As you probably haven’t heard, the H1N1 strand of influenza, or “swine flu”, is the latest craze sweeping the nation. This deadly disease can kill you, ending your life and causing you to become dead, at which point you will stop living. If you are reading this, you probably already have swine flu, but in case you have been lucky enough to avoid H1N1 so far, here are some tips to help you stay healthy.

• Swine flu has the same symptoms as regular influenza. These symptoms include coughing, sore throat, headache, fever, and tiredness.  If you are experiencing these symptoms, you probably just have the regular flu, so it’s nothing to worry about.
• If you feel sick, make sure you go to class or work like usual. Staying home will just cause you to be cooped up in a confined space, where you’re likely to spread the disease to all your roommates.  Also, by staying home, you’ll only be contributing to a nationwide panic.  We have to return to a sense of normalcy as quickly as possible, for the sake of the economy.
• Make sure you touch your face a lot. Your face is the primary place on your body where germs can build.  Left untouched, you could accumulate enough swine flu germs from others to cause you to become sick.  Touching your face as much as possible is the easiest way to combat this illness.
• Shake hands with everybody. If there are 50 people in a room, and all of them have swine flu, and each one of them shakes hands with each other one, but there are no repeat handshakes, how many total handshakes will there be before everyone has died?
• Don’t wash your hands. By now, the water supply has likely been contaminated with the H1N1 virus.  Washing your hands will only kill you faster.
• Don’t use your hands to cover your coughs or sneezes. Using your hands to cover coughs or sneezes is likely to facilitate the spread of germs.  Instead, you should cover your mouth with other people’s hands.
• Don’t visit obscureporn.com. That website has sooooooooooooooo many viruses.

Just remember these few tips, and you may survive long enough to see swine flu victims start to become reanimated.  Then you’re really fucked.