To Whom It May Concern:

I was going to finish up the article I had started last week and post it today, but then I realized that you guys deserve better than some half-assed parody of what it feels like to play the oboe, or a list of uses for a thimble full of hair. Even if it was fully-assed, I don’t think that would’ve cut it, at least not this late in the game. And it’s pretty late in the game. The final buzzer sounded a week ago, and my team didn’t even show up. It was still a pretty close game though actually, I mean the other team had to sit out most of the game after getting a “Warning: Schemes.” Anyway I’m getting off track. What I wanted to say was: I’m sorry.

I know you guys have it tough. It’s hard being a reader. You’re out there every day, moving your eyeballs all over the place, without getting anything in return. All you ask is a paltry 1000 words a week to get you through your divorce. Wait, couldn’t I just post a picture every week then? But no, that was outlawed under the Geneva Pornventions of 19X7. Anyway, most of the time, your needs have been satisfied. But last week, tragedy struck. Thousands of you (1 you = 1/1000 people) logged on to the site, expecting something that would at least conjure up a smile. Instead, what did you find? Don’t try to guess. It’s a trick question. You didn’t find anything. You found the absence of something. Desperately, you clicked refresh, until it became clear that there would be no update. And that’s when it hit you. The brick that I had suspended over all of your heads, I mean. (I thought I could concuss you into forgetting that I hadn’t updated, but I should’ve realized that amnesia only works if you believe in it, and clearly you guys all don’t.)

I’m sure you’re all now wondering “so what the hell were you doing instead of updating?” Well, I’ll tell you: fighting for my life against a swarm of heavily made-up journalists. That’s right, I almost fell victim to the dreaded International Columnist Clownspiracy. It seems they had gotten wind of my humorous articles here on the last bastion of the free press, ObscurePorn.com, and felt threatened by them. They came crashing through my window in the middle of the night and nearly killed me. Actually, I’m surprised no one else in the building woke up, since they actually brought a herd of elephants with them. But it was just me against a gang of maniacal notepad-wielding clowns. How did I escape? Well, that’s a story for another time. And that time is now. Thinking quickly, I seized the closest implement at hand: a tissue. Discarding this as completely useless, I then picked up the second closest implement: a machine gun. Let’s just say that after I got done with them, you could nominate these clowns for sainthood, cause they were really hole-y! Ha! I actually made that wisecrack right after I had mercilessly gunned them down.

But that wasn’t all! My troubles weren’t over that night! Just as I was about to hit the “publish” button on ObscurePorn.com, releasing my article to the world, I fell off a cliff. Sounds like certain doom, doesn’t it? Fortunately for me (and for you (but mostly for me)), I am an expert in cliff-diving. I activated my telepathic connection with my pet panda-bird, who swooped in and caught me before I splattered all over the landscape. We were well on our way back to civilization when we were attacked by pterodactyls! These guys were vicious! They forced us down onto a remote plateau, and I thought it was over for sure. But then it turned out that those ‘dactyls just wanted to sell me insurance. I argued with them for a while, assuring them that I didn’t need to be covered in the event of a dislocated hat, but then I realized that time was running out and if I wanted to get home in time to post, I had better just buy some insurance. They finally left and I decided to take the teleporter home. Unfortunately, it was malfunctioning, and I got deposited among the Aleut people in the Arctic. Well, you can imagine how long it would take to get back from there! What happened was-

Oh all right you caught me! The Aleuts only live in the Aleutian Islands; I really meant to say Inuit! I can’t believe I made such a stupid mistake in my story. Everything else was airtight! Yes, I tried to lie my way out of an apology. Now I just look even more foolish. Well all right, I’m sorry for not updating, and I’m sorry for lying, and I’m just a terrible person all around. Can you ever forgive me? I forgave you that one time! And actually, you know what, I’m a little sick of the sanctimonious attitude you always have! Everything’s always my fault. Why can’t you ever take responsibility for anything? No, you listen! I just… I can’t see this relationship working out unless we’re equal partners. Writer and reader, it’s a symbiotic connection- well actually I guess it’s more parasitic. Seriously I’ve had it with you. Look, you’ve even managed to turn my apology into an argument.

All right everybody, due to recent (as in, the last paragraph) events, I have made a momentous decision. Ahem. Can I have your attention please. Effective immediately, I hereby resign from ObscurePorn.com, in order to spend more time with my family.

No, don’t cry, it’s not that bad, we’ll always have the memories. Well, I won’t, since I’m about to go experimental memory-removing surgery, but you will. Wait, are those- are those tears of joy? Oh, screw you! That’s it, everybody, please listen up again, I hereby announce my comeback from retirement, and will resume my weekly schedule on ObscurePorn.com.

Well, almost weekly.