Because you can't find it anywhere else

Category: Law

Soopreem Kourt Punz

Carl Justin and Jimmy Justice have been appointed the newest members of the Supreme Court. They really hate each other and they get in a big argument about which one of them is the fairer judge. It turns into a contest decided by the other members of the Supreme Court, and the eventual result is a tie. Carl is dejected so he goes to the Renaissance Faire, one of his favorite things to do. They have an event set up where you can joust a cardboard cutout of a jester that you can move up and down on the horse (to get it at the correct height where you can hit it). Carl does it and barely manages to knock the jester down. The media gets ahold of this whole story, and on the evening news that day, one of the anchors says:

This just in: Justice Justin is just as just as Justice Justice, and is just able to joust the adjustable jester.

My Own Class Action Suits

So apparently there’s been a class-action lawsuit filed against Apple because, in the plaintiff’s words:

Unknown to the Plaintiff, and undisclosed to the public, prior to purchase, the iPhone is a sealed unit with its battery soldered on the inside of the device so that it cannot be changed by the owner… The battery enclosed in the iPhone can only be charged approximately 300 times before it will be in need of replacement, necessitating a new battery annually for owners of the iPhone.

Let me get this straight. This guy claims that the fact that the iPhone’s battery isn’t user-replaceable is “undisclosed to the public.” Apparently he didn’t pay attention to all the news stories about this exact point, or didn’t even bother to look at an iPhone to see that there isn’t a way to remove the battery. (And in addition to all that’ he can’t even get his facts straight.) Well, if morons like this get to file class-action lawsuits for things like this, I think I deserve a few of my own:

  • The fruit I bought at the supermarket went bad after I didn’t eat it for a month. There was no notice saying it spoils, and the cashier didn’t tell me, so I feel I’m due a couple hundred grand for the pain and suffering caused by eating an overripe pear.
  • My cell phone broke when I accidentally dropped it, ran it over with my car, and flushed the battered remains down the toilet. I saw no “Do not drop, run over, or flush” warnings when I bought it, so pony up, Cingular.
  • My TV uses electricity, adding a sinister hidden cost to its advertised price. Pay me, Sony.
  • I suffered ear damage after listening to my iPod at maximum volume for hours on end. You owe me for my surgery, Apple.

Oh crap, that last one is real. I’ll stop there or I may give someone ideas. But seriously, how screwed up is our justice system when crap like this sucks the time and money out of the courts? This almost makes me wish for the good old days, when all you had to worry about was being sued over creased pants.