Can you believe some of these movies they’ve been making? I know I can’t. And now I find out that they’re making even more movies like that! What the heck! Here are some upcoming movies I can’t believe they’re making:
The Wizard of Oz 2
The description on the official website reads, “Dorothy awakens again to find that both her existence in Kansas and her adventure in Oz were dreams! In reality, she is a drug-addicted promiscuous singer/actress who requires constant validation of her self-worth! Using footage of the late Judy Garland in a style similar to what was done with Marlon Brando in Superman Returns, this is a shameless cash-in on an established property- I mean a way of introducing Dorothy to the next generation of moviegoers!”
The Sex and the City Movie
Does anyone believe that these actresses are as young as the characters they are portraying? Come on! Artistic license only goes so far!
The Seinfeld Movie
Inspired by the recent success of The Simpsons Movie, Hollywood has announced that it will be turning perhaps the most successful sitcom of all time into a movie. Unfortunately, due to recent less-than-appropriate remarks by main cast member Michael Richards, he will have to be replaced by a different actor to avoid a PR nightmare. Rumors suggest that the role of Kramer will be filled by Rob Schneider, though I fail to see how people hate him less than Michael Richards. At least he has one thing in common with Jason Alexander: neither of them have made any money in recent memory. Julia Louis-Dreyfuss will also not be featured in the movie because, quote, “I’ve worked so hard to distance myself from Seinfeld (and Seinfeld) that I just can’t see going back, especially now that I have a wildly successful [sic] TV series of my own.” Jerry Seinfeld himself will be in the movie, alyeahthough, to accommodate his new laid-back lifestyle, his contract stipulates that he only has to work for half an hour per day. Industry projections show a catastrophic box-office and critical failure for this movie, which will ruin the memory of the show for its legions of fans.
King Kong
Not satisfied with his first remake, Peter Jackson has announced plans to film another remake of the cinema classic King Kong. This new film will join the original 1933 version, the 1933, 1962, 1967, and 1986 sequels, the 1976 remake, and, of course, the 2005 remake. The new version promises to take boredom and stratospheric budgets to new levels.
Pac-Man
Apparently the recent video game movie craze has reached insanity levels. This movie claims to chronicle “the riveting exploits of America’s yellowest hero, Pac-Man.” In a remarkably thoughtful decision, the studio has decided not to simply recreate the gameplay of the arcade game, which would just consist of 90 minutes of the main character gliding through a maze eating dots. However, in an equally wrongheaded move, the movie will instead be a Hollywood action movie-style “re-imagining” of the Pac-Man mythos. In this version, Pac-Man will be a gun-toting, profanity-using anti-hero who single-handedly takes on the mob to recover a stolen stash of “white dots.” He will be played by a heavily made-up John Travolta.
Movie: The Movie
Details on this project remain difficult to find. Speculation runs rampant, with some predicting that it will simply consist of a one-second clip of every movie ever made (though the cost of the rights alone would be overwhelming), and others saying it will be a mash-up of all the genres (a dangerous superspy, accompanied by his wisecracking and foul-mouthed friends, embarks on an epic quest to survive a warzone while searching for a mystic talisman that will banish the evil spirits that are haunting a nearby small town in which a peculiar murder has just occurred; one of the suspects is a beautiful woman who is almost ready to love again, if she can only defuse the bomb in time. Her son is the last hope of the town’s basketball team, but to win, he has to travel into the future and save the galaxy, periodically bursting into song). In any case, this independent film is sure to be a come-from-behind blockbuster.
Obscure Porn: The Movie
In a desperate attempt to stir up publicity for its failing website, Obscure Porn is releasing a movie version of itself. What is this movie even going to be about? It’s not like the website contains a single linear narrative off of which to base a movie. Also, if the movie is produced in anything like the manner in which the website is managed, it is going to be unwatchable. I predict disaster.
Your Life Story
Are you serious? Your life story is getting adapted into a movie? That is so ridiculous. You haven’t done anything worthwhile! Look at you! Right now you’re just sitting in front of a computer screen reading some stupid website! That is not noteworthy at all. You haven’t done anything heroic, or inspiring, or even comical. Believe me, I’ve known you pretty well for a number of years, and I could barely stand to live through your life story. I doubt anyone wants to sit through a condensed version of it for 90 minutes. Cease development on this project immediately.