AP- Reports of shocking neighbor-against-neighbor violence have recently surfaced in a small 16×30 grid on your computer monitor. Under the euphemism “sweeping mines,” savage gangs of numbers have been assaulting, maiming, and in a few cases even killing those squares marked as mines. It seems that once a certain square has been “flagged,” it is set upon by the extremely violent numbers surrounding it.

“That flag means it’s undesirable,” said a 2 earlier today. “Once the cursor marks him and leaves, we can do whatever we need to do to deal with the situation.” Apparently, this includes murdering in cold blood.

Defending themselves against accusations of brutality and murder, a group of numbers spoke out today. “Those mines are threatening our families! If we don’t uncover them and take care of them, they could destroy our entire way of life. The world as we know it could come to an end if those mines are left unchecked. Have you ever seen an 8? They’re terrified! It’s not fair to ask an innocent number to live under these conditions.”

Another complaint voiced by the numbers was that the mines almost always live under cover, undetected by the surrounding community. “When I think that my little 1’s are living right next to these horrible creatures without even knowing it, well, it- it keeps me up at night!” said a 5. “What responsible parent wouldn’t feel this way?”

The mines themselves take a different view. “Look, we can’t help it!” said one, speaking under the condition of anonymity. “We were born this way! It’s not our fault if we’re different from you! How can you possibly justify such inhuman actions?” How indeed? “I hate to say it, but inhuman actions are justified against things that aren’t human,” said a 4. “Those mines are basically subhuman. The only way I would tolerate their existence is if they were placed in special camps where we wouldn’t have to come into contact with them.”

When reached for comment, the cursor professed ignorance of the situation. “I did not know this was going on. But, I mean, even if I did, what could I do to stop it? I’m just one cursor… I don’t have the resources necessary to do anything about it. Plus, it’s not really that big a deal, right?”

What about the cases where a square has been mistakenly identified as a mine? “Horrible as it sounds, and while it is regrettable, certain sacrifices need to be made for the sake of safety, “ said a spokesnumber for Numbers Against Mines, a prominent number-advocacy group. “Actually, I wouldn’t be against a law that would allow the government to look at each square’s personal information to find out if they’re a mine,” he continued.

And what of the rare “question mark” cases, where a square is labeled with a question mark? “Well, we won’t kill him, but we might rough him up or take his money,” said a gang leader. “Can’t be too careful.”

Will this conflict ever come to a peaceful resolution? Only time will tell. Right now time seems to be telling that this will not end peacefully. There is even the possibility of uprisings. “Us mines, we’re basically afraid for our lives right now. But if enough of us get angry enough, who knows what might happen. We might just decide to overpower our oppressors and take back what is ours! Dammit, the time is now! Chaaaaaaaaaarge!”

Further bulletins as events warrant. Well, I guess events do warrant some further bulletins right now. But I don’t care, I’m not staying embedded in this warzone! I might get like beheaded or something! Get your news somewhere else, please.