As part of its continuing quest to put lowercase i’s in front of everything, Apple has released the new iTaco. I don’t normally write about technology (actually, so far 100% of the columns I have written have been about technology), but this is such an earth-shaking event that I am forced to report on it. The iTaco has been marketed as a revolutionary combination of great taste, great ingredients, Internet connectivity, multimedia play, and a shockingly intuitive interface. Does it live up to the hype? Don’t ask me- I didn’t waste my time waiting in line for 14 hours to get one! Uh, I mean, I am a highly qualified reviewer who definitely owns an iTaco. Several times. I actually created the iTaco. Anyway, don’t consider this a review per se; instead, just take these opinions and use them as your own.

Let’s take a quick look at the features of the iTaco. The iTaco breaks away from the usual constraints of tacos, featuring touch-shell technology, which allows users to operate it with one finger. No longer will an entire hand be occupied during the process of taco-eating. Apple’s revolutionary new technology suspends the iTaco in an anti-gravity field in front of the user’s mouth, and it can then be rotated with the wave of a finger. This interface worked incredibly well for the most part; the only problem I found is that all of the contents of the iTaco fall out onto the table when it is rotated upside down (an embarrassingly common occurrence).

The main function of the iTaco- to eat a taco- was at least adequate. Like almost all of Apple’s products (at least in my experience), the iTaco looked better than it tasted. (For the trivia-loving among you, the one product that didn’t follow this paradigm was the original iPod Shuffle- definitely not the second generation one.) There’s not too much I can say about the taco part of the iTaco: I’ve eaten better tacos but I’ve certainly eaten worse Apple products.

The Internet browser on the iTaco worked pretty well; unfortunately, since the iTaco doesn’t have a screen, it instead employs a speaker that reads aloud the content of websites. I am especially impressed with the software that describes images you find as you browse the web. For example, the iTaco described this image as “um, it’s this kind of like, silver thing, in the shape of I think an apple? But somebody took a bite out of it, and the stem’s not really attached. I don’t know, that seems kind of weird. Is this thing on? He- hello? Where am I?”

The one other feature of the iTaco that I want to highlight is the presence of built-in applications such as Google Maps, which shows the locations of iTaco stores near you in case you want to buy another one; YouTube, to which the iTaco is continuously posting videos of you using it; and Stocks, which shows Apple’s stock plummeting (well, that was my experience, anyway).

Some of the lesser known features of the iTaco are its uses as a personal space vehicle and teleportation device. Some users have also reported the manifestation of god-like powers gained through purchase of the $750 special edition iTaco.

Usability: B-
Look and Feel: 92%
Size: Excellent
Price: 4 stars
Goodness: 4.6
Likes: Long walks on the beach

Overall: So how do you make an eye talk? Oh, I see. You have to blink in Morse Co- oh whoops, that was for my other column at howtomakebodypartstalk.com . Where was I? Oh yeah, summing up. In conclusion, the iTaco really sucks and you should consider buying the iPhone instead.

The iTaco comes in your choice of beef, chicken, or vegetarian, and costs $500 for one taco ($600 if you want toppings). Each one you eat costs you an additional $500.