Note: As of today’s column, my schedule has changed to Friday updates instead of Thursday updates. Adjust your eager anticipation times accordingly.

Today I’d like to engage in a serious philosophical discussion of what a humor article is. To quote S?ren Kierkegaard, “Bevidstheden modsætter sig den befriende Guds Virksomhed,” roughly translated as, “A humor article is an article that contains humor; writing one is the highest calling of mankind.” Wow, Danish must be a really concise language. In this quote, we can see Kierkegaard’s trademark rejection of anything other than seemingly obvious definitions, along with his penchant for speaking the truth at all times. Nietzsche, on the other hand, had this to say: “Hier genoss er seines Geistes und seiner Einsamkeit und wurde dessen zehn Jahr nicht müde,” or “My moustache is really big and funny-looking, why don’t you write an article about that.” Typical. All he can think about is the surface of things. As a side note, what I translated as “big” was actually a slightly more nuanced word; Nietzsche did not want to just use the word meaning “big,” “einsengutenschlageroffenkopfmeinschtengelüffersteinkatz,” because it wasn’t long enough. Anyway, I’m not going to stoop to Nietzsche’s level and write about mustaches, as he would want, because we have more important things to discuss, namely: why is this article here?

Throughout history, terrible introductions have started with phrases like “throughout history.” Civilizations have consistently struggled with the question of how to introduce a paper without sounding like a twelve-year-old, and not only with this question, but with an even deeper one: Why do people exist? What are we doing on Earth? Who put us here? How can I stop this saber-toothed tiger from eating me? Perhaps that was more than one question. But that doesn’t change the fact that the same questions apply to humor articles. Why do they exist? What are they doing on the Internet? Who wrote them? How can they stop this saber-toothed tiger from eating them? These are not questions with easy answers. In fact, these are not questions with answers at all. I mean, I sat here for a while (for the purposes of this article, one while equals half an hour (minus twenty-nine minutes) ) and I still had no idea. But that’s OK, because these are pretty stupid questions. More important is what’s in the next paragraph. Why don’tcha take a look down there.

What I really want to know is: does a humor article have to consist of a bunch of jokes tied loosely together by a theme? Or can it only have a few jokes, yet derive humor through parody, spoof, satire, lampoon, caricature, or other means? Market research suggests that people like to laugh as frequently as possible, but what is market research doing in a philosophical discussion? Questions, questions, questions. Do philosophers ever actually figure anything out? Is there ever an answer? C’mon guys, you’ve been working at this for like thousands of years now, you’d think you’d have something to show for it. In what other job are you allowed to produce no results for your entire career and still be considered a genius? By the way, are these jokes doing it for you guys? Would you like funnier ones? That’s too bad, because as a philosopher, I’m not required to do… anything at all, actually. Perhaps you were wondering why I had no article last week; turns out it was because I was busy philosophizing (read: sleeping). Well, also I was getting attacked by clown columnists (again), but that’s another story (literally).

So, to sum up, terrible conclusions often start with phrases like “to sum up.” In addition, terrible transitions often uses phrases like “in addition.” But what I can say for certain is thatI haven’t answered any of the questions that I posed, and yet I still feel like I’ve made some progress (in number of words, anyway). And in the end, isn’t that all for which we can ask? The answer to this question, of course, is no, but since it was rhetorical, there was no need for you to know that.

To celebrate my record-breaking 10th article last week, I will be releasing a series of Klassic Kolumns with never-before-seen writeage, behind-the-scenes info, and a modern take on the subject matter. Consider it director’s commentary, except you don’t have to buy the DVD to get it (however, there will be a Special Edition 2-Disc DVD on sale in the Obscure Adult Video Store with even more crap on it. We’re talking easter eggs, menus, the whole nine gigabytes.) Anyway, here is a second look at “First Look: the iTaco”:

TRUE FACT: This was my first article for ObscurePorn.com! It took some amount of time to write!

As part of its continuing quest to put lowercase i’s in front of everything, Apple has released the new iTaco. [Context: Apple had just released the iPhone. That would make this a parody.] I don’t normally write about technology (actually, so far 100% of the columns I have written have been about technology [get it? this was my first article]), but this is such an earth-shaking event that I am forced to report on it. The iTaco has been marketed as a revolutionary combination of great taste, great ingredients, Internet connectivity, multimedia play, and a shockingly intuitive interface. Does it live up to the hype? Don’t ask me- I didn’t waste my time waiting in line for 14 hours to get one! Uh, I mean, I am a highly qualified reviewer who definitely owns an iTaco. Several times. I actually created the iTaco. [you may be wondering why I choose to write about the iTaco as opposed to any other edible substance, or even something inedible, for that matter. The answer? I think the word “taco” is like the funniest word ever made!] Anyway, don’t consider this a review per se; instead, just take these opinions and use them as your own. [Full Disclosure: I actually don’t get this joke, despite writing it!]

Let’s take a quick look at the features of the iTaco. The iTaco breaks away from the usual constraints of tacos, featuring touch-shell technology, which allows users to operate it with one finger. No longer will an entire hand be occupied during the process of taco-eating. Apple’s revolutionary new technology suspends the iTaco in an anti-gravity field in front of the user’s mouth, and it can then be rotated with the wave of a finger. [Now, a few months after this article was originally written, scientists have actually come closer than ever to achieving an anti-gravity field. We may be looking at a Christmas 2008 release date for the iTaco!] This interface worked incredibly well for the most part; the only problem I found is that all of the contents of the iTaco fall out onto the table when it is rotated upside down (an embarrassingly common occurrence). [Were you wondering why there were so few jokes in this paragraph? So was I! My flimsy justification is that this was a more “subtle” kind of “humor.” So if you didn’t get it, well then you’re just not smart enough!]

The main function of the iTaco- to eat a taco- was at least adequate. Like almost all of Apple’s products (at least in my experience), the iTaco looked better than it tasted. (For the trivia-loving among you, the one product that didn’t follow this paradigm was the original iPod Shuffle- definitely not the second generation one.) [There will be a Trivial Pursuit: Obscure Porn edition on the shelves pretty soon, so this is actually a pretty valuable piece of information to know.] There’s not too much I can say about the taco part of the iTaco: I’ve eaten better tacos but I’ve certainly eaten worse Apple products.

The Internet browser on the iTaco worked pretty well; unfortunately, since the iTaco doesn’t have a screen, it instead employs a speaker that reads aloud the content of websites. I am especially impressed with the software that describes images you find as you browse the web. For example, the iTaco described this image as “um, it’s this kind of like, silver thing, in the shape of I think an apple? But somebody took a bite out of it, and the stem’s not really attached. I don’t know, that seems kind of weird. Is this thing on? He- hello? Where am I?” [If you’ve heard the Podcast, you know that this is actually how I talk. Seems kind of weird that a commercial product would sound just like me, doesn’t it? Well, I’ll let you in on a secret: I was part of the development team for the iTaco. Yes I know, conflict of interest and all that, but it was worth it for the swag.]

The one other feature of the iTaco that I want to highlight is the presence of built-in applications such as Google Maps, which shows the locations of iTaco stores near you in case you want to buy another one; YouTube, to which the iTaco is continuously posting videos of you using it; and Stocks, which shows Apple’s stock plummeting (well, that was my experience, anyway). [Little known fact: I actually did research to find out what applications came with the iPhone in order to write this paragraph! There were a lot that didn’t get spoofed here. Here are some of the deleted jokes: “…built-in applications such as Weather, which allows the user to control the weather around them using a patent-pending technology from Apple; Clock, which tells the time but does it SO AWESOMELY; and Calculator, to see how much of your net worth you wasted on the iTaco.” Hm. Perhaps there was a reason these were deleted.]

Some of the lesser known features of the iTaco are its uses as a personal space vehicle and teleportation device. Some users have also reported the manifestation of god-like powers gained through purchase of the $750 special edition iTaco. [Apparently, this price estimate was a tad on the low side. The special edition iTaco actually requires you to go through a seven-year period of indentured servitude in one of the colonies.]

Usability: B-
Look and Feel: 92%
Size: Excellent
Price: 4 stars
Goodness: 4.6
Likes: Long walks on the beach

Overall: So how do you make an [pay attention] eye talk? Oh [stop paying attention. Did you get it? This was an extremely obscure joke. If you didn’t get it the first time, I wouldn’t be surprised. If you still don’t get it, read those three words out loud. Then think about the title of the article. No, not “Klassic Kolumns #01,” the original title. What sounds the same? It’s tough I know. This was kind of a long way to go just for a ridiculous pun.], I see. You have to blink in Morse Co- oh whoops, that was for my other column at howtomakebodypartstalk.com [I considered registering this domain, but decided it wasn’t worth the effort. But I don’t know, would you guys like to read articles on this topic? If there’s a sizable audience out there, I wouldn’t be against writing a few things for a site like that.]. Where was I? Oh yeah, summing up. In conclusion, the iTaco really sucks and you should consider buying the iPhone instead. [Comedy Tip: this is a technique called “invalidating the concept of your entire article.” Use it sparingly.]

The iTaco comes in your choice of beef, chicken, or vegetarian, and costs $500 for one taco ($600 if you want toppings). Each one you eat costs you an additional $500.