Because you can't find it anywhere else

Movies, Things That Are Awesome
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Movie Review: Cleaner


After watching the movie Cleaner, I am left with a couple of questions.

1) Why haven’t I heard of this movie before?
2) Why does it have an 18% rating on rotten tomatoes?

Cleaner is a thriller film that stars Samuel L. Jackson and Eva Mendes, and it was released in 2007. That might answer my first question, since there was another movie that came out in 2007 with a very similar title.

Now, while Samuel L. Jackson is not Cedric the entertainer, and Eva Mendes is not Nicolette Sheridan (seriously?), it’s understandable that someone could get these two movies confused, considering that, judging by the number of ads I saw on TV, Cleaner had an advertising budget approximately equal to that of Grammar Team: Rebels Without a Clause, whereas Codename: The Cleaner had an ad budget that was several times greater than the sum of all the money in the world.

In any event, I have no idea what the answer to question 2 is, because this movie was actually pretty good. I’m not saying it should have won Best Picture, but the directing was good, the filmography was excellent, the actors were awesome, and the story was pretty thrilling. It was entertaining, not overly predictable, and the premise is suitably unique (Samuel L. Jackson plays a man whose job it is to clean up crime scenes). Also, there’s a decent amount of symbolism, etc. It also has Samuel L Jackson, and Eva Mendes. Plus Ed Harris, the chick from Psych, and Ricky Verona from Crank.

Did I mention Samuel L. Jackson is in this movie? Also, Eva Mendes.

OMG.

In other words, this is My Kind of Movie.

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Jam of the Month, Missed the Deadline, Music
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Jams of the Months

What’s that you say?   I forgot to do a jam of the month last month?  And the month before that?  And the two months before that?  Shut the fuck up!

Jam of the Month: December ’10

Flo Rida ft. Akon – Who Dat Girl

Jam of the Month: November ’10

Kanye West – My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

Jam of the Month: October ’10

Ke$ha – We R Who We R

Jam of the Month: September ’10

Wiz Khalifa – Black and Yellow

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Consumer Reports, Public Advisories, Quotes
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I'm pretty sure I'm just getting trolled at this point

http://www.cracked.com/article_18757_5-things-you-wont-believe-arent-in-bible.html
It turns out, the common description of Satan, with horns and a pitchfork and all that, doesn’t actually come from the Bible. In fact, “he’s just a disembodied ghost-voice, kind of like a really evil Obi-Wan Kenobi.”

STAR WARS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS AT ALL. STAR WARS DOES NOT NEED TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS AT ALL.

Ok and to make matters worse, the comparison doesn’t even make any fucking sense. For one thing, Obi-Wan is alive during 4 or 5 of the Star Wars movies. Furthermore, (and I’m forced to guess based on pictures given in the Cracked article because I am mildly normal and not obsessed with Star Wars), it looks like, when Obi-Wan appears in the movies after his death, HE’S STILL NOT DISEMBODIED. He appears as a ghostlike slightly transparent memory thing, but he definitely has a body.

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Crime, Opinion, things that suck, What the hell?
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Fuck You Cracked Dot Com

I’ve been reading articles from http://www.cracked.com for a while now.  I’ve been wanting to write a pissed off rant about http://www.cracked.com for a (significantly shorter but still pretty long) while now.  I never got around to doing so because I have neither the patience nor the skill to do my rant justice, but honestly I just can’t take it anymore, so here’s the quick and poorly written version of my biggest Cracked-related complaint:

Cracked, stop fucking referencing Star Wars in every fucking article you post.

The last movie, Episode 3, came out 5 years ago and nobody cared about it even then.  The last movie your writers actually liked, Episode 6, came out in 1983.  That’s almost 30 years ago, a decade older than a large portion of your readership.  You can compare things in your articles to things that aren’t Star Wars.  It is okay.  You are allowed.

For lack of a better transition, here is an example of an article with too many goddamn Star Wars mentions.  For those of you who are lazy, that article is a list of five reasons Hollywood needs to stop making prequels.  Of the five reasons, four of them mention Star Wars!  Four!  Out of five!  That is too many times!

“But George,” you say, “that article is about shitty prequels and Star Wars had the shittiest of prequels!  His examples are apt!”  Fine, you’re right.  Star Wars references made the article boring and repetitive, but at least there is some tiny nugget of logic and reason behind it all.  However, I would like to point you to this.  Specifically, item 2, where the author explains that there is no mystery behind Stonehenge or the Pyramids being built.  He says “for one, the Egyptians actually used independent contractors just like the Empire did when they built the Second Death Star.”  Take a second and let that sink in.  Who the fuck was the author writing for?  Is there anyone in the universe who would possibly read “the Egyptians actually used independent contractors,” was unsure of the author’s meaning, read the comparison to Star fucking Wars and finally understood?

I submit that no, there is not and has never been anyone in the entire universe who read “the Egyptians actually used independent contractors,” was unsure of the author’s meaning and needed a comparison to Star fucking Wars to finally understand.

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