should. In addition, the presence of the mandatory “Gain 15 Pounds” course that is required of freshman at all accredited universities certainly doesn’t help.

“College costs a lot of money.” TRUE. Unfortunately, the cost of college has spiraled upwards in recent years. Why, in the good old days you could take an entire semester of classes for a nickel and still have change for the dining hall. These days, the average cost of a college education is $150,000 (absolutely fact-checked) and rising. Then you have to pay $400,000 to buy the books you’ll need for one class, and another $2 million to stay in a dorm room every night. Your professors charge you $4 trillion just to enter their classrooms, and to even look at your final exam, you have to pay more than the GNP of most countries. The only way most people are able to pay for their college educations is by taking out student loans, which they spend the rest of their lives paying off, and in fact the debt often passes to their children when they die.

“Everybody at college is a bunch of jerks.” TRUE. You will be alone and depressed in your dorm room during your entire four years. Nobody will want to talk to you because they will already have friends, and you’re not that interesting of a person anyway.

“I will get a great job after attending college.” TRUE. If by “get a great job” you mean “move back in with your parents”! Ha! Seriously, in today’s job market it’s not even worth the money to go to college. You should just become a plumber or something. There’s an exciting life! You get to travel, meet people, fix their toilets… something you’ll never get to do at college.

“College will be the best four years of my life.” TR- FA- well, it depends. No, I’m sorry, I can’t give a one word answer for this question. Well, I don’t care if it messes up the format. I’m not changing it just because of editorial pressure. What? You can’t fire me! I fire you! You’re fired! Get out of my office! I’m calling the police! BANG

“The response to this statement is FALSE.” FALSE. AAAAAAHHHHHHH PARADOX YOU SHOULDN’T GO TO COLLEGE

“College is a non-stop orgy of pleasure and hedonism.” TRUE. If you’re not achieving orgasm during every moment of your four years at college, you’re not doing it right.

“I’m allowed to be unhygienic at college.” RESPONSE HAZY, TRY AGAIN LATER.

“Can I borrow one hundred fifty thousand dollars?” FALSE. No, you can’t. I barely even know you.

“Wait a second, how can a question be true or false? That doesn’t make sense.” FALSE. Look, I make the rules around here, and I say it was FALSE. Hey, get away from there! Stop that! Let go! Ow! What the- gih- juh- ARGH! Oh, that’s it! If you don’t stop, I’m not answering your questions anymore. Okay. Glad we could come to an agreement. Jerk. Yeah, you heard me. “I am a jerk.” TRUE. Yeah, well you would’ve said it if you were being honest.

“College will bring me lots of knowledge.” FALSE. While a cursory glance in my rhyming dictionary indicates that the words “college” and “knowledge” do indeed rhyme, I’m not sure that they have any association beyond that. I don’t know, I could be wrong here. You might want to make up your own mind on this one.

“College takes place several hundred feet above the ground.” FALSE. What? I don’t know where you got that idea. That doesn’t even make any sense. It’s false.

“College was invented in 1782 by the Montgolfier brothers.” FALSE. The collegiate system as we know it was developed during the Middle Ages, and certainly not by a single person or persons.

“College is powered by a temperature difference between the air on the inside and the air on the outside that generates lift.” FALSE. Oh, I think I see what happened. You’re confusing college with a hot air balloon.

“Oh, you’re right. I thought this was FAQ: Hot Air Balloon Edition.” FALSE. No, you didn’t. You were asking college-related questions a second ago!

“Yeah, you’re right. My friend put me up to this. Great, now I’m not gonna get the ten bucks.” FALSE. You can still get it. I’ll tell him that you satisfied the conditions of the bet, just as long as you start asking me questions about college again.

“I’m allowed to be unhygienic at college.” TRUE. But I mean, you’re allowed to be unhygienic any time you want. It’s just at college no one will know the difference.

“It is better to give than to receive.” FALSE. What the hell. It is so much better to receive. Unless you’re giving it to yourself, or you’re giving like a bomb or something, or someone else is giving something to you, it’s definitely better to receive.

“A lot more of these statements were false than true.” TRUE. Hey, maybe if you didn’t have such stupid opinions! Geez, it’s not my fault you’re wrong all the time.

“You actually know anything about college.” FALSE. Yes, it’s false: I actually know anything about college. Or, to put it another way, yes, it’s true: I don’t actually know anything about college. Maybe you should’ve asked somebody who’s actually been to college. I’m certainly not qualified to be answering these questions.

Well, that concludes this FAQ. I hope you enjoyed it, and if you’d like to see more, then vote with your wallets! Actually, if you could just send me some money, that would be good. I have to go to college somehow. “This article is over.” TRUE.

Idle Hands

It begins on a typical Thursday afternoon. You’re sitting at your desk, staring blankly in the direction of your computer screen. “I don’t want to do any work,” your brains tells you. You nod in agreement.

Unfortunately, the situation is getting desperate. This late into the summer, you’ve already seen all the internet has to offer. You can’t talk to your coworkers because, well… you can’t talk to your coworkers (Trust me, you’re better off this way. signed, unexplained-narrator-telling-you-about your-own-life). You can’t even listen to music, as you finished your iTaco for lunch (and accidently lost half your music collection in the process) over an hour ago. In desperation, you turn to the thing that has helped you out of countless tough spots and dire situations in the past. From helping with homework to finding your way in an unfamiliar town to teaching you to love again after your heart was broken back in the 8th grade, it has always been there for you. You turn, of course, to Google (and, more specifically, to gmail chat).

Scanning your contacts list with increasing dismay, you realize that none of your friends are online. In fact, the only person who is online is that weird kid from your math class the year before. You don’t know much about him, because he only ever talked to ask for help on whatever assignment you had for the day. And even those conversations were brief because, more often than not, you were asleep or ignoring the work completely in some other way. Just as you move to close the browser in disgust and actually do your work, you notice his status change.

“this computer doesn’t even have JAVA?!??!?!?!?!”
The interrobangs catch your eye and the sheer ridiculousness of the question hooks you in. He seems to be lost in his own world of strange priorities (Java on the computers) and stranger expectations (Java on the computers). His gmail status, you soon realize, is a window into this world, and you, voyeur that you are, can’t resist peeking in.

Over the next few days, you share in his experiences. You laugh as he celebrates beating what you assume is some computer game (“OH MY GOD, I BEAT 5X5!!!!” he raves). You gasp in concern as he defies his mentor and stands up for his principles (“screw it, I’m right. my mentor’s wrong,” he declares, steeling himself for the clash of wills ahead, “x.x”) and then chuckle as he learns the hard way to trust in experience (“x.x”). You sit puzzled as he boldly speaks his mind (declaring “The bathroom smells like popcorn; it smells delicious”). You’re shocked as, one, day, the tone of the status changes dramatically. “Waldman…” he warns ominously and a million questions race through your head. Who is Waldman? What could he have done to evoke such ire? Okay… two questions race through your head. But they’re big questions. Slightly worried for your little friend, you realize that you can’t really do anything but wait.

Luckily, things are back to normal by the next day. He frantically scrambles to do his work (“OMG, where’s the integral sign in Matlab!?!??”). Evidently he’s found it by the end of the day, though, because he has time to ponder politics. As he wonders “Why is Obama so popular?” you can tell he has no idea who Obama is. You imagine him wonder to himself “Obama… Obama… why does that sound so familiar… was he in my Spanish class last year?” The next day brings another shock with a gmail status of “gay, so gay.” Who is he calling gay? Could it be Waldman? What is going on between those two? But again, you are forced to wait and worry.

The next few days find the subject of your study uncharacteristically happy, full of Disney songs and similar lyrics such as “Oh baby, baby this is not a lie Let’s stop this tonight.” You wonder for the thousandth time whether he realizes that anyone could read his gmail status, but just smile and continue with your day.

And then, one day, the pieces finally start to fit together. The morning starts with “Waldman, omg I’m gonna get you.” You spend the better part of the morning puzzling over this not-so-new development. You finally get your answer that afternoon, when his status changes to “SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY.” You gasp in epiphany as you realize that he’s not insulting anyone, or directing that at anyone else. All this time, he’s been talking about himself, revealing his inner thoughts and feelings. You realize that all along, he hasn’t been angry at Waldman. Those seemingly ominous status messages are not the angry warnings of a spited coworker, rather they tell a tale of a young man declaring his love to the world. Your heart aches as you discover that you’ve come to understand this strange boy, watching his trials and tribulations, his soaring victories and crushing defeats. A single tear rolls down your cheek for the love that you now know can never be.