the halftime portion of the telecast/webcast/whatever for tomorrow’s game… im leakin this shit
the best part is at around 4:00
Category: Entertainment
The Cage Fight
23:20 <benpedxing58> no you’re thinking of someone else
23:20 <mvid> i see
23:20 <benpedxing58> ok well g2g
23:21 <mvid> night
23:21 <benpedxing58> see you… in the cage
23:21 -!- benpedxing58 [bensfakeaddress@gmail.com] has quit [Leaving…]
As everyone can plainly see, Ben Strauss has challenged me to a cage fight. I have no choice but to accept. Details here:
El Etnografo
i hope yall know spanish cuz theres no subtitles
Summer Project
First: Watch this video
Next, think: Wouldn’t this video be much better if it was remade with the fake translation as the actual lyrics? And who would make a great Benny Lava… would not Mihir?
Now that you agree to be involved, we need to start casting.
Benny “Ed” Lava – Mihir Narain
Belinda –
His Brother –
Nuns –
A High School Girl –
A puppy –
Oliver –
An Armored Pundit –
A Yellow Goat –
A Nerd –
Uncool Boar –
Hindi Yew –
A Barber –
A Crazy Hindu –
A Ninja –
Donna –
10+ Male Extras
10+ Female Extras
Ben, get the wheels turning.
TBIA TBEFTZ: Act I
Slowly fade in on a park bench. There’s a lot of hustle and bustle going behind and in front of it. As we get closer we see that a strange man is sitting on it. He is kind of just staring off into space in front of him, but his expression is getting more and more distressed. Just as he is about to explode, a kid and his mom walk past quickly and we follow them. It’s clear that we are in a zoo.
Kid- Mommy mommy I wanna see the bear!
Mom (clearly not paying attention)- Mm-hmm.
Kid- Mommy! Did you hear me? I wanna see the bear! (he is jumping up and down a little bit by this point)
Mom- well, I want an abortion, but we can’t always get what we want, can we? Actually, I- I really want to see the bear also. At least that one didn’t take me five years to figure out.
As they are walking, they pass by a cage with a monkey in it, who plunges a knife into the other monkey in the cage. In another cage, we see a cow who says “M-O-O.”
Kid- can I see the bear yet?!
Mom- we’re almost there, aright? And when we get there, could you try to tone it down a little? It’s kind of embarrassing.
They approach the bear section of the zoo. Unfortunately, it’s becoming clear that something is horribly wrong. There are police cars and cops all over the place.
Mom (to closest police officer)- Officer, what’s going on? Are- are we gonna get to see the bear?
Officer- Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to step away from the crime scene.
Mom- Crime? What crime? There’s no crime! I have a license for this child, I swear, I just left it-
Officer- No, it’s not that, it’s- well, take a look for yourself (he motions in a direction).
Mom- wait, didn’t you just say I had to step away?
Officer- Jesus Christ, fine! I was trying to do you a favor! I- I just thought maybe it would make you like me, and then we could like go out sometime? I dunno, it sounds stupid, but-
Mom (obviously a little unnerved)- uh, right, so I’m just gonna look over in this direction-
The crowd parts and a scene comes into view: a cage with the label “BEAR BEAR BEAR BEAR FLYING SQU-” and we can’t see the rest. But, there’s nothing in the cage! And one of the walls of the cage is violently torn open from the inside. Cut back to Mom.
Mom (very distressed)- Oh no… this situation is unbearable!
Kid (disgusted)- Sometimes, I can barely stand to be with you.
Officer- I bear witness to the fact that you both are fuckin’ retards.
Mom- look, I’m sick of bearing the brunt of your insults!
Officer- too bad, you’re just gonna have to grin and bear it.
Kid- Mom, you’re really doing the bare minimum as a parent here.
Mom- well, it’s hard! There are a lot of barriers for working moms!
Officer- yeah, but still! I mean, look at this kid’s clothes! They’re completely threadbare!
Mom- well, we’re kind of poor, OK? I had to make them with my bare hands!
Officer- but you’re not even providing the bare necessities.
Kid- yeah, I might as well be one of those old timey characters wearing a barrel!
Mom- look, I apologize, but if you’ll just bear with me, I’ll-
Kid- no! I wish you were dead and buried!
Officer (to Kid)- well you know, you would have to be a pallbearer in that situation.
Mom (to Kid)- how can you say that?! You make it sound like I’m some nasty old barracuda!
Officer- well you know what they say: it takes one to know a bear! (They all stare at him.) …What?
At this point the strange man from the beginning walks by and stares in shock at the mangled cage. After a few seconds, he starts to walk away and we follow him. It seems as though he is walking faster but then it becomes clear that the film is just speeding up. We follow him as he exits the zoo, walks a few blocks, enters an apartment building, walks up three flights of stairs, and enters his apartment. He does some stuff that we can’t really see cause the film is so fast, and eventually goes to sleep. We watch him sleep and then wake up in the morning and go into his kitchen to eat breakfast. By the end, the film is going really fast, but as he goes into the kitchen it suddenly goes back to normal. He has two roommates that are also eating breakfast. He sits down at the table and picks up the newspaper. On the front is a big headline: “The Bear Escapes From the Zoo.” He leafs through the paper for a little while, then shakes his head. Throughout this scene, the headline is visible in the bottom half of the screen.
Man- I can’t believe what happened with that bear!
Roommate #1- I know, pretty crazy.
A medium-length pause.
Man (forcefully)- Guys, I think we should find that bear.
Roommate #2- …What?
Man- Yeah! I really think we should do it!
Roommate #1- Why, is there a reward or something?
Man- No, I just think we should do it!
Roommate #1 (glances at Roommate #2)- Uh, I don’t know about that. It sounds like a lot of effort.
The man looks down at his paper again. Short pause.
Roommate #2 (to Roommate #1)- Hey, did you finish painting that corpse?
Roommate #1 (lifts an arm out from under the table)- Yeah, almost, I just have to do the arms-
Man (slamming his fist down on the table)- Guys, we have to find that bear!
Roommate #1- Wha- dude, you’re like obsessed with that bear!
Man- What are you talking about?
Roommate #1- I’m just saying, you keep bringing it up!
Man- Well yeah, cause, I mean… (Pause)
Roommate #2- …What? What is it?
Remember we still see the headline in the bottom of the screen.
Man (hesitantly at first)- Well, cause… (now forcefully) Because (as he says these last four words they appear in the air above the headline) THIS BEAR IS AWESOME!
Animated titles. Something cool involving a bear, I don’t know. At the end, we pull away to show that it was playing on a projector screen. The man is standing next to the screen pointing at it with a pointer.
Man- And if that extensively researched Powerpoint presentation doesn’t convince you, nothing will.
Cut to the two roommates sitting in chairs looking dubious.
Roommate #2- …Really? You thought Powerpoint was the best way to convince us?
Roommate #1- You could’ve at least had some wacky transitions or something.
Man- OK FINE NOTHING WILL. I’ll just go find the bear myself.
Roommate #1 (pointing)- He’s right there.
Man (whirling around)- Aah! (He realizes what’s happened.) No, that’s the Powerpoint I just showed you! That’s just a picture of a bear.
Roommate #1- I wasn’t talking about that, I was talking about the bear that’s right there! (pointing again)
Man (jumps)- Aah! Oh my god, it’s him! That’s the bear! Right outside on the fire escape! (we don’t actually see it; we’re still looking at the man.) Get him!
He charges toward the window but doesn’t open it so he just bonks into it and falls down.
Man- Dammit! He got away! What was he doing here anyway though? Suspicious… damned suspicious… almost too suspicious… (we zoom in on his worried face as dramatic music plays and the screen fades to black.)
END OF ACT I (of several)
Time to Face Facts
This site is dead. I know, it sucks. it had such potential. Well, not really.
We kind of went in the wrong direction from our original idea of a site based entirely off of the traffic from people looking for creepy fetish pornography. Not that we get much of a direction with that base, but it also gives us the freedom to write about anything we want.
But somehow, even with an audience that expects nothing and no restrictions we managed to fuck this up. Here are the problems we have, as I see them:
- A Terrible Layout: Sorry Hysen, but this layout truly is awful. It dies going toward the right, it is ugly busy, and really just looks like one of the template site designs from Microsoft Front Page 2000. It makes me not want to visit the site. I do like the purple and white, however. It just wasn’t implemented well. This link gives a pretty straightforward tutorial for making a nice layout, but I’m not Photoshop savvy enough to get past step 6.
- No Recurring Authors: All of the writers who used to write now just, well, don’t. I don’t understand why people decided to hold themselves to deadlines and schedules. No one fucking cares that your article came out a day late. Just write. It’s entertaining when it comes. We aren’t thinking about it when it’s not there.
So.
Ben, start writing again. I don’t care how often.
Eric, I expect your opinion of political conditions because we are in the middle of what could be the next big anal penetration for America. Also tell me who to vote for, and why other people are dumb.
Cole, this may only be for me and a select few, but tell me what is going on in the tech world.
Shaggy, i dunno man, just do what you do.
Stamm, quotes if you must, or write some original content. Superheroes? Ben is working on the talk show, so the topic is open for you.
Hyder, stocks.
Nick, you are our bbc.
Pawel, write about being lazy.
Vadis, I heard yo expressed interest in actually reviewing weird porn. Go for it
Also, if anyone wants to do anything else or not do anything at all, go ahead. This is for our own entertainment anyway. If the site stays dead, it’s a shame. We have too many good people.
The Great Comparison
The Translocator: The translocator was originally created by the Liandri Mining Corporation to allow the workers to be able to escape in the event of a cave in. The translocator is a disc, that fits into a launcher and can be launched in for a great distance in any direction.
Pros: This gun can be fire fired anywhere, and with a little clever use of physics can allow the user to a very wide range of transport. As the translocator forcibly places the person in the area of the disc, anything else that is there is vaporized. This makes the translocator a somewhat unique weapon. The translocator can be opened anywhere (in midflight, under water, in a teleport, etc..), allowing the user to hop around quickly.
Cons: The translocator can only be used by the person wielding it, and it is a one way trip. To get back, the disc must be relaunched. The translocator has a terrible aversion to a person carrying a flag while using it. It looks ugly as all hell.
The Portal Gun: The portal gun is a hand held device produced by the Aperture Science Center. This gun can fire two “portals”, one orange and one blue, that open a gateway between each other. It can pick up and carry objects.
Pros: After the portal ends are set, anything and anyone can go through them. Single ends of the portal can be manipulated independently of each other, which coupled with the fact momentum of objects is conserved through the portal, allows the user to propel themselves wherever they please (this of course, takes a certain amount of skill and a high tolerance for pain). It is aesthetically appealing
Cons: Because the portal gun is so contrary to our perception of physics, it is very easy to mess up while using it. VERY EASY. The user has to have a visible line between them and the desired portal position, which makes portal placement limited. In addition, the portal itself is a passive and nonviolent entity, even though it could be used indirectly for violent purposes (such as dropping blocks on people, making them fall until they reach terminal velocity and catch fire, launching them into the sun, etc..).
Author’s choice: Both? I don’t know they both have their purposes, and having a translocator I could fire through a portal would be sweet.
How To: Laptop Stealth
So I’ve realized some teachers actually give a shit about whether or not you are fucking around on your laptop in class. To catch people who are off task, the TAs/minions will lazily walk around the room, looking at peoples monitors. I am here to show you a few way to easily avoid being caught, while maintaining the ability to do whatever you want.
If you are a Mac user, you can download Nocturne, a cool program that will make the rest of this guide simple.
Preparatory steps:
– Sit away from an aisle, or the direct back of the class if the TAs walk around there.
– Turn your sound off.
Step 1. Turn down your screen brightness. Seems obvious. It will make it much harder for someone not directly in front of the computer to see what is happening on the screen. Nocturne can be set to automatically lower the screen brightness whenever it is used.
Step 2. Stay away from color. Color is what gives you away, and what people
look for when they focus on something. Not having a colorful screen will leave the TA without enough reason to call you out. Nocturne will automatically monochrome and invert the color on your display.
Step 3. Don’t watch movies. Peripheral vision is best suited for catching motion, so it will grab the attention of anyone scanning the room. Plus, movies need sound, and having your speakers or headphones is suspicious.
Warning: Schemes
Man, I am very into coming up with awesome ideas, but being unable to carry them to fruition.
[1:20] <Mantas> help me think of some of the stuff we did
[1:20] <Mantas> the crazy plans
[1:21] <Mantas> that never got finished
[1:21] <Grog> there are so many
[1:21] <Grog> nigh-infinity
Let’s have a list of some of the ones I remember:
Cookies for everyone funding, ninja outfits, making our own coca cola, graffiti, making an AIM AI with a true personality, Parkour, 3D Pool, “Grammar Team vs. The Murder Monkey”, making a 3 foot ballista capable of firing a ping pong ball into a brick wall, Bacon Fridays, the Zelda MAN skit, The fully physics programmed “Gullivers Travels 2: Gullivers Revenge” stick figure fighting game, making obscureporn.com, engaging in a Spartan training program, hacking/ questionably legal stuff, my kickass gigantic capture the flag game, flaming nunchaku/whip, the Caleb Survival Guide, telling Henry Scher he is Caleb, the Triumvirate of me nick and david, the Great Trip, the Lesser Trip, Thermite, Neo-Darwinian Dogma, write a comic for silver chips, This versus That, changing construction road signs, senior magnet picnic, etc.
Now, by no means have I given up on any of these. I just don’t usually remember them enough to make any forward progress with them.
i will continue adding to this list if i remember more
I Can't Believe Some of These Movies They're Making
Can you believe some of these movies they’ve been making? I know I can’t. And now I find out that they’re making even more movies like that! What the heck! Here are some upcoming movies I can’t believe they’re making:
The Wizard of Oz 2
The description on the official website reads, “Dorothy awakens again to find that both her existence in Kansas and her adventure in Oz were dreams! In reality, she is a drug-addicted promiscuous singer/actress who requires constant validation of her self-worth! Using footage of the late Judy Garland in a style similar to what was done with Marlon Brando in Superman Returns, this is a shameless cash-in on an established property- I mean a way of introducing Dorothy to the next generation of moviegoers!”
The Sex and the City Movie
Does anyone believe that these actresses are as young as the characters they are portraying? Come on! Artistic license only goes so far!
The Seinfeld Movie
Inspired by the recent success of The Simpsons Movie, Hollywood has announced that it will be turning perhaps the most successful sitcom of all time into a movie. Unfortunately, due to recent less-than-appropriate remarks by main cast member Michael Richards, he will have to be replaced by a different actor to avoid a PR nightmare. Rumors suggest that the role of Kramer will be filled by Rob Schneider, though I fail to see how people hate him less than Michael Richards. At least he has one thing in common with Jason Alexander: neither of them have made any money in recent memory. Julia Louis-Dreyfuss will also not be featured in the movie because, quote, “I’ve worked so hard to distance myself from Seinfeld (and Seinfeld) that I just can’t see going back, especially now that I have a wildly successful [sic] TV series of my own.” Jerry Seinfeld himself will be in the movie, alyeahthough, to accommodate his new laid-back lifestyle, his contract stipulates that he only has to work for half an hour per day. Industry projections show a catastrophic box-office and critical failure for this movie, which will ruin the memory of the show for its legions of fans.
King Kong
Not satisfied with his first remake, Peter Jackson has announced plans to film another remake of the cinema classic King Kong. This new film will join the original 1933 version, the 1933, 1962, 1967, and 1986 sequels, the 1976 remake, and, of course, the 2005 remake. The new version promises to take boredom and stratospheric budgets to new levels.
Pac-Man
Apparently the recent video game movie craze has reached insanity levels. This movie claims to chronicle “the riveting exploits of America’s yellowest hero, Pac-Man.” In a remarkably thoughtful decision, the studio has decided not to simply recreate the gameplay of the arcade game, which would just consist of 90 minutes of the main character gliding through a maze eating dots. However, in an equally wrongheaded move, the movie will instead be a Hollywood action movie-style “re-imagining” of the Pac-Man mythos. In this version, Pac-Man will be a gun-toting, profanity-using anti-hero who single-handedly takes on the mob to recover a stolen stash of “white dots.” He will be played by a heavily made-up John Travolta.
Movie: The Movie
Details on this project remain difficult to find. Speculation runs rampant, with some predicting that it will simply consist of a one-second clip of every movie ever made (though the cost of the rights alone would be overwhelming), and others saying it will be a mash-up of all the genres (a dangerous superspy, accompanied by his wisecracking and foul-mouthed friends, embarks on an epic quest to survive a warzone while searching for a mystic talisman that will banish the evil spirits that are haunting a nearby small town in which a peculiar murder has just occurred; one of the suspects is a beautiful woman who is almost ready to love again, if she can only defuse the bomb in time. Her son is the last hope of the town’s basketball team, but to win, he has to travel into the future and save the galaxy, periodically bursting into song). In any case, this independent film is sure to be a come-from-behind blockbuster.
Obscure Porn: The Movie
In a desperate attempt to stir up publicity for its failing website, Obscure Porn is releasing a movie version of itself. What is this movie even going to be about? It’s not like the website contains a single linear narrative off of which to base a movie. Also, if the movie is produced in anything like the manner in which the website is managed, it is going to be unwatchable. I predict disaster.
Your Life Story
Are you serious? Your life story is getting adapted into a movie? That is so ridiculous. You haven’t done anything worthwhile! Look at you! Right now you’re just sitting in front of a computer screen reading some stupid website! That is not noteworthy at all. You haven’t done anything heroic, or inspiring, or even comical. Believe me, I’ve known you pretty well for a number of years, and I could barely stand to live through your life story. I doubt anyone wants to sit through a condensed version of it for 90 minutes. Cease development on this project immediately.