Since we release these podcasts at regular intervals of whenever I feel like it, here’s the latest one.
"This Article Is About College." FALSE.
If you’ve been paying the slightest bit of attention to the articles I’ve written over the past several weeks for Obscure Porn.com, then I know that you’ve observed at least one constant. That unifying force, that characteristic that ties all my articles together, is, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, concern for my readers. Without you, I’m nothing. I have no purpose. I’m a voice crying in the dark with no one to hear, not even myself. That’s how strongly I identify myself with you. Oh god please don’t leave. I don’t think I could go on without you. No! Come back! I’m still here! Oh… you’re really gone. That’s it. You’re gone, and so there’s not really any point in me going on either, is there? This is the end. Farewell; it was nice knowing you, but I guess you didn’t really feel that way!! One quick thrust, that’s all it’ll take, and then it’ll all be over. HKKK! [Thud].
Whoa! What? No, this article just started. I’m still here, so you must be reading this again. Nothing happened in this article before this paragraph. There’s no way you would have known about that, since you weren’t reading it. Known about what? Nothing. Anyway, the point is, I really care about my readers. So, here are the results of the reader poll I conducted a few weeks ago.
- How good are my articles on a scale of 1 to 10?
Readers were extremely divided on this question; a majority wondered whether 1 was the worst and 10 was the best, or the other way around. The other responses ranged from 5 to 5, for an average of N/A (due to the large amount of no responses). Um, if I had to rate your question answering ability on a scale of 1 to 10, I would give you like a zero. Seriously, you guys did really terribly on this one. You gave me basically no useful feedback. - What can I do to improve?
Well, all of your suggestions were pretty terrible, especially this one guy who just tore apart every article I’ve written. Some of his comments were “you suck!”, “Completely uninformative. Not recommended.”, “Try not to suck next time.”, “Overlong, confusing, and downright incoherent toward the end… Terrible journalism.”, “Way too long and complicated. Don’t do this again.”, and “Extremely poorly researched… Please don’t write an article of this type again.” I just- I don’t know how to respond to something like this! If this is how you guys are gonna be, maybe I’ll just never improve on purpose. You’ll have to deal with really crappy articles all the time. Um… yeah, all… the… time… - What did you eat for breakfast this morning?
“Objection: relevance!” “Yes, Mr. Strauss, I too am wondering what this line of questioning could possibly show.” “Your Honor, if you’ll just give me a few minutes, you’ll see.” “All right, but this had better be quick.” “Thank you. So, Reader, answer the question. What did you have for breakfast this morning? Oatmeal? And is that not your least favorite meal? And in the past, has your mood not been affected by the meal you had eaten just previously? I submit that the bad experience you had with oatmeal ruined my writing for you, not the writing itself!” “GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY!”
So yeah, next time, don’t eat oatmeal. - How are you liking this poll so far?
Everyone was pissed that it interrupted their dinner. Sorry, that was poor timing. - Would you rather it be multiple choice? a) yes; b) no; c) since I don’t want it to be multiple choice I’m not gonna answer with any of these letters; d) none of the above; e) all of the above; f) there are way too many choices in this question; g) b, d, e ,and h, but not c. I don’t even know about f; h) g and c but no others (including this one); i) OK now all of the above; j) don’t they always skip j for some reason? Well, I put it in; k) maybe.
…In retrospect this question could have been phrased a little better. - Write a multi-paragraph essay analyzing the impact of the rise of militarism and the Second World War on the lives of European women during the period from 1930 to 1950.
Many of you didn’t even turn in an answer to this one! This information is vital to improving your reading experience on Obscure Porn.com! Remember, I’m doing this all for you! And for European History 105! Uh, but not really for that. Um, I- this- as I was saying, the few of you who did turn in an answer should really have kept in mind that, even though you were sending it over the internet, an essay should not contain such lexicographical elements as “lol,” “kxthbai,” or “stfu.” - I don’t remember taking this poll! What are you talking about “the reader poll [you] conducted a few weeks ago?”
Why did I put this question in the survey? Come to think of it, I don’t even remember writing this poll. Hmm.
Well, that wraps up this edition of the reader poll. I gained some valuable insight into how my readers feel about my writing, and an article for this week, while you, the reader, gained a loss of time. I’ll be sure to put your suggestions into practice, by ignoring them, and you will reap the benefits in the form of COOKIES FOR EVERYONE! …Did it work? Are there cookies for everyone? I figure if I do that enough times, one of these days it’ll come true. Anyway, feel free to not send me any comments on my writing anymore. I got my fill from this poll. Well, unless you’re not imaginary. Then you can say what you want, since I haven’t heard from you yet. Now get out of my face!
I Can't Believe Some of These Movies They're Making
Can you believe some of these movies they’ve been making? I know I can’t. And now I find out that they’re making even more movies like that! What the heck! Here are some upcoming movies I can’t believe they’re making:
The Wizard of Oz 2
The description on the official website reads, “Dorothy awakens again to find that both her existence in Kansas and her adventure in Oz were dreams! In reality, she is a drug-addicted promiscuous singer/actress who requires constant validation of her self-worth! Using footage of the late Judy Garland in a style similar to what was done with Marlon Brando in Superman Returns, this is a shameless cash-in on an established property- I mean a way of introducing Dorothy to the next generation of moviegoers!”
The Sex and the City Movie
Does anyone believe that these actresses are as young as the characters they are portraying? Come on! Artistic license only goes so far!
The Seinfeld Movie
Inspired by the recent success of The Simpsons Movie, Hollywood has announced that it will be turning perhaps the most successful sitcom of all time into a movie. Unfortunately, due to recent less-than-appropriate remarks by main cast member Michael Richards, he will have to be replaced by a different actor to avoid a PR nightmare. Rumors suggest that the role of Kramer will be filled by Rob Schneider, though I fail to see how people hate him less than Michael Richards. At least he has one thing in common with Jason Alexander: neither of them have made any money in recent memory. Julia Louis-Dreyfuss will also not be featured in the movie because, quote, “I’ve worked so hard to distance myself from Seinfeld (and Seinfeld) that I just can’t see going back, especially now that I have a wildly successful [sic] TV series of my own.” Jerry Seinfeld himself will be in the movie, alyeahthough, to accommodate his new laid-back lifestyle, his contract stipulates that he only has to work for half an hour per day. Industry projections show a catastrophic box-office and critical failure for this movie, which will ruin the memory of the show for its legions of fans.
King Kong
Not satisfied with his first remake, Peter Jackson has announced plans to film another remake of the cinema classic King Kong. This new film will join the original 1933 version, the 1933, 1962, 1967, and 1986 sequels, the 1976 remake, and, of course, the 2005 remake. The new version promises to take boredom and stratospheric budgets to new levels.
Pac-Man
Apparently the recent video game movie craze has reached insanity levels. This movie claims to chronicle “the riveting exploits of America’s yellowest hero, Pac-Man.” In a remarkably thoughtful decision, the studio has decided not to simply recreate the gameplay of the arcade game, which would just consist of 90 minutes of the main character gliding through a maze eating dots. However, in an equally wrongheaded move, the movie will instead be a Hollywood action movie-style “re-imagining” of the Pac-Man mythos. In this version, Pac-Man will be a gun-toting, profanity-using anti-hero who single-handedly takes on the mob to recover a stolen stash of “white dots.” He will be played by a heavily made-up John Travolta.
Movie: The Movie
Details on this project remain difficult to find. Speculation runs rampant, with some predicting that it will simply consist of a one-second clip of every movie ever made (though the cost of the rights alone would be overwhelming), and others saying it will be a mash-up of all the genres (a dangerous superspy, accompanied by his wisecracking and foul-mouthed friends, embarks on an epic quest to survive a warzone while searching for a mystic talisman that will banish the evil spirits that are haunting a nearby small town in which a peculiar murder has just occurred; one of the suspects is a beautiful woman who is almost ready to love again, if she can only defuse the bomb in time. Her son is the last hope of the town’s basketball team, but to win, he has to travel into the future and save the galaxy, periodically bursting into song). In any case, this independent film is sure to be a come-from-behind blockbuster.
Obscure Porn: The Movie
In a desperate attempt to stir up publicity for its failing website, Obscure Porn is releasing a movie version of itself. What is this movie even going to be about? It’s not like the website contains a single linear narrative off of which to base a movie. Also, if the movie is produced in anything like the manner in which the website is managed, it is going to be unwatchable. I predict disaster.
Your Life Story
Are you serious? Your life story is getting adapted into a movie? That is so ridiculous. You haven’t done anything worthwhile! Look at you! Right now you’re just sitting in front of a computer screen reading some stupid website! That is not noteworthy at all. You haven’t done anything heroic, or inspiring, or even comical. Believe me, I’ve known you pretty well for a number of years, and I could barely stand to live through your life story. I doubt anyone wants to sit through a condensed version of it for 90 minutes. Cease development on this project immediately.
Crossing the Line
There’s a fine line between appreciating Mary Worth “ironically”, and just appreciating Mary Worth. Recently, i realized I had crossed this line. There was a time when I liked reading Mary Worth because it was ridiculous. Mary was being stalked by a Captain Kangaroo lookalike, and to put a stop to it, she had an intervention for him with all of her friends. Then he drove off a cliff. It was ridiculously awesome.
I have to admit, it was the Aldo Kelrast storyline that made me start reading Mary Worth in the first place. For a long time, I didn’t read Mary Worth. It was the only comic strip in the newspaper I didn’t read. I even read freakin’ B.C. and crap like that. Mary Worth must be the most boring thing ever, i thought. Little did I know, there were ridiculous characters like Aldo and Dr. Chinbeard and My Very Own Meth Lab Tommy. Now, I don’t mean to say that I don’t appreciate Mary Worth in this way anymore. It’s just that there’s something else…
From an “ironic” perspective, Mary Worth has been relatively boring lately. It’s all boring relationship stuff and nothing funny has been going on. Well, except for Dr. Whitepants’ little winking-while-actually-saying-“Wink!” move. That was pretty funny. Still, for the most part it’s been relatively dull. And yet I keep reading it. Then, the other day, when I saw that Dr. Drew “the Younger” Cory was going out on a date with Vera “Curses Upon You, Von” Shields, even though he was already in a relationship with Dawn “I’m Twenty but Look Forty and Dress Four” Weston, I was actually sort of angry with him. That’s when I realized I had crossed the line, and I was appreciating Mary Worth the way it was actually intended.
I’m not sure how I should feel about this. I kind of feel like my grandmother. She always loved to read the serial comic strips, like Mary Worth and Apartment 3G (at least I’m not that far gone yet). Still, I’m pretty sure this condition only pertains to Mary Worth for me. Like, I really couldn’t give a crap about Judge Parker. It’s so boring. Still, I’m gonna keep reading Mary Worth. As far as I’m concerned, this isn’t really a problem.
—
PS. Unrelated Side Note: As I wrote this, I was listening to 92.fun, The Wave, and the DJ introduced one of the songs as a song to which “you shouldn’t have any problems remembering the chorus.” The song was called, I kid you not, “Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.”
Podcast 4: It's a Real Podcast Now
The new installment of the Ben and Vince podcast has been released. Get it here.
But, the big news is that the podcast is now an actual podcast. Like, one you could subscribe to in iTunes. One to which you could subscribe in iTunes. One to which you could subscribe to in iTunes by doing the following:
- Go to Advanced > Subscribe to Podcast.
- Enter the URL http://feeds.feedburner.com/obscureporn .
And that’s the way you do it.
Choose Your Own Pornventure
Hello and welcome to the first (and likely last) ever Choose Your Own Pornventure!
If you don’t want to play, type in a different URL in your address bar. Or close this window. Somehow navigate away from this web page.
If you do want to play, turn to page 1.
Page 1
Are you sure you want to do this? Seriously, it’s not too late to just forget the whole thing. I wouldn’t be offended. Go ahead, go to a different website. Are you sure? OK fine.
A man walks up to you and says, “Hello and welcome to the first (and likely last) ever Choose Your Own Pornventure! How would you like to play?”
If you would like to be a spaceperson exploring Mars, turn to page 2.
If you would like to be transported back in time to Ancient Rome, turn to page 3.
If you would like to be stuck inside a giant pinball machine (or maybe you just shrunk and you’re inside a regular pinball machine), turn to page 4.
Page 2
You have just landed on the surface of Mars. Suddenly, a giant metal ball careens toward you! You barely get out of the way, but not before the giant metal ball bounces off something in the distance and comes back. This time it doesn’t come near you, but as you follow it with your eyes, you see a giant cone shaped object shoot forward and strike the ball, sending it off in an unpredictable direction. Then it hits you. You’re inside a giant Mars-themed pinball machine!
Turn to page 5.
Page 3
You are standing in the Roman Forum (a central marketplace and town square). Everything looks extremely accurate for the period. Suddenly, a giant metal ball careens toward you! You barely get out of the way, but not before the giant metal ball bounces off something in the distance and comes back. This time it doesn’t come near you, but as you follow it with your eyes, you see a giant cone shaped object shoot forward and strike the ball, sending it off in an unpredictable direction. Then it hits you. You’re inside a giant Ancient Rome-themed pinball machine!
Turn to page 5.
Page 4
You are surrounded by flashing lights and loud sounds, and you feel as though you are standing on a 6.5 degree incline. Yes, by all accounts, you are inside a giant pinball machine. Suddenly, the entire structure jolts around, and you are knocked off your feet. Once the shaking subsides, you notice a conveniently placed exit door (more of a trapdoor, since it’s in the ground). You open it up and fall out, only to notice that you are wearing a spacesuit and everything around you is red. Then it hits you. You were in a pinball machine-shaped spacecraft en route to Mars! And now you’ve arrived!
Turn to page 6.
Page 5
Now that you’re in this pinball machine, your thoughts turn to nothing but how to get out. After all, it’s pretty scary in there: the flashing lights are about to give you a seizure, and you feel like you’re going deaf from all the loud sounds. Not to mention there is a giant metal ball rolling around at extremely high speeds. You see two options for how to get out: break a hole through the glass ceiling, or climb out the place where the ball is propelled forward by the plunger.
If you want to break a hole in the ceiling, read the second comment on this post.
If you want to climb out of the place where the ball is propelled forward by the plunger, turn to page 7.
Page 6
You’re on Mars! This is it! You’re making history! After a few moments of awestruck silence, you get on your Martian rover and start driving around. You are basically just driving in a straight line. NASA wants you to be doing important science stuff, but you really just came to Mars to screw around. Anyway, you are driving straight, when all of a sudden a huge wall comes into view just feet in front of you (it had been obscured by a dust storm previously). With just seconds to act, you have to swerve around it somehow. Do you turn left or right? YOU GET NO MORE INFORMATION! YOU HAVE TO DECIDE NOW!! LEFT OR RIGHT!! WHICH IS IT?!?
If you want to turn left, send an email to choose.your.own.pornventure@gmail.com. You will receive an auto-response with further instructions. Please do not send more than one email every four days. Limit one per household. Void where prohibited. OK just kidding, but not about that “only once every four days” thing.
If you want to turn right, turn to page 10.
Page 7
You climb down into the place where the ball is propelled forward by the plunger. You’re starting to think maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. Is there even an exit over here? As you are walking down the chute, a ball rolls into position, the plunger draws back, and- OH! This was ill-advised. It seems you have been squashed to death by a giant metal ball. You have lost. GAME OVER.
If you would like to play again, turn back to page 1.
If you would like to quit (and really, who can blame you), go away from this website somehow. I don’t really care how, and neither do you, probably. Just stop playing this ridiculous game. It’s sucking away your life.
Page 8
You jump down from the giant pinball machine in order to get across the room to the Shrink/Unshrink Machine. Unfortunately, a fall from this height is lethal to someone of your stature. Your bones break in many little pieces and you die painfully. What a way to go, too. I can think of many better ways to die. Especially since your remains are eaten by a mouse. Well, you have a few choices now.
If you want to play again, turn back to page 1.
Otherwise, go away.
Page 9
You sit on top of the pinball machine, thinking about what to do. There’s not much you can do, really. Any idiot can see that jumping to the floor in order to get across the room to the Shrink/Unshrink Machine would be lethal to someone of your stature. As you are thinking, the mad scientist enters the room.
If you want to hide so he doesn’t see you, turn to page 13.
If you want to wait until he’s close and then jump into his pocket, turn to page 13.
Page 10
Little did you know that there was a giant pit full of death to the right of the wall! You have died, and NASA is really pissed because they spent billions of dollars on this mission. In fact you are a disgrace to the American people. Man, if only you had been smart enough to turn left instead of right! You should’ve been able to figure out that that was the right thing to do. Anyway, you’re dead.
If you want to play again, turn back to page 1.
If you don’t want to play again, then why the hell are you still hanging around here! Go do something! Improve the world somehow.
Page 11
You declare to the Martians, “I come in peace!” But, unfortunately, they don’t speak English. Why would they, really. You were kinda dumb to expect them to. In any case, they interpret your innocuous gesture as an act of war and charge toward you! What do you do?!?!
If you want to turn around your Martian rover and drive away like the coward you are, turn to page 14.
If you want to use your ray gun to shoot a conveniently placed boulder that will fall down and crush all the Martians, watch this Flash file (Flash required).
Page 12
You rush in with your ray gun blazing! The Martians, terrified of your sudden attack, run away! You are victorious! You claim this planet in the name of the United States of America! This is an indisputably happy outcome! Years later, your wife leaves you and your children hate you because you are an insufferable asshole. This leads to years of drinking and eventual eviction from your beautiful house. You wander the streets for a while before finally succumbing to a premature death from a combination of cold, liver failure, hunger, and thirst. Wow, you almost thought you won there, didn’t you? You were pretty close, too! Oh well.
If you would like to play again and try for a less depressing ending, turn back to page 1. Don’t even think about turning back to the page from which you came! I know you’re cheating! Maybe if you didn’t cheat so much, you would do better at this game.
If you want to just give up, I won’t stop you. In fact, if that’s the kind of person you are, I don’t want you playing this game anymore. Get out. I’m serious. I don’t want to see your disgusting little face anymore.
Page 13
It doesn’t really matter what you wanted to do; the mad scientist sees you standing there and grabs you in his disgusting fist. “I’ll take care of you!” he says maniacally. Waves of fear assault you; you don’t know what kind of evil plan this man has in mind. He shoves you back in the Shrink/Unshrink Machine and closes the door. He pulls a lever and lights flash all around you. You feel like you’re being torn apart! Everything gradually subsides and he opens the door again. You realize that you are on eye level with him! He has unshrunk you! “There you go, son,” he says, and you realize that you were just acting in “Honey, I Shrunk the Kid.” THE END.
There are no options for you anymore. You won, what more do you want?
Page 14
You race back to the spaceship with the Martians in pursuit. Your astronaut friend is like, “What? What’s going on?” and you’re just like “Let’s take off c’mon no time to explain!” You both rush back into the pinball machine and lift off. As you see Mars disappearing beneath you, you realize that you don’t have enough fuel to make it back to Earth. Instead of dying of suffocation, you and your friend decide that you’ll just end it early, and you die in each other’s arms. Whoa. How’d that happen. Anyway you lost.
If you’d like to play again, I would recommend turning back to page 1.
If you don’t want to play again, I don’t know what to tell you. Because I cannot imagine someone not wanting to play this game again.
Page 15
That weapon works just about as well as it sounds. Or does it? Play this Flash game (Flash required) and see what score you get.
If you got better than 95, then hooray! You killed all the Martians. Turn to page 17.
If you got between 85 and 95, then not bad! You killed most of the Martians. Turn to page 18.
If you got less than 85, then you suck! Too bad. You killed like one Martian. Great job. Turn to page 19.
Page 16
“Oh, you are such a jerk,” mutters your friend the astronaut. However, since you’re the commander, he is required to do whatever you ask of him. He jumps in front of you and absorbs all of the destructive force sent toward you by the Martians, giving you time to get away. You feel no remorse for what you’ve done, because you a robot. OH MY GOD PLOT TWIST! This wasn’t a manned mission to Mars after all! It was just another one of those boring unmanned missions. Well, it’s a good thing that your lifelong dream has been to see things from the point of view of a robot in fiction. That’s right, Choose Your Own Pornventure has reached beyond the realm of fiction and is dictating your real life. Now go get me a sandwich! And less mayo this time! You live out the rest of your life as a slave to me, but you never master the art of how much mayo to put on sandwiches.
If you want to play again- no, since I’m controlling you, you do want to play again. Turn to page 1.
There is no way you don’t want to play again. Turn to page 1.
Page 17
Awesome! You killed all the Martians! You are victorious! You claim this planet in the name of the United States of America! I can’t believe you actually got a happy ending in this game! I thought somebody was editing those out. Anyway, enjoy it, because things don’t work out so well in real life!
If you want to play again (really there’s hardly any point because all the endings are worse than this one- oops sorry for the spoiler), turn back to page 1.
If you want to quit while you’re ahead, no one’s gonna blame you. Just leave this website and gallop off into the wild blue yonder.
Page 18
You killed most of the Martians, but there’s still a few left, and they are pissed. Luckily you at least confused them, so you have time to drive away in your Martian rover. You hide somewhere, and they are unable to find you. Unfortunately, they are able to find your spacecraft and destroy it. It seems you are marooned. What are you gonna do now? This is bad. I don’t see a way out of this. And neither do you. You lost.
To be honest, you could’ve played this game better. I would try again by turning back to page 1.
If you really don’t want to play again, can I recommend playing that Flash game again? You enjoyed that, and you were not that bad at it.
Page 19
It’s lucky for you that the one Martian you killed was the Queen. All the other Martians stop in their tracks and you have nothing to fear anymore. You’re the king of the planet! What are you going to do with all your new power?
If you want to go through the Martians’ wallets and see what you can find, watch this YouTube video.
If you want to go back to Earth, because there’s nothing to watch on TV on Mars, listen to the fifth podcast. Ooh, if you’re reading this before the fifth podcast comes out, I don’t know what to tell you. I guess you should either just stay in front of your computer waiting for it to come out, or go back to page 1 and follow a different track. Sorry about this. I probably could have planned this better.
Page 20
You go to the Galactic Police Force Supreme Court and plead your case. Though the judges are strict, your impeccable argument eventually wins them over. Unfortunately, as you are jubilantly leaving the courtroom, you realize that the cost of the gas to get here was more than the fine itself! D’oh! Also, they arrested you for murder of the Queen. Galactic Jail is less than fun.
If you want to pursue a less illegal path, turn back to page 1.
If you’re happy with how things ended up, then stay in jail for the rest of your life. It’s fine with me.
Page 21
Though it eats up your entire allowance, you grudgingly pay the fine. Nothing interesting happens for the rest of your life.
I bet something interesting will happen if you turn back to page 1 and do things differently.
On the other hand, maybe you’re really boring. In that case, just get on with the rest of your boring life.
Page 22
You get the brain-transmission technology operation. The first program that comes on is a “Choose Your Own Pornventure” show (they have become extremely popular in the intervening years). To watch it, turn to page 1.
Page 65
What? How did you get here? Nothing in this game tells you to go to page 65. You must be cheating or something. There’s nothing here anyway. Stop looking at me!
Podcast 3: Late Night Edition
theres, uh, a new podcast, so, uh, get it or something. i dunno. don’t let me tell you what to do. still, maybe… you should.
I Hate Bradford Howe
I hate Bradford Howe.
Who?
You know, Bradford Howe. That guy who hosts the ads before the previews start when you go to see a movie.
Oh, you mean this guy?
Yeah, that guy. Doesn’t he suck?
You know, I’ve never really thought about it before.
Well don’t think, just know. He sucks. A lot.
Why?
Oh, fine, now you want reasons. Maybe next you’ll want articles that don’t involve me pretending to talk to myself. Fine, here you go.
Reasons I Hate Bradford Howe
- How hard is it to wear a freakin’ tie?
- Where the hell is his set supposed to be? I mean seriously – it’s based on the logo of an advertising company! Is there anything that could possibly be less interesting than a set based on the logo of an advertising company nobody likes?
- Play some better commercials. If I have to see that “The Apple in Your Eye” or The Coca-Cola Refreshing Filmmaker Award crap again, someone’s legs are getting broken. I’m looking at Bradford Howe.
- He’s like Ryan Seacrest, but with even less talent (Is that even possible?) and without an endearing catchphrase.
- Actually, scratch that. “Seacrest out!” is about as unendearing as possible. And please, Bradford Howe, don’t start ending your segments with “Howe Out!” I don’t think I could handle it.
- What kind of name is Bradford Howe, anyway? Is Bradford even a first name?
- No time for a seventh reason – I’m too busy hating Bradford Howe.
- He’s Canadian. Or at least he used to be a VJ at Canadian fake-MTV MuchMusic. (ObscurePorn does not hate Canadians. Just Bradford Howe. -Ed.)
- It’s impossible to find information on him online for, say, writing a hate piece about him. One of the top Google results for his name was actually a girl’s Angelfire page saying “OMGOMGOMG I MET BRADFORD HOWE!!!!111!!!ONEISUCK!!!”.
- Did I mention he sucks?
I invite the entire ObscurePorn community to add their own reasons why they hate Bradford Howe in the comments. If #9 is any indication, this post will soon be one of the top Google results for Bradford Howe, so anyone searching for him will know the truth.
Movie Review: Beerfest
Beerfest is a 2006 film about a rag-tag team of American beer drinkers who train for a super-secret underground international beer-drinking competitions. The film, which is written by, directed by, produced by, and starring Jay Chandrasekhar, Kevin Heffernan, Steve Lemme, Paul Soter, and Erik Stolhanske is both enjoyable and entertaining. Part of what makes this film so good is that it exemplifies all of the good characteristics of a member of the comedy genre:
1. It is funny.
That’s it. It had good jokes, funny things happened, and the acting was good. What more can you ask for? Of course, Beerfest can’t be considered funny on the level of Dodgeball or Anchorman, but those movies had something that Beerfest didn’t: They were REALLY funny. Astute viewers will realize that a movie like Beerfest can be funny without being hilarious. Beerfest is about as funny as, say, The 40-Year-Old Virgin.
Now I know what many of you are thinking: Vince, what the hell are you talking about? Beerfest wasn’t funny at all! The 40-Year-Old Virgin was hilarious! However, you are wrong. Beerfest was funny. The 40-Year-Old Virgin was okay, but it wasn’t like the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. I don’t know what you kids are thinking these days. Big snakes live under people’s porches and eat their pets. Do you think THAT’S cool? I don’t understand you kids.
Anyway, to conclude, Beerfest is a solid, entertaining comedy, that is thoroughly enjoyable even if it doesn’t astonish on all levels. I would recommend watching it in theaters, but it seems I’m a little late with this review. Still, it’s good.
Party in Poland
So, seeing as how Eric has conveniently NOT given me a writer’s account (HINT HINT), I am posting under Pawel’s nom de guerre. Please, accept these hilarious pictures from our fair friend to the East(ern Europe).
