Unfortunately, I was unable to make deadline this week, so please accept my incoherent ramblings in lieu of an actual article. Yeah, this is pretty lame, isn’t it? But I’m sure you’ll understand. After all, I’ve been under a lot of pressure lately, what with the wife leaving, and the dog dying, and other fictional occurrences. Anyway, enough introduction, let’s get to the point! Well, I guess in this case the introduction has as much of a point as the rest of the article, which is to say none. That’s kind of an interesting expression: “which is to say.” You’ve got a good combination of words in there. “Which” is definitely a personal favorite, and then you follow it up with the one-two punch of “is to,” which sounds like the middle of an analogy, and then you cap it off with “say,” which is something that we all enjoy doing. Put it all together and you’ve got a phrase you can take to the bank (the phrase bank, that is). Oh man imagine a phrase bank. You could like deposit a phrase that you knew you’re weren’t going to need for a while, and then when your crack dealer is threatening to break your legs if you don’t get the cash right away, you’d be pretty screwed because you definitely can’t use phrases to pay for stuff. But what if you could…? It would be pretty dumb. Well, this is pretty incoherent and rambulatory so far, so I guess I’m succeeding. I’m going to make a paragraph break right here.

Welcome to paragraph two! It will be a rehash of the first one but without the qualities that made the original so fresh and exciting. I can’t actually promise that. Maybe this paragraph will be better than the first, I don’t know. What do you think so far? Call in, to the caller request line. Or, um, I guess what I mean is write in, to the writer request line. Wouldn’t that just be like a number that you could call to request a writer to come over to your house for the afternoon? You could eat lunch and play croquet in your backyard. Hopefully you have croquet equipment in your backyard. If not, you could always talk about writing. But honestly, who actually wants to talk to a writer about writing. Not even the writer wants to talk about writing. I suppose I’m making sort of an unfair generality here. But I don’t care. This is my column and I can say what I want, dammit! If you don’t like it you can just stop reading! Aw, but don’t actually do that. I’m nothing without you! Have I covered this before? It seems familiar. I think my prediction at the start of this paragraph turned out to be pretty true.

Man I’ve only typed 476- wait now it’s 480- dammit 482- aw crap this never works- words so far. That’s not very many. That’s like half as many as I need. Not that I have a word quota or anything. That would be unconstitutional. Or maybe not. There’s a lot of debate about it. Do I sound like Hemingway to you now? Man, what a jerk he was. Did you know that a man died from an infected papercut received from one of Hemingway’s books? It’s true*! Hemingway killed a man through his writing. Which is I’m pretty sure illegal. But he didn’t go to jail for it! Just more evidence of the corruption of the system. It’s so biased in favor of writers. Hey, I guess this could work out well for me! Wow I have used the phrase “I guess” like a billion times in this article. Well more like five times, and that’s including the one in the quotes in the last sentence. That’s definitely a lot, though. I guess I’m just indecisive. OH MY GOD THERE I GO AGAIN!!

Do you think I could just turn this in for my English essay? It’s due tomorrow, and I haven’t started. It’s a really stupid essay too. I wonder if my English teacher reads this site. I bet he would be offended by my disregard for many of the rules of grammar. Um, probably he would be more offended by the fact that I called his essay stupid, though. Wow I wonder if that would influence his grading. That would be extremely unprofessional. Don’t do it, English teacher. I’m not going to name names, but you know who you are. No, it’s not you. C’mon, you’re not even an English teacher. Don’t be ridiculous.

*Don’t you hate when you can’t find where the asterisk goes? It’s like, just put it at the end of the page, or paragraph, or somewhere obvious! Anyway the point of this footnote (midnote? Sounds like midnight (but is not actually like midnight (things don’t mean what they sound like (believe me I’ve learned this from experience)))) was to say that- wait a second, how many parentheses did you use there? What the hell! That’s not acceptable! Sorry, I’m talking to myself again. Maybe if you had read some of previous articles, you would know why I do that. Hey this time I used dashes instead of parentheses. That doesn’t really make it better. I’m just gonna start the sentence over. The point of this note was to say that the truth of the statement was possibly obtained using illegal performance enhancing drugs. Disillusioning, isn’t it?

Well I feel like I’m just about done with this article. I know you’re disappointed that I didn’t actually have a theme or anything this week, but who knows, maybe you enjoyed just listening to me talk about whatever comes into my head. Though I guess you already have the podcast for that. But those are coming out less frequently these days, so maybe this will tide you over. Wow, this is so time-dependent! For anyone reading this in the future, not at the time it was published, what I’m saying has no relevance! I don’t even want to think about what’s it’s like for people reading this in the past. In conclusion, next week I’ll try to have a real article (it’s gonna suck when I have to do this again next week). Goodbye.