In honor of Erk’s upcoming birthday, we will do nothing. So, get ready.
Stamm's Quote of the Week (9/10/07)
Ok so I believe this was originally said by Mohandas Gandhi, and you know if I’m wrong then whatever I don’t really care. It’s not as important who said it as what was said. This quote speaks a little to the problem of self-centeredness.
“Your problem is that you need bigger problems”
– Gandhi
Last Hope for Humanity
We know the zombacolypse /z??m?b?? k.??.l?ps/ is coming, that debate has long passed. We also know that I possess a higher knowledge of undead interaction than the general public*. For this reason, I implore OP readers to pitch in** and buy me the shirt from this site, you will know which one. Or, just get it for me that badass and time-consuming IPA version of zombacolypse. Talk to me for info on where to have it sent.
* I know you guys are trained well in the zombie curriculum I set out for you, but i haven’t seen the near insane zeal towards zombie preparation in you guys that people tell me I have.
** Erk, why don’t we have a Donation button? Ugh, just buy the shirt directly amongst yourselves and have it sent to me.
Warning: Schemes
Man, I am very into coming up with awesome ideas, but being unable to carry them to fruition.
[1:20] <Mantas> help me think of some of the stuff we did
[1:20] <Mantas> the crazy plans
[1:21] <Mantas> that never got finished
[1:21] <Grog> there are so many
[1:21] <Grog> nigh-infinity
Let’s have a list of some of the ones I remember:
Cookies for everyone funding, ninja outfits, making our own coca cola, graffiti, making an AIM AI with a true personality, Parkour, 3D Pool, “Grammar Team vs. The Murder Monkey”, making a 3 foot ballista capable of firing a ping pong ball into a brick wall, Bacon Fridays, the Zelda MAN skit, The fully physics programmed “Gullivers Travels 2: Gullivers Revenge” stick figure fighting game, making obscureporn.com, engaging in a Spartan training program, hacking/ questionably legal stuff, my kickass gigantic capture the flag game, flaming nunchaku/whip, the Caleb Survival Guide, telling Henry Scher he is Caleb, the Triumvirate of me nick and david, the Great Trip, the Lesser Trip, Thermite, Neo-Darwinian Dogma, write a comic for silver chips, This versus That, changing construction road signs, senior magnet picnic, etc.
Now, by no means have I given up on any of these. I just don’t usually remember them enough to make any forward progress with them.
i will continue adding to this list if i remember more
Podcast 6: Trouble in Paradise
The sixth podcast is out, you know the deal.
nomadic toothbrushing
a short explanation of nomadic style of dental hygiene. It is a commonly used practice among people living in populated, community spaces, i.e. nuns, college students, military low ranks, mormons, etc.
it goes as such:
1. a person starts brushing ones teeth at a sink, then leaves the sink.
2. the person goes about their business, doing things the are capable of doing with one hand, i.e. converting heathens, masturbation, doing push ups, proposing marriage, etc.
3. when the person believes their brushing scenario to be complete, they return to ANY SINK, not necessarily the one of origin.
unknowing people watching this dance between man and sink have a hard time coping with the shock, and scientists believe this to be the next step in the evolutionary chain.
Stamm's Quote of the Week – 9/03/07
Ok, so it’s that time of the week again, or like that day of the week again, yeah you know what I mean. Umm so like I wasn’t really prepared for this week because is came by pretty fast and all, but this quote comes all the way to us from someone named Anonymous. I don’t really know if he said it, but I don’t know who said it, so as far as I’m concerned it was Anonymous. Umm so like this quote is sort of a variation on something Confucius was said to have said. The quote is: “Be wary of those who have found, put your trust in those who are still searching.”
On The Road
Unfortunately, I was unable to make deadline this week, so please accept my incoherent ramblings in lieu of an actual article. Yeah, this is pretty lame, isn’t it? But I’m sure you’ll understand. After all, I’ve been under a lot of pressure lately, what with the wife leaving, and the dog dying, and other fictional occurrences. Anyway, enough introduction, let’s get to the point! Well, I guess in this case the introduction has as much of a point as the rest of the article, which is to say none. That’s kind of an interesting expression: “which is to say.” You’ve got a good combination of words in there. “Which” is definitely a personal favorite, and then you follow it up with the one-two punch of “is to,” which sounds like the middle of an analogy, and then you cap it off with “say,” which is something that we all enjoy doing. Put it all together and you’ve got a phrase you can take to the bank (the phrase bank, that is). Oh man imagine a phrase bank. You could like deposit a phrase that you knew you’re weren’t going to need for a while, and then when your crack dealer is threatening to break your legs if you don’t get the cash right away, you’d be pretty screwed because you definitely can’t use phrases to pay for stuff. But what if you could…? It would be pretty dumb. Well, this is pretty incoherent and rambulatory so far, so I guess I’m succeeding. I’m going to make a paragraph break right here.
Welcome to paragraph two! It will be a rehash of the first one but without the qualities that made the original so fresh and exciting. I can’t actually promise that. Maybe this paragraph will be better than the first, I don’t know. What do you think so far? Call in, to the caller request line. Or, um, I guess what I mean is write in, to the writer request line. Wouldn’t that just be like a number that you could call to request a writer to come over to your house for the afternoon? You could eat lunch and play croquet in your backyard. Hopefully you have croquet equipment in your backyard. If not, you could always talk about writing. But honestly, who actually wants to talk to a writer about writing. Not even the writer wants to talk about writing. I suppose I’m making sort of an unfair generality here. But I don’t care. This is my column and I can say what I want, dammit! If you don’t like it you can just stop reading! Aw, but don’t actually do that. I’m nothing without you! Have I covered this before? It seems familiar. I think my prediction at the start of this paragraph turned out to be pretty true.
Man I’ve only typed 476- wait now it’s 480- dammit 482- aw crap this never works- words so far. That’s not very many. That’s like half as many as I need. Not that I have a word quota or anything. That would be unconstitutional. Or maybe not. There’s a lot of debate about it. Do I sound like Hemingway to you now? Man, what a jerk he was. Did you know that a man died from an infected papercut received from one of Hemingway’s books? It’s true*! Hemingway killed a man through his writing. Which is I’m pretty sure illegal. But he didn’t go to jail for it! Just more evidence of the corruption of the system. It’s so biased in favor of writers. Hey, I guess this could work out well for me! Wow I have used the phrase “I guess” like a billion times in this article. Well more like five times, and that’s including the one in the quotes in the last sentence. That’s definitely a lot, though. I guess I’m just indecisive. OH MY GOD THERE I GO AGAIN!!
Do you think I could just turn this in for my English essay? It’s due tomorrow, and I haven’t started. It’s a really stupid essay too. I wonder if my English teacher reads this site. I bet he would be offended by my disregard for many of the rules of grammar. Um, probably he would be more offended by the fact that I called his essay stupid, though. Wow I wonder if that would influence his grading. That would be extremely unprofessional. Don’t do it, English teacher. I’m not going to name names, but you know who you are. No, it’s not you. C’mon, you’re not even an English teacher. Don’t be ridiculous.
*Don’t you hate when you can’t find where the asterisk goes? It’s like, just put it at the end of the page, or paragraph, or somewhere obvious! Anyway the point of this footnote (midnote? Sounds like midnight (but is not actually like midnight (things don’t mean what they sound like (believe me I’ve learned this from experience)))) was to say that- wait a second, how many parentheses did you use there? What the hell! That’s not acceptable! Sorry, I’m talking to myself again. Maybe if you had read some of previous articles, you would know why I do that. Hey this time I used dashes instead of parentheses. That doesn’t really make it better. I’m just gonna start the sentence over. The point of this note was to say that the truth of the statement was possibly obtained using illegal performance enhancing drugs. Disillusioning, isn’t it?
Well I feel like I’m just about done with this article. I know you’re disappointed that I didn’t actually have a theme or anything this week, but who knows, maybe you enjoyed just listening to me talk about whatever comes into my head. Though I guess you already have the podcast for that. But those are coming out less frequently these days, so maybe this will tide you over. Wow, this is so time-dependent! For anyone reading this in the future, not at the time it was published, what I’m saying has no relevance! I don’t even want to think about what’s it’s like for people reading this in the past. In conclusion, next week I’ll try to have a real article (it’s gonna suck when I have to do this again next week). Goodbye.
Someone's Compensating for Something
I love stories like this one. No, not because I’m a fan of anonymous gay bathroom sex, you sick freak. But because this story, about Idaho Senator Larry Craig, and similar ones, featuring this guy and this guy, are finally revealing that a common sense rule of thumb applies to American politics – the guy with the biggest car, biggest house, and, well, biggest everything, is probably compensating for something.
In this case, it takes the form of family values. Why is it that the latest three Congressional sex scandals have involved not just Republicans, whose party declares family values as one of its main issues, but the select Republicans who made family values their main issues. According to Wikipedia, “In the House, [Mark] Foley was one of the foremost opponents of child pornography.” He then proceeded to solicit cyber-sex with teenage Congressional pages. Next up, David “Vitter believes strongly that marriage is a sacred vow between a man and a woman. In 2003, Vitter proposed to amend the U.S. Constitution to ban same sex marriages.” Turns out the real threat to his marriage was a prostitute.
Finally, we come to my favorite, good old Larry Craig. Wikipedia says “Craig supported the Federal Marriage Amendment, which barred extention of rights to same-sex couples; he voted for cloture on the amendment in both 2004 and 2006. Craig voted against cloture on a in 2002 which would have extended the federal definition of hate crimes to cover sexual orientation.” Take a minute to let that soak in. First, he supported denying basic marriage rights to gays. Alright, fairly standard of many Republicans. But beyond that, he voted against labeling crimes against gays as hate crimes. Now for the kicker – he’s been dealing with allegations of being gay (and seeking sex with Congressional pages and random passerby) for over 25 years!
Now I stress that these are just allegations. Everyone, including (alleged) scumbags like these, has a right to due process. And I’m not saying that Democrat’s can’t be scum either. But these guys are just dumb. I’ll leave Foley and Vitter out of it for now, but let’s take a closer look at Larry Craig.
The man was arrested by an undercover police officer on June 11th. He didn’t plead guilty until August 8th. AUGUST EIGHTH! TWO FREAKING MONTHS! So once the guilty plea made the news this week, what was his response? I quote, “I chose to plead guilty to a lesser charge in the hope of making it go away. I did not seek any counsel, either from an attorney, staff, friends, or family. That was a mistake, and I deeply regret it.”
You’re a UNITED STATES SENATOR – one of the most powerful men in the country. You have been a crusader against gay rights for years, while simultaneously dealing with allegations of improper homosexual conduct. So after being arrested for allegations of improper homosexual conduct, with two months to think about what you’re going to do, you think that this type of thing will just “go away?” And you think that pleading guilty will make it go away faster?
For the sake of argument, let’s assume this guy is 100% innocent and did make a mistake by pleading guilty. Even if that’s the case, Senator Craig has given the voters of Idaho a crystal-clear reason not to send him back to Washington if he chooses to seek reelection in 2008 – HE’S A MORON.
Or maybe Idahoans will reelect Craig, to keep this (alleged) twisted hypocrite hundreds of miles away in Washington, and the hell out of their state.
Stamm's Quote of the Week: 8/27/07
Ok so I’m starting a weekly quote section here on obscureporn.com. Every Monday from now on I’ll post a quote unless I don’t. But what are the chances of that happening? Anyway here is my first submission. It has been attributed to my good friend Anonymous.
“Humility is important and for that reason I hope this quote is never attributed to me”
– Anonymous