Because you can't find it anywhere else

Category: Humor

I'm on the List

Shit!  I’m turning 20 years old this week and I haven’t accomplished anything on my List of Things to Accomplish Before Turning 20 Years Old.  (It’s like a Bucket List, except it’s just my youth that’s dying.)  I had completely forgotten about this list until the other day when I was going through some of my records.  It was a little hard to read because it’s so old, but I deciphered it and transcribed it for you:

  • Ride in a hot air balloon – I regret to say that I have not yet done this.
  • Take candy from a baby – Everyone says this is really easy, but I haven’t been able to pull it off yet.  It’s hard to even find a baby with candy, you know?  I mean, who gives candy to a baby and then just leaves them there unattended?  And it’s not like babies can just buy candy on their own!  At this point it would be easier to just obtain a baby for myself, give candy to it, and then immediately take it back.
  • Turn 21 years old – Scientists tell me that this is still at least one year away.  Yeah, tell that to my list, guys!
  • Get rejected from Cornell University – OK, it’s like I was trying to fail at everything on this list.
  • Go over the list and make sure I’ve done everything on it – At least I’m actively working on this one.
  • Own a house – I am so behind on this one.  I don’t even own a mouse!
  • Own a mouse – Dammit!
  • FREE SPACE – Oh, that was nice of me.  So that’s one down.
  • Fulfill my destiny – Whatever I’m doing right now,  I was destined to do it.  So actually I think I can cross this one off the list.
  • Write an article for ObscurePorn.com – History will judge this one.
  • Dress up as Spider-Man for Halloween – Yes!  Done!  Although, I’m pretty sure I made this list after October 31, 1996, so I don’t know why I would put something on there that I had already done.  Maybe I wanted to do it again?  In which case, no, I have not accomplished this.
  • Kill a man – Uh, yeah, dang, another thing I, uh, haven’t accomplished.  You’ll never find evidence of me doing this… which is because I haven’t done it.
  • Climb the ten tallest mountains in the world – Let’s see, I’ve done Everest, K2, Kangchenjunga, Lhotse, Makalu, Cho Oyu, Dhaulagiri I, Manaslu, and Nanga Parbat… dammit, that’s only nine!  Whatever, Annapurna I sucks anyway.
  • Die – I’ll do that another day.  I don’t feel too bad about leaving this one unfinished.
  • Get it – What?  I don’t get it.  Oh- dammit!
  • Bing and Decide – …it’s not worth it.
  • Have more than 17 things on this list – I’m such a failure that I can’t even think of enough things for myself to fail at?!

Well, it’s safe to say I’m not the person I thought I was going to be when I made this list.  Though to be honest, one week is not very much time to accomplish all these things.  Wait – hold on a second – this isn’t my List of Things to Accomplish Before Turning 20 Years Old, it’s my grocery list!  Here’s my LoTtABT2YO:

  • One dozen eggs – Done.
  • Stick of butter – Done.
  • One watermelon – Done.
  • Box of waffles – Done.
  • Cheerios – Done.
  • Leave a lasting impact on civilization – Shit!