So, I don’t generally like to talk about politics a lot, mostly because it’s boring, or something. I forgot why I don’t like to talk about it. But I remember that I’m against talking about it. And those are my views.

BUT, with all this nonsense going on in the news these days with elections and nominations and primaries and presumptions and delegates and superdelegates and bizzaro delegates, even I find myself getting swept up in all this political election mumbo jumbo. So, I thought I’d offer my review of the presidential candidates now that we can safely presume who its gonna be.

Barack Obama

A lot of people seem to think Barack Obama is like the candidate of the future or something. People be acting like hes the next Abraham Lincoln and getting all ready to carve his face in a mountain or put his dick on a dollar bill. But really, are all these things people say true? What a well worded article. I hope she can continue to do things in the future. Let’s break it down.

He’s a force for change. This seems to be the main attraction of this particular candidate. But really, how much will he really be able to really change, really? He claims to have what it takes to bring change in the form of reforming health care, ending the war, decreasing the influence of lobbyists, and other crap like that. But what else can he change? Can he change a tire? Can he change his own habits of putting prepositions at the end of slogans? “Change we can believe in”? How about “Change in which we can believe”? HUH? HOW ABOUT THAT

He can unify the country. What are you, retarded? We’ve been unified since like 1776 or thereabouts. That’s why it’s called the United States of America. We even had a whole war about it. And guess what. We won. Because this is America, and that’s what we do. We win. Besides, what else can he unify? Can he unify a tire? Can he unify some freakin grammar up in here?? Now that would be a change in which I could believe.

He’s good at giving speeches. Well, I can go for this one. He’s pretty good at giving speeches. I like the way he takes off his jacket sometimes when hes giving a speech and rolls up his sleeves. That’s how you know he’s working hard, or identifying with the people, or something. I also like how he visits a lot of places to speak. Today he was in Virginia, and a lot of people I know saw him in Massachusetts. I bet he’ll also go to Maryland, and North Carolina, and California, and Iowa, and Louisiana, and South Carolina, and South Dakota, and Oregon, and North Carolina, and Virginia, all the way to the White House!!! BYAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

John McCain

A lot of people seem to think John McCain is a Republican. As such, he has the advantage of having an IQ above 70, unlike George W. Bush, and of not being batshit crazy, unlike Mitt Romney. However, Fez Whatley was definitely right about one thing: John McCain is a real-life Droopy Dog (edit: wait, maybe that was Joe Lieberman.  Whatever, these guys all look alike). Seriously, check it out:

McCain is the one on the left. How about that, UN CANNY. He freakin sounds like him too. Maybe not, but he still sounds ridiculous. AND, he’s from Arizona. Hey, McCain. Try getting a real football team. This isn’t the year of destiny, I don’t care if you do have Matt Leinart instead of Kurt Fumbletown Warner or Josh Tears Of McCown. If you want you can bring the Cardinals back to the NFC East so that the Redskins can roll all over them twice a year.

ANYway. Let’s check out the issues, or whatever.

He’s Tough on Terror. Oh yeah? Where’s his track record of tracking down terrorists, then? If he’s so tough on terror, why haven’t we caught Osama Bin Laden or Barack Obama? I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty terrified right now. Or maybe I’m just terrific. One of those. Anyway. Let’s not let the terrorists win, we must win the war on Dangerous Elevators.

He’s Ill on Illegal Immigration. Shoot, that doesn’t sound right. Maybe it was supposed to be that he’s tough on illegal immigration. Boy, this guy is tough on a lot of things, isn’t he? He’s a real tough guy, apparently. But there are too many unanswered questions. Is he tough on tires, for instance? The truth is out there, but we may never know.

So, those are your choices. They may be crappy candidates, but they’re our crappy candidates. And that’s what really matters. That and the fact that neither of them are Hillary Clinton (burrrrrn). But um yeah actually maybe they’re not so bad at all. Either way, y’all gotta pick someone, so here’s my two cents. Go buy yourself .005 gallons of gas.