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Fuck You Cracked Dot Com

I’ve been reading articles from http://www.cracked.com for a while now.  I’ve been wanting to write a pissed off rant about http://www.cracked.com for a (significantly shorter but still pretty long) while now.  I never got around to doing so because I have neither the patience nor the skill to do my rant justice, but honestly I just can’t take it anymore, so here’s the quick and poorly written version of my biggest Cracked-related complaint:

Cracked, stop fucking referencing Star Wars in every fucking article you post.

The last movie, Episode 3, came out 5 years ago and nobody cared about it even then.  The last movie your writers actually liked, Episode 6, came out in 1983.  That’s almost 30 years ago, a decade older than a large portion of your readership.  You can compare things in your articles to things that aren’t Star Wars.  It is okay.  You are allowed.

For lack of a better transition, here is an example of an article with too many goddamn Star Wars mentions.  For those of you who are lazy, that article is a list of five reasons Hollywood needs to stop making prequels.  Of the five reasons, four of them mention Star Wars!  Four!  Out of five!  That is too many times!

“But George,” you say, “that article is about shitty prequels and Star Wars had the shittiest of prequels!  His examples are apt!”  Fine, you’re right.  Star Wars references made the article boring and repetitive, but at least there is some tiny nugget of logic and reason behind it all.  However, I would like to point you to this.  Specifically, item 2, where the author explains that there is no mystery behind Stonehenge or the Pyramids being built.  He says “for one, the Egyptians actually used independent contractors just like the Empire did when they built the Second Death Star.”  Take a second and let that sink in.  Who the fuck was the author writing for?  Is there anyone in the universe who would possibly read “the Egyptians actually used independent contractors,” was unsure of the author’s meaning, read the comparison to Star fucking Wars and finally understood?

I submit that no, there is not and has never been anyone in the entire universe who read “the Egyptians actually used independent contractors,” was unsure of the author’s meaning and needed a comparison to Star fucking Wars to finally understand.

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6 Comments

  1. I love how that first article starts like casually mentioning Star Wars in the first part, then spends about half of the second part talking about Star Wars, and then the third and fourth parts are just entirely about Star Wars. No, I mean I actually do love that. Star Wars is great.

  2. Am I just imagining this, or did HIMYM also make a reference to the Death Star being build by independent contractors…? I guess their writers read cracked too.

  3. I am interested to hear your other complaints… you should start a section “George complains about Cracked” and then you can have a top 5 and this can be number 1…. also I agree with Vince

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