Shit! I’m turning 20 years old this week and I haven’t accomplished anything on my List of Things to Accomplish Before Turning 20 Years Old. (It’s like a Bucket List, except it’s just my youth that’s dying.) I had completely forgotten about this list until the other day when I was going through some of my records. It was a little hard to read because it’s so old, but I deciphered it and transcribed it for you:

Ride in a hot air balloon – I regret to say that I have not yet done this.
Take candy from a baby – Everyone says this is really easy, but I haven’t been able to pull it off yet. It’s hard to even find a baby with candy, you know? I mean, who gives candy to a baby and then just leaves them there unattended? And it’s not like babies can just buy candy on their own! At this point it would be easier to just obtain a baby for myself, give candy to it, and then immediately take it back.
Turn 21 years old – Scientists tell me that this is still at least one year away. Yeah, tell that to my list, guys!
Get rejected from Cornell University – OK, it’s like I was trying to fail at everything on this list.
Go over the list and make sure I’ve done everything on it – At least I’m actively working on this one.
Own a house – I am so behind on this one. I don’t even own a mouse!
Own a mouse – Dammit!
FREE SPACE – Oh, that was nice of me. So that’s one down.
Fulfill my destiny – Whatever I’m doing right now, I was destined to do it. So actually I think I can cross this one off the list.
Write an article for ObscurePorn.com – History will judge this one.
Dress up as Spider-Man for Halloween – Yes! Done! Although, I’m pretty sure I made this list after October 31, 1996, so I don’t know why I would put something on there that I had already done. Maybe I wanted to do it again? In which case, no, I have not accomplished this.
Kill a man – Uh, yeah, dang, another thing I, uh, haven’t accomplished. You’ll never find evidence of me doing this… which is because I haven’t done it.
Climb the ten tallest mountains in the world – Let’s see, I’ve done Everest, K2, Kangchenjunga, Lhotse, Makalu, Cho Oyu, Dhaulagiri I, Manaslu, and Nanga Parbat… dammit, that’s only nine! Whatever, Annapurna I sucks anyway.
Die – I’ll do that another day. I don’t feel too bad about leaving this one unfinished.
Get it – What? I don’t get it. Oh- dammit!
Bing and Decide – …it’s not worth it.
Have more than 17 things on this list – I’m such a failure that I can’t even think of enough things for myself to fail at?!

Well, it’s safe to say I’m not the person I thought I was going to be when I made this list. Though to be honest, one week is not very much time to accomplish all these things. Wait – hold on a second – this isn’t my List of Things to Accomplish Before Turning 20 Years Old, it’s my grocery list! Here’s my LoTtABT2YO: