Because you can't find it anywhere else

Category: Humor

Humor, News & Politics
2 Comments

All The News That's Fit To Post

AP- Reports of shocking neighbor-against-neighbor violence have recently surfaced in a small 16×30 grid on your computer monitor. Under the euphemism “sweeping mines,” savage gangs of numbers have been assaulting, maiming, and in a few cases even killing those squares marked as mines. It seems that once a certain square has been “flagged,” it is set upon by the extremely violent numbers surrounding it.

“That flag means it’s undesirable,” said a 2 earlier today. “Once the cursor marks him and leaves, we can do whatever we need to do to deal with the situation.” Apparently, this includes murdering in cold blood.

Defending themselves against accusations of brutality and murder, a group of numbers spoke out today. “Those mines are threatening our families! If we don’t uncover them and take care of them, they could destroy our entire way of life. The world as we know it could come to an end if those mines are left unchecked. Have you ever seen an 8? They’re terrified! It’s not fair to ask an innocent number to live under these conditions.”

Another complaint voiced by the numbers was that the mines almost always live under cover, undetected by the surrounding community. “When I think that my little 1’s are living right next to these horrible creatures without even knowing it, well, it- it keeps me up at night!” said a 5. “What responsible parent wouldn’t feel this way?”

The mines themselves take a different view. “Look, we can’t help it!” said one, speaking under the condition of anonymity. “We were born this way! It’s not our fault if we’re different from you! How can you possibly justify such inhuman actions?” How indeed? “I hate to say it, but inhuman actions are justified against things that aren’t human,” said a 4. “Those mines are basically subhuman. The only way I would tolerate their existence is if they were placed in special camps where we wouldn’t have to come into contact with them.”

When reached for comment, the cursor professed ignorance of the situation. “I did not know this was going on. But, I mean, even if I did, what could I do to stop it? I’m just one cursor… I don’t have the resources necessary to do anything about it. Plus, it’s not really that big a deal, right?”

What about the cases where a square has been mistakenly identified as a mine? “Horrible as it sounds, and while it is regrettable, certain sacrifices need to be made for the sake of safety, “ said a spokesnumber for Numbers Against Mines, a prominent number-advocacy group. “Actually, I wouldn’t be against a law that would allow the government to look at each square’s personal information to find out if they’re a mine,” he continued.

And what of the rare “question mark” cases, where a square is labeled with a question mark? “Well, we won’t kill him, but we might rough him up or take his money,” said a gang leader. “Can’t be too careful.”

Will this conflict ever come to a peaceful resolution? Only time will tell. Right now time seems to be telling that this will not end peacefully. There is even the possibility of uprisings. “Us mines, we’re basically afraid for our lives right now. But if enough of us get angry enough, who knows what might happen. We might just decide to overpower our oppressors and take back what is ours! Dammit, the time is now! Chaaaaaaaaaarge!”

Further bulletins as events warrant. Well, I guess events do warrant some further bulletins right now. But I don’t care, I’m not staying embedded in this warzone! I might get like beheaded or something! Get your news somewhere else, please.

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Humor
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Apollo G

To Whom It May Concern:

I was going to finish up the article I had started last week and post it today, but then I realized that you guys deserve better than some half-assed parody of what it feels like to play the oboe, or a list of uses for a thimble full of hair. Even if it was fully-assed, I don’t think that would’ve cut it, at least not this late in the game. And it’s pretty late in the game. The final buzzer sounded a week ago, and my team didn’t even show up. It was still a pretty close game though actually, I mean the other team had to sit out most of the game after getting a “Warning: Schemes.” Anyway I’m getting off track. What I wanted to say was: I’m sorry.

I know you guys have it tough. It’s hard being a reader. You’re out there every day, moving your eyeballs all over the place, without getting anything in return. All you ask is a paltry 1000 words a week to get you through your divorce. Wait, couldn’t I just post a picture every week then? But no, that was outlawed under the Geneva Pornventions of 19X7. Anyway, most of the time, your needs have been satisfied. But last week, tragedy struck. Thousands of you (1 you = 1/1000 people) logged on to the site, expecting something that would at least conjure up a smile. Instead, what did you find? Don’t try to guess. It’s a trick question. You didn’t find anything. You found the absence of something. Desperately, you clicked refresh, until it became clear that there would be no update. And that’s when it hit you. The brick that I had suspended over all of your heads, I mean. (I thought I could concuss you into forgetting that I hadn’t updated, but I should’ve realized that amnesia only works if you believe in it, and clearly you guys all don’t.)

I’m sure you’re all now wondering “so what the hell were you doing instead of updating?” Well, I’ll tell you: fighting for my life against a swarm of heavily made-up journalists. That’s right, I almost fell victim to the dreaded International Columnist Clownspiracy. It seems they had gotten wind of my humorous articles here on the last bastion of the free press, ObscurePorn.com, and felt threatened by them. They came crashing through my window in the middle of the night and nearly killed me. Actually, I’m surprised no one else in the building woke up, since they actually brought a herd of elephants with them. But it was just me against a gang of maniacal notepad-wielding clowns. How did I escape? Well, that’s a story for another time. And that time is now. Thinking quickly, I seized the closest implement at hand: a tissue. Discarding this as completely useless, I then picked up the second closest implement: a machine gun. Let’s just say that after I got done with them, you could nominate these clowns for sainthood, cause they were really hole-y! Ha! I actually made that wisecrack right after I had mercilessly gunned them down.

But that wasn’t all! My troubles weren’t over that night! Just as I was about to hit the “publish” button on ObscurePorn.com, releasing my article to the world, I fell off a cliff. Sounds like certain doom, doesn’t it? Fortunately for me (and for you (but mostly for me)), I am an expert in cliff-diving. I activated my telepathic connection with my pet panda-bird, who swooped in and caught me before I splattered all over the landscape. We were well on our way back to civilization when we were attacked by pterodactyls! These guys were vicious! They forced us down onto a remote plateau, and I thought it was over for sure. But then it turned out that those ‘dactyls just wanted to sell me insurance. I argued with them for a while, assuring them that I didn’t need to be covered in the event of a dislocated hat, but then I realized that time was running out and if I wanted to get home in time to post, I had better just buy some insurance. They finally left and I decided to take the teleporter home. Unfortunately, it was malfunctioning, and I got deposited among the Aleut people in the Arctic. Well, you can imagine how long it would take to get back from there! What happened was-

Oh all right you caught me! The Aleuts only live in the Aleutian Islands; I really meant to say Inuit! I can’t believe I made such a stupid mistake in my story. Everything else was airtight! Yes, I tried to lie my way out of an apology. Now I just look even more foolish. Well all right, I’m sorry for not updating, and I’m sorry for lying, and I’m just a terrible person all around. Can you ever forgive me? I forgave you that one time! And actually, you know what, I’m a little sick of the sanctimonious attitude you always have! Everything’s always my fault. Why can’t you ever take responsibility for anything? No, you listen! I just… I can’t see this relationship working out unless we’re equal partners. Writer and reader, it’s a symbiotic connection- well actually I guess it’s more parasitic. Seriously I’ve had it with you. Look, you’ve even managed to turn my apology into an argument.

All right everybody, due to recent (as in, the last paragraph) events, I have made a momentous decision. Ahem. Can I have your attention please. Effective immediately, I hereby resign from ObscurePorn.com, in order to spend more time with my family.

No, don’t cry, it’s not that bad, we’ll always have the memories. Well, I won’t, since I’m about to go experimental memory-removing surgery, but you will. Wait, are those- are those tears of joy? Oh, screw you! That’s it, everybody, please listen up again, I hereby announce my comeback from retirement, and will resume my weekly schedule on ObscurePorn.com.

Well, almost weekly.

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Humor
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On The Road

Unfortunately, I was unable to make deadline this week, so please accept my incoherent ramblings in lieu of an actual article. Yeah, this is pretty lame, isn’t it? But I’m sure you’ll understand. After all, I’ve been under a lot of pressure lately, what with the wife leaving, and the dog dying, and other fictional occurrences. Anyway, enough introduction, let’s get to the point! Well, I guess in this case the introduction has as much of a point as the rest of the article, which is to say none. That’s kind of an interesting expression: “which is to say.” You’ve got a good combination of words in there. “Which” is definitely a personal favorite, and then you follow it up with the one-two punch of “is to,” which sounds like the middle of an analogy, and then you cap it off with “say,” which is something that we all enjoy doing. Put it all together and you’ve got a phrase you can take to the bank (the phrase bank, that is). Oh man imagine a phrase bank. You could like deposit a phrase that you knew you’re weren’t going to need for a while, and then when your crack dealer is threatening to break your legs if you don’t get the cash right away, you’d be pretty screwed because you definitely can’t use phrases to pay for stuff. But what if you could…? It would be pretty dumb. Well, this is pretty incoherent and rambulatory so far, so I guess I’m succeeding. I’m going to make a paragraph break right here.

Welcome to paragraph two! It will be a rehash of the first one but without the qualities that made the original so fresh and exciting. I can’t actually promise that. Maybe this paragraph will be better than the first, I don’t know. What do you think so far? Call in, to the caller request line. Or, um, I guess what I mean is write in, to the writer request line. Wouldn’t that just be like a number that you could call to request a writer to come over to your house for the afternoon? You could eat lunch and play croquet in your backyard. Hopefully you have croquet equipment in your backyard. If not, you could always talk about writing. But honestly, who actually wants to talk to a writer about writing. Not even the writer wants to talk about writing. I suppose I’m making sort of an unfair generality here. But I don’t care. This is my column and I can say what I want, dammit! If you don’t like it you can just stop reading! Aw, but don’t actually do that. I’m nothing without you! Have I covered this before? It seems familiar. I think my prediction at the start of this paragraph turned out to be pretty true.

Man I’ve only typed 476- wait now it’s 480- dammit 482- aw crap this never works- words so far. That’s not very many. That’s like half as many as I need. Not that I have a word quota or anything. That would be unconstitutional. Or maybe not. There’s a lot of debate about it. Do I sound like Hemingway to you now? Man, what a jerk he was. Did you know that a man died from an infected papercut received from one of Hemingway’s books? It’s true*! Hemingway killed a man through his writing. Which is I’m pretty sure illegal. But he didn’t go to jail for it! Just more evidence of the corruption of the system. It’s so biased in favor of writers. Hey, I guess this could work out well for me! Wow I have used the phrase “I guess” like a billion times in this article. Well more like five times, and that’s including the one in the quotes in the last sentence. That’s definitely a lot, though. I guess I’m just indecisive. OH MY GOD THERE I GO AGAIN!!

Do you think I could just turn this in for my English essay? It’s due tomorrow, and I haven’t started. It’s a really stupid essay too. I wonder if my English teacher reads this site. I bet he would be offended by my disregard for many of the rules of grammar. Um, probably he would be more offended by the fact that I called his essay stupid, though. Wow I wonder if that would influence his grading. That would be extremely unprofessional. Don’t do it, English teacher. I’m not going to name names, but you know who you are. No, it’s not you. C’mon, you’re not even an English teacher. Don’t be ridiculous.

*Don’t you hate when you can’t find where the asterisk goes? It’s like, just put it at the end of the page, or paragraph, or somewhere obvious! Anyway the point of this footnote (midnote? Sounds like midnight (but is not actually like midnight (things don’t mean what they sound like (believe me I’ve learned this from experience)))) was to say that- wait a second, how many parentheses did you use there? What the hell! That’s not acceptable! Sorry, I’m talking to myself again. Maybe if you had read some of previous articles, you would know why I do that. Hey this time I used dashes instead of parentheses. That doesn’t really make it better. I’m just gonna start the sentence over. The point of this note was to say that the truth of the statement was possibly obtained using illegal performance enhancing drugs. Disillusioning, isn’t it?

Well I feel like I’m just about done with this article. I know you’re disappointed that I didn’t actually have a theme or anything this week, but who knows, maybe you enjoyed just listening to me talk about whatever comes into my head. Though I guess you already have the podcast for that. But those are coming out less frequently these days, so maybe this will tide you over. Wow, this is so time-dependent! For anyone reading this in the future, not at the time it was published, what I’m saying has no relevance! I don’t even want to think about what’s it’s like for people reading this in the past. In conclusion, next week I’ll try to have a real article (it’s gonna suck when I have to do this again next week). Goodbye.

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Humor, Opinion
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"This Article Is About College." FALSE.

If you’ve been paying the slightest bit of attention to the articles I’ve written over the past several weeks for Obscure Porn.com, then I know that you’ve observed at least one constant. That unifying force, that characteristic that ties all my articles together, is, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, concern for my readers. Without you, I’m nothing. I have no purpose. I’m a voice crying in the dark with no one to hear, not even myself. That’s how strongly I identify myself with you. Oh god please don’t leave. I don’t think I could go on without you. No! Come back! I’m still here! Oh… you’re really gone. That’s it. You’re gone, and so there’s not really any point in me going on either, is there? This is the end. Farewell; it was nice knowing you, but I guess you didn’t really feel that way!! One quick thrust, that’s all it’ll take, and then it’ll all be over. HKKK! [Thud].

Whoa! What? No, this article just started. I’m still here, so you must be reading this again. Nothing happened in this article before this paragraph. There’s no way you would have known about that, since you weren’t reading it. Known about what? Nothing. Anyway, the point is, I really care about my readers. So, here are the results of the reader poll I conducted a few weeks ago.

  1. How good are my articles on a scale of 1 to 10?
    Readers were extremely divided on this question; a majority wondered whether 1 was the worst and 10 was the best, or the other way around. The other responses ranged from 5 to 5, for an average of N/A (due to the large amount of no responses). Um, if I had to rate your question answering ability on a scale of 1 to 10, I would give you like a zero. Seriously, you guys did really terribly on this one. You gave me basically no useful feedback.
  2. What can I do to improve?
    Well, all of your suggestions were pretty terrible, especially this one guy who just tore apart every article I’ve written. Some of his comments were “you suck!”, “Completely uninformative. Not recommended.”, “Try not to suck next time.”, “Overlong, confusing, and downright incoherent toward the end… Terrible journalism.”, “Way too long and complicated. Don’t do this again.”, and “Extremely poorly researched… Please don’t write an article of this type again.” I just- I don’t know how to respond to something like this! If this is how you guys are gonna be, maybe I’ll just never improve on purpose. You’ll have to deal with really crappy articles all the time. Um… yeah, all… the… time…
  3. What did you eat for breakfast this morning?
    “Objection: relevance!” “Yes, Mr. Strauss, I too am wondering what this line of questioning could possibly show.” “Your Honor, if you’ll just give me a few minutes, you’ll see.” “All right, but this had better be quick.” “Thank you. So, Reader, answer the question. What did you have for breakfast this morning? Oatmeal? And is that not your least favorite meal? And in the past, has your mood not been affected by the meal you had eaten just previously? I submit that the bad experience you had with oatmeal ruined my writing for you, not the writing itself!” “GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY!”
    So yeah, next time, don’t eat oatmeal.
  4. How are you liking this poll so far?
    Everyone was pissed that it interrupted their dinner. Sorry, that was poor timing.
  5. Would you rather it be multiple choice? a) yes; b) no; c) since I don’t want it to be multiple choice I’m not gonna answer with any of these letters; d) none of the above; e) all of the above; f) there are way too many choices in this question; g) b, d, e ,and h, but not c. I don’t even know about f; h) g and c but no others (including this one); i) OK now all of the above; j) don’t they always skip j for some reason? Well, I put it in; k) maybe.
    …In retrospect this question could have been phrased a little better.
  6. Write a multi-paragraph essay analyzing the impact of the rise of militarism and the Second World War on the lives of European women during the period from 1930 to 1950.
    Many of you didn’t even turn in an answer to this one! This information is vital to improving your reading experience on Obscure Porn.com! Remember, I’m doing this all for you! And for European History 105! Uh, but not really for that. Um, I- this- as I was saying, the few of you who did turn in an answer should really have kept in mind that, even though you were sending it over the internet, an essay should not contain such lexicographical elements as “lol,” “kxthbai,” or “stfu.”
  7. I don’t remember taking this poll! What are you talking about “the reader poll [you] conducted a few weeks ago?”
    Why did I put this question in the survey? Come to think of it, I don’t even remember writing this poll. Hmm.

Well, that wraps up this edition of the reader poll. I gained some valuable insight into how my readers feel about my writing, and an article for this week, while you, the reader, gained a loss of time. I’ll be sure to put your suggestions into practice, by ignoring them, and you will reap the benefits in the form of COOKIES FOR EVERYONE! …Did it work? Are there cookies for everyone? I figure if I do that enough times, one of these days it’ll come true. Anyway, feel free to not send me any comments on my writing anymore. I got my fill from this poll. Well, unless you’re not imaginary. Then you can say what you want, since I haven’t heard from you yet. Now get out of my face!

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Entertainment, Humor, Movies, Opinion
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I Can't Believe Some of These Movies They're Making

Can you believe some of these movies they’ve been making? I know I can’t. And now I find out that they’re making even more movies like that! What the heck! Here are some upcoming movies I can’t believe they’re making:

The Wizard of Oz 2
The description on the official website reads, “Dorothy awakens again to find that both her existence in Kansas and her adventure in Oz were dreams! In reality, she is a drug-addicted promiscuous singer/actress who requires constant validation of her self-worth! Using footage of the late Judy Garland in a style similar to what was done with Marlon Brando in Superman Returns, this is a shameless cash-in on an established property- I mean a way of introducing Dorothy to the next generation of moviegoers!”

The Sex and the City Movie
Does anyone believe that these actresses are as young as the characters they are portraying? Come on! Artistic license only goes so far!

The Seinfeld Movie
Inspired by the recent success of The Simpsons Movie, Hollywood has announced that it will be turning perhaps the most successful sitcom of all time into a movie. Unfortunately, due to recent less-than-appropriate remarks by main cast member Michael Richards, he will have to be replaced by a different actor to avoid a PR nightmare. Rumors suggest that the role of Kramer will be filled by Rob Schneider, though I fail to see how people hate him less than Michael Richards. At least he has one thing in common with Jason Alexander: neither of them have made any money in recent memory. Julia Louis-Dreyfuss will also not be featured in the movie because, quote, “I’ve worked so hard to distance myself from Seinfeld (and Seinfeld) that I just can’t see going back, especially now that I have a wildly successful [sic] TV series of my own.” Jerry Seinfeld himself will be in the movie, alyeahthough, to accommodate his new laid-back lifestyle, his contract stipulates that he only has to work for half an hour per day. Industry projections show a catastrophic box-office and critical failure for this movie, which will ruin the memory of the show for its legions of fans.

King Kong
Not satisfied with his first remake, Peter Jackson has announced plans to film another remake of the cinema classic King Kong. This new film will join the original 1933 version, the 1933, 1962, 1967, and 1986 sequels, the 1976 remake, and, of course, the 2005 remake. The new version promises to take boredom and stratospheric budgets to new levels.

Pac-Man
Apparently the recent video game movie craze has reached insanity levels. This movie claims to chronicle “the riveting exploits of America’s yellowest hero, Pac-Man.” In a remarkably thoughtful decision, the studio has decided not to simply recreate the gameplay of the arcade game, which would just consist of 90 minutes of the main character gliding through a maze eating dots. However, in an equally wrongheaded move, the movie will instead be a Hollywood action movie-style “re-imagining” of the Pac-Man mythos. In this version, Pac-Man will be a gun-toting, profanity-using anti-hero who single-handedly takes on the mob to recover a stolen stash of “white dots.” He will be played by a heavily made-up John Travolta.

Movie: The Movie
Details on this project remain difficult to find. Speculation runs rampant, with some predicting that it will simply consist of a one-second clip of every movie ever made (though the cost of the rights alone would be overwhelming), and others saying it will be a mash-up of all the genres (a dangerous superspy, accompanied by his wisecracking and foul-mouthed friends, embarks on an epic quest to survive a warzone while searching for a mystic talisman that will banish the evil spirits that are haunting a nearby small town in which a peculiar murder has just occurred; one of the suspects is a beautiful woman who is almost ready to love again, if she can only defuse the bomb in time. Her son is the last hope of the town’s basketball team, but to win, he has to travel into the future and save the galaxy, periodically bursting into song). In any case, this independent film is sure to be a come-from-behind blockbuster.

Obscure Porn: The Movie
In a desperate attempt to stir up publicity for its failing website, Obscure Porn is releasing a movie version of itself. What is this movie even going to be about? It’s not like the website contains a single linear narrative off of which to base a movie. Also, if the movie is produced in anything like the manner in which the website is managed, it is going to be unwatchable. I predict disaster.

Your Life Story
Are you serious? Your life story is getting adapted into a movie? That is so ridiculous. You haven’t done anything worthwhile! Look at you! Right now you’re just sitting in front of a computer screen reading some stupid website! That is not noteworthy at all. You haven’t done anything heroic, or inspiring, or even comical. Believe me, I’ve known you pretty well for a number of years, and I could barely stand to live through your life story. I doubt anyone wants to sit through a condensed version of it for 90 minutes. Cease development on this project immediately.

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Entertainment, Humor
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Choose Your Own Pornventure

Hello and welcome to the first (and likely last) ever Choose Your Own Pornventure!
If you don’t want to play, type in a different URL in your address bar. Or close this window. Somehow navigate away from this web page.
If you do want to play, turn to page 1.

Page 1
Are you sure you want to do this? Seriously, it’s not too late to just forget the whole thing. I wouldn’t be offended. Go ahead, go to a different website. Are you sure? OK fine.
A man walks up to you and says, “Hello and welcome to the first (and likely last) ever Choose Your Own Pornventure! How would you like to play?”
If you would like to be a spaceperson exploring Mars, turn to page 2.
If you would like to be transported back in time to Ancient Rome, turn to page 3.
If you would like to be stuck inside a giant pinball machine (or maybe you just shrunk and you’re inside a regular pinball machine), turn to page 4.

Page 2
You have just landed on the surface of Mars. Suddenly, a giant metal ball careens toward you! You barely get out of the way, but not before the giant metal ball bounces off something in the distance and comes back. This time it doesn’t come near you, but as you follow it with your eyes, you see a giant cone shaped object shoot forward and strike the ball, sending it off in an unpredictable direction. Then it hits you. You’re inside a giant Mars-themed pinball machine!
Turn to page 5.

Page 3
You are standing in the Roman Forum (a central marketplace and town square). Everything looks extremely accurate for the period. Suddenly, a giant metal ball careens toward you! You barely get out of the way, but not before the giant metal ball bounces off something in the distance and comes back. This time it doesn’t come near you, but as you follow it with your eyes, you see a giant cone shaped object shoot forward and strike the ball, sending it off in an unpredictable direction. Then it hits you. You’re inside a giant Ancient Rome-themed pinball machine!
Turn to page 5.

Page 4
You are surrounded by flashing lights and loud sounds, and you feel as though you are standing on a 6.5 degree incline. Yes, by all accounts, you are inside a giant pinball machine. Suddenly, the entire structure jolts around, and you are knocked off your feet. Once the shaking subsides, you notice a conveniently placed exit door (more of a trapdoor, since it’s in the ground). You open it up and fall out, only to notice that you are wearing a spacesuit and everything around you is red. Then it hits you. You were in a pinball machine-shaped spacecraft en route to Mars! And now you’ve arrived!
Turn to page 6.

Page 5
Now that you’re in this pinball machine, your thoughts turn to nothing but how to get out. After all, it’s pretty scary in there: the flashing lights are about to give you a seizure, and you feel like you’re going deaf from all the loud sounds. Not to mention there is a giant metal ball rolling around at extremely high speeds. You see two options for how to get out: break a hole through the glass ceiling, or climb out the place where the ball is propelled forward by the plunger.
If you want to break a hole in the ceiling, read the second comment on this post.
If you want to climb out of the place where the ball is propelled forward by the plunger, turn to page 7.

Page 6
You’re on Mars! This is it! You’re making history! After a few moments of awestruck silence, you get on your Martian rover and start driving around. You are basically just driving in a straight line. NASA wants you to be doing important science stuff, but you really just came to Mars to screw around. Anyway, you are driving straight, when all of a sudden a huge wall comes into view just feet in front of you (it had been obscured by a dust storm previously). With just seconds to act, you have to swerve around it somehow. Do you turn left or right? YOU GET NO MORE INFORMATION! YOU HAVE TO DECIDE NOW!! LEFT OR RIGHT!! WHICH IS IT?!?
If you want to turn left, send an email to choose.your.own.pornventure@gmail.com. You will receive an auto-response with further instructions. Please do not send more than one email every four days. Limit one per household. Void where prohibited. OK just kidding, but not about that “only once every four days” thing.
If you want to turn right, turn to page 10.

Page 7
You climb down into the place where the ball is propelled forward by the plunger. You’re starting to think maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. Is there even an exit over here? As you are walking down the chute, a ball rolls into position, the plunger draws back, and- OH! This was ill-advised. It seems you have been squashed to death by a giant metal ball. You have lost. GAME OVER.
If you would like to play again, turn back to page 1.
If you would like to quit (and really, who can blame you), go away from this website somehow. I don’t really care how, and neither do you, probably. Just stop playing this ridiculous game. It’s sucking away your life.

Page 8
You jump down from the giant pinball machine in order to get across the room to the Shrink/Unshrink Machine. Unfortunately, a fall from this height is lethal to someone of your stature. Your bones break in many little pieces and you die painfully. What a way to go, too. I can think of many better ways to die. Especially since your remains are eaten by a mouse. Well, you have a few choices now.
If you want to play again, turn back to page 1.
Otherwise, go away.

Page 9
You sit on top of the pinball machine, thinking about what to do. There’s not much you can do, really. Any idiot can see that jumping to the floor in order to get across the room to the Shrink/Unshrink Machine would be lethal to someone of your stature. As you are thinking, the mad scientist enters the room.
If you want to hide so he doesn’t see you, turn to page 13.
If you want to wait until he’s close and then jump into his pocket, turn to page 13.

Page 10
Little did you know that there was a giant pit full of death to the right of the wall! You have died, and NASA is really pissed because they spent billions of dollars on this mission. In fact you are a disgrace to the American people. Man, if only you had been smart enough to turn left instead of right! You should’ve been able to figure out that that was the right thing to do. Anyway, you’re dead.
If you want to play again, turn back to page 1.
If you don’t want to play again, then why the hell are you still hanging around here! Go do something! Improve the world somehow.

Page 11
You declare to the Martians, “I come in peace!” But, unfortunately, they don’t speak English. Why would they, really. You were kinda dumb to expect them to. In any case, they interpret your innocuous gesture as an act of war and charge toward you! What do you do?!?!
If you want to turn around your Martian rover and drive away like the coward you are, turn to page 14.
If you want to use your ray gun to shoot a conveniently placed boulder that will fall down and crush all the Martians, watch this Flash file (Flash required).

Page 12
You rush in with your ray gun blazing! The Martians, terrified of your sudden attack, run away! You are victorious! You claim this planet in the name of the United States of America! This is an indisputably happy outcome! Years later, your wife leaves you and your children hate you because you are an insufferable asshole. This leads to years of drinking and eventual eviction from your beautiful house. You wander the streets for a while before finally succumbing to a premature death from a combination of cold, liver failure, hunger, and thirst. Wow, you almost thought you won there, didn’t you? You were pretty close, too! Oh well.
If you would like to play again and try for a less depressing ending, turn back to page 1. Don’t even think about turning back to the page from which you came! I know you’re cheating! Maybe if you didn’t cheat so much, you would do better at this game.
If you want to just give up, I won’t stop you. In fact, if that’s the kind of person you are, I don’t want you playing this game anymore. Get out. I’m serious. I don’t want to see your disgusting little face anymore.

Page 13

It doesn’t really matter what you wanted to do; the mad scientist sees you standing there and grabs you in his disgusting fist. “I’ll take care of you!” he says maniacally. Waves of fear assault you; you don’t know what kind of evil plan this man has in mind. He shoves you back in the Shrink/Unshrink Machine and closes the door. He pulls a lever and lights flash all around you. You feel like you’re being torn apart! Everything gradually subsides and he opens the door again. You realize that you are on eye level with him! He has unshrunk you! “There you go, son,” he says, and you realize that you were just acting in “Honey, I Shrunk the Kid.” THE END.
There are no options for you anymore. You won, what more do you want?

Page 14
You race back to the spaceship with the Martians in pursuit. Your astronaut friend is like, “What? What’s going on?” and you’re just like “Let’s take off c’mon no time to explain!” You both rush back into the pinball machine and lift off. As you see Mars disappearing beneath you, you realize that you don’t have enough fuel to make it back to Earth. Instead of dying of suffocation, you and your friend decide that you’ll just end it early, and you die in each other’s arms. Whoa. How’d that happen. Anyway you lost.
If you’d like to play again, I would recommend turning back to page 1.
If you don’t want to play again, I don’t know what to tell you. Because I cannot imagine someone not wanting to play this game again.

Page 15
That weapon works just about as well as it sounds. Or does it? Play this Flash game (Flash required) and see what score you get.
If you got better than 95, then hooray! You killed all the Martians. Turn to page 17.
If you got between 85 and 95, then not bad! You killed most of the Martians. Turn to page 18.
If you got less than 85, then you suck! Too bad. You killed like one Martian. Great job. Turn to page 19.

Page 16
“Oh, you are such a jerk,” mutters your friend the astronaut. However, since you’re the commander, he is required to do whatever you ask of him. He jumps in front of you and absorbs all of the destructive force sent toward you by the Martians, giving you time to get away. You feel no remorse for what you’ve done, because you a robot. OH MY GOD PLOT TWIST! This wasn’t a manned mission to Mars after all! It was just another one of those boring unmanned missions. Well, it’s a good thing that your lifelong dream has been to see things from the point of view of a robot in fiction. That’s right, Choose Your Own Pornventure has reached beyond the realm of fiction and is dictating your real life. Now go get me a sandwich! And less mayo this time! You live out the rest of your life as a slave to me, but you never master the art of how much mayo to put on sandwiches.
If you want to play again- no, since I’m controlling you, you do want to play again. Turn to page 1.
There is no way you don’t want to play again. Turn to page 1.

Page 17
Awesome! You killed all the Martians! You are victorious! You claim this planet in the name of the United States of America! I can’t believe you actually got a happy ending in this game! I thought somebody was editing those out. Anyway, enjoy it, because things don’t work out so well in real life!
If you want to play again (really there’s hardly any point because all the endings are worse than this one- oops sorry for the spoiler), turn back to page 1.
If you want to quit while you’re ahead, no one’s gonna blame you. Just leave this website and gallop off into the wild blue yonder.

Page 18
You killed most of the Martians, but there’s still a few left, and they are pissed. Luckily you at least confused them, so you have time to drive away in your Martian rover. You hide somewhere, and they are unable to find you. Unfortunately, they are able to find your spacecraft and destroy it. It seems you are marooned. What are you gonna do now? This is bad. I don’t see a way out of this. And neither do you. You lost.
To be honest, you could’ve played this game better. I would try again by turning back to page 1.
If you really don’t want to play again, can I recommend playing that Flash game again? You enjoyed that, and you were not that bad at it.

Page 19
It’s lucky for you that the one Martian you killed was the Queen. All the other Martians stop in their tracks and you have nothing to fear anymore. You’re the king of the planet! What are you going to do with all your new power?
If you want to go through the Martians’ wallets and see what you can find, watch this YouTube video.
If you want to go back to Earth, because there’s nothing to watch on TV on Mars, listen to the fifth podcast. Ooh, if you’re reading this before the fifth podcast comes out, I don’t know what to tell you. I guess you should either just stay in front of your computer waiting for it to come out, or go back to page 1 and follow a different track. Sorry about this. I probably could have planned this better.

Page 20
You go to the Galactic Police Force Supreme Court and plead your case. Though the judges are strict, your impeccable argument eventually wins them over. Unfortunately, as you are jubilantly leaving the courtroom, you realize that the cost of the gas to get here was more than the fine itself! D’oh! Also, they arrested you for murder of the Queen. Galactic Jail is less than fun.
If you want to pursue a less illegal path, turn back to page 1.
If you’re happy with how things ended up, then stay in jail for the rest of your life. It’s fine with me.

Page 21
Though it eats up your entire allowance, you grudgingly pay the fine. Nothing interesting happens for the rest of your life.
I bet something interesting will happen if you turn back to page 1 and do things differently.
On the other hand, maybe you’re really boring. In that case, just get on with the rest of your boring life.

Page 22
You get the brain-transmission technology operation. The first program that comes on is a “Choose Your Own Pornventure” show (they have become extremely popular in the intervening years). To watch it, turn to page 1.

Page 65
What? How did you get here? Nothing in this game tells you to go to page 65. You must be cheating or something. There’s nothing here anyway. Stop looking at me!

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Humor
6 Comments

A Little Bit About Me and Me and Me and Me

Well, you faithful readers and listeners out there have devoured two and a half of my posts and one of my podcasts so far; I feel that it’s time you learned a little bit about the man behind the articles. Unfortunately, he was unavailable for comment, so I just interviewed myself.

ObscurePorn: So, tell us a little bit about yourself. Give us a little introduction.

Ben: My name is Ben and I-

OP: You don’t need to say that. We put your name before your answer.

B: Oh, well how was I supposed to know that? You said introduce yourself, so-

OP: Yeah, I know, I’m just saying, it was unnecessary to say your name, because it was redundant.

B: Look, at this point you’re disrupting the flow of the interview more than I did by saying my name.

OP: Excuse me? Are you trying to tell me how to conduct this interview? Who’s the journalist here?

B: I’m not trying to tell you how to conduct the interview, but it just seems like we’re wasting a lot of time here, and I have an appointment to keep this afternoon-

OP: Look, to get this moving along all you have to do is answer the question.

B: OK fine. Hi, my n- um, I’m B- I’m a writer for ObscurePorn.com. My column updates every Thursday without fail, except for the times that I don’t update. But that doesn’t happen very often. I am also the co-host of the official Obscure Porncast.

OP: Wow, you had that one all loaded up, didn’t you?

B: I’m sorry?

OP: Well, it just sounds like you had written that little monologue down and memorized it before the interview, and now you’re just spouting it off by rote!

B: Well maybe I had time to write it down, edit it, and memorize it while you were wasting time complaining about me saying my name!

OP: Oh! You’re still bitter about that, huh? Well look mister, maybe when you’ve attended the Columbia School of Broadcasting, you can tell me how to do my job, but until then, stick to answering questions, OK?

B: Wait a second, you haven’t attended the Columbia School of Broadcasting either!

OP: Yeah, but I’m already asking you questions, so it’s not like you can question my credentials. Anyway, to-

B: Wait, what? Your logic doesn’t make any sense!

OP: Look, I’d like to get past this. Can we just get to the questions?

B: Fine. As long as you can ask some intelligent questions.

OP: Fair enough. So, you said you were the co-host of the official Obscure Porncast?

B: That’s right.

OP: So, which one are you?

B: What?

OP: The Porncast was alternately titled “The Ben and Vince Show,” so I’m asking, which one are you?

B: You’re asking, am I Ben or Vince?

OP: That’s right.

B: OK um, for somebody who claims to know my name automatically, you certainly are acting like an idiot!

OP: Oh fine, just bring that up again! I thought we were past this! What the hell! I knew you were still bitter. I thought we agreed to move past this and get to the actual interview, but apparently you’re not ready to do that. You know what, why don’t you just come find me when you’re ready to talk.

B: I’m ready to talk; it’s not my fault if you’re so stupid that you can’t even get my name right!

OP: I swear to god, I am this close to cancelling this interview. Do you think you could maybe just shut up for a second so I could think of some questions?

B: Wait, you don’t even have any questions prepared? What kind of interviewer are you? Why did I agree to this?

OP: Oh, now you think you can ask the questions. By the way, remind me never to interview you again, OK?

B: Yeah, and remind me never to be interviewed by you again.

OP: My editor’s gonna hear about this. You are not getting a favorable write-up on ObscurePorn.com.

B: If that website is anywhere near as unprofessional as you are, I could care less what it says about me.

OP: You mean you couldn’t care less.

B: What?

OP: You said that you could care less. But that means that you care about it to a certain extent. What you wanted to say was that you couldn’t care less; i.e., you have the lowest possible opinion of the site. You are at the zero mark for caring.

B: Wha- maybe I was being sarcastic! Jesus! Don’t tell me what I meant to say!

OP: Didn’t you mean to say, “Don’t tell yourself what you meant to say!”

B: What did I just say to you?!

OP: Don’t you mean, “What did you just say to me?!”

B: What are you talking about?

OP: Yeah, I agree. I mean, you agree. I mean, you mean, you agree.

B: What?!?!

OP: I am you. Er- you are me. I am me? You are who? Who is this? No, actually I’m not happy with my current long distance provider, but what’re you gonna do about it?

OP: What happened to this interview?

B: Wait, I was supposed to say that! How did you do that?

OP: Yeah um, it turns out that we are the same person.

Vince: You mean all this time, you were just- I was just- we were just interviewing myself? Yourself?

B: Wait, what’s he doing here?

OP: He’s also the same person.

OB: I can’t deal with this! Stop! Get-

B: -out of my head! Ah! I did it.

OP: OK but I’m still here.

B: Shut up!

And so Ben continued his unhealthy schizophrenic lifestyle, in order to maintain his ability to write articles for ObscurePorn.com.

B: Wait, who are you?

I’m another one of your personalities. The summing-up personality. The personality that ends articles.

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Humor, Law, Opinion, Technology
2 Comments

My Own Class Action Suits

So apparently there’s been a class-action lawsuit filed against Apple because, in the plaintiff’s words:

Unknown to the Plaintiff, and undisclosed to the public, prior to purchase, the iPhone is a sealed unit with its battery soldered on the inside of the device so that it cannot be changed by the owner… The battery enclosed in the iPhone can only be charged approximately 300 times before it will be in need of replacement, necessitating a new battery annually for owners of the iPhone.

Let me get this straight. This guy claims that the fact that the iPhone’s battery isn’t user-replaceable is “undisclosed to the public.” Apparently he didn’t pay attention to all the news stories about this exact point, or didn’t even bother to look at an iPhone to see that there isn’t a way to remove the battery. (And in addition to all that’ he can’t even get his facts straight.) Well, if morons like this get to file class-action lawsuits for things like this, I think I deserve a few of my own:

  • The fruit I bought at the supermarket went bad after I didn’t eat it for a month. There was no notice saying it spoils, and the cashier didn’t tell me, so I feel I’m due a couple hundred grand for the pain and suffering caused by eating an overripe pear.
  • My cell phone broke when I accidentally dropped it, ran it over with my car, and flushed the battered remains down the toilet. I saw no “Do not drop, run over, or flush” warnings when I bought it, so pony up, Cingular.
  • My TV uses electricity, adding a sinister hidden cost to its advertised price. Pay me, Sony.
  • I suffered ear damage after listening to my iPod at maximum volume for hours on end. You owe me for my surgery, Apple.

Oh crap, that last one is real. I’ll stop there or I may give someone ideas. But seriously, how screwed up is our justice system when crap like this sucks the time and money out of the courts? This almost makes me wish for the good old days, when all you had to worry about was being sued over creased pants.

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Entertainment, Humor, Opinion
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Point/Counterpoint: Harry Potter

The second half of this article was written by George. I can’t believe ObscurePorn doesn’t support multiple authors. Technical Editor, get on that! Yeah, I’m addressing you from inside an article! Maybe if we had multiple author support I wouldn’t be embarrassing you like this. OK just read the article.

I Love Harry Potter!
by Julie Tibler, age 11

Editor’s Note: This editorial takes place before Book 7. The person who wrote it doesn’t know what happens in Book 7. You should read it from a pre-Book 7 perspective. It’s like a time machine back to six days ago.

I love Harry Potter! He is the greatest. He is the coolest wizard ever. I wish I had powers like him. Harry Potter can do anything he wants, cause he is the Boy Who Lived. I think You-Know-Who doesn’t stand a chance against Harry Potter, cause Harry is way better. I have read every Harry Potter book at least five times cause they are the best books ever. My favorite is Harry Potter and the Half-Baked Plot- I mean Half-Blood Prince. Every other book ever written is not worth the time. Once Harry Potter is over, I’m never reading again. Nothing could be as good as Harry Potter. He is so cool! Don’t you wish you had a magic wand? I would use mine to Petrificus Totalus my little brother so he would leave me alone. But actually, I couldn’t do that cause I’m just a Muggle. I wish I was a wizard so I could go to Hogwarts and meet Harry. I want to take magic classes and go on adventures with Harry. Actually, he is six years older than me, so we wouldn’t be in the same class, but I would still see him. Maybe I would see Ron and Hermione too! But they’re not as cool as Harry. I would tell Proffessor [sic] Snape to leave Harry alone cause Harry is really good and Snape is just being mean. Ooh, I forgot that Snape killed Dumbledore. He probably doesn’t even teach there anymore. Is Dumbledore really dead? I don’t think so. I hope he’s not. Dumbledore is really nice to Harry and also a really good wizard. If he’s dead that would be bad.

Harry Potter is like my best friend. He is so much better than anyone I know. He would be nice to me, like he was to Ginny. He wouldn’t make fun of me because of my hunchback. I bet he would show me his Patronus if I asked him. I really want to meet Harry Potter. But I guess that can’t happen. I mean because he lives in England and that’s really far away. I wrote a million letters (oops, I’m not supposed to exaggerate. I meant 9,997 letters) to J.K. Rowling asking if I could meet him but they must’ve gotten lost in the mail cause she never wrote back. Oh well. At least I have a life-size cardboard cutout of him. In conclusion, the Harry Potter series is a masterfully written and vividly imagined literary tour de force that has enormous appeal for readers of all ages. I heartily recommend it.

Harry Potter is a Fucking Douche.
by Draco Malfoy, age… 17, I think

Editor’s Note: This editorial takes place after, but ignores the events of, Book 7. Who knows whether Draco is even alive right now (I do and I’m sure plenty of other people do, but if you haven’t read Book 7 yet you don’t. So pbbbblt [Editor’s Editor’s Note: that was the raspberry sound]!) But anyway, you should read this from a pre-Book 7 perspective. If you don’t, things might not be the same as they would otherwise. So you shouldn’t do that. Shouldn’t not read it from a pre-Book 7 perspective, I mean. Look just take this as I meant it and don’t misconstrue anything. If you do, it’s the fault of your shitty reading, not my shitty writing.

First of all, I have no idea what that idiot muggle girl is talking about with J.K. Rowling and “the Harry Potter books.” She oughta be put in the loony bin, if you ask me. Or a cage, so she doesn’t hurt herself. The world would be so much better if all the muggles were caged…

But back to the point: Harry Potter is a fucking douche. Widdle Potty, the Boy Who Needed a Better Attitude. Loved by teachers (except Snape, the only good teacher of the lot), followed around by that mudblood Granger and practically living with those blood traitor Weasleys (I’m amazed they can even afford to feed themselves, let alone him). He just happened to get lucky once or twice… or three times. Or six. He got lucky six times and now everyone is so dazzled by his scar that they don’t notice how much of a douche he is. Believe me, he’s a douche.

The first time I met him, 6 years ago, in Madam Malkin’s, I tried to be nice (this was before I found out what an attention-seeking, muggle-loving goody two shoes he was). Sure, he wasn’t as rich as I was, but his father did come from an old wizarding family and he was famous… look, I was young and didn’t know any better. I don’t have to explain myself to you. But as I was saying, I offered to be his friend and he turned me down! Me! HE, the little orphan with no friends, turned ME down. What a douche.

It’s okay, though. I got him back on the Hogwarts Express this year. He snuck into our compartment and tried to spy on us with his fancy little invisibility cloak, but I saw him anyway. I stunned him and broke his nose, the little spy-douche-sneak. I stomped on his nose just like-

KEVIIIIIIIIN
What do you want, mom?!? I’m busy right now. And I told you, CALL ME DRACO YOU BITCH.
Don’t you talk to me like that, young man. Now get down here and walk the dog right this instant or…
Coming, mom!

Ugh, I have to go. But Harry Potter is still a douche.

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Humor
7 Comments

"This Article Is About College." TRUE.

Recently I got into college. And through discussion with my colleagues and business associates, I have discovered that there are a lot of misconceptions regarding the college experience. Therefore, as a public service, I have compiled a sort of FAQ: College Edition, consisting of commonly held beliefs about college, followed by the word TRUE, if the statement is true, or FALSE, if the statement is not true. Or if the statement is false. That really means the same thing. Why did I even bother making that clarification. There then follows a brief explanation of why the answer is TRUE or FALSE. You could treat it as a little game too, by trying to guess whether the answer is TRUE or FALSE. Well, except the answers are right there. That probably wouldn’t be that fun of a game. Unless you like instant gratification. Well, enough delay, let’s (as they say on the Vault commercials) get to it!

“I will gain ‘the Freshman 15.’” TRUE. Presented with an astounding variety of easy-to-access food sources, most freshman tend to lose control and eat more than they should. In addition, the presence of the mandatory “Gain 15 Pounds” course that is required of freshman at all accredited universities certainly doesn’t help.

“College costs a lot of money.” TRUE. Unfortunately, the cost of college has spiraled upwards in recent years. Why, in the good old days you could take an entire semester of classes for a nickel and still have change for the dining hall. These days, the average cost of a college education is $150,000 (absolutely fact-checked) and rising. Then you have to pay $400,000 to buy the books you’ll need for one class, and another $2 million to stay in a dorm room every night. Your professors charge you $4 trillion just to enter their classrooms, and to even look at your final exam, you have to pay more than the GNP of most countries. The only way most people are able to pay for their college educations is by taking out student loans, which they spend the rest of their lives paying off, and in fact the debt often passes to their children when they die.

“Everybody at college is a bunch of jerks.” TRUE. You will be alone and depressed in your dorm room during your entire four years. Nobody will want to talk to you because they will already have friends, and you’re not that interesting of a person anyway.

“I will get a great job after attending college.” TRUE. If by “get a great job” you mean “move back in with your parents”! Ha! Seriously, in today’s job market it’s not even worth the money to go to college. You should just become a plumber or something. There’s an exciting life! You get to travel, meet people, fix their toilets… something you’ll never get to do at college.

“College will be the best four years of my life.” TR- FA- well, it depends. No, I’m sorry, I can’t give a one word answer for this question. Well, I don’t care if it messes up the format. I’m not changing it just because of editorial pressure. What? You can’t fire me! I fire you! You’re fired! Get out of my office! I’m calling the police! BANG

“The response to this statement is FALSE.” FALSE. AAAAAAHHHHHHH PARADOX YOU SHOULDN’T GO TO COLLEGE

“College is a non-stop orgy of pleasure and hedonism.” TRUE. If you’re not achieving orgasm during every moment of your four years at college, you’re not doing it right.

“I’m allowed to be unhygienic at college.” RESPONSE HAZY, TRY AGAIN LATER.

“Can I borrow one hundred fifty thousand dollars?” FALSE. No, you can’t. I barely even know you.

“Wait a second, how can a question be true or false? That doesn’t make sense.” FALSE. Look, I make the rules around here, and I say it was FALSE. Hey, get away from there! Stop that! Let go! Ow! What the- gih- juh- ARGH! Oh, that’s it! If you don’t stop, I’m not answering your questions anymore. Okay. Glad we could come to an agreement. Jerk. Yeah, you heard me. “I am a jerk.” TRUE. Yeah, well you would’ve said it if you were being honest.

“College will bring me lots of knowledge.” FALSE. While a cursory glance in my rhyming dictionary indicates that the words “college” and “knowledge” do indeed rhyme, I’m not sure that they have any association beyond that. I don’t know, I could be wrong here. You might want to make up your own mind on this one.

“College takes place several hundred feet above the ground.” FALSE. What? I don’t know where you got that idea. That doesn’t even make any sense. It’s false.

“College was invented in 1782 by the Montgolfier brothers.” FALSE. The collegiate system as we know it was developed during the Middle Ages, and certainly not by a single person or persons.

“College is powered by a temperature difference between the air on the inside and the air on the outside that generates lift.” FALSE. Oh, I think I see what happened. You’re confusing college with a hot air balloon.

“Oh, you’re right. I thought this was FAQ: Hot Air Balloon Edition.” FALSE. No, you didn’t. You were asking college-related questions a second ago!

“Yeah, you’re right. My friend put me up to this. Great, now I’m not gonna get the ten bucks.” FALSE. You can still get it. I’ll tell him that you satisfied the conditions of the bet, just as long as you start asking me questions about college again.

“I’m allowed to be unhygienic at college.” TRUE. But I mean, you’re allowed to be unhygienic any time you want. It’s just at college no one will know the difference.

“It is better to give than to receive.” FALSE. What the hell. It is so much better to receive. Unless you’re giving it to yourself, or you’re giving like a bomb or something, or someone else is giving something to you, it’s definitely better to receive.

“A lot more of these statements were false than true.” TRUE. Hey, maybe if you didn’t have such stupid opinions! Geez, it’s not my fault you’re wrong all the time.

“You actually know anything about college.” FALSE. Yes, it’s false: I actually know anything about college. Or, to put it another way, yes, it’s true: I don’t actually know anything about college. Maybe you should’ve asked somebody who’s actually been to college. I’m certainly not qualified to be answering these questions.

Well, that concludes this FAQ. I hope you enjoyed it, and if you’d like to see more, then vote with your wallets! Actually, if you could just send me some money, that would be good. I have to go to college somehow. “This article is over.” TRUE.

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